Controling sexual desire in sexless marriage

  • Thread starter Thread starter gibbs
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
gibbs said:
My wife and I have been married for over 20 years. Long story short: She has no desire for sex (yes we do love each other). we did have it a little bit when we first got married but quickly weeks in between turned into months turned into years etc… I can’t remember the last time. I did all the things you read about in “sexless marriage” threads, talking, being more romantic/helpful, prof-help etc…long ago. She’s always been up front about not wanting sex and being happy with the situation so it was all for naught. I even battled (and won) the “I hate this, I want out” internal struggle. I’ve long since gotten used to the dead feeling inside when I think about never having physical intimacy. But I am human and do have the desire (still alive everywhere else). Problem is it leads me into mental fantasy’s that are sinful or worse eventually the big “M”. I fight it but inevitably fail in time. I’m getting sick of going to confession and saying the same things over and over. I feel like a hypocrite and a liar. I do pray about accepting it and for grace to handle it but…

Any thoughts on what else to do? I love God and want to be a good christian, but this keeps pulling me off course. I know I’m not the only person here in this situation.
Click to expand...
Read her that Biblical passage telling spouses not to deprive each-other, as this might lead to just this problem. What was that one again?
 
Sapphiregirl said:
Who would WANT to have sex with someone who was doing it out of obligation? That’s what I don’t understand…
Click to expand...
I don’t think even the OP would want to have sex with his wife if she were just doing it to “fulfill her duty”.

A sexual relationship within marriage is an important thing- it’s a matter of mental, emotional, and physical closeness. To deny your spouse that feeling of closeness is indeed cruel.

When I’m not in the mood, I’m STILL intimate with my husband. Not out of obligation, not in order to “check off” my “good wife duties” for the day, but because I am honored that my husband wants to be close to me; as close as two human beings can possibly get. Even when I’m not physically interested, an emotional need of MINE is fulfilled because I engaged anyway. My consent, even when I’m not “feeling it”, isn’t an act of martyrdom, it’s an act of pure love for my husband who wants and needs that physical feeling of closeness to me. My marriage isn’t all about me, it’s about us, and just like I expect my husband to sacrifice sometimes for the sake of our marriage, I do as well.
 
I’m sure my wife has done it many many times over the years when she wasn’t in the mood. It’s probably gone the other way a couple times ;). I think you’re right - ideally, it’s out of love, recognizing a need in one’s spouse. But I’d settle for duty in a pinch!
 
gibbs said:
My wife and I have been married for over 20 years. Long story short: She has no desire for sex (yes we do love each other). we did have it a little bit when we first got married but quickly weeks in between turned into months turned into years etc… I can’t remember the last time. I did all the things you read about in “sexless marriage” threads, talking, being more romantic/helpful, prof-help etc…long ago. She’s always been up front about not wanting sex and being happy with the situation so it was all for naught. I even battled (and won) the “I hate this, I want out” internal struggle. I’ve long since gotten used to the dead feeling inside when I think about never having physical intimacy. But I am human and do have the desire (still alive everywhere else). Problem is it leads me into mental fantasy’s that are sinful or worse eventually the big “M”. I fight it but inevitably fail in time. I’m getting sick of going to confession and saying the same things over and over. I feel like a hypocrite and a liar. I do pray about accepting it and for grace to handle it but…

Any thoughts on what else to do? I love God and want to be a good christian, but this keeps pulling me off course. I know I’m not the only person here in this situation.
Click to expand...
Your definetly not alone, I relate to everything your saying, only Im at the beginning of my marriage.
I’m married now only a couple of years and it has now been 10 months since the last time I was intimate with my wife. And I dont think it even bothers her.
Lets pray for each other.
 
tundra1 said:
Your definetly not alone, I relate to everything your saying, only Im at the beginning of my marriage.
I’m married now only a couple of years and it has now been 10 months since the last time I was intimate with my wife. And I dont think it even bothers her.
Lets pray for each other.
Click to expand...
By definition the state of marriage is sexed and by principle it is sexual. It is not negotiable. If the day of wedding one spouse simulates the agreement on the donation of body (the right on the body), the marriage is not a marriage, it is a fake conjugal link.

Do you want an almost josephite marriage without the agremment of two spouses, knowing that at each minutes one member of couple has the right to request the marital act. The fact of refusing without objective and true reason the conjugal sex, is wrong, and is probably a sin venial or grave sin.

Your spouse is catholic or not? Does she have the objective reasons to refuse? The situation looks crual and the negation of her vows and of rights of her husband on her body is very wrong, crual, and seems to be on the sinful way.
 
Saying the things very directly in link with catholic doctrine can be a mental electroshock with a positive end.

Each member of couple has moral rights on the body of the other. The non respect of this rights, the obligations and duties without good, objective and realistic reasons, is a violation of the vows: it is an infraction and a non respect of marital debt. (See the doctrine of catholic church).
 
Allegra said:
Nobody is obligated to own a cat, but if they do they should feed it and see it has its shots. No one is obligated to own a home, but if they do, they should take care of it and pay their taxes. No one is obligated to purchase a car, but if they drive away with the car they should make their monthly payments. This woman chose to be a wife. She didn’t have to get married. She should not be treating her husband this way.
Click to expand...
^^^
This

I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. As another poster said, this is not just about a someone who doesn’t enjoy sex, your wife is also being very selfish and cruel. If she truly has a physical condition that causes her pain during sexual relations she should actively be seeking treatment for it, but unfortunately it sounds like she just doesn’t care. I would have a serious talk with her about her marital duties. Good luck!
 
BListon said:
Hungry troll is hungry:eek:
Click to expand...
Not wishing to feed the troll, nor endorse the act, but perhaps the ‘all or nothing’ expectation could be creating problems for your wife. Provided the marital act is entered into with a sincere desire to complete it, it could be preceded by a very long, slow, gradual ‘build up’, and if either spouse cannot complete for serious reasons, as I understand it , there is no sin. If you climax early, that is not a sin, and if she decides she can’t go through with it, that’s not a sin either. Maybe you need to allow yourself the possibility of a few false starts before you feel up to it. They say if anyone knew the full implications of having a kid, and if you considered every trial it would bring for 18+ years at the moment of conception, no one would ever conceive. If this is true of the creative aspect of the marital embrace, could it not also be true of the unitive aspect? Maybe thinking the whole thing through to its conclusion is too much for your wife. Maybe you just need to be tender, patient, and build trust moment by moment?
 
gibbs said:
My wife and I have been married for over 20 years. Long story short: She has no desire for sex (yes we do love each other). we did have it a little bit when we first got married but quickly weeks in between turned into months turned into years etc… I can’t remember the last time. I did all the things you read about in “sexless marriage” threads, talking, being more romantic/helpful, prof-help etc…long ago. She’s always been up front about not wanting sex and being happy with the situation so it was all for naught. I even battled (and won) the “I hate this, I want out” internal struggle. I’ve long since gotten used to the dead feeling inside when I think about never having physical intimacy. But I am human and do have the desire (still alive everywhere else). Problem is it leads me into mental fantasy’s that are sinful or worse eventually the big “M”. I fight it but inevitably fail in time. I’m getting sick of going to confession and saying the same things over and over. I feel like a hypocrite and a liar. I do pray about accepting it and for grace to handle it but…

Any thoughts on what else to do? I love God and want to be a good christian, but this keeps pulling me off course. I know I’m not the only person here in this situation.
Click to expand...
Sex is very important to a marriage. It sounds to me like there is something going on with your wife that is keeping her from seeing sex in a positive light (unless she’s having an affair, but it doesn’t sound like it). I would personally judge you to have a weakened moral culpability for the big M. I could say you have “conjugal rights” that she is denying, but that sounds cold and demeaning to women. What you have is the right to be totally and completely and of course sexually loved by your wife. I believe the big M is likely motivated from your inner loneliness, rather than lust in this situation.

I would make sure you’re seeing a regular confessor and explain that your wife is sexually denying you. I would ask him what he recommends for confession: how frequently you should go, and about dealing with the anxiety of feeling like you’re perpetually out of a state of grace.

Try not to demonize your sexual desire, and strive to be merciful with yourself. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go to confession, but you shouldn’t have to live in a heightened state of anxiety because of your sins.
 
There are always two sides to the story and I say this because I am having problems in my marriage regarding sex. I am the one who has lost interest over the years but it is because of years of many different things that he has done. He does not take care of himself, he does not maintain things around the home for us,he will not participate in the household budget, was not very active in the upbringing up of the kids. When we had any problems and we needed to discuss as a couple he would refuse to acknowledge them and would ignore the problem, or if confronted to talk about it, he would change the subject or just agree with me to not have to deal with it. I am not saying that I never have done anything wrong, just that it takes two in most problems so they both should reflect on their lfe together and perhaps counseling would be good. If she won’t go you still could and maybe you could learn how to talk to her to get her to open up to you about her deep feelings and why she may not be interested anymore. Good luck I know I would like to have my marriage back on track but feel it may be to late.
 
Laurem60 said:
There are always two sides to the story and I say this because I am having problems in my marriage regarding sex. I am the one who has lost interest over the years but it is because of years of many different things that he has done. He does not take care of himself, he does not maintain things around the home for us,he will not participate in the household budget, was not very active in the upbringing up of the kids. When we had any problems and we needed to discuss as a couple he would refuse to acknowledge them and would ignore the problem, or if confronted to talk about it, he would change the subject or just agree with me to not have to deal with it. I am not saying that I never have done anything wrong, just that it takes two in most problems so they both should reflect on their lfe together and perhaps counseling would be good. If she won’t go you still could and maybe you could learn how to talk to her to get her to open up to you about her deep feelings and why she may not be interested anymore. Good luck I know I would like to have my marriage back on track but feel it may be to late.
Click to expand...
My wife can probably say most, if not all, of these things. (Are you may wife?!) And I know I have disappointed her many times - that she can legitimately so state. But, then again, she falls a little short of perfection too. But this attitude - this “quid pro quo” approach to marital relations hardly seems like “love”, or even designed to increase intimacy. It’s not “giving of self” selflessly. Instead, it reduces making love into something crass. It makes it seem as if sex is a “reward” that must be earned by meeting the “standard” set by your spouse: it’s the “reward” for taking care of myself, maintaining things around the house, participating in budgeting (in addition to being the primary earner), and being VERY active in raising the kids (as determined solely by your spouse). So basically, marraige becomes one judgment after the other, with love-making doled out if I “make the grade.”
 
Fallen1 said:
My wife can probably say most, if not all, of these things. (Are you may wife?!) And I know I have disappointed her many times - that she can legitimately so state. But, then again, she falls a little short of perfection too. But this attitude - this “quid pro quo” approach to marital relations hardly seems like “love”, or even designed to increase intimacy. It’s not “giving of self” selflessly. Instead, it reduces making love into something crass. It makes it seem as if sex is a “reward” that must be earned by meeting the “standard” set by your spouse: it’s the “reward” for taking care of myself, maintaining things around the house, participating in budgeting (in addition to being the primary earner), and being VERY active in raising the kids (as determined solely by your spouse). So basically, marraige becomes one judgment after the other, with love-making doled out if I “make the grade.”
Click to expand...
I’m guessing LaurenM60 is talking less about a quid pro quo scenario and more about how woman can become sexually uninterested in a man who has lost what we might term “his manliness.” She’s not supposed to be sexually interested in a man she feels has lost interest in caring for himself and what not.

It’s magical how God works like that. The symptom is the no sex thing. The problem/cause is that the man has lost his way. Doesn’t take care of himself, doesn’t communicate with his wife, is a hands-off parent. If a woman met such a man at a bar. “Hi, I obviously don’t take care of myself—indicating I’m a poor genetic mate—, my finances are in ruin because I don’t like to confront issues face on—indicating I’m a disaster waiting to happen—,and I feel you should be the only one doing the parenting—indicating I would be a terrible father to your children.” Would we expect her to feel any sense of attraction to him? At all?

It’s not that when you clean up after yourself, she is all, “okay, then you’ve earned the sex.” It’s more along the lines of: “Oh. I see you as a the self-sufficient, impressive, driven, Godly man who I wanted to father my babies. That’s hot to me.”

(I don’t think any of this is probably relevant to the original poster. Something sounds chronic about his wife’s libido.)
 
Fallen1 said:
My wife can probably say most, if not all, of these things. (Are you may wife?!) And I know I have disappointed her many times - that she can legitimately so state. But, then again, she falls a little short of perfection too. But this attitude - this “quid pro quo” approach to marital relations hardly seems like “love”, or even designed to increase intimacy. It’s not “giving of self” selflessly. Instead, it reduces making love into something crass. It makes it seem as if sex is a “reward” that must be earned by meeting the “standard” set by your spouse: it’s the “reward” for taking care of myself, maintaining things around the house, participating in budgeting (in addition to being the primary earner), and being VERY active in raising the kids (as determined solely by your spouse). So basically, marraige becomes one judgment after the other, with love-making doled out if I “make the grade.”
Click to expand...
Intimacy is not a reward but you could say it is the fruit of a communal life well lived. So you are not rewarded for taking card of yourself, but taking care of yourself honors your partner and thus furthers intimacy.

Your wife’s abuse issue should be first priority in your marriage. For her sake and for the sake of your marriage. Pray together. It works. If no words come, pray silently together. Lead the prayer if she does not want to speak. It will build intimacy, not the sex kind necessarily, but a deeper kind.
 
I just wanted to point out that sometimes we look at one side of things and forget that there are two. Physics states for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, so couples need to think as a team. When people marry they commit to each other for life, for better or for worse. I pray that this couple can work out their issues. We are all here to add insight and by sharing our own experiences and feelings it may help them to work out their own. If they know others battle the same problems in their marriages it may give them hope for theirs. There is a very good book I am currently reading called the “The Walk Out Woman”. It is for both men and women to read and I am finding out so many things about my marriage from it. I would recommend it to others who are having problems in their relationships. I will pray for all of us dealing with our marriage problems.
 
Laurem60 said:
I just wanted to point out that sometimes we look at one side of things and forget that there are two. Physics states for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, so couples need to think as a team. When people marry they commit to each other for life, for better or for worse. I pray that this couple can work out their issues. We are all here to add insight and by sharing our own experiences and feelings it may help them to work out their own. If they know others battle the same problems in their marriages it may give them hope for theirs. There is a very good book I am currently reading called the “The Walk Out Woman”. It is for both men and women to read and I am finding out so many things about my marriage from it. I would recommend it to others who are having problems in their relationships. I will pray for all of us dealing with our marriage problems.
Click to expand...
LaurenM60 - as a sidebar, I’d also suggest viewing Michelle Weiner-Davis’ site, Divorcebusting.com. It’s not Catholic based, but fundementally she is very pro-marriage. Also I’ve read books by Dr. Gregory Popcak and they rock! His site is exceptionalmarriages.com. God bless and I will be praying for everyone on this thread who’s marriage is suffering.
 
gibbs said:
My wife and I have been married for over 20 years. Long story short: She has no desire for sex (yes we do love each other). we did have it a little bit when we first got married but quickly weeks in between turned into months turned into years etc… I can’t remember the last time. I did all the things you read about in “sexless marriage” threads, talking, being more romantic/helpful, prof-help etc…long ago. She’s always been up front about not wanting sex and being happy with the situation so it was all for naught. I even battled (and won) the “I hate this, I want out” internal struggle. I’ve long since gotten used to the dead feeling inside when I think about never having physical intimacy. But I am human and do have the desire (still alive everywhere else). Problem is it leads me into mental fantasy’s that are sinful or worse eventually the big “M”. I fight it but inevitably fail in time. I’m getting sick of going to confession and saying the same things over and over. I feel like a hypocrite and a liar. I do pray about accepting it and for grace to handle it but…

Any thoughts on what else to do? I love God and want to be a good christian, but this keeps pulling me off course. I know I’m not the only person here in this situation.
Click to expand...
Peace of Christ be with you.

Check with Catholic Charities in your area see if they offer counseling.

A lot of their programs work on a sliding scale if you cant afford traditional pricing.
 
Fallen1 said:
My heart and prayers go out to you. I can sypathsize and commiserate. Do keep praying, and do not be scandalized when you fall. Get up, and run to the Cross. Remember - and I say this as much to remind myself as I suffer - the one place we can ALWAYS find Christ is at the Cross. And He’s there because he chose to be out of love, His love for you, a love that burns within Him even as He knows everything about you (and about me, about each of us) including our sins.

Keep loving your wife - pray for wisdom and patience. Pray that you can love her in the dimension of the Cross. That’s the love that spills forth with no expectation for anything in return - the pure love that Jesus has for each of us. The love that we each look for, but in all the wrong places. There probably is “something” (but not you) that causes your wife to withdraw or not engage in making love - and it likely has nothing to do with a desire to “be cruel” or withhold on some “marital obligation” or any of those great textbook truths that don’t solve the living, practical issue that confronts you and the love of your life.

Your post speaks to me - and I’m new to this. My wife and I are coming up on our 23rd wedding anniversary. I wish I could tell you we have a stellar and perfect Christian marriage and here’s how you can do it too. But sadly our union is emptier and colder than most, and to yor predicament, we have not made love to each other 23 times in our 23 years of marriage because, though young and blessed with robust health, my wife too simply has no interest or desire to engage in any physical intimacy with me.

We were each other’s “first”, and dated for many years before marrying, so we thought we were “prepared,” but I was crushed when, after we consumated our marriage on our wedding night, I could not interest her in making love again until some 8 or 9 months later! Needless to say, the frequency only dropped off after the honeymoon. I figured there was something horribly wrong with me that my wife had no interest in me, actually avoided me and my touch. Virtually all physical contact - hugging, kissing, stopped. I know I should not be so proud and vain, but my ego was so hurt at being constantly rejected by my wife - at not being able to “get lucky” with my own spouse - that I eventually stopped trying, opting for longer hours in the office, and taking the affirmation of job satisfaction and a bigger check. I had, and still have, no interest in any other woman, and no interest in divorce. As best as I know, she has not strayed either. But I was too proud to admit to ANYONE that I was having this issue - this “problem” - at home, so I avoided it, and it simply festered.

I did go to medical doctors, all of whom said I was physically and mentally fine. I saw counselors and tried to learn how to communicate better, which helped me to hear my wife clearly say “I don’t have any interest in sex, and think you are a pig for wanting it so much. I can’t believe you are keeping count of how often we engage in it. Grow up!” So I quit asking, as it clearly was not something she enjoyed doing or being asked to do.

I knew, and still know, she loved me, and I her, but the lack of intimacy did take it’s toll, as did the long hours in the office, and we have grown apart to where she now is bitter and tells me she “doesn’t know who I am”, because of bad acts I’ve committed due to temptations to which I gave in (porn). I, for my part, withdrew like the immature “boy”, and my heart hardened towards her to where I was not honoring her with the affection and thoughtfulness she deserved and was entitled to as my spouse and lover.

As mentioned above, though it had never interested or tempted me, a few years ago, when in my mid-40s, I discovered on-line porn, and became hooked. And the disgusting “M” was a natural consequence - and I was all the more scandalized and ashamed at what I’d become. I couldn’t interest my own wife in making love for the life of me, but I surfed the net and satisfied myself. Gross. Naturally, though I “hid” this “second life”, she eventually discovered it, and it disgusted her to the point that she moved out of our bedroom and avoids allowing me to see her in any state of undress (which ironically helped since I was avoiding her beauty as it had become a frustration anyway). But you see how unhealthy this whole vicious cycle - spiral really - is.

Her discovery of the porn was a low point in my life, and in our relationship, and unbelievably (since I didn’t think we could make love less frequently) in our sex life. But I pray it is also a turning point. I admit that most days things are absolutely awful right now. We can no longer even speak civilly most of the time because she “hates me.” I find that I have feelings of resentment at the lack of intimacy even though I realize I’ve caused the problem, or made it worse. And, as if it were not bad enough, I recently suffered a “freak” spinal injury that has left me with a permanent state of alternating persistent pain and numbness in one hand. This injury actually is what caused the resentment because now, even if she would let me hold her and touch her, my ability to “feel” her and enjoy the warmth and softness of her body is diminished and going away. But the reason it is a turning point is because we have discovered something - something terrible, but that has needed to be known so that healing could begin: my wife has, for the first time, begun to remember that she was sexually abused as a young child. This is devastating, and breaks my heart that she was subjected to such monstrous treatment. But it also sheds light on why our sex life and intimacy unfolded as it did. And it made me see how my pride and unwillingness to go for help in that first week, or first month or even first year or couple of years of marriage was a terrible injustice to my wife and our marriage. That I had projected what our married sex life should be like - and would not accept or face reality when it did not meet expectations due to pure pride was a grave sin.

I can whine and feel sorry for us both about how we’ve never made love on Valentine’s, our birthday’s, our anniversary, New Year’s Eve or any of the times I thought would be festive and natural times we’d be together and able to enjoy each other. I love her, and know she’s a wonderful woman of great faith. And of course I think she’s stunningly beautiful, though I find my self avoiding looking at her since I know I cannot touch her or be intimate, so her beauty is as often a source of temptation and misery as it is joy. But feeling sorry for myself is not love for her. Rather, I am beginning to see how I do not love - had no idea how to love. And that God is giving my wife and I an opportunity to see that our marriage - and our struggles to be intimate - and our being together, is no mistake. It’s perfect, and can and will be a source of happiness for each of us. But more importantly, it is helping us to see that our happiness is not in each other, but in God first. Courage, brother. This one is tough! Pray for me -
Click to expand...
GOD BLESS YOU !
You are inspiring .
 
gibbs said:
My wife and I have been married for over 20 years. Long story short: She has no desire for sex (yes we do love each other). we did have it a little bit when we first got married but quickly weeks in between turned into months turned into years etc… I can’t remember the last time. I did all the things you read about in “sexless marriage” threads, talking, being more romantic/helpful, prof-help etc…long ago. She’s always been up front about not wanting sex and being happy with the situation so it was all for naught. I even battled (and won) the “I hate this, I want out” internal struggle. I’ve long since gotten used to the dead feeling inside when I think about never having physical intimacy. But I am human and do have the desire (still alive everywhere else). Problem is it leads me into mental fantasy’s that are sinful or worse eventually the big “M”. I fight it but inevitably fail in time. I’m getting sick of going to confession and saying the same things over and over. I feel like a hypocrite and a liar. I do pray about accepting it and for grace to handle it but…

Any thoughts on what else to do? I love God and want to be a good christian, but this keeps pulling me off course. I know I’m not the only person here in this situation.
Click to expand...
Gibbs.
I have just said an " Our Father " for you.

If the recent Catholic priest sex scandals have taught us anything it is this :

If you try to deny who you are for whatever reason ( no matter what good intended and/or righteously reasoned you may apparently be ) and don’t deal with it ,it WILL come out in some other way.

I don’t feel that as Catholics and fellow human beings,any of us on this board want you to suffer.

So ,you must express your feelings.

Perhaps if you could,tell us what your wife and local priests verbal response was to your problem and someone with some wisdom and expertise in this area could guide your next step.

By the way folks
how about speaking directly to member Gibbs and his problem and not raking his wife across coals.
I’m sure seeing his wife maligned over and over again in print is not adding anything to his souls search for God’s answer

Holy Spirit , make haste and submit The Lords guidance to Gibbs

Good luck
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top