Controling sexual desire in sexless marriage

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gibbs

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My wife and I have been married for over 20 years. Long story short: She has no desire for sex (yes we do love each other). we did have it a little bit when we first got married but quickly weeks in between turned into months turned into years etc… I can’t remember the last time. I did all the things you read about in “sexless marriage” threads, talking, being more romantic/helpful, prof-help etc…long ago. She’s always been up front about not wanting sex and being happy with the situation so it was all for naught. I even battled (and won) the “I hate this, I want out” internal struggle. I’ve long since gotten used to the dead feeling inside when I think about never having physical intimacy. But I am human and do have the desire (still alive everywhere else). Problem is it leads me into mental fantasy’s that are sinful or worse eventually the big “M”. I fight it but inevitably fail in time. I’m getting sick of going to confession and saying the same things over and over. I feel like a hypocrite and a liar. I do pray about accepting it and for grace to handle it but…

Any thoughts on what else to do? I love God and want to be a good christian, but this keeps pulling me off course. I know I’m not the only person here in this situation.
 
I’m no help… but I just wanted to offer my prayers for your situation.

Honestly, I’m floored that a wife could actually be OKAY with saying “I’m happy with this” and simply not CARE enough about her husband in this intimate way. It’s bizarre to me and doesn’t make sense. I have a difficult time thinking you should just have to quietly deal with this. It’s frankly making me mad that anyone could be that selfish.

Anyway… I’m sorry you have to deal with this. 😦
 
I think what she’s doing is cruel, wrong, and emotionally violent.

More to the point through since you’re on a Catholic forum what she is doing is sinful in the eyes of the Catholic church. She is not to deprive you for long periods, especially if it causes you to sin. Meet with a priest, he’ll say the same thing, and it may carry more weight coming from him.
 
Have you two been to counseling over this issue? Is it admirable that you are trying to cope with it in a morally acceptable way, but the situation is NOT acceptable. If your wife loves you she would be in counseling ASAP to try to fix this issue. I’m incredulous that she thinks it’s OK to let it go on like this. If she has flat out said “no” to counseling, well then that is a whole other kettle of fish that I wouldn’t even know how to deal with.

I’m sorry for your struggle. Praying for you.
 
I’ve struggled with that concept too. She was married before, husband cheated with her best friend and ran off, (passed away in his 30’s before we married, heavy smoker). I think there was some trust or self image damage left over to say the least. guess I’m paying for someone else’s bad behavior.
 
gibbs said:
I’ve struggled with that concept too. She was married before, husband cheated with her best friend and ran off, (passed away in his 30’s before we married, heavy smoker). I think there was some trust or self image damage left over to say the least. guess I’m paying for someone else’s bad behavior.
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Uh, yeah it’s plenty clear you’re being victimized by another victim. If she hasn’t gotten counseling for those old wounds, she needs it. Sewing up those wounds would likely help her stop hurting you.
 
The_Bucket said:
Uh, yeah it’s plenty clear you’re being victimized by another victim. If she hasn’t gotten counseling for those old wounds, she needs it. Sewing up those wounds would likely help her stop hurting you.
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Absolutely. OP, have you asked her about counseling?
 
Well friend me and you are in the same boat. I struggle with masturbation, the way I deal with it is get busy. When unclean thoughts come to my mind I try to get up and do something otherwise the battle is already lost. But the most important thing to remember is no matter how great sex is when it comes to being in a married relationship it isn’t all that and a bag of chips compared to the love you have (or should) for that person. Focus on that love as Jesus loved his mother so should you your wife.
 
Counseling, been there done that (see my first post). I have the trust now (it has been +20 years), but in a way the die has been cast. when people get a certain behavior and time goes by it becomes more ingrained and set. Change becomes almost impossible. It reminds me of an old quote from Star Trek about anger (sorry to be nerdy)…

“When one has been angry for a very long time, one gets used to it. And it becomes comfortable, like… like old leather. And finally… becomes so familiar that one can’t ever remember feeling any other way.”

Getting her to want intimacy with me now I think is a lost cause.
 
Are you completely honest with one another? Does she really know the cross you are bearing, that this deprivation leads you into temptation?

I have had some of this in my marriage. I probably didn’t handle it as diplomatically as others have and went about sulking and whining and demanding. I also drifted off into forbidden areas quite a bit and this contributed greatly to the problem. But we did fight over this issue quite a bit.

Edit: I am not recommending sulking etc…
 
Dear Gibbs:
My prayers are with you. I can relate. We have been married 26 years and for 22 of them my wife had little to no interest in marital relations. Four years ago she was injured and now can not participate even if she wanted.

It is a difficult cross to carry. I went a little crazy for several years and thank God that I did not abandon my marriage or worse.

I can only say that it is a cross. I achieved some peace by joining my suffering to that of Jesus.

I wish you well and will pray for you.
 
She is not fullfilling her marital agreement. I don’t know if you are in love and want to be with her regardless. But if the love is gone due to a refusal of intimacy and you have sought various counselors, it may be time to move in a different direction. This is not a marriage.
 
If every woman in the world only had relations with her husband when she was raring to go, I imagine the world population would be a lot smaller.

I’m not trying to make light of a low or non existent libido because I know it causes a lot of men and woman a lot of anguish, but going years without the marrital embrace is completely whacky and seriously indicitive of something much deeper than lack of desire.

I couldn’t imagine that element of my marriage to not exist. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Have you told her how difficult it is for you, or do you suffer in silence as not to make her feel bad? If she doesn’t know how this is affecting you, you really need to tell her. You say that you both love each other, so love her enough to be honest!

I will pray for you both. God bless!
 
I don’t know what you can do about it but it sounds mean and selfish to me. Perhaps you wife has a medical problem and a doctor might be able to help? After that, you might try getting help from your pastor.
 
Have you read much into the theology of the Body? Listening to what the pope has to say about sex might help your marriage.
 
I’m sorry to be harsh, but no one is obligated to have sex with anyone. “No means no” as the standard of consent is so last century, the new mantra is enthusiastic consent.

And making your wife feel like she is selfish and failing you for not having sex with you sure isn’t going to put her in the mood.
 
Sapphiregirl said:
I’m sorry to be harsh, but no one is obligated to have sex with anyone. “No means no” as the standard of consent is so last century, the new mantra is enthusiastic consent.

And making your wife feel like she is selfish and failing you for not having sex with you sure isn’t going to put her in the mood.
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Nobody is obligated to own a cat, but if they do they should feed it and see it has its shots. No one is obligated to own a home, but if they do, they should take care of it and pay their taxes. No one is obligated to purchase a car, but if they drive away with the car they should make their monthly payments. This woman chose to be a wife. She didn’t have to get married. She should not be treating her husband this way.
 
Treating her husband what way? Not being interested in sex and not having sex she’s not interested in having. Oh, the horror…
 
Well, I guess since you don’t believe in divorce, and you don’t believe in masturbation, and you don’t believe in an open marriage, and you don’t believe in nonconsensual sex (I sincerely hope you don’t), what much can you do?
 
Gibbs,

I can understand and relate to you in my own way. My prayers will include you and also Boston Dad and Rhuarc.

Although we have been married twenty eight plus years (and always will be in the eyes of God), our life together stopped thirteen years ago. We still live in the same house, but our interaction is minimal at best and only then has to do with finances, illnesses, and our children (one grown and living out of state, the other a junior in high school). It is a difficult cross to bear, as is the fact that she stopped practicing her faith too. But sorry to hijack…

So yes after a while, I gave in to the impulses. Several times while travelling, I would see escorts. And it wasn’t just for the physical side, but also just to relate to a woman, and for that feeling of closeness. But certainly the sex was good; but then, empty, and the feeling of sin throughout your whole body! Such desperation.

My priest was very helpful after I “came clean” with a return to confession after several years of not seeking forgiveness. I stopped that horrible sinning five years ago, but I have struggled with “M” more recently. Like you, I am tired of repeating the sin, and God’s grace and forgiveness has really helped me. My new priest is a big believer in the devil (all evil) being the prince of this world, and that he can NEVER be defeated here, certainly not WITHOUT Christ. So avoid the devil (and avoid sin) as best you can since you cannot possibly win that battle. With God’s help this has really helped me. I hope not to fail, but I know that I can always return to God and seek forgiveness.

Now, I spend my extra time on this site, reading scripture, reading about the ECF, listening to Relevant Radio. All of those in concert have reinforced one another and made me more aware of God in my life. I have become a biweekly visitor to the confessional. I receive holy communion at least twice a week. I am thrilled on Sunday mornings. Sometimes I go to other local parishes for a second mass. I’ve found some great preachers only ten minutes away, in addition to my parish of 52 years.

I pray a few times a day. God listens. But just like a parent, sometimes he has to say no.

I work a lot and spend time with my family and friends. I coached one of the teams at my son’s high school. Keeping really busy has worked for me, so far. I know that by God’s grace that today is a good day, but sin is just around the corner.

We need to all pray for one another for God’s mercy and grace to overcome temptation. Maybe he will unlock our spouse’s hearts again!
 
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