My heart and prayers go out to you. I can sypathsize and commiserate. Do keep praying, and do not be scandalized when you fall. Get up, and run to the Cross. Remember - and I say this as much to remind myself as I suffer - the one place we can ALWAYS find Christ is at the Cross. And He’s there because he chose to be out of love, His love for you, a love that burns within Him even as He knows everything about you (and about me, about each of us) including our sins.
Keep loving your wife - pray for wisdom and patience. Pray that you can love her in the dimension of the Cross. That’s the love that spills forth with no expectation for anything in return - the pure love that Jesus has for each of us. The love that we each look for, but in all the wrong places. There probably is “something” (but not you) that causes your wife to withdraw or not engage in making love - and it likely has nothing to do with a desire to “be cruel” or withhold on some “marital obligation” or any of those great textbook truths that don’t solve the living, practical issue that confronts you and the love of your life.
Your post speaks to me - and I’m new to this. My wife and I are coming up on our 23rd wedding anniversary. I wish I could tell you we have a stellar and perfect Christian marriage and here’s how you can do it too. But sadly our union is emptier and colder than most, and to yor predicament, we have not made love to each other 23 times in our 23 years of marriage because, though young and blessed with robust health, my wife too simply has no interest or desire to engage in any physical intimacy with me.
We were each other’s “first”, and dated for many years before marrying, so we thought we were “prepared,” but I was crushed when, after we consumated our marriage on our wedding night, I could not interest her in making love again until some 8 or 9 months later! Needless to say, the frequency only dropped off after the honeymoon. I figured there was something horribly wrong with me that my wife had no interest in me, actually avoided me and my touch. Virtually all physical contact - hugging, kissing, stopped. I know I should not be so proud and vain, but my ego was so hurt at being constantly rejected by my wife - at not being able to “get lucky” with my own spouse - that I eventually stopped trying, opting for longer hours in the office, and taking the affirmation of job satisfaction and a bigger check. I had, and still have, no interest in any other woman, and no interest in divorce. As best as I know, she has not strayed either. But I was too proud to admit to ANYONE that I was having this issue - this “problem” - at home, so I avoided it, and it simply festered.
I did go to medical doctors, all of whom said I was physically and mentally fine. I saw counselors and tried to learn how to communicate better, which helped me to hear my wife clearly say “I don’t have any interest in sex, and think you are a pig for wanting it so much. I can’t believe you are keeping count of how often we engage in it. Grow up!” So I quit asking, as it clearly was not something she enjoyed doing or being asked to do.
I knew, and still know, she loved me, and I her, but the lack of intimacy did take it’s toll, as did the long hours in the office, and we have grown apart to where she now is bitter and tells me she “doesn’t know who I am”, because of bad acts I’ve committed due to temptations to which I gave in (porn). I, for my part, withdrew like the immature “boy”, and my heart hardened towards her to where I was not honoring her with the affection and thoughtfulness she deserved and was entitled to as my spouse and lover.
As mentioned above, though it had never interested or tempted me, a few years ago, when in my mid-40s, I discovered on-line porn, and became hooked. And the disgusting “M” was a natural consequence - and I was all the more scandalized and ashamed at what I’d become. I couldn’t interest my own wife in making love for the life of me, but I surfed the net and satisfied myself. Gross. Naturally, though I “hid” this “second life”, she eventually discovered it, and it disgusted her to the point that she moved out of our bedroom and avoids allowing me to see her in any state of undress (which ironically helped since I was avoiding her beauty as it had become a frustration anyway). But you see how unhealthy this whole vicious cycle - spiral really - is.
Her discovery of the porn was a low point in my life, and in our relationship, and unbelievably (since I didn’t think we could make love less frequently) in our sex life. But I pray it is also a turning point. I admit that most days things are absolutely awful right now. We can no longer even speak civilly most of the time because she “hates me.” I find that I have feelings of resentment at the lack of intimacy even though I realize I’ve caused the problem, or made it worse. And, as if it were not bad enough, I recently suffered a “freak” spinal injury that has left me with a permanent state of alternating persistent pain and numbness in one hand. This injury actually is what caused the resentment because now, even if she would let me hold her and touch her, my ability to “feel” her and enjoy the warmth and softness of her body is diminished and going away. But the reason it is a turning point is because we have discovered something - something terrible, but that has needed to be known so that healing could begin: my wife has, for the first time, begun to remember that she was sexually abused as a young child. This is devastating, and breaks my heart that she was subjected to such monstrous treatment. But it also sheds light on why our sex life and intimacy unfolded as it did. And it made me see how my pride and unwillingness to go for help in that first week, or first month or even first year or couple of years of marriage was a terrible injustice to my wife and our marriage. That I had projected what our married sex life should be like - and would not accept or face reality when it did not meet expectations due to pure pride was a grave sin.
I can whine and feel sorry for us both about how we’ve never made love on Valentine’s, our birthday’s, our anniversary, New Year’s Eve or any of the times I thought would be festive and natural times we’d be together and able to enjoy each other. I love her, and know she’s a wonderful woman of great faith. And of course I think she’s stunningly beautiful, though I find my self avoiding looking at her since I know I cannot touch her or be intimate, so her beauty is as often a source of temptation and misery as it is joy. But feeling sorry for myself is not love for her. Rather, I am beginning to see how I do not love - had no idea how to love. And that God is giving my wife and I an opportunity to see that our marriage - and our struggles to be intimate - and our being together, is no mistake. It’s perfect, and can and will be a source of happiness for each of us. But more importantly, it is helping us to see that our happiness is not in each other, but in God first. Courage, brother. This one is tough! Pray for me -
