Contraception obstacle to dating?

[Eleven]

Anyone else experience rejection in dating because you accept the Church’s teaching on contraception (or other marital issue)? Is one of the negative consequences of the poor catechesis in the last 100 years that society is so ignorant of this morality that someone who accepts it is looked at like an alien who makes a prospective mate uncomfortable? And thus, why dating is a complete disaster in this age for some of the most worthy mates.

 

[praestat_fides]

Anyone else experience rejection in dating because you accept the Church’s teaching on contraception (or other marital issue)? Is one of the negative consequences of the poor catechesis in the last 100 years that society is so ignorant of this morality that someone who accepts it is looked at like an alien who makes a prospective mate uncomfortable? And thus, why dating is a complete disaster in this age for some of the most worthy mates.

You are clearly not alone. I have dated women who thought that something was either physically or mentally wrong with me because I tried to remain celibate before marriage and/or I supported the RCC’s position on birth control. There really are not very many individuals in this world who try to live by the teachings/precepts of the Church like you do so it’s not that surprising that you have run into obstacles in your dating life.

 

[Lamentation]

Anyone else experience rejection in dating because you accept the Church’s teaching on contraception (or other marital issue)? Is one of the negative consequences of the poor catechesis in the last 100 years that society is so ignorant of this morality that someone who accepts it is looked at like an alien who makes a prospective mate uncomfortable? And thus, why dating is a complete disaster in this age for some of the most worthy mates.

Naw, that’s pretty much par for the course unless you find yourself a Catholic who’s not just Catholic in name.

Rejection sucks, but you have to stick to your beliefs. God has a way of working in His own time.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

One should look for a devout Catholic as a potential spouse before talking about marriage. If the potential spouse is a Catholic open to life, he/she should not be wedded to artificial contraception.

 

[PennyinCanada]

The great news about this is that you don’t have to ‘waste’ 2 or 3 years discerning if this is the person that should be your life partner. It’s also an opportunity to promote the gospel of life as a lay person. You don’t have to be a priest or nun to live the gospel in the world, and for a bonus, you get to suffer rejection as well. Should you be blessed to marry and have more than 3 children and not voluntarily sterilize yourself, more rejection and ridicule will come your way. Family and friends who were celebrating at your wedding can be the ones with the hardest attitudes toward your life choices.

Rejoice and be glad, for your reward will be great in heaven.

May God continue to strengthen and guide you in your journey of faith and witness to a world who doesn’t want to hear it. There are others ahead of you walking the same journey, and others behind you watching your example. God bless.

 

[Bonnie]

It’s been a lot of years since I dated (over 30), but I’m surprised that the dating world has changed so much! Does this subject come up before the first date, or on the first or second date?

I don’t remember the subject ever coming up until I met my husband. Even then, we considered ourselves a couple before the conversation about children came up.

 

[sscott]

Don’t date a person who has different beliefs. If you want a devout Catholic marriage date only devout Catholics. Don’t try to change the person you are with. It won’t work out.

 

[robwar]

Anyone else experience rejection in dating because you accept the Church’s teaching on contraception (or other marital issue)? Is one of the negative consequences of the poor catechesis in the last 100 years that society is so ignorant of this morality that someone who accepts it is looked at like an alien who makes a prospective mate uncomfortable? And thus, why dating is a complete disaster in this age for some of the most worthy mates.

The purpose of dating is to find a mate for the most part. If incompatability on some major issue comes up and causes the other person to go count this as a blessing and not a rejection. If you are firm on following the faith, then you are not going to want to end up with someone who isn’t. I am not sure what your age is but there are single Catholic web sites and these delve into how serious one plans on following the faith and maybe you can find someone that matches your devotion. While it is frustrating now, it is better to have a dating relationship discontinue than to end up in a marriage with a major conflict and holy war on your hands. Then you have real big problems and you are not going to want to go there.

 

[Naskor]

Don’t date a person who has different beliefs. If you want a devout Catholic marriage date only devout Catholics. Don’t try to change the person you are with. It won’t work out.

It’s disenchanting how many “devout” and “active” Catholics use contraception. They can be perfectly Catholic in every other aspect of their lives but their use of contraception. It’s really sad that it’s becoming the “default” amongst us millennials, Catholic or not.

 

[LongingSoul]

It’s been a lot of years since I dated (over 30), but I’m surprised that the dating world has changed so much! Does this subject come up before the first date, or on the first or second date?

I don’t remember the subject ever coming up until I met my husband. Even then, we considered ourselves a couple before the conversation about children came up.

The contraception thing comes up almost immediately because many in this generation assume that sex is part of dating. Some girls feel they are very moral to wait 'til the third date to ‘put out’ but really… many relationships actually begin with sex after meeting someone out on the town.

It sure is a very different world. 30 or 40 years ago, it wasn’t uncommon for *non-Catholics *to value pre-marital chastity. The dating scene didn’t see virginity quite as offensive as it does today.

 

[Eleven]

To the person who asked, no, it’s not right off the bat that the issue of contraception comes up.

To those who say just date people who are devout Catholics, as someone pointed out, sometimes devout Catholics are not so devout. If one has ever even been to a dating website like CatholicMatch, one would be shocked to see how many members openly “reject” the Church’s teaching on contraception or some other dogma.

In my life, I can only remember one mass during which the petitions included prayers for singles called to marriage. One. The Catechism speaks of meriting temporal goods, which the sacrament of marriage would include.

The whole issue seems so futile, such a disaster. Among the friends and coworkers and extended friends in my life, I can hardly think of a couple who did not first co-habitate prior to marriage. And those few friends who are faithful to Church teaching are overwhelmingly still single. This is a problem. Society is utterly poisoned in this manner.

I know some of you mean well when you say to be glad at being rejected by those who would embrace sexual sin. There is some truth to that. We should be glad that we do not fall to a sinful temptation, no doubt. But how far can that joy go? I am not joyful that so many are so cavalier in their rejection of Church teaching. Every couple that cohabitants prior to marriage advances a cultural norm that ultimately makes life even more difficult for the faithful. I am not joyful that good, faithful Catholics must be deprived of the sacrament to which they are called.

The point is, the pool of faithful, suitable mates should not be so small. Even if one finds a person agreeable on Church marital issues, that does not equate to compatibility in personality. There is still a good chance of being rejected or ignored even from the small pool of faithful.

That the pool of the faithful is so small makes this issue so daunting for so many. Instead the pool of those singles accepting Church teaching should be the majority. Singles should be clambering over each other to “hook” a good faithful Catholic. It should be like a mall on Black Friday, elbows flying, with singles looking to get the next great Catholic prospect. But the exact opposite is the norm. God seems to permit this disorder for some greater good, but in the meantime, the suffering grow weary.

I don’t even know what to say. Pray, I guess. Ask your parishes to pray for this cause during the petitions. I know there is the counsel that God works on His time, not ours, but meanwhile, the cross grows heavier and there is never a Simon to come along to help carry it. Even Israel wandered in the wilderness for 40 years, but manna fell from the sky, water came from a rock, and they eventually found the promised land. But for this cause, there seems to be no solace.

 

[Mayita30]

Anyone else experience rejection in dating because you accept the Church’s teaching on contraception (or other marital issue)? Is one of the negative consequences of the poor catechesis in the last 100 years that society is so ignorant of this morality that someone who accepts it is looked at like an alien who makes a prospective mate uncomfortable? And thus, why dating is a complete disaster in this age for some of the most worthy mates.

I prefer to be looked at as an Alien than to have a bad marriage. Contraception is a deal breaker and I would never consider someone who is pro abortion or pro contraception.

 

[robwar]

To the person who asked, no, it’s not right off the bat that the issue of contraception comes up.

To those who say just date people who are devout Catholics, as someone pointed out, sometimes devout Catholics are not so devout. If one has ever even been to a dating website like CatholicMatch, one would be shocked to see how many members openly “reject” the Church’s teaching on contraception or some other dogma.

In my life, I can only remember one mass during which the petitions included prayers for singles called to marriage. One. The Catechism speaks of meriting temporal goods, which the sacrament of marriage would include.

The whole issue seems so futile, such a disaster. Among the friends and coworkers and extended friends in my life, I can hardly think of a couple who did not first co-habitate prior to marriage. And those few friends who are faithful to Church teaching are overwhelmingly still single. This is a problem. Society is utterly poisoned in this manner.

I know some of you mean well when you say to be glad at being rejected by those who would embrace sexual sin. There is some truth to that. We should be glad that we do not fall to a sinful temptation, no doubt. But how far can that joy go? I am not joyful that so many are so cavalier in their rejection of Church teaching. Every couple that cohabitants prior to marriage advances a cultural norm that ultimately makes life even more difficult for the faithful. I am not joyful that good, faithful Catholics must be deprived of the sacrament to which they are called.

The point is, the pool of faithful, suitable mates should not be so small. Even if one finds a person agreeable on Church marital issues, that does not equate to compatibility in personality. There is still a good chance of being rejected or ignored even from the small pool of faithful.

That the pool of the faithful is so small makes this issue so daunting for so many. Instead the pool of those singles accepting Church teaching should be the majority. Singles should be clambering over each other to “hook” a good faithful Catholic. It should be like a mall on Black Friday, elbows flying, with singles looking to get the next great Catholic prospect. But the exact opposite is the norm. God seems to permit this disorder for some greater good, but in the meantime, the suffering grow weary.

I don’t even know what to say. Pray, I guess. Ask your parishes to pray for this cause during the petitions. I know there is the counsel that God works on His time, not ours, but meanwhile, the cross grows heavier and there is never a Simon to come along to help carry it. Even Israel wandered in the wilderness for 40 years, but manna fell from the sky, water came from a rock, and they eventually found the promised land. But for this cause, there seems to be no solace.

I am sorry about trying to find someone Eleven, have you honestly tried some the Catholic Single web sites? I think some of them do have as a prescreen one’s attutudes on this an other issues. I’ll keep you in my prayers. Stay true to Church teachings.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

One thing to remember about dating is that it also teaches us about ourselves. You are finding that these values are in fact important to you which is a good thing. You will go through a lot of rejection and have a lot of bad dates. It is part of the process.

For me, I didn’t date single moms with kids under 14. I believed that doing so would take away valuable time from a child that needs their mother. This severely limited the dating pool but not harming children was important to me.

Yes, the standards anyone has for potential mates are obstacles of some sort. Short of arraigned marriage the struggles of dating is the best system this far.

 

[white_sheep]

Don’t date a person who has different beliefs. If you want a devout Catholic marriage date only devout Catholics. Don’t try to change the person you are with. It won’t work out.

I agree with this for the most part. I would change date to marry though. You have to date to learn about them. I wouldn’t date someone who believes in new age or other nonsense. You need a better starting point.

When we started dating, I was 22 and she was 19, the first few dates were pretty light on the conversation side. We didn’t talk much about deeper matters. I got an answer or two that she was Lutheran and believed in God but didn’t go to church at that time, or really much growing up either. But she did believe in God and thought she should do what he says. She was also pretty innocent and a good person. That’s a good starting point. She didn’t have any hatred in her nor any chip on her shoulder. So she would be receptive.

The key to the rest is to go very slow and always be willing to say I don’t know, I’ll look up what the Church says. As we went on over the next few months I made it a point to discover if she would be willing to convert and open to not using contraception(and anti-abortion). Both points were quite muddy in her responses and I didn’t press hard, but saw somehow that there was a light in there somewhere that could be found. So I left it alone for a while. Over time we talked about it all and I made my cases, learning much along the way in researching to make those points.

We had probably covered everything between 3 and 6 months of dating and I had really made my arguments by probably around a year or two. After that I simply referred back to them and would restate them if needed, but she could never make a decision. As I know now, she is a terrible decision maker. If we leave church hungry and drive home we will always end up in the driveway without her being able to pick a restaurant to eat at.

What actually sealed the deal came at about the 3-3.5 year mark, when were were getting closer to being in a position to get married. She had been reading a girlie magazine that had questions to ask your man. She had actually asked me these several times, many of which are funny stories. This one I think was a find out if he’s the one type or something. Her question was “what kind of girl did you think you would marry growing up?”. I said “I’ve always known that I would marry a nice Catholic girl”. She just sat there for a minute and that was the end of that conversation. She joined the next RCIA, was received at Easter and we married in June.

So it can work out. Most of my family have married converts. Our family motto is it is easier to convert a Protestant than a Catholic. The thing is that you don’t get married until those things are worked out, and yes, contraception has been a deal breaker for many girlfriends.