Controling sexual desire in sexless marriage

[emilybarrassed]

I struggle with the same issue although my situation is a bit different. For one, I’m the wife and it is my husband who does not want sex in our marriage…not just now but for our entire marriage. We are going on 13 years of marriage. We’ve had sex maybe 25 times or less…ever. Many years pass with zero. It’s been over 3 years since we’ve had sex and there have been many other period of years with none, throughout our marriage. We are both only 34. I think he has a Madonna Whore thing going on. He was all over me when we were dating and I had to constantly hold him back but as soon as he proposed, he stopped wanting me physically. I was so confused but then he promised me that it was b/c he wanted to wait for marriage to peruse me physically again. That was great news for me as I felt the same way! But wedding night came and he did not even want to consummate the marriage! Newlyweds and nothing…he was not interested and acted confused that I even cared. What? Crazy. I have been nothing but 100% open and honest with him about how this has devastated me. I’ve tried pretty much every angle with the help of countless therapists. We have gone to marriage counseling over and over again. Nothing helps. The only way he wants to have sex if it’s “bad”, like someone might walk in on us. To settle his own physical needs, he relieves himself with the help of pornography. After about 7 or 8 years of this, he eventually began having ED when he would reluctantly try to have sex with me. Somehow I managed to convince him to have sex with me enough to have 3 children. The last one was especially hard with the ED in the picture. I have always wanted a big family and he knew this and agreed. Not having more has been really hard for me to accept. He always tells me he will change and he will work on it but nothing ever changes. He has grown much stronger in his Catholic faith over the recent years and no longer watches porn. But still no change in our relationship. I just feel so frustrated…this is not the marriage or life that I signed up for. I do love him and I do want to be married to him. He is a great friend and a great parent. It makes it even harder to accept that we are missing intimacy in our marriage as I do want it. FWIW, I do keep up my looks/body so I don’t think that’s a factor in why he doesn’t want me physically.

 

[clem456]

The only way he wants to have sex if it’s “bad”, like someone might walk in on us. To settle his own physical needs, he relieves himself with the help of pornography. After about 7 or 8 years of this, he eventually began having ED when he would reluctantly try to have sex with me. .

It takes a long time to break free of the problems associated with pornography.

 

[emilybarrassed]

It takes a long time to break free of the problems associated with pornography.

Yeah. His problems are so far beyond just that. It feels so hopeless that I will never have a normal marriage.

 

[clem456]

Yeah. His problems are so far beyond just that. It feels so hopeless that I will never have a normal marriage.

But it’s not much different than being addicted to heroin and alcohol. The first thing is to get sober and stay sober. And then slowly solve the underlying problems. It takes a long time, and the longer he is sober from porn, the more issues will be brought to his attention to be worked on. Objectification, emotional numbness (ED), pride, anger, isolation, shame.

 

[emilybarrassed]

But it’s not much different than being addicted to heroin and alcohol. The first thing is to get sober and stay sober. And then slowly solve the underlying problems. It takes a long time, and the longer he is sober from porn, the more issues will be brought to his attention to be worked on. Objectification, emotional numbness (ED), pride, anger, isolation, shame.

I don’t think it’s an addiction for him and if it is, it’s still only a side effect of the larger issue. He only looked at porn b/c he doesn’t want to have sex with me and had his own physical needs. Even without the porn, he still doesn’t want to have sex with me. His whole view of sex is completely warped and over a decade of therapy has made no difference. He was told his whole childhood that sex is bad and now he only associates sex with bad. I am his wife and I am good…so for him, the two do not mix.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

I don’t think it’s an addiction for him and if it is, it’s still only a side effect of the larger issue. He only looked at porn b/c he doesn’t want to have sex with me and had his own physical needs. Even without the porn, he still doesn’t want to have sex with me. His whole view of sex is completely warped and over a decade of therapy has made no difference. He was told his whole childhood that sex is bad and now he only associates sex with bad. I am his wife and I am good…so for him, the two do not mix.

Honestly, it sounds like he was indoctrinated with this stuff from childhood and it will be very difficult to beat this out of him. I will pray for your situation, and I hope you or others can convince him of the truth about the beauty of sex.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I don’t think it’s an addiction for him and if it is, it’s still only a side effect of the larger issue. He only looked at porn b/c he doesn’t want to have sex with me and had his own physical needs. Even without the porn, he still doesn’t want to have sex with me. His whole view of sex is completely warped and over a decade of therapy has made no difference. He was told his whole childhood that sex is bad and now he only associates sex with bad. I am his wife and I am good…so for him, the two do not mix.

No I don’t think this is true. If he has been using porn since he was a teen, which is common among men, then it will have affected him greatly by now. He may think that he only uses porn and masturbation as a substitute but it has by now replaced any positive view of sex that he might have had, before porn.

He needs to get a therapist who is familiar with this issue. And perhaps other sexual issues.

 

[emilybarrassed]

Honestly, it sounds like he was indoctrinated with this stuff from childhood and it will be very difficult to beat this out of him. I will pray for your situation, and I hope you or others can convince him of the truth about the beauty of sex.

Thank you. I really appreciate any prayers you can give. He says that he does believe the truth about the beauty of sex but he does not know how to make it a reality for us.

 

[emilybarrassed]

No I don’t think this is true. If he has been using porn since he was a teen, which is common among men, then it will have affected him greatly by now. He may think that he only uses porn and masturbation as a substitute but it has by now replaced any positive view of sex that he might have had, before porn.

He needs to get a therapist who is familiar with this issue. And perhaps other sexual issues.

Are you familiar with Madonna Whore Complex? Porn could not have “replaced” any positive view of sex because he has never had one to begin with. He was raised in a very messed up Protestant borderline-cult that was extremely anti-Catholic. His mother ended up in a mental hospital over their religious spousal disagreement. She was in the mental hospital during some of my husband’s most formative years leaving him feeling abandoned by her as they had previously been very close. He has deep seeded issues about sex that I had no idea about until after we were married. I do not intend to diminish the consequences of pornography but I do believe it’s a symptom and not the cause. He’s never been super into it like an addict would be although I am sure any amount he has exposed himself to has effected him greatly. He has been in therapy but so far, no one has been very helpful. It’s hard to find someone who specializes in this. In fact, I had to figure it out on my own after years of marriage counseling. We have even been to a sex therapist and she did not help either. He currently has an appointment for counseling with our Priest.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

Thank you. I really appreciate any prayers you can give. He says that he does believe the truth about the beauty of sex but he does not know how to make it a reality for us.

Well, part of realizing the beauty of something is to experience it. I can tell you all day about the beauty of Japan during the Cherry Blossom Festival, but you’ll never be able to fully appreciate it until you experience it. So for me the answer is to have sex more often so he can realize the beauty of it, rather than avoid it at all costs. My suggestion may be flawed so please do not get angry if it is. This is just what I thought of.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Are you familiar with Madonna Whore Complex? Porn could not have “replaced” any positive view of sex because he has never had one to begin with. He was raised in a very messed up Protestant borderline-cult that was extremely anti-Catholic. His mother ended up in a mental hospital over their religious spousal disagreement. She was in the mental hospital during some of my husband’s most formative years leaving him feeling abandoned by her as they had previously been very close. He has deep seeded issues about sex that I had no idea about until after we were married. I do not intend to diminish the consequences of pornography but I do believe it’s a symptom and not the cause. He’s never been super into it like an addict would be although I am sure any amount he has exposed himself to has effected him greatly. He has been in therapy but so far, no one has been very helpful. It’s hard to find someone who specializes in this. In fact, I had to figure it out on my own after years of marriage counseling. We have even been to a sex therapist and she did not help either. He currently has an appointment for counseling with our Priest.

I will add you and your husband to my prayers. I hope that the priest can help.

 

[clem456]

Well, part of realizing the beauty of something is to experience it. I can tell you all day about the beauty of Japan during the Cherry Blossom Festival, but you’ll never be able to fully appreciate it until you experience it. So for me the answer is to have sex more often so he can realize the beauty of it, rather than avoid it at all costs. My suggestion may be flawed so please do not get angry if it is. This is just what I thought of.

In my experience this approach does not work. If the experience is negative, adding “effort” and frequency to the endeavor will lead to negative consequences. Sex can be worked on, but there is no sense repeating negative experiences. Rather, sometimes less is more.

We focused on intimacy. Since we are on a Catholic forum and I am not a counselor, I will say that for us, this begins with prayer together. Prayer is very intimate. It can be petitional prayer, where each can hear the heart’s desires of the other spoken together to God. It can also be a rosary, which takes time (patience builder). In these situations you are just “being” together without the repeated struggle to have sex. Sex begins with just “being” together.

In my experience, every time we got together for sex there was an immediate anxiety on my part, and to a lesse extent on my wife’s part, she was anxious because I was anxious. I was thinking about the challenges and negativity to be overcome in the next few minutes. It wasn’t until we set the idea of sex aside that things began to improve. I had to give up my deisre for sexual satisfaction, and be thankful to God and my wife for just being together, for praying together, talking (aaarghhh agony), holding one another and talking, and being thankful to God… -just for that-. Expectations make sex difficult. It is a gift from God, I had to learn to appreciate “us” (me, my wife, and God) right where we are.

Being close together in various states of basic prayerful, emotional, and physical intimacy may awaken the desire. Without getting into too many details, being close without having sex, but appreciating the activities that lead up to it, can become irresistible and nature may take it’s own course. Took a lot of patience for us. A lot of acceptance that I couldn’t have the whole ball of wax just cause I wanted it.
Anyway, I am really embarrassed but hey, no one knows me here, so NP. I hope our experience helps. The internet is great.

 

[bdrjavlin]

First I want to thank everyone for the numerous postings. This is a place to discuss things where the embarassment would be too great in discussion with local priest. I’ll make a very long story short, I went through all the posts and finally found one that closely reflects my situation.

I am very thankful for everyones comments. I truly believe now my wife had child abuse, her parents were both verbilbly obusive to each other in their marriage and my wife now has health issues but earlier did not and refused me my advances. Since 11 days ago I have now come back to Catholism deeply and reading these posts has helped me very much.

I think I understand this now is the cross I have to bear and with prayer and prayer with my wife maybe things will change. But what if a wife is medically unable to enjoy the embraces of her husband… Is he to bear that cross of abtisence (sp) then?

 

[Roger1]

First I want to thank everyone for the numerous postings. This is a place to discuss things where the embarassment would be too great in discussion with local priest. I’ll make a very long story short, I went through all the posts and finally found one that closely reflects my situation.

I am very thankful for everyones comments. I truly believe now my wife had child abuse, her parents were both verbilbly obusive to each other in their marriage and my wife now has health issues but earlier did not and refused me my advances. Since 11 days ago I have now come back to Catholism deeply and reading these posts has helped me very much.

I think I understand this now is the cross I have to bear and with prayer and prayer with my wife maybe things will change. But what if a wife is medically unable to enjoy the embraces of her husband… Is he to bear that cross of abtisence (sp) then?

Javlin,
For a spouse to be in a sexless marriage with someone with no desire(for whatever reason) for the marital embrace it is a cross to bear and it can be carried with the Grace of the Holy Ghost, even in our human condition.
Try these and other suggestions from people who respond.

• You may try sleeping in another bedroom. If your wife is not interested in intimacy this should be no big deal.
• As you go to sleep in the evening say the Rosary or read from one of the dozens of applications on your smartphones to fall asleep. If you can say the Rosary every night it might take your mind off the physical relationship with your wife in about 6 - 12mos. depending on your age. As a man the closer you get to your mid to late 40’s the easier it will be.
• If you are blessed with the burden of physical desire being lifted from you. You will be amazed how liberating it is.
• Even though your wife probably destroyed the passion and desire in your marriage don’t sweat it, the Lord calls us to offer it up as does our Lady of Fatima.
• This is a time of heroic virtue that God is offering to you. In Heaven there is not marriage.
• Go to Confession at least monthly. Our Lady of Fatima asks us to go to Mass and Confession on the First Saturday of each month. Even if you do not have a serious sin going to Confession gives us untold Graces.
  Your wife probably thinks she needs more space to herself, so give it to her. Instead of worrying about her so much spend more time in your reading and relationship with our Lord and your children of course. The stronger husband you are in your relationship with God the better you may be able to circle back around help your wife in her relationship with God.
• Things like this in life are not a curse but a caress from God to focus on our relationship with Him. He knows how best to guide those who have open hearts, to eternal life with Him.

 

[LittleConvert]

I want to thank many of the posters to this thread that responded with words of compassion and wisdom. There are so many aspects to a marriage relationship and all of it can affect sexual intimacy, whether for good or bad. We just don’t know what people are struggling with and should try to be as charitable as possible.

I am one of those wives who is finding it tremendously difficult to be intimate with my husband. It wasn’t always this way…at the beginning I was actually the one who had a greater desire. I was often refused - HE had to be the one to initiate it or it didn’t happen. For years I made sure I was always happily available to him, whenever he wanted it. However, years of constant emotional abuse (with some incidences of physical and sexual abuse) gradually led me to become more and more distant from him. The abuse was serious – it led to major depression and I spent years on medication simply trying to withstand the horrors of our home life (thinking, of course, it was “all my fault”). Recently we even physically separated, during which time we both got intense counseling (together and individually).

My emotional withdraw from him naturally has spilled over to physical relationship as well. We were THIS close to getting a divorce, but for the sake of our young children we are trying to make it work. I love him, but I have no actual feelings for him. I hate that it is this way…I would LOVE to have a happy, close marriage where I have good feelings toward him, but at this point I just don’t. I try to “love” him in the way of Jesus and make many sacrifices for him, but when it comes to being sexually intimate I just…can’t do it. It feels so wrong…I feel very used. I think a large part of it has to do with the fact that although he has stopped most all of his abusive behaviors, he still treats me poorly when it comes to respecting my body and personal boundaries. For instance, instead of a tender shoulder rub he’ll simply grab my private parts and say really crude, perverse things. It is so hard to “warm up” to him when he treats me this way. And of course he’s constantly reminding me about my “marital duty” and blaming me for his unkind treatment…

I don’t want to be in sin because of refusing him his “right.” But I’d like to think that God is more tender than my husband and that this situation isn’t as simple as “just have sex with him and give him what he is obligated to have.” I don’t think that’s what the full expression of the marital relationship is about… That’s certainly not what I get from reading John Paul II, anyhow.

Anyway, I just wanted to remind people that there is often more than meets the eye to situations like these. I really appreciate the people who see that and offered hope rather than condemnation. Thank you.

 

[lonelywife]

I, too, am in a sexless marriage. I wish there was something I could do to change the lack of intimacy. We have children (adopted 6 yrs ago), and it seems as though once we adopted (as we were unable to convceive) he lost all interest. I don’t know why he stopped wanting sex. He refuses to acknowlege that he may have a problem. We have discussed it. I have let him know how much I need his physical presence, but he doesn’t respond. I have tried initiating, but am rebuffed or ignored. I try other forms of intimacy, but he rejects it. He just isn’t interested. (He is not having an affair either)

My problem is similar to the men who have posted. I still have desire, which builds over several months. In seeking relief, (m) which is brief, I sin. I confess time after time, only to shame myself again. I pray, I meditate, I try exercise, yet I find the stress too much and give in because otherwise my mind constantly goes to lewd thoughts. I feel so ashamed. I wish this were not a mortal sin. Over the years, I have turned to food, and now have a weight problem. (my weight was not an issue when this started) The lack of sexual intimacy has caused our marital bonds to weaken. I pray for him every day. I feel lonely, and, at times, unloved, uncherished, and abandoned. He is is good father, provider, and otherwise a good husband. I really miss this intimacy and my marriage feels somewhat empty.

I appreciate the comments here. I am going to try to consider it my cross to bear. I am going to try looking at the crucifix and squeeze the desire out of my body. I was hoping for guidance here and I guess there really aren’t any answers except to bear the burden as best I can.
Thanks
lonelywife

 

[bdrjavlin]

Hang in there. As the male in a very similar situation but ‘past’ the age of conceiving, i have encounted pray and study and lasted two weeks. Then it has been ‘m’ every couple days due to desire. I do look at pretty pictures of my wife to replace the her lack of actual intimacy settling for that as I work to try and understand her feelings. But it is what it is and I know she will not chance, nor has a desire to. Perhaps in the future she’ll realize but usually something very dramatic has to happen for most people to lean towards changing, otherwise their personality is set.

So… instead of porn and visiting ‘massage’ places… i’m viewing my wifes pictures and dreaming of past great times… We’ll see how that proceeds in the short future, but I really know the answer already. And I’m really working on being a better Catholic in every other way. Turn the lust urge into positive soul love for the partner is my thinking on handling this for the immediate future. Thanks for your post

 

[JDSinSA]

I am a sufferer as well. It is exceedingly difficult.

It definitely needs to be preached from the pulpit more about the obligations in marriage. Here is one priest who did a marvelous job here starting at the 20 minute mark:
audiosancto.org/sermon/20110130-Marriage-part-3-The-Necessary-Purpose-of-Marriage-in-Society-Physical-Terms.html

and here:
audiosancto.org/sermon/20120212-The-Sanctity-of-Marriage-The-Duty-of-Motherhood-Versus-the-Abuses-of-NFP.html

They are long, but completely worth the listen.

 

[Adamski]

For a year I went through this what kept me sain I thinking of what priests and nuns do for a life time

 

[MrsMacaron]

I don’t think even the OP would want to have sex with his wife if she were just doing it to “fulfill her duty”.

A sexual relationship within marriage is an important thing- it’s a matter of mental, emotional, and physical closeness. To deny your spouse that feeling of closeness is indeed cruel.

When I’m not in the mood, I’m STILL intimate with my husband. Not out of obligation, not in order to “check off” my “good wife duties” for the day, but because I am honored that my husband wants to be close to me; as close as two human beings can possibly get. Even when I’m not physically interested, an emotional need of MINE is fulfilled because I engaged anyway. My consent, even when I’m not “feeling it”, isn’t an act of martyrdom, it’s an act of pure love for my husband who wants and needs that physical feeling of closeness to me. My marriage isn’t all about me, it’s about us, and just like I expect my husband to sacrifice sometimes for the sake of our marriage, I do as well.

Thank you for the reminder!

As I’ve been combing the forums for my “dilemma” I’ve come across many others who are in tougher positions. I’ll keep you in my prayers Gibbs, Fallen 1 and the other posters that are struggling. Since I haven’t been married for too long…The only advice or foresight I can offer is; Communication…just keep the channels open. Also, what other posters have said {the good & genuine ones} about prayer, counseling and speaking with a good Priest is wonderful!
Perhaps you can direct your Wive’s to CAnswers for community or something …“sell” the idea to them in the way they need it and maybe they’ll venture into that very problem you are trying to solve?!

:blush:If someone can direct me to the thread about finding libido after miscarriage/seeing Doc’s etc …That’d be very helpful.