contraception questions

[wonderkid1]

Hi all. I am new to the forum and i hope that am doing this right by asking questions that have not been asked multiple times.

My wife is protestant and I am catholic. We were married in the catholic church about 3 yrs ago. Within the last year or so I have been looking into my religion much closer and I have found that some of the things that I have been doing are morally offensive to God. The biggest is contraception. I brought this issue up to my wife and she was a little taken back by my views and stated that I should not be able to make a decision like this when it affects us both. In the end, she has agreed to practice NFP in the future but not at this very moment. It is not ideal for me, but it is a compromise. What am i suppose to do? Do i with-hold all marrital relations with my wife until she does practice NFP? Do I continue to have relations with my wife but run to confession everytime after? Do I not recieve communion if I dont make it to confession in time?

The next is along the same lines. She says that God did not only make sex for procreation and that any act between a man and his wife is ok even if procreation is not intended. Is this thought correct? She reports that if it wasnt then women past the years of child-bearing should not have sex and that sex would not be pleasurable.

Basically, i am wondering how to be a good husband by not causing strife between my wife and i, but also trying to be a good child in Gods eyes. I love my wife and she is an amazing person. What do i do? What can i say to her?

 

[bilop]

Hi all. I am new to the forum and i hope that am doing this right by asking questions that have not been asked multiple times.

My wife is protestant and I am catholic. We were married in the catholic church about 3 yrs ago. Within the last year or so I have been looking into my religion much closer and I have found that some of the things that I have been doing are morally offensive to God. The biggest is contraception. I brought this issue up to my wife and she was a little taken back by my views and stated that I should not be able to make a decision like this when it affects us both. In the end, she has agreed to practice NFP in the future but not at this very moment. It is not ideal for me, but it is a compromise. What am i suppose to do? Do i with-hold all marrital relations with my wife until she does practice NFP? Do I continue to have relations with my wife but run to confession everytime after? Do I not recieve communion if I dont make it to confession in time?

The next is along the same lines. She says that God did not only make sex for procreation and that any act between a man and his wife is ok even if procreation is not intended. Is this thought correct? She reports that if it wasnt then women past the years of child-bearing should not have sex and that sex would not be pleasurable.

Basically, i am wondering how to be a good husband by not causing strife between my wife and i, but also trying to be a good child in Gods eyes. I love my wife and she is an amazing person. What do i do? What can i say to her?

The Church’s stance is that, as long as you periodically try to convince your wife to stop contracepting, you are not sinning if you have relations with her while she contracepts, in order to preserve the marriage. Any sin is hers not yours, as long as you try to persuade her to change.

Sex must be both procreative (open to life) and unitive to be licit. Basically as long is sex is loving and not demeaning, and the husband finishes inside the wife (uncontracepted), during each sexual encounter, it is licit. Oral and manual stimulation are permitted, as long as they are not to completion for the man. The can lead to climax for the women as long as it is part of a completed marital act.

God will bless you for following the Church’s teaching!

 

[wonderkid1]

Oral and manual stimulation are permitted, as long as they are not to completion for the man. The can lead to climax for the women as long as it is part of a completed marital act.

What do i say when my wife expresses that she wants to perform these acts to completion (oral or hand), even though i have mentioned to her that it would mean more to me if we would could experience these acts together AND i have told her that i can patiently wait until she is ready or “in the mood”.

 

[bilop]

What do i say when my wife expresses that she wants to perform these acts to completion (oral or hand), even though i have mentioned to her that it would mean more to me if we would could experience these acts together AND i have told her that i can patiently wait until she is ready or “in the mood”.

That’s very hard. I think you explain it just like you explained it here. She can still perform these acts, but you need to finish inside her. I don’t know why she would object. Seems like it would be more pleasurable for her that way too.

Is she open to reading about Catholic teachings on sex. Might I suggest you get one of Christopher West’s books on the Theology of the Body, and read it together.

Also, pray for your wife.

God Bless

 

[Debra_C]

Hi all. I am new to the forum and i hope that am doing this right by asking questions that have not been asked multiple times.

My wife is protestant and I am catholic. We were married in the catholic church about 3 yrs ago. Within the last year or so I have been looking into my religion much closer and I have found that some of the things that I have been doing are morally offensive to God. The biggest is contraception. I brought this issue up to my wife and she was a little taken back by my views and stated that I should not be able to make a decision like this when it affects us both. In the end, she has agreed to practice NFP in the future but not at this very moment. It is not ideal for me, but it is a compromise. What am i suppose to do? Do i with-hold all marrital relations with my wife until she does practice NFP? Do I continue to have relations with my wife but run to confession everytime after? Do I not recieve communion if I dont make it to confession in time?

The next is along the same lines. She says that God did not only make sex for procreation and that any act between a man and his wife is ok even if procreation is not intended. Is this thought correct? She reports that if it wasnt then women past the years of child-bearing should not have sex and that sex would not be pleasurable.

Basically, i am wondering how to be a good husband by not causing strife between my wife and i, but also trying to be a good child in Gods eyes. I love my wife and she is an amazing person. What do i do? What can i say to her?

First advice is that you need to speak to your priest. You have expressed your concerns, and it seems she doesn’t want to give up contraception. Clearly this is a major step which most definitely does affect you both. Your about face was probably quite a surprise to her. Ideally such things would be dealt with before entering a mixed faith marriage, but you have to begin where you are.

Since she is not Catholic, you really can’t expect her to fully embrace every teaching of your faith. As a husband, you have a duty to her in regard to marital relations, as well. We aren’t supposed to use physical intimacy as some means of punishment or forcing our own point of view, so I would think withholding sex would be ill advised.

 

[manualman]

It isn’t so much that every act must be creative. God himself created the woman’s cycle to be fertile only a few days a month and for her fertility to cease long before her libido does!

What is harnful to the relationship is to seek the pleasure of sex while taking action to purposely sterilize it. This is every bit as harmful to your soul as eating a whole chocolate cake and then making yourself barf it up before it “sticks to your hips.”

I second the Chris West book “Good News about Sex and Marriage” for couple discussions.

In the interim, you aren’t doing anything wrong if SHE is the one using a contraceptive. But pray for her and discuss it, then let God do the converting.

 

[embwt]

I am about a year ahead of you on trying to live the faith more fully. My wife is Catholic, but does not beleive what the Church teaches, particularly on contraception. We have been doing NFP for almost a year, but my wife is not happy about it.

I would like to third the suggestion to read Christopher West’s book on TOB. Check out his website . . . www.christopherwest.com. If your wife would be open to reading up on Theology of the Body, I think that would help a lot. Christopher West also has a 10-CD set that I am in the process of listening to (but it’s intense and is taking me a while to get through).

What is the form of ABC? If it is condoms, you have to stop. If it is the pill or and IUD, does she know that it is an abortifacient? So long as you are not being closed to life, you are in the clear.

If she is open to NFP, what’s the hold up? Why not start today?

 

[wonderkid1]

If she is open to NFP, what’s the hold up? Why not start today?

First, thanks for all the responses.

We are settling down in a new area with new jobs and is very scared of having a child right now (as am I). I know that she is up to trying NFP but not until we are settled. Hopefully, that is sooner rather than later. I have even gone to great lengths making huge promises (in her favor vs. mine) on our future goals to convince her.

What do i say to her if she wants to pleasure me without sexual intercourse performed as mentioned earlier in my post.

 

[newbetx]

I guess I would like to add that TOB presents a fantastic view of love. It explains why these seemingly out of date church rules aren’t so out of date. The divorce rate of NFP couples is next to nothing. Why? TOB will tell you. I second the recommendation about Christopher West books. TGNAS&M is tuned to just this type of discussion.

How much does your wife want to be truely loved?

 

[embwt]

First, thanks for all the responses.

We are settling down in a new area with new jobs and is very scared of having a child right now (as am I). I know that she is up to trying NFP but not until we are settled. Hopefully, that is sooner rather than later. I have even gone to great lengths making huge promises (in her favor vs. mine) on our future goals to convince her.

What do i say to her if she wants to pleasure me without sexual intercourse performed as mentioned earlier in my post.

She wants to pleasure you without pleasure herself? Red flag. Is this because her drive is not as strong as yours? This will lead you to the cycle of you wanting relations more, and her less, which leads to you wanting even more, which leads to her wanting even less . . . if you can learn self control, I guarantee it will help your marriage. My guess is that she knows you have a stronger drive and she wants to please you even if she’s not in the mood. Again, this leads to trouble.

So what do you say to her? I don’t know exaxtly, but read up on Theology of the Body and then try to explain. Let her know that you want to make love to her, not use her for your sexual pleasure. Read up on TOB. I can’t stress that enough.

 

[wonderkid1]

She wants to pleasure you without pleasure herself? Red flag. Is this because her drive is not as strong as yours? This will lead you to the cycle of you wanting relations more, and her less, which leads to you wanting even more, which leads to her wanting even less . . . if you can learn self control, I guarantee it will help your marriage. My guess is that she knows you have a stronger drive and she wants to please you even if she’s not in the mood. Again, this leads to trouble…

I have stressed to her that i dont need or even want to have any type of sexual relation unless she is involved. However, i think she may feel as though that that is something that she must do in a marriage and that it is normal for men to want that. I dont have some crazy sex drive. In fact, i feel it is less compared to other men.

I have been reading TOB and i am hopeing through a little prayer and time that God will put us on the right path.

 

[IMAbeliever]

I have been in your shoes about 6-7 years ago although my wife is Catholic. Be patient, God is working thru you- My wife has done a 180-- I would never have imagined possible back then.

A wise and holy priest once told me to be patient, pray daily for my wife, lead by quiet example (after outlining the Church’s position, which it sound like you’ve done). He said we are like ships on a voyage and it takes time to change directions.

I will pray for you both. God bless you for standing up for Truth!

 

[fms]

What do i say when my wife expresses that she wants to perform these acts to completion (oral or hand), even though i have mentioned to her that it would mean more to me if we would could experience these acts together AND i have told her that i can patiently wait until she is ready or “in the mood”.

Please see Faith Tracts>Morality&Ethics>Contraception and Sterilization
"The Letter of Barnabas

“Moreover, he [Moses] has rightly detested the weasel [Lev. 11:29]. For he means, ‘Thou shall not be like to those whom we hear of as committing wickedness with the mouth with the body through uncleanness [orally consummated sex]; nor shall thou be joined to those impure women who commit iniquity with the mouth with the body through uncleanness’” (Letter of Barnabas 10:8 [A.D. 74]).

As I understand it, oral not OK (at all) and any finishing of man outside a woman not permissible.