Contraception: whose sin is it?

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Inthedarknight

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Two catholics who love each other and know they want to spend the rest of their lives together. Neither has been married in the Catholic Church. The woman has two kids whom, thanks to this relationship, have now started to find a stable family life. The man would have liked to have had kids but at 45 feels he’s too old. The woman is trying to follow her faith and doesn’t want to use contraception but the man insists upon using a condom. They’re supposed to be getting married, which means being open to life, but the man is stubbornly refusing to consider dropping the condoms. The woman wants to know if she should call everything off or plough on and hope that grace will open the man’s eyes. Wouldn’t getting married in this situation make the marriage null and void from the outset? A serious response to this dilemma that does not try to spare feelings or twist the Truth would be appreciated.
 
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Inthedarknight said:
Two catholics who love each other and know they want to spend the rest of their lives together. Neither has been married in the Catholic Church. The woman has two kids whom, thanks to this relationship, have now started to find a stable family life. The man would have liked to have had kids but at 45 feels he’s too old. The woman is trying to follow her faith and doesn’t want to use contraception but the man insists upon using a condom. They’re supposed to be getting married, which means being open to life, but the man is stubbornly refusing to consider dropping the condoms. The woman wants to know if she should call everything off or plough on and hope that grace will open the man’s eyes. Wouldn’t getting married in this situation make the marriage null and void from the outset? A serious response to this dilemma that does not try to spare feelings or twist the Truth would be appreciated.
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There is an objectively correct answer that you can get here, and we also have good priests who can help this couple discern. The couple should seek counsel in their parish, face to face.

In addition to the cut and dried moral issues, if the couple is unwilling to invest this discernment time, that itself is an issue. Because sexuality is one facet of marriage, and the other facets will need to be addressed together.
In my experience, there is nowhere to hide in marriage, and avoiding the work required by difficult issues does not make for peace.
 
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I would never marry someone that would force me into grave sin in the first place.
 
Inthedarknight said:
… Contraception: whose sin is it? …
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Catechism of the Catholic Church
1868 Sin is a personal act. Moreover, we have a responsibility for the sins committed by others when we cooperate in them :
  • by participating directly and voluntarily in them;
  • by ordering, advising, praising, or approving them;
  • by not disclosing or not hindering them when we have an obligation to do so;
  • by protecting evil-doers.
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Both. It is both the man and the woman’s sin.
The man for insisting on using condoms and the woman’s for allowing it.

However if they are not yet married mabye this will stop once they are married. I think both of them need to take time to see the priest and I am sure that they will love each other more and grow in faith together during marriage preparation classes.

I realise that it can be hard to take on someone else’s kids and raise and love them like their own. My own fiance is an amazing step dad to 2 of my kids and no one realises that they are his step kids. I bring this up beacuse it’s not just about the couple here there are 2 other people who will be negatively affected by this relationship if it fails over something as trivial as condoms ( especially if hes also one of the best step dad’s in the world like my fiance)
 
Yes, the marriage would be null from the start and each time it would be fornication. It is also dangerous to marry someone who is obviously very ignorant of Catholic teaching or simply a bad Catholic.
 
Christ promised us that we will never have a temptation where the only choice is “sin this way or sin that way”, there will always be a way to avoid the sin, and Christ always keeps His promises.

Trust that.

This is a situation that does call for discernment and discussion with a trusted priest.

For me, it would be a warning light if my husband to be wanted to begin the marriage by not respecting my faith. Does this couple realize that there are methods of observing fertility signs then abstaining during the fertile days if they are not ready to welcome a child at this specific time? And that the Church does not decide what is a just reason for using these methods of Natural Family Planning?
 
I agree that problems like this highlight why the Church warns against marrying outside the Faith. These days, when the Church is suffering an apostacy crisis and even many so-called practising Catholics don’t follow the Magisterium faithfully, a good Catholic is extremely hard to find.
 
Please clarify what you mean by your last statement: '… if it fails over something as trivial as condoms ’
 
Ok, so what do you do when they’re already married, had two kids and the husband doesn’t want any more kids? Does that sound like the marriage should never take place? Do they just go straight away and get an annulment? Your response is a categorical opinion lacking in perspective and maturity. People ask questions because they’re looking for helpful, constructive responses, not adolescent, rash write-offs.
 
Firstly, no one here can tell you that the marriage would be invalid— this requires more in the way of discussion and investigation during premarital preparation. But you know going in that your intended plans to contracept.

However, it is not without significant problems since you are not yet married, and know going in.

That is not the same thing as being an innocent spouse who can tolerate it under the guidance of their confessor (see the document Vademecum for Confessors). Knowing going in to the marriage implies agreement, consent on your part. I don’t see how anyone could claim to be an innocent party in that case.

Personally, I would not marry a person who plans to contracept in marriage, whether we agreed our child bearing time was in the past or not.
 
Inthedarknight said:
The woman is trying to follow her faith and doesn’t want to use contraception but the man insists upon using a condom. They’re supposed to be getting married, which means being open to life, but the man is stubbornly refusing to consider dropping the condoms.
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If the woman is trying to follow the faith, why is this couple having sex outside of marriage?
 
They were and have stopped. The woman, although cradle catholic, has received the grace of conversion and is learning about her faith. They have given themselves a year of preparation before the marriage; the important issues related to a catholic marriage are therefore only coming to the surface now. Unfortunately, neither one of them had their check-list with them when they met, nearly five years ago.
 
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Well I think currently if they were to not marry beacuse of the condom issue it will not only affect them but also the 2 kids, it’s not as simple as not marrying.

As I said above that they need to talk to the priest and go to marriage preparation class
 
If one of them decides they are going to ‘marry’ but avoid children altogether this certainly is not a true marriage. If this has happened it is grounds for obtaining an annulment which proves that it invalidates a marriage. If he intended to use contraception so that they would only have one child together this would be extremely sinful (the intention to commit a very large number of mortal sins) but the marriage would, I think, be valid.
 
recentrevert said:
If one of them decides they are going to ‘marry’ but avoid children altogether this certainly is not a true marriage.
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No, you (and by “you” I mean all of us who are random people on the internet rather than canon lawyers and pastors) cannot say this unilaterally.

There are multiple aspects that have to be looked at, in that specific case,
and it’s something best discussed with their pastor and possibly someone from the tribunal.
 
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