Contraception Moral Dilemma

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Sacravaca

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I am married with two children and one on the way. My husband is baptized Catholic but not practicing and rather hostile about my practicing. I have told him I am against contraception but the only thing I could say to postpone his visit to the doctor to get a vasectomy was that I would research other methods (besides NFP which he is against) that would prevent pregnancy but would not be so drastic. Now I have no idea what to do since NFP is the only method approved by the Catholic church. We are both in our late twenties and I really don’t want him to get a vasectomy just because I don’t want to compromise. Any suggestions are appreciated!
 
Sacravaca:

I can see that you are in a tough situation with your husband. First of all, you are not guilty of any sin if your husband has a vasectomy. He is. Continuing to have relations with him afterwards will not cause you to be guilty. So you can rest easy as far as your own situation goes.

Now he certainly is planning to act contrary to Catholic teaching and moral law. You can try to learn more about why its wrong and do your best to convince him. If he refuses to listen then all you can do is pray for his conversion.

You should be concerned with the state of your marriage. Any husband that would willfully disregard the strong moral objections of his wife for selfish reasons is not fully committed to his wife. I say selfish, because that is what it is. He wants to be able to enjoy sex without any commitment to you or acceptance of the consequences.

If I were you I’d ask him to start marriage counseling. He may still be faithful at this point, but as a guy I’ve never met a man who had a vasectomy and then remained faithful to his wife. Whether he knows it or not, this will be a serious blow to your marriage. You should start counseling now before things get out of control.

Sorry if I’m scaring you, but I just want you to understand how serious this can be.

:blessyou:
 
I am married with two children and one on the way. My husband is baptized Catholic but not practicing and rather hostile about my practicing. I have told him I am against contraception but the only thing I could say to postpone his visit to the doctor to get a vasectomy was that I would research other methods (besides NFP which he is against) that would prevent pregnancy but would not be so drastic. Now I have no idea what to do since NFP is the only method approved by the Catholic church. We are both in our late twenties and I really don’t want him to get a vasectomy just because I don’t want to compromise. Any suggestions are appreciated!
You can’t get pregnant whilst you are pregnant, so you’ve got at least a few months to think things over.

Ultimately, as the law stands in the US, there is nothing you can do to prevent your husband doing what he wants to his body. Using a method of contraception after having had three children is morally very distinct from using contraception to delay children or avoid having them altogether. The Church allows neither, but that doesn’t mean that both are equally serious.

However a contraceptive sexual relationship is very undesireable. If your husband sees is as purely a technicality of church teaching, and a nuisance, then he will not agree. You must make sure he realises that you do not see the teaching as merely something you are bound to obey because of the rules, but as something helpful and sexually affirming.
 
Using a method of contraception after having had three children is morally very distinct from using contraception to delay children or avoid having them altogether. The Church allows neither, but that doesn’t mean that both are equally serious.
Malcolm: I agree with the rest of your statement from your post, but could you provide some sort of documentation for your statement that I quoted above? I don’t believe I’ve ever seen a Church document stating your assertion, and therefor while it might be your opinion that use of contraception is less evil in certain situations, it is not the position of the Church.
 
Malcolm: Using a method of contraception after having had three children is morally very distinct from using contraception to delay children or avoid having them altogether. The Church allows neither, but that doesn’t mean that both are equally serious.

Malcolm: I agree with the rest of your statement from your post, but could you provide some sort of documentation for your statement that I quoted above? I don’t believe I’ve ever seen a Church document stating your assertion, and therefor while it might be your opinion that use of contraception is less evil in certain situations, it is not the position of the Church.
The thing you have to understnad about contraception is that pastoral teaching can be firm whilst the theological position can be hazy, or in flux.
An example I use is the amyloid fibrils in Alzeimer’s disease. WE don’t know if there is a danger to lab workers from handling this material or not, and you can have a sensible argument about what level of hazard to classify it as. However if someone uses a lower level than the one decided on, then they ought to be banned from that lab, even if three weeks later some safety committee decides to adopt a lower hazard level.

Similarly, the pastoral teaching on contraception has to be firm, otherwise you just get people makign excuses to accomodate the enormous pressures from secular culture. That doesn’t mean that the thinking behind the pastoral teachings is inflexible, or fully developed.

One major concern was that contracpetives would lead to promiscuity outside of marriage. Another was that couples would use contracpetives to avoid having children altogether. Another one was that the marital act itself would be traduced, because not being open to life the attitude would be different. That can all be gleaned from lots of church documents.

So in the case of a couple with three children, the first two concerns don’t apply, and only the third remains. I don’t think it is actually taught that, in these circumstances, contraception is less sinful, to avoid giving the impression that then contraception is OK. However it follows from the teachings. Just as theft of a few cans of soda from WalMart is not the same as a burglary of an old lady’s house, and theft of pencils at work arguably isn’t even a sin at all, not all contraceptive acts are equal in gravity.
 
I am married with two children and one on the way. My husband is baptized Catholic but not practicing and rather hostile about my practicing.
I am sorry to hear that.
I have told him I am against contraception but the only thing I could say to postpone his visit to the doctor to get a vasectomy was that I would research other methods (besides NFP which he is against) that would prevent pregnancy but would not be so drastic.
On what grounds does he oppose NFP?
Why would you call NFP “drastic”?
Why, at such an early age, does he want to permanently sterilize himself?

First person testimony against a vasectomy can be found at:
www.dontfixit.org

You can also find general information at:
www.omsoul.com
Now I have no idea what to do since NFP is the only method approved by the Catholic church.
What you cannot do is sin.
We are both in our late twenties and I really don’t want him to get a vasectomy just because I don’t want to compromise. Any suggestions are appreciated!
You cannot “compromise” on such an issue. NFP is the compromise. And, it’s perfectly reliable if you have a serious reason to postpone.

I suggest marriage counseling with a priest.
 
Thank you all for replying. He actually saw my post and we are talking more freely about it now. My husband doesn’t want to use NFP because I was using it in the past and we got pregnant. All of our children were pleasant surprises but my fertility is undeniable. He doesn’t want to have any more children. I understand completely considering we have our hands full with just two! I know he wouldn’t give NFP another try because if it/we failed the consequence is another child! Another child from God I know but he doesn’t see it exactly that way. Your explanations have really helped and thanks again for your time.
 
you have to follow your own conscience, and you are not guilty if your partner adopts a contraceptive practice that you do not condone. get some guidance from your confessor on this. but you also need to deal with the situation where one member of the marriage is actively hostile to the beliefs and conscience of the other party, that is a bigger issue, and if you don’t resolve its roote causes, will lead to trouble in the future, regardless.
 
He doesn’t want to have any more children. I understand completely considering we have our hands full with just two! I know he wouldn’t give NFP another try because if it/we failed the consequence is another child! Another child from God I know but he doesn’t see it exactly that way. Your explanations have really helped and thanks again for your time.
I know this doesn’t help now but 3 kids is the hardest. It actually gets much easier with 4 or more. Older kids are very helpful when you have them around to help out. I love having my 4 and their friends around too… so do all their friends with a houseful. I have used my large family to teach kids about budgets, responsibilities, sharing, etc… I feel sorry for families with 2 or less kids. They may get more stuff…but they miss out on so much without more than 1 sibling to grow up with.
 
If I were in your shoes and my husband was forcing the artifical birth control, I would encourage him to go w/ condoms over the vasectomy since those aren’t permanent and hopefully, in time and through MUCH prayer on my behalf, he’d change his mind and agree to NFP.

As several posters said, you can’t control what your husband decides so you aren’t sinning. Pray Pray Pray that God will soften his heart.

Congratulations on your upcoming arrival. What a wonderful blessing! (and don’t worry… going from 2 children to 3 was no biggie! you’ll be fine!)
 
Thank you all for replying. He actually saw my post and we are talking more freely about it now. My husband doesn’t want to use NFP because I was using it in the past and we got pregnant. All of our children were pleasant surprises but my fertility is undeniable.
Then I suggest you study another method of NFP, as sometimes one is superior to another in individual cases. If you use STM, look into Creighton, Billings, and I’d also suggest Marquette since it uses a fertility monitor in addition to traditional signs of fertility.
He doesn’t want to have any more children. I understand completely considering we have our hands full with just two!
It’s understandable that he doesn’t want any more children “right now”, but a vasectomy is about “forever”. That is a wrong-headed attitude about fertility and future children. This is an area to explore in counseling-- why is he so opposed to Church teaching, why isn’t he practicing his faith, and why is he adamant about no more children at such an early age?

The solution here is not sterilization, it is about him standing up and being a the man God wants him to be. I pray he will get himself to Church and learn what it means to be in a Sacramental Marriage.
I know he wouldn’t give NFP another try because if it/we failed the consequence is another child!
See-- that’s the problem-- he views children as a “consequence” of sex as something “gone wrong” that he has to “fix”. If he does, then he has a completely distorted view of sexuality. Sex is being used as a means to an end (pleasure) and not a renewal of the marriage covenant. Children are not “consequences” of sex, they are the “purpose” of sex. That’s why God created it, that’s what sex does– it produces babies.

Perhaps Theology of the Body for Beginners by Christopher West would help.
 
If he does get the vasectomy, would it be morally licit for the OP to refuse relations with him until he gets it reversed? Even if the sin is not on her, what if she does not feel comfortable having relations with a man who is holding back in this way?
 
Were you really using hard core NFP: full blown sympto-thermal method? Or were you using the rhythm method? A few people can get pregnant with NFP but the stats are excellent for those who are conscientious.
 
Were you really using hard core NFP: full blown sympto-thermal method? Or were you using the rhythm method? A few people can get pregnant with NFP but the stats are excellent for those who are conscientious.
I was thinking the same thing. STM, Billings, and Creighton are so reliable as methods, we are sometimes accused of promoting contraception! NFP is an umbrella term that includes all natural forms. There are still so many people out there using Rhythm and being surprised at the high pregnancy rates.

To the OP, please take a class if you haven’t. If you have taken a class, please seek out help to better interpret your charts. Please remember that you cannot control your husband, but pray without ceasing that your husband will allow God to soften his heart.

Vasectomy has so many horrible side effects. It makes the body allergic to itself. When the sperm is released inside the body, the body will then attack it and form antibodies to it. After that, every time his body releases semen inside his white count goes up. The body thinks it is being attacked by a virus it knows and responds in kind. He may have flu-like symptoms on a regular basis. So very sad. :crying:

Blessings during this troubling time.
 
I would also point out that NOTHING is 100%. Even a vasectomy. To use a very strict method of NFP, as others have suggested, is going to give you some “wiggle room” as far as the possibility of concieving again, but a vasectomy is not 100% reliable either.

This is such a difficult situation to be in…even though YOU are not sinning, and you would not be required to abstain from relations should your husband get a vasectomy, this will still affect you…physically, spiritually and emotionally.

I second a poster above in saying that perhaps helping your husband have a basic understanding of Theology of the Body would allow him to see where you are coming from. If he sees children as a “consequence” of sex (which…technically is true, as much as that word can carry a negative connotation) and wants to eliminate that, he is forgetting that sex is to be both unitive and procreative, and the physical pleasure is an added bonus. When we separate union from procreation, it leaves us with an empty physical act. From looking at testimonies of people who have either had sterilizations or even used artifical contraceptives, it often leaves the women feeling used and objectified.

As a side note, there is a recurring theme I’ve noticed, seen here from an above poster, that someone who already has a certain number of kids (generally over 3) isn’t sinning as badly by getting sterilized as someone who is sterilized from the get go. This is bizarre to me…the Church asks us to be open to children, period, not “open to a certain number of children and once you’ve had X number you’ve punched your card”. God is who ultimately should decide on closing and opening the womb. Which is why, even if a couple should need to abstain from relations for grave reason, there is still that wiggle room of openess.

Anyways, my prayers are with the OP in this difficult time!
 
I would also point out that NOTHING is 100%. Even a vasectomy. To use a very strict method of NFP, as others have suggested, is going to give you some “wiggle room” as far as the possibility of concieving again, but a vasectomy is not 100% reliable either.
My brother- and sister-in-law have two “vasectomy babies.”

I have a co-worker who conceived her 3rd child just 4 months after the birth of her second, while scrupulously taking the pill. She’s an MD, by the way, and knows how to follow directions!
 
One major concern was that contracpetives would lead to promiscuity outside of marriage. Another was that couples would use contracpetives to avoid having children altogether. Another one was that the marital act itself would be traduced, because not being open to life the attitude would be different. That can all be gleaned from lots of church documents.
The teaching is really clear. Anything that intentionally separates the unitive and procreative aspects of the act is intrinsically evil. The things you mention are not why contraceptive acts are evil but are some of the deleterious results of engaging in contraceptive acts.
So in the case of a couple with three children, the first two concerns don’t apply, and only the third remains. I don’t think it is actually taught that, in these circumstances, contraception is less sinful, to avoid giving the impression that then contraception is OK. However it follows from the teachings. Just as theft of a few cans of soda from WalMart is not the same as a burglary of an old lady’s house, and theft of pencils at work arguably isn’t even a sin at all, not all contraceptive acts are equal in gravity.
Can you provide proof of these statements? Each and every marital act must be open to life. Where can I find that contraceptive acts, which are always intrinsically wrong, are less sinful in certain circumstances?
 
If I were you I’d ask him to start marriage counseling. He may still be faithful at this point, but as a guy I’ve never met a man who had a vasectomy and then remained faithful to his wife.
I know a man who has a vasectomy and is faithful.
 
The teaching is really clear. Anything that intentionally separates the unitive and procreative aspects of the act is intrinsically evil. The things you mention are not why contraceptive acts are evil but are some of the deleterious results of engaging in contraceptive acts.

Can you provide proof of these statements? Each and every marital act must be open to life. Where can I find that contraceptive acts, which are always intrinsically wrong, are less sinful in certain circumstances?
"Could it not be admitted, in other words, that procreative finality applies to the totality of married life rather than to each single act? "
The Pope here sees the issue - the questions of whether marriage should be open to life and whether each act must be open to life are different.

“This was all the more necessary because, within the commission itself, there was not complete agreement concerning the moral norms to be proposed, and especially because certain approaches and criteria for a solution to this question had emerged which were at variance with the moral doctrine on marriage constantly taught by the magisterium of the Church.”

It is not an easy question. The Pope’s commission didn’t all agree.

“Neither is it valid to argue, as a justification for sexual intercourse which is deliberately contraceptive, that a lesser evil is to be preferred to a greater one, or that such intercourse would merge with procreative acts of past and future to form a single entity, and so be qualified by exactly the same moral goodness as these. Though it is true that sometimes it is lawful to tolerate a lesser moral evil in order to avoid a greater evil or in order to promote a greater good,” it is never lawful, even for the gravest reasons, to do evil that good may come of it (18)—in other words, to intend directly something which of its very nature contradicts the moral order, and which must therefore be judged unworthy of man, even though the intention is to protect or promote the welfare of an individual, of a family or of society in general. Consequently, it is a serious error to think that a whole married life of otherwise normal relations can justify sexual intercourse which is deliberately contraceptive and so intrinsically wrong."

Finally, the Pope rejects the idea that contraception to limit rather than avoid births may be acceptable. However he does describe such contraception as a lesser moral evil tolerated to promote a greater good, but rejects this as licit, because it is doing evil so that good may directly come of it.

So the conclusion we can draw is that contraception aimed at makingthe whole of a married life sterile is more sinful than contraception intended to limit the number of births. That’s pretty obvious really - stealing all a widow’s money is worse than taking her purse - though stealing the purse may still be gravely sinful.
 
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