Contraception and Unbelieving Spouse

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NHLove777

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Hi All- I am new to the forums and came seeking some advice. I am in my twenties, married for several years now to a wonderful woman, and am just returning to the catholic church for the first time since before high school. When my wife and I met, I wasn’t a Christian (I would have been considered a Deist), but since that time, I have become a Christian (about 4 years ago) and now Catholic. My wife, who also grew up Catholic, is basically agnostic now.

Since my wife and I first met, we have always agreed that we did not want children…at all. Even if we did have kids, we always agreed we would adopt. Now that I am older and reconciled with Catholicism, I am trying to live a good Christian life. It’s been tough since my wife is not Christian. The first few years were very rocky whenever my faith came up, but over the last few years, my wife has been very encouraging with my faith and has even offered to come to church with me, which is a big deal for us.

So, with all that in mind, the other day I brought up the possibility of having children…and she, for the very first time, said she thinks it may be something she would want to do, but only far off in the future. My wife is a resident (surgeon) and she doesn’t think she would even consider having children until her residency is over in 5 years or so. I am encouraged by this big step but still, 5 years is far from now, and although I am willing to wait, I am concerned about having sex using contraception. She has made it clear she will not, under any circumstances, use Natural Family Planning. We have agreed not to use oral contraceptives (the pill, the morning after pill, etc.) because we are both opposed to abortion and we realize that these methods could cause for an abortion (granted, at a very early stage of life). She is very, very pro-life.

But, she has made it clear that she wants us to continue using condoms or some kind of female version of that.

So my question is: What do you all think of my situation? I don’t want to push the issue because things have been progressing and it has been a very long road just to get to this point. If I do push it, I am absolutely certain she will never agree to have a child right now. I also am absolutely certain that if I then state we have to abstain from sex, she will be deeply insulted by this and it will be a major problem in our marriage for years to come.

Even more important than condom use, I am worried that if I push this issue in the name of faith, she will be completely unwilling to continue growing with me spiritually. Additionally, although I am willing to follow the Church’s teachings on this, I truly find the Catholic position on contraception very poor and contradictory (NFP is allowed but condom use isn’t?). I have read Humanae Vitae and while many good points are made on many issues, the opposition of condom use for married couples is really not well thought out in my opinion.

Anyway, the only reason I bring that up is because it’s very hard for me to make arguments against contraception that are non-religious when I actually would support contraception for any married couple if it weren’t for the church’s position on this.

So what should I do? I will speak to a priest about it but I wanted to ask you all too.

Thanks.

-T.H.
 
From a health perspective many condoms contain parabens, which are thought to be endocrine inhibitors and have a possible association with a lowered sperm count as well as many types of cancer. They also often contain glycerin, which can introduce yeast into the body.

From a health and marital intimacy standpoint, I would say any **fertility awareness method **(NFP uses all of them, I believe) is likely the best option: basal temperature, mucous inspection, ovulation tracking, etc… these methods introduce no hormonal disruptions to the human body and they encourage communication between spouses, making the responsibility for fertility monitoring shared because there will be times when, like during ovulation, both parties are responsible for making sure to abstain; or it doesn’t fall on just one person. (Otherwise, the condoms are your job or the pill is hers. Either are dangerous from a chemical standpoint and neither encourage unity of spousal mission)

I’m kind of a hippy though, so those chemicals and barriers to intimacy are no gos for me. Not every gal appreciates that approach though. You mentioned medicine… 😃

Also, prayer for the Holy Spirit to work in her heart and patience.
 
UbiCaritas15 said:
From a health perspective many condoms contain parabens, which are thought to be endocrine inhibitors and have a possible association with a lowered sperm count as well as many types of cancer. They also often contain glycerin, which can introduce yeast into the body.

From a health and marital intimacy standpoint, I would say any **fertility awareness method **(NFP uses all of them, I believe) is likely the best option: basal temperature, mucous inspection, ovulation tracking, etc… these methods introduce no hormonal disruptions to the human body and they encourage communication between spouses, making the responsibility for fertility monitoring shared because there will be times when, like during ovulation, both parties are responsible for making sure to abstain; or it doesn’t fall on just one person. (Otherwise, the condoms are your job or the pill is hers. Either are dangerous from a chemical standpoint and neither encourage unity of spousal mission)

I’m kind of a hippy though, so those chemicals and barriers to intimacy are no gos for me. Not every gal appreciates that approach though. You mentioned medicine… 😃

Also, prayer for the Holy Spirit to work in her heart and patience.
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I appreciate the suggestions. My wife is a doctor so she is aware of all of the health issues related to contraception. As I mentioned in my first post she doesn’t use birth control pills and won’t because they may have abortifacient properties. I don’t know enough about the issues you mentioned regard condom use to argue against it, but as I am sure you know, almost anything not natural has some health concerns, including things like laundry detergent. Even still, I don’t think condoms are very hazardous to the health.

As far as NFP is concerned, a catholic family member suggested it to her and she made it clear she will never go for that. It’s not really very effective for many women. I am definitely praying for the HS, constantly.
 
The paraben and glycerin concerns are more in the organic/hippy/alternative living community, so I don’t know how much street cred it will have from a western perspective, but meeting in common ground (health seems her thing) will always trump: because its Catholic, if she isn’t too into it.

I also specifically used the terminology fertility awareness methods instead of NFP because it sounds more woman centered 😉 I’m sure she is smart and she would catch that but I thought maybe appealing to the both partner responsibility and open communication would hit some woman buttons. 😃
 
Well, condoms are not 100% effective. They can have tiny holes invisible to the eye.
And I know some women who developed allergic reactions that became quite serious.
Same goes for the iud’s.
Since she is pro-life what would happen if the condoms failed? Or if she developed
infertility due to the allergic reactions?
You’re in a tough spot.
Maybe she would listen to a cd by Prof. Janet E. Smith entitled “Contraception, Cracking
the Myths” available through Lighthouse Catholic Media. or check out her website:
janetesmith.org
Another cd available through Lighthouse is called “Prove it God!..and He did”
Although it is about a Catholic woman’s struggles with the Church teaching on contraceptives, it does talk about the benefits to the relationship that occurred in the
marriage.
My prayers will be with you.
 
TexCatholic4JMJ said:
Well, condoms are not 100% effective. They can have tiny holes invisible to the eye.
And I know some women who developed allergic reactions that became quite serious.
Same goes for the iud’s.
Since she is pro-life what would happen if the condoms failed? Or if she developed
infertility due to the allergic reactions?
You’re in a tough spot.
Maybe she would listen to a cd by Prof. Janet E. Smith entitled “Contraception, Cracking
the Myths” available through Lighthouse Catholic Media. or check out her website:
janetesmith.org
Another cd available through Lighthouse is called “Prove it God!..and He did”
Although it is about a Catholic woman’s struggles with the Church teaching on contraceptives, it does talk about the benefits to the relationship that occurred in the
marriage.
My prayers will be with you.
Click to expand...
I am very appreciative of the prayers and suggestions. We have discussed abortion many, many times and she is adamantly opposed to it. We had a very close friend who had an abortion and she was very passionately against it. Like I said, we have even discontinued birth control pills to avoid the possibility of abortion.

As far as allergic reactions are concerned (since it was brought up in the first response as well), she doesn’t have any. We have used condoms for years.

She has read a few works by Janet Smith and she was very, very antagonistic about it (this was a few years ago now). She is very opposed to banning birth control because she believes it will help prevent abortions. I actually agree with her on that point. Again, my objections are purely religious.

You are right that condoms are not 100% effective, but they have been for a long time now and honestly, if a pregnancy occurred, abortion wouldn’t even be on the table.

The only options, I truly believe, are to either have sex using contraceptives or to abstain from sex completely. NFP is off the table and so are birth control pills.

Again, my fear with abstinence is the effect it will have on our marriage. If I had to sacrifice sex for the rest of my life, it would be completely awful, but I would do it if I had to, but I will not, in any way, risk my marriage. This is my ultimate concern at this point in the ordeal. Thank you very much for your prayers
 
Were you married in the Church? Was your marriage convalidated when you became a Catholic? Openness to Life is a requirement for a valid Christian marriage.
 
PaulfromIowa said:
Were you married in the Church? Was your marriage convalidated when you became a Catholic? Openness to Life is a requirement for a valid Christian marriage.
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Hi Paul. We were married in the Church…we were always open to the possibility of having kids…that’s not the same thing as actively trying to get pregnant or wanting to get pregnant soon, which she has never wanted. However, she has also always thought, “Hey, maybe I’ll never have kids myself and just adopt.” So that’s always been there as well. Either way, if you are suggesting that our marriage isn’t valid, then I am thankful for your time but I would respectfully ask to just leave that subject alone. My wife and I love each other very much and take our marriage very seriously.
 
NHLove777 said:
As far as NFP is concerned, a catholic family member suggested it to her and she made it clear she will never go for that. It’s not really very effective for many women. I am definitely praying for the HS, constantly.
Click to expand...
It’s quite the opposite, it is very effective for many women.
It is based on science. I had irregular periods and could always tell when I ovulated whether it was late or not. I always had my period 12 days after ovulation so I knew I was always right on the money. It was my doctor who would not believe me. The reason I think is that they have their artificial birth control options to fall back on and never had any motivation to look into NFP. Now what a shame since I would have loved to know this information when I was a teen so that I could know when my surprise period was going to show up. It would have made teen life a whole lot better. If I had known, I would have blabbed it to all my friends who had the same issues.

I think that in the mean time she could practice NFP (fertility awareness) while you are still using a condom and see for herself that she can tell when she ovulates, regardless if she is late or on time.

Welcome back, and I’m happy to see you working toward living your faith in a deeper and more profound way. I came into the Church in my twenties and it’s encouraging to see others coming home too.
 
Just to clarify, I know in the original post I said we always said we didn’t want kids, but I didn’t mean that in absolute terms. We always talked about the possibility of having kids, but we never wanted to actively pursue that possibility. She also wanted to adopt, not have her own biological kid.
 
PennyinCanada said:
It’s quite the opposite, it is very effective for many women.
It is based on science. I had irregular periods and could always tell when I ovulated whether it was late or not. I always had my period 12 days after ovulation so I knew I was always right on the money. It was my doctor who would not believe me. The reason I think is that they have their artificial birth control options to fall back on and never had any motivation to look into NFP. Now what a shame since I would have loved to know this information when I was a teen so that I could know when my surprise period was going to show up. It would have made teen life a whole lot better. If I had known, I would have blabbed it to all my friends who had the same issues.

I think that in the mean time she could practice NFP (fertility awareness) while you are still using a condom and see for herself that she can tell when she ovulates, regardless if she is late or on time.

Welcome back, and I’m happy to see you working toward living your faith in a deeper and more profound way. I came into the Church in my twenties and it’s encouraging to see others coming home too.
Click to expand...
Thanks for the well-wishes and kind response. I didn’t mean to say NFP is not effective. I know the statistics are good for many, but for a lot of women it’s not. She’s shown me the evidence against it and it’s not as effective as condoms for a lot of women because charting, etc. is not as stable for some.

Even if NFP was just as effective as other methods, it would be impossible I think to convince her of this method over far easier methods. You have to remember, she doesn’t see the Catholic Church as an authority, so their teachings on the issue don’t matter to her.

Again, I am very appreciative of your response and kindness. Pray for us!
 
At the end of the day, you can’t force your wife to use NFP. You can suggest it, you can promote it, but you can’t force her. The Church understands this. You are obliged to make it clear to your wife that you do not agree with using artificial methods of birth control, and you may not directly contracept yourself (so wearing a condom is out), but if your wife decides to use some form of birth control of her own accord, you do not sin by having relations with her. In this case, the Church recognizes that destroying the marital bond would be a greater evil.
I’m in the same boat. My wife is not Catholic and has not yet agreed to try NFP. During our last conversation on the matter, she said she would consider it once certain things in our life become more stable…so there is always hope. On the other hand, if I ceased having relations with her, there would be no marriage. I don’t directly contracept on my end in any way, and I pray daily for God to change her heart regarding NFP.
 
Hi there! Welcome to the forum! I will give you a more full and explanatory response to your original post tomorrow. In the meantime, I have a link to recommend to you.

Pontifical Council on the Family

Vademecum for Confessors Concerning Some Aspects of the Morality of Conjugal Life (section no. 13-14)
[vatican.va/roman_curia/pontifical_councils/family/documents/rc_pc_family_doc_12021997_vademecum_en.html](http://www.vatican.va/roman_curia/pontifical_councils/family/documents/rc_pc_family_doc_12021997_vademecum_en.html)
 
NHLove777 said:
Just to clarify, I know in the original post I said we always said we didn’t want kids, but I didn’t mean that in absolute terms. We always talked about the possibility of having kids, but we never wanted to actively pursue that possibility. She also wanted to adopt, not have her own biological kid.
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What is the basis of your wife’s strong aversion to having her own children? Why is a healthy young women preferring adoption to natural motherhood?
 
Well, if she is adamant about using some form of barrier method, perhaps she should be fitted for a diaphragm. That way she is the one using the barrier method instead of you. Keep praying for her and occasionally talk to her about it and see what happens. I understand NFP not working for everyone, but it works very well for most as long as they are willing to follow their chosen method. Perhaps you can see if your wife is willing to begin charting while using the diaphragm until she becomes confident with NFP. My husband and I are facing abstinence for an indefinite period of time because we are one of the couples NFP does not work for. Marriages can survive and even thrive without sex, but it is not always an easy road, rarely is it necessary, and never is it ideal. You are right that it is wrong to use abstinence to push her into using NFP. That is awfully close to using as a punishment and will only lead to resentment. Personally I think your best option is putting it in her hands in terms of barrier method, continue to pray and discuss, and ultimately trust God to work on her heart. I’ll pray for your family.
 
“We have agreed not to use oral contraceptives (the pill, the morning after pill, etc.) because we are both opposed to abortion and we realize that these methods could cause for an abortion (granted, at a very early stage of life).”

This makes absolutely no sense. You do know the pill is more effective than condoms alone correct?

•Less than 1 out of 100 women will get pregnant each year if they always take the pill each day as directed.
•About 9 out of 100 women will get pregnant each year if they don’t always take the pill each day as directed

If you/your wife choose birth control the pill could not “cause for an abortion.” Plus it would be obviously more intimate feeling than a barrier method.
 
theCrow said:
“We have agreed not to use oral contraceptives (the pill, the morning after pill, etc.) because we are both opposed to abortion and we realize that these methods could cause for an abortion (granted, at a very early stage of life).”

This makes absolutely no sense. You do know the pill is more effective than condoms alone correct?

•Less than 1 out of 100 women will get pregnant each year if they always take the pill each day as directed.
•About 9 out of 100 women will get pregnant each year if they don’t always take the pill each day as directed

If you/your wife choose birth control the pill could not “cause for an abortion.” Plus it would be obviously more intimate feeling than a barrier method.
Click to expand...
It makes perfect sense. Birth control pills do not always prevent ovulation, and some secondarily prevent implanting - hence the abortion concern. I understand you may have been unaware of that possibility, but the wife is a doctor and would likely be aware.
 
twf said:
At the end of the day, you can’t force your wife to use NFP. You can suggest it, you can promote it, but you can’t force her. The Church understands this. You are obliged to make it clear to your wife that you do not agree with using artificial methods of birth control, and you may not directly contracept yourself (so wearing a condom is out), but if your wife decides to use some form of birth control of her own accord, you do not sin by having relations with her. In this case, the Church recognizes that destroying the marital bond would be a greater evil.
I’m in the same boat. My wife is not Catholic and has not yet agreed to try NFP. During our last conversation on the matter, she said she would consider it once certain things in our life become more stable…so there is always hope. On the other hand, if I ceased having relations with her, there would be no marriage. I don’t directly contracept on my end in any way, and I pray daily for God to change her heart regarding NFP.
Click to expand...
Thank you for posting and sharing your story. It’s good to know that there are others in the same boat, although I wish no one was at all.
 
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