Contraception, NFP, and Converting

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agentlank

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So my wife and I are currently attending RCIA. She is a lot more reluctant about the Catholic faith than I am but she is showing interest and can see a lot of validity of the Church.

With that said the subject line is a major sticking point for the two of us. I realize I’m not a “normal” male when I say that I’m the one that is now against all forms of contraception. Whether it is the pill, condoms, withdrawal, etc. Through our 7 years of marriage the withdrawal method was our only form of birth control and we have only been pregnant when we “planned” to be, so I guess in the very selfish and worldly mindset our methods were very reliable. We haven’t been intimate very often in the last couple of months, although I’ve given into temptation and our old ways on a couple of occasions. I’ve tried to explain that my feelings about BC have changed because what I believe the Church teaches and Humanae Vitae says.

I’m really struggling with this because I know what the church teaches and I’m trying my best to hold to those standards, but I know it is hurting my marriage.

I’m asking myself questions like “am I doing the right thing?” “Or am I being a religious zealot?” Thoughts, suggestions, and prayers are welcomed.
 
I think it’s beautiful you are willing to love your wife rightly and the way God has made her and that you are trying not to objectify her or “piece her out” if you will.

Does she understand why you’re doing what you’re doing ?

Is her problem not being able to control herself?

Don’t really have any suggestion for you right now except go to a Eucharistic adoration chapel when you can and bring this to Jesus and openly talk about what you’re worried about and what you should do.

Also, have you guys looked into Theology of the body ?
 
Wanting to please God and avoid sin is not zealotry.

Have you two taken a class in NFP? I would not call withdrawing a “reliable” method. I would call you very lucky. But I can’t imagine that your wife would resist NFP, which is way MORE reliable and scientific than what you have been doing, if it’s really about avoiding pregnancy.

Unless it’s not really about the method and really about resisting what the Church teaches because the Church teaches it. A form of passive-aggressive behavior.

What does she say when you talk to her about it, or about taking a class to learn NFP?
 
First off thank you for the replies.

Disclaimer, my wife works in women’s health as a nurse practicioner, so I’m naturally not a good source to suggest methods of family planning.

She is against the pill and other forms of contraception that are induced by medicine. But she doesn’t see anything wrong with the use of condoms or withdrawal. I’ve referred her back to the story of Onan, and done my best to explain my feelings. If usING withdrawal it puts all of the sin and guilt of frustrating the act on me. And it has weighed heavily on me otherwise 8 wouldn’t be typing this message.

She doesn’t think NFP is very reliable and was very reluctant to go to RCIA in the beginning so it has been a struggle from the get go and don’t think I’m ready to suggest we take a NFP class.

Thanks again, I can give more information later, but I need to get ready for church.
 
NFP is a lot more effective than the withdrawl method. Why does your wife think otherwise? Perhaps you can read up on the Creighton Method and present Her with the information.
 
I am somewhat in your shoes and I am also very confused what to do. We are currently after postpartum period, my wife is breastfeeding and thinks it is ok for us to use condoms. As far as I know this situation does not meet the criteria of “contraception spouse” case because if I put condom on I would qualify as contracepting myself, despite the fact that it is my wife who forces it on me. She won’t use the pill and won’t learn any “breastfeeding NFP” protocolos. The result is that we are abstinent for 6 months now and she blames me. It is really affecting our relationship but I don’t see a way out with current Church teaching.

I really think that “contracepting spouse” case is mostly geared towards women. Due to nature of sex and contraceptives it is hard for a men to qualify, unless the wife chooses to use the pill. If she does not, abstinence is the only available option. That is very cruel IMHO.
 
NormanWithers said:
As far as I know this situation does not meet the criteria of “contraception spouse” case because if I put condom on I would qualify as contracepting myself, despite the fact that it is my wife who forces it on me. She won’t use the pill and won’t learn any “breastfeeding NFP” protocolos. The result is that we are abstinent for 6 months now and she blames me. It is really affecting our relationship but I don’t see a way out with current Church teaching.
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Have you discussed this situation with a priest? I think you should in order to get some advice on how to approach this.
 
Not really. I found Church teaching to be quite clear on the subject and never had reason to clarify by talking to a priest. Do you think I misunderstand something?
 
Norman, thank you for sharing, and sorry to hear we are both battling this.

I’m with you though, after reading Humanae Vitae and parts of the Theology of the Body it is quite clear what is acceptable and not. I don’t need to try to rationalize the use of contraception or water down church teaching by talking to a priest who may or may not uphold the churches teachings. I say all of that because I’ve talked to two different priests and one held firm to the churches teachings while the other took a much more liberal “you need to be on the same page” approach.

What is most sad about it all to me is that more people can’t read and learn about these truths and find the beauty in them.

Thank you again to all who have replied.
 
To the people saying NFP is more effective than withdrawal – apparently that’s not true, or at least perhaps there’s some debate?

I didn’t delve too deeply into the methodology they used here, so maybe there’s a twist somewhere, but these graphs at least show that with TYPICAL use, withdrawal is actually slightly better at preventing pregnancies.

nytimes.com/interactive/2…cies.html?_r=0
 
QuasiCatholic said:
To the people saying NFP is more effective than withdrawal – apparently that’s not true, or at least perhaps there’s some debate?

I didn’t delve too deeply into the methodology they used here, so maybe there’s a twist somewhere, but these graphs at least show that with TYPICAL use, withdrawal is actually slightly better at preventing pregnancies.

nytimes.com/interactive/2…cies.html?_r=0
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Hi Quasi,

That link isn’t working. I’d be interested in reading the article. Could you post its title or a new link?

Does the graph mention “NFP” or “Fertility Awareness” or “Rhythm” or something else?
 
NormanWithers said:
That is very cruel IMHO.
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The Vademecum for Confessors, which gives direction for priests to counsel penitents who are innocent of the sin of contraception but who are sinned against, is actually a great mercy to spouses, not a cruelty.

I am sorry that your wife wants to contracept. Keep praying for her.
 
My question for you is this: are you willing to love, honor, and SUPPORT your wife if she should have several babies in the next several years?

Do you have a good job that will give her the option of staying home while she is pregnant with Baby #6, #7, #8, etc? What will happen if she is under medical orders for complete bedrest–how will the half-dozen children be cared for?

Many of the women in our parish (and in our Protestant church, when we were Protestant) who have more than six children also have husbands who earn large incomes, which means that the wife doesn’t have to figure out ways to stretch a chicken for 3 days to feed two adults and several hungry little ones.

Also, is your wife physically able to bear a child a year? When I was pregnant with my second daughter, I gained over 60 pounds, and I never really have lost it. I was in very poor condition to get pregnant again and have the energy and strength to be a good mother to more than two daughters.

And finally, if the NFP doesn’t seem to work for you, and you have five babies in four years, are you willing to abstain indefinitely, until your wife is no longer fertile (after menopause)?

I’m not saying that couples who use NFP have 12 children that they didn’t plan! Many couples successfully use NFP to space children far apart, and to delay having children indefinitely for reasons of health and finances. (That’s another issue–what exactly ARE “serious reasons” to delay having another baby? That’s often a sticky issue among Catholics.)

And I’m NOT saying that all couples who use NFP never have sex!

But there are plenty of threads here on CAF from men who haven’t made love to their wives in years, and women who are physically and emotionally at the end of their rope after having a half-dozen NFP failures.

Your wife knows all this, and it is no wonder that she is not exactly thrilled. I hate to pull sexism on you, but the man does not have to go through the pregnancies and the nursing.

You have to face this issue honestly and consider all the ramifications, and you and your wife both have to buy into it with all your hearts. I think this is one of the major stumbling blocks for many who would otherwise convert to Catholicism. In the United States at this time, so few couples have the support system in place that would allow them to have a large family.

I hope this post has helped you in some way.
 
The Vademecum for Confessors, which gives direction for priests to counsel penitents who are innocent of the sin of contraception but who are sinned against, is actually a great mercy to spouses, not a cruelty.
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I must admit that I do not understand what you mean. Can you please elaborate? What exactly is merciful in denying a man marital relations when it is his wife who wants to contracept with condoms.
 
NormanWithers said:
I must admit that I do not understand what you mean. Can you please elaborate? What exactly is merciful in denying a man marital relations when it is his wife who wants to contracept with condoms.
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The Church is not denying anything to anyone. The wife is denying relations to her husband. Which is grave matter itself.

The Vademecum is direction for priests to work with penitents in confession who are coming there to confess sins that are not theirs. The spouse who is not contracepting is an innocent spouse. It is a great mercy of the Church to help them realize this and to be a peace knowing that they are not sinning.
 
Well, you are right. However, what you are saying does not apply to this topic. As far as I know it is permissible (under certain conditions) for a woman to have marital relations with a husband who is contracepting with condoms. According to Vademecum she is innocent. At the same time it is forbidden for a husband to use condoms, even if wife forces him by denying sex. That looks like merciless and asymmetrical approach to me .
 
I think you explained it better the second time around, but it doesn’t change the fact that there is a lot of anguish and frustration when both people aren’t on the same page.

I think if anyone takes the time to read what the church teaches on contraception there wouldn’t be all this hubub about what is acceptable and what isn’t. God never said life would be easy and that there wouldn’t be sacrifice or suffering, so I guess I need to read what I just typed and realize this could be a form of sacrifice or suffering that I need to endure.

In the end the “rules” and tradition of the Catholic faith are what drew me closer to God and seek the fullness of the faith that Catholicism offers. So I feel like the least I can do is hold myself accountable to the “rules” that have been set forth to the best of my ability. I don’t care that 90% or whatever don’t follow the churches teachings, I don’t care that they say NFP doesn’t work, what I care about is what God and his Church say and I need to hold myself to that.
 
agentlank said:
I think you explained it better the second time around, but it doesn’t change the fact that there is a lot of anguish and frustration when both people aren’t on the same page.

I think if anyone takes the time to read what the church teaches on contraception there wouldn’t be all this hubub about what is acceptable and what isn’t. God never said life would be easy and that there wouldn’t be sacrifice or suffering, so I guess I need to read what I just typed and realize this could be a form of sacrifice or suffering that I need to endure.

In the end the “rules” and tradition of the Catholic faith are what drew me closer to God and seek the fullness of the faith that Catholicism offers. So I feel like the least I can do is hold myself accountable to the “rules” that have been set forth to the best of my ability. I don’t care that 90% or whatever don’t follow the churches teachings, I don’t care that they say NFP doesn’t work, what I care about is what God and his Church say and I need to hold myself to that.
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That’s a lot of “I” there. NFP may work better with a “we” mindset. To your original question, I would read something like Taking Charge of Your Fertility (yes it’s secular and yes it isn’t 100% in line with Church teaching but don’t completely discount it) or do a deep dive into one of the other NFP methods. That may help you be able to explain it to your wife better and she may possibly feel more comfortable if she doesn’t think this is a burden she will have to carry alone.
 
You are correct there were a lot of 'I"s there, but that is because I was referring to the things that “I” can possibly do, not what “we” can possibly do.

Obviously NFP is dependent on the cooperation of both the wife and the husband, but what you and others have failed to recognize is the hurt and suffering it causes some males when they are the one’s that are asked to contracept. For some of you it seems like it is acceptable to ask the male to contracept but you better not ever ask the female to do so.
 
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