Controling sexual desire in sexless marriage

[mandajane]

Every relationship therapist out there will tell you that it is good for your relationship to say “Yes” sometimes, even when you’re not crawling all over yourself and aroused. She should be giving her husband the opportunity to try and arouse her, not cutting him off at the knees with her self-centered behavior. This is one of the big reasons why the institution of marriage even exists - to give you a companion and partner who will prevent you from falling into sin. By refusing to have sex with her husband for years, and not even allowing him to try and get her into the mood for it, she is not fulfilling her obligations as a wife. He signed up for a wife, not a roommate.

I am sure, in my marriage, that there will be times when I “don’t feel like it”. But you know what? I “Don’t feel like” taking out the garbage. I “don’t feel like” listening to my FH complain about things. I “don’t feel like” going to class, or going to work. But my feelings are irrelevant in that regard.

As a wife I will have the responsibility of keeping my husband on the straight and narrow. Does that mean he’s going to rape me every time he’s in the mood? NO. It means that if I’m not in the mood, I will give him the oppurtunity to get me there. If he can’t, I don’t have to have sex with him, but as a loving wife, I should give him the chance to try.

OP, your wife has a problem. She needs help. So do you. You need to sit down with your priest, and explain these concerns. What she’s doing is NOT RIGHT, and a sin. After you’ve spoken with your priest, bring her in to speak with your priest. If she is unwilling to try after this, then you need to accept that she is not going to help you avoid sin, and take that into your own hands – even if that means seeking an annulment, as she obviously has and had no intention of fulfilling her marital debt.

 

[Sapphiregirl]

I like my sex like I like my chores… done out of obligation? That’s sexy…

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Well, I guess since you don’t believe in divorce, and you don’t believe in masturbation, and you don’t believe in an open marriage, and you don’t believe in nonconsensual sex (I sincerely hope you don’t), what much can you do?

That’s the problem, he can’t do anything. But what she is doing is gravely wrong, by most religious and secular standards.

It is selfish to marry someone and then deny them that kind of intimacy for decades. If there is something that is keeping her from wanting or being able to have sex then she has an obligation to do whatever she can to correct that.

 

[Sapphiregirl]

Maybe she’s asexual. If thats the case, she shouldn’t be required to act against her sexual orientation.

 

[mandajane]

Maybe she’s asexual. If thats the case, she shouldn’t be required to act against her sexual orientation.

Then she shouldn’t have gotten married.

 

[Sapphiregirl]

Maybe she didn’t realize she was asexual until she started having sex and realized she didn’t like it and wasn’t interested in it at all.

 

[Allegra]

I like my sex like I like my chores… done out of obligation? That’s sexy…

It should be done out of love. One is supposed to love their spouse. Married people are called to do any number of things they don’t really feel like doing at that moment for their family, out of love. Sex is probably one of the more enjoyable things in this catagory.

 

[mandajane]

She signed up for a responsibility she is unwilling to keep. She needs to either admit that she has a problem, and work to fix it (which according to OP she has been unwilling to do up until this point), or cooperate with OP getting an annulment so he can find a wife who is willing to help him avoid sin.

 

[Sapphiregirl]

That’s disgusting… You can’t be all “marriage is for life, divorce is evil”, and then turn around and decide “this isn’t working for me, lets pretend the marriage wasn’t real”… That is sick sick sick.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Maybe she didn’t realize she was asexual until she started having sex and realized she didn’t like it and wasn’t interested in it at all.

Too bad? She got married. That’s a commitment. Yes, that commitment does include a sexual obligation. And a big part of being married is putting your commitment and obligation to your spouse before your own preferences.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

It should be done out of love. One is supposed to love their spouse. Married people are called to do any number of things they don’t really feel like doing at that moment for their family, out of love. Sex is probably one of the more enjoyable things in this catagory.

 

[Allegra]

Treating her husband what way? Not being interested in sex and not having sex she’s not interested in having. Oh, the horror…

Yes. She is violating her vows and denying her husband intimacy. I think it’s very cruel.

 

[dixieagle]

That’s disgusting… You can’t be all “marriage is for life, divorce is evil”, and then turn around and decide “this isn’t working for me, lets pretend the marriage wasn’t real”… That is sick sick sick.

Your ignorance of the concept of marriage - in this instance, Catholic marriage - is profound. You might want to do some reading and inform yourself before coming onto a Catholic forum and spewing nonsense.

 

[Seira]

Nobody is obligated to own a cat, but if they do they should feed it and see it has its shots. No one is obligated to own a home, but if they do, they should take care of it and pay their taxes. No one is obligated to purchase a car, but if they drive away with the car they should make their monthly payments. This woman chose to be a wife. She didn’t have to get married. She should not be treating her husband this way.

Well he didn’t have to get married to someone who isn’t interested in sex. You can’t force another person to have sex against their will. That’s rape. Man that one thread about how other threads lately here have been anti-women was right. The role of women I guess is to do everything to please her husband even if it is hurting her & if she doesn’t, she’s an evil harpy. BTW, we’re only getting his side of the story so I think people are jumping to conclusions. Not that it’s anybodys business. Why people come here of all places to air their marital dirty laundry I’ll never know. What do you think your priest is for? I would talk to the priest about it before ever discussing anything like this on the internet.

 

[mandajane]

That’s disgusting… You can’t be all “marriage is for life, divorce is evil”, and then turn around and decide “this isn’t working for me, lets pretend the marriage wasn’t real”… That is sick sick sick.

It’s not pretending, and it’s not sick. Marriage is for life, and divorce is evil. But if a person in the marriage was unable to validly contract a marriage, as they were not intending to accept the responsibilities and obligations that state entails, then the words they spoke at the altar were a lie, and the marriage did not happen.

It would be one thing if his wife were unable to have sex with him because of an injury or illness. It is quite another when it’s selfishness.

 

[Sapphiregirl]

If that’s the case, then victims of adultery should get annulments, because their partner didn’t fulfill their vows either.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Well he didn’t have to get married to someone who isn’t interested in sex. You can’t force another person to have sex against their will. That’s rape. Man that one thread about how other threads lately here have been anti-women was right. The role of women I guess is to do everything to please her husband even if it is hurting her & if she doesn’t, she’s an evil harpy. BTW, we’re only getting his side of the story so I think people are jumping to conclusions. Not that it’s anybodys business. Why people come here of all places to air their marital dirty laundry I’ll never know. What do you think your priest is for? I would talk to the priest about it before ever discussing anything like this on the internet.

No. He did nothing wrong. He had no way of knowing that she wasn’t interested. It was her responsibility to not get married if she wasn’t in to sex. Sex is a part of marriage, and unless abstinence is mutual, then sex is a responsibility.

And I would be willing to bet that every single poster on here would say the same thing if the man was refusing the woman.

 

[Sapphiregirl]

So all of you are saying that asexual people can’t have a valid marriage?

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

Well he didn’t have to get married to someone who isn’t interested in sex. You can’t force another person to have sex against their will. That’s rape. Man that one thread about how other threads lately here have been anti-women was right. The role of women I guess is to do everything to please her husband even if it is hurting her & if she doesn’t, she’s an evil harpy. BTW, we’re only getting his side of the story so I think people are jumping to conclusions. Not that it’s anybodys business. Why people come here of all places to air their marital dirty laundry I’ll never know. What do you think your priest is for? I would talk to the priest about it before ever discussing anything like this on the internet.

The same would go if it was the man that did not want sex. Why does everything have to automatically be "anti-woman’!!! In this case it happens to be a woman that does not want sex, but it could have been a man who did not want to have sex with his wife. If my husband wants to show his love for me, I will accept that regardless of the mood I am in. He accepts me regardless of the mood he is in. If a person is ill, etc, and cannot accept a form of demonstration of love, then that is different… If my husband wants to kiss me on the cheek to show his affection for me, I will accept that kiss regardless of how I am feeling. Sex is much more than a kiss though, and when done out of love is very good for a marriage, it reinforces the bond, it is sacramental! When a couple gets married, they become one. This does not mean that either party can abuse of the other, but it does mean that we are no longer on our own without any responsibilities towards another person.

 

[mandajane]

So all of you are saying that asexual people can’t have a valid marriage?

If they marry someone else who is asexual, and they both agree to have an abstinent marriage, then sure they can. But an asexual person who is unwilling to work with a normal person is incapable of contracting a valid marriage with them.