Controling sexual desire in sexless marriage

[BlueEyedLady]

If that’s the case, then victims of adultery should get annulments, because their partner didn’t fulfill their vows either.

I’m sorry, but I have to say something. I’m not Catholic either. And like you I don’t like the concept of an annulment. But at least I understand what it is and what is grounds for one. Please do some research.

 

[Sapphiregirl]

The OP didn’t say whether or not children were involved.

 

[Allegra]

That’s disgusting… You can’t be all “marriage is for life, divorce is evil”, and then turn around and decide “this isn’t working for me, lets pretend the marriage wasn’t real”… That is sick sick sick.

You clearly don’t have a realistic understanding of what an annulment is. Marriage for Catholics is a sacrament and a vocation. It’s not just an agreement that two people will live together for as long as they both find in convenient and pleasurable. If a person is unaware of the requirements for entering into such a sacrament, then they can’t really do so truthfully. If this woman thought that she could trap this man into perpetual roommatedom, then she wasn’t being honest when she made her vows. Do you know what the third intention in the sacrament of marriage is?

“Will you accept children lovingly from God, and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church?”

If the OP’s wife thought that what she is doing now was exceptable when she agreed to this mandate, she LIED. That’s why we say that the sacrament of marriage never took place.

 

[johnnyjones]

Well he didn’t have to get married to someone who isn’t interested in sex. You can’t force another person to have sex against their will. That’s rape. Man that one thread about how other threads lately here have been anti-women was right. The role of women I guess is to do everything to please her husband even if it is hurting her & if she doesn’t, she’s an evil harpy. BTW, we’re only getting his side of the story so I think people are jumping to conclusions. Not that it’s anybodys business. Why people come here of all places to air their marital dirty laundry I’ll never know. What do you think your priest is for? I would talk to the priest about it before ever discussing anything like this on the internet.

You jumped to conclusions with the word “force”. No one said force. Sex from time to time is an obligation in marriage. The bible ,which some would lean towards being sometimes frigid even says “wives satisfy your husbands” and vice versa.

 

[Sapphiregirl]

Who would WANT to have sex with someone who was doing it out of obligation? That’s what I don’t understand…

 

[Allegra]

If that’s the case, then victims of adultery should get annulments, because their partner didn’t fulfill their vows either.

The question is whether or not the person intended to fullfill their vows at the time of the marriage. Many annulments occur because one or both parties did not believe in the permanancy of marriage.

 

[Sapphiregirl]

Ok, well maybe she did intend to fulfill her vows. She got married, had sex, and realized it wasn’t for her. She still could have had the intention of doing so.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Who would WANT to have sex with someone who was doing it out of obligation? That’s what I don’t understand…

The thing about sex is that even if you don’t want it to start with, it usually turns out to be a good experience.

Oh, and regardless of why he wants it, he does. And that’s his right.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

That’s disgusting… You can’t be all “marriage is for life, divorce is evil”, and then turn around and decide “this isn’t working for me, lets pretend the marriage wasn’t real”… That is sick sick sick.

Sapphire, you are correct. You cannot pretend a valid marriage wasn’t real. That is why the Catholic Church does not allow a person to remarry after a divorce unless a thorough investigation reveals that their first marriage was invalid, there has to be proof that it was never there in order for them to enter into a valid marriage with someone else. It can happen, but if a couple gets married validly and then doesn’t like how it is going, no, they cannot pretend the marriage was never real. They are bound by marriage till death and cannot divorce and remarry.

 

[Allegra]

Ok, well maybe she did intend to fulfill her vows. She got married, had sex, and realized it wasn’t for her. She still could have had the intention of doing so.

You seem to misunderstand. Her intention should have been that she will engage in the marital embrace with her husband. The suffix of “if I feel like it.” or “if it’s for me” renders the vow false. She has the obligation of seeking medical or psychological treatment if it would help her to engage in sex with her husband. In any case, she has the obligation to love her husband in ways that aren’t easy for her, if that’s what is required.

 

[johnnyjones]

You seem to misunderstand. Her intention should have been that she will engage in the marital embrace with her husband. The suffix of “if I feel like it.” or “if it’s for me” renders the vow false. She has the obligation of seeking medical or psychological treatment if it would help her to engage in sex with her husband. In any case, she has the obligation to love her husband in ways that aren’t easy for her, if that’s what is required.

Bingo!

 

[johnnyjones]

Who would WANT to have sex with someone who was doing it out of obligation? That’s what I don’t understand…

A man.

 

[helplesspilgrim]

I don’t want to get into the discussion to much, but wanted to say that, as a person in a similar situation, though different; we are newlywedish, desperately want to be together, NFP has been an absolute failure, pregnancy is dangerous for my wife and a child, and i will not risk hurting her, thus abstinent. Probably for the next 30ish years. I just pray it gets better for all suffering through it. I know its been devestating for us, especially for her as the catholic half with the prohibition on barrier BC, or sexual intimacy outside a completed act (i assure her its not her fault and she shouldnt feel guilty due to it). I tough it out because I love her. But our sex life is dead, much to our grief.

So while different situation with same outcome. I pray for you all and good luck.

 

[mandajane]

helplesspilgrim,

Has your wife gone to see a Catholic OB? Have you tried all the different types of NFP, or just one?

You should be able to get help in this arena.

 

[Allegra]

I don’t want to get into the discussion to much, but wanted to say that, as a person in a similar situation, though different; we are newlywedish, desperately want to be together, NFP has been an absolute failure, pregnancy is dangerous for my wife and a child, and i will not risk hurting her, thus abstinent. Probably for the next 30ish years. I just pray it gets better for all suffering through it. I know its been devestating for us, especially for her as the catholic half with the prohibition on barrier BC, or sexual intimacy outside a completed act (i assure her its not her fault and she shouldnt feel guilty due to it). I tough it out because I love her. But our sex life is dead, much to our grief.

So while different situation with same outcome. I pray for you all and good luck.

That is love. I hope you wife’s condition improves. God bless!

 

[helplesspilgrim]

I dont want to hijack this thread but yes we’ve been to the doc and they see nothing wrong. We’ve talked to a few instructors of different methods. No help. One orginization actually told us to “just get pregnant”. I dont want to get into the abject failure our NFP experiences are. Suffice to say we at the end of our rope. Just wanted to say good luck to others suffering with it, they are not alone.

 

[Robertanthony]

Maybe she didn’t realize she was asexual until she started having sex and realized she didn’t like it and wasn’t interested in it at all.

If I’m not mistaken he said she had been married previously and her husband ran off with her friend. So she knew if she liked sex or not. Also. I think someone can know with a certain level of certainty if they’re asexual prior to having sex if they have zero libido and no interest in these things. But that’s a moot point because she wasn’t a virgin when she married OP.
"Sapphiregirl:

Who would WANT to have sex with someone who was doing it out of obligation? That’s what I don’t understand…

A man.

Lol.

 

[Saturn5]

Who would WANT to have sex with someone who was doing it out of obligation? That’s what I don’t understand…

I suspect you believe love is a feeling and not actions as well.

OP my prayers are with you. I am in a very similar situation. I got the “I love you, but not ‘in’ love with you” conversation about 3 years ago. We shared physical intimacy regularly prior to that and have since gone cold turkey.

My wife grew up watching a verbally abusive marriage between her parents so that is the root of our problem. She refuses to see a counselor and saw our parish priest once (who told us to seek professional counseling )

I pray a daily rosary for my wife. I ask the Blessed Mother for help when I am tempted too. I listen to Relevant Radio, read Scripture and go to Mass multiple times a week, so I unfortunately cannot add anything more other than tell you, your wife and you will be in my prayers this evening. God bless you.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I’m sorry to be harsh, but no one is obligated to have sex with anyone. “No means no” as the standard of consent is so last century, the new mantra is enthusiastic consent.

And making your wife feel like she is selfish and failing you for not having sex with you sure isn’t going to put her in the mood.

You are wrong. When 2 people marry, they become one flesh, and they are to welcome the marital embrace. In fact if someone cannot have children, they are not to marry. The way to have children naturally is to have sexual relations. And sex between spouses is normal, natural, and binds the two people more tightly together.

The OP’s situation is extreme, and the wife needs counseling, and possibly medical help.

 

[mamaslo]

My wife and I have been married for over 20 years. Long story short: She has no desire for sex (yes we do love each other). we did have it a little bit when we first got married but quickly weeks in between turned into months turned into years etc… I can’t remember the last time. I did all the things you read about in “sexless marriage” threads, talking, being more romantic/helpful, prof-help etc…long ago. She’s always been up front about not wanting sex and being happy with the situation so it was all for naught. I even battled (and won) the “I hate this, I want out” internal struggle. I’ve long since gotten used to the dead feeling inside when I think about never having physical intimacy. But I am human and do have the desire (still alive everywhere else). Problem is it leads me into mental fantasy’s that are sinful or worse eventually the big “M”. I fight it but inevitably fail in time. I’m getting sick of going to confession and saying the same things over and over. I feel like a hypocrite and a liar. I do pray about accepting it and for grace to handle it but…

Any thoughts on what else to do? I love God and want to be a good christian, but this keeps pulling me off course. I know I’m not the only person here in this situation.

Have you told her how much you are struggling? Forget the comments about her being cruel. I know someone in the same situation and his priest, after he fell, advised him to talk to her when he fails. Also he very pointedly asked him “does your wife have your whole heart or not?!”

Sometimes things just are they way they are. You have tried to do what you can, and sometimes you just have to find other ways to connect. Give her your full attention.