Contraception dilemma. What’s a girl to do?

[Wesrock]

I’m going to add a really ignorant question but it’s been bothering me as I write my comments.

Is NFP not a type of contraception, in a way?
If one actively monitors their cycle, temperature, mucus etc etc so thoroughly, in the hope they won’t conceive… that is not being open to life?

How is that any ‘better’ than using a barrier method of contraception?

While there is nuanced discussion to be had regarding avoiding pregnancy (and you mentioned you had health risks so I think you’re fine on that front, but as always, talk to a priest), the ethical difference between NFP and artificial measures is in what-you-do-during the act, and how that changes the act. When you’re not doing the act at all (abstaining) that issue doesn’t come up. Much more can be said on that of course.

On a separate note, you said you have conditions that may interfere with picking up the signals. We don’t need to go into detail (save that for an NFP coach if you get one), but my understanding about taking time to practice NFP is that you’re not just learning the method in general, but learning the particulars of your own body, and what’s regular and what’s not (again, for your own individual body).

 

[Amac1]

Helpful post. Thanks.

I will add a further question… If a couple consciously doesn’t engage in intercourse during a fertile window, because they don’t want a child at that time… is that a sin? So it’s not an act, but it’s an omission of an act.
Does the Church ok this? Is God happy with this?

 

[Wesrock]

Helpful post. Thanks.

I will add a further question… If a couple consciously doesn’t engage in intercourse during a fertile window, because they don’t want a child at that time… is that a sin? So it’s not an act, but it’s an omission of an act.
Does the Church ok this? Is God happy with this?

The Church says that if there are justifiable reasons it is acceptable. It’s one of those things that isn’t just a black and white yes and no. It is evaluated on circumstances. We could get into the weeds on this one, but broadly speaking increased health risks and bad finances are examples of times it would be justified to abstain. This is something to be discussed with a Catholic counselor or priest. And you’ll find different opinions on where to draw the line, some very lax, some very strict. This is a situation where personal conscience has to do a bit of guiding, but not without counsel to Catholic moral teaching.

But the short answer is “no, it’s not automatically a sin or grave matter.”

 

[ZemD]

Yes he is happy with abstaining during the fertile window, as long as you have a just reason. You mention your physical health, only you can discern if that is a just reason.

If you were to abstain because you want to buy the Ferrari instead of the Cadillac, and kids are expensive, objectively, that would not be pleasing to God.

 

[Amac1]

Great. Thank you once again. Food for thought

 

[Amac1]

Completely makes sense. Thank you

 

[adamhovey1988]

Obviously, there are no loopholes that allow the use of contraception.

For which we should be THANKFUL

First, I’m not the type to plug my ears and leave the room when my wife starts talking about certain things.

Nor should you be, you’re just as much of that as she is.

But back to your question. As a practicing Catholic your options are NFP or to abstain. To use any form of contraception would be a sin.

Not to mention, it might not work (I was conceived whilst my mother was on contraceptives).

 

[1ke]

Is NFP not a type of contraception, in a way?

No.

NFP is information. Based on this information you decide to have intercourse or not have intercourse, depending on whether you want to achieve or avoid pregnancy. (this is often overlooked, but NFP is used to ACHIEVE as well as AVOID pregnancy.)

Deciding not to have intercourse isn’t contraception, it is respecting God’s design for marital relations.

Contraception is an action whereby you engage in intercourse and try to thwart its natural outcome by a device or an action before, during, or after intercourse. You seek to have relations and you disorder the relations.

In NFP, you refrain from relations.

They are not the same, morally. Both are means to the end of spacing/avoiding children. One is a moral means (refraining from relations periodically) and one is an immoral means (contraception). Means and ends are not the same thing, and the morality of an act depends on the three fonts of morality all being moral-- intention, object, and circumstances together. While contraception and refraining from relations periodically both have the end of avoiding, they are not the same means of avoiding.

If one actively monitors their cycle, temperature, mucus etc etc so thoroughly, in the hope they won’t conceive… that is not being open to life?

That isn’t what the Church requires of us, although it is often stated that way. There is no teaching about a vague “openness to life”. What the Church actually teaches is that each act of intercourse must be per se (objectively, by its nature) ordered to both unity and procreation. Meaning, it is an unaltered act of intercourse. So, when you contracept, your marital relations are disordered (i.e. NOT ordered to procreation and unity of spouses). When you refrain from intercourse, you aren’t disordering anything because you aren’t having intercourse. When you DO engage in intercourse, you aren’t disordering the act in any way. It’s a natural, completed act of intercourse just as God designed it. God designed the infertile periods of the cycle. God designed menopause. God designed a woman to not be able to get pregnant while already pregnant. And in each of these situations where the woman is subjectively infertile at that moment, marital relations are still good, holy, and morally ordered because the couple hasn’t taken any action to disorder them. (This is also why disordered acts that replace intercourse are STILL immoral even when a woman is pregnant, sterile, post-menopausal, etc.)

How is that any ‘better’ than using a barrier method of contraception?

Because one is pleasing to God: periodic (or complete) continence

And one is displeasing to God: contraception

 

[1ke]

I will add a further question… If a couple consciously doesn’t engage in intercourse during a fertile window, because they don’t want a child at that time… is that a sin?

No.

We aren’t required to have intercourse as marital couples. We exchange the right to intercourse when we marry. We don’t have to exercise that right.

 

[PennyinCanada]

Is NFP not a type of contraception, in a way?

Let’s say 2 teenagers go out on a date and are chaste, are they contracepting?
By being chaste, they are respecting God’s design of baby making.

 

[1ke]

Let’s say 2 teenagers go out on a date and are chaste, are they contracepting?
By being chaste, they are respecting God’s design of baby making.

while I can appreciate your example, I don’t think it’s on point. We are all called to chastity in our state in life. Chastity for two teenagers includes no sex (continence), because they are not married.

Chastity for a married couple looks different. Being chaste would include properly ordered marital relations. Being chaste and being continent in married life aren’t the same thing.

 

[AdamP88]

I know I am not sounding like a good catholic by thinking that way. Please do not judge me.

The fact that you want to avoid contraception so much now that you’ve had a conversion, and that you have really followed through on this probably makes you a better Catholic than most of us here in fairness.

I don’t have a huge amount of advice for you but I think maybe you could try to get in touch with a Catholic fertility practitioner who could maybe help you out in terms of NFP or at least advise you.

 

[AdamP88]

I’m going to add a really ignorant question but it’s been bothering me as I write my comments.

Is NFP not a type of contraception, in a way?
If one actively monitors their cycle, temperature, mucus etc etc so thoroughly, in the hope they won’t conceive… that is not being open to life?

How is that any ‘better’ than using a barrier method of contraception?

The definition of “contraception” is doing something that actively blocks the natural process or interferes with it in order to prevent conception. NFP is different as it works with the natural process to allow the couple to either try to conceive or try to avoid, if necessary.

One is doing something actively, the other is basically “not doing something” at a particular time.

That said, the Church has always warned against a “contraceptive mentality” among those using NFP. Where those who utilise it do so with a selfish mentality.

 

[Lara]

While you are learning all about NFP, I would also put a bit of effort into ameliorating your other concerns. So for instance, you may not be ready for another child, but you can, for example, have more of your children’s friends over for longer periods of time. This can stretch you in a different way, an openness to more life of a different sort. Or concentrate on improving your finances in very small ways. Often we think we need things which we don’t need. We can live more simply. Try making your own salad dressing, instead of buying it at $3 per bottle. (I can give you many tips on this by private message.)Try studying your finances once per month and thinking of where you can improve (buying only used clothing, changing your internet provider, investing small amounts in courses which increase your marketability, such as a first aid course.) In other words, stimulate a more hopeful perspective. You can change more than you think. So if you were to find yourself in a family way, you could handle it better.

 

[Amac1]

It would seem I have a lot of learning to do on this topic. Knew you lot would be of benefit… thanks all.

 

[Rau]

I’m going to add a really ignorant question but it’s been bothering me as I write my comments.

Is NFP not a type of contraception, in a way?
If one actively monitors their cycle, temperature, mucus etc etc so thoroughly, in the hope they won’t conceive… that is not being open to life?

How is that any ‘better’ than using a barrier method of contraception?

Contraception entails corrupting or frustrating sexual intercourse so that it’s natural ends are interfered with. NFP does not do that. How weird would it be if you had to remain unaware of your cycle? How weird would it be if you had to have sex at certain times Eg when fertile?

 

[Rau]

I will add a further question… If a couple consciously doesn’t engage in intercourse during a fertile window, because they don’t want a child at that time… is that a sin?

No it is not.

So it’s not an act, but it’s an omission of an act.
Does the Church ok this?

Yes.

 

[indymb]

Very difficult situation, indeed, @amac1. I believe the answer lies within the conversation and prayer of the love you and your husband show each other and your mutual embrace of and reply to God’s love for you both. I will pray for you both and offer the story of former atheist and now successful Catholic writer and comic, Jen Fulwiler, mother of six kids, whose pregnancies caused potentially fatal blood clotting. It’s Jen and her husband’s love and finding their love of God are the real story. Peace.

 

[27lw]

Hello OP,
I am a mom, and a convert in mid-life. It was easier for us to “follow all the rules” at 40 rather than 25 or 30. I am sympathetic to your plight and honestly I wonder how my very devout kids are going to navigate this in their lives.
Having said all that, I would like to just throw in that there is a spiritual dimension to all this as well. In your opening post you said “to me my family is complete”. I wonder what God thinks - is your family complete to Him? Maybe just something else to consider. Best wishes to you and your family.

 

[Amac1]

Thank you for your message. Yes this is something I think about regularly. Sometimes I think if more kids was God’s will He would have made relations that bit easier. That being said, I also mentioned how if God did wish more children I would be open to it. It’s not necessarily what I would want, but I would have to go with it and manage the consequences.