Controling sexual desire in sexless marriage

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My husband and I haven’t had sex in over 10 years and he rarely kisses me or holds my hand or shows any other form of physical affection. We’ve been married nearly 29 years and I do love him and he says he loves me. I’ve literally begged him for affection and it didn’t help at all. Now it’s been so long I no longer want sex I’m just starved for affection. We have no children but several pets and that helps a little to have their love and attention. I hope your wife at least gives you some physical affection. I still love my husband but more as a friend not as a wife because I’m not really a wife. We are good friends though and that is why we are still together. I’m praying for you because I know firsthand how hard it is. It’s not just the lack of sex - it’s the feeling of rejection. It’s very painful I know. As others have posted try to find someone to talk to about this. God Bless.
 
lonelywife said:
I, too, am in a sexless marriage. I wish there was something I could do to change the lack of intimacy. We have children (adopted 6 yrs ago), and it seems as though once we adopted (as we were unable to convceive) he lost all interest. I don’t know why he stopped wanting sex. He refuses to acknowlege that he may have a problem. We have discussed it. I have let him know how much I need his physical presence, but he doesn’t respond. I have tried initiating, but am rebuffed or ignored. I try other forms of intimacy, but he rejects it. He just isn’t interested. (He is not having an affair either)

My problem is similar to the men who have posted. I still have desire, which builds over several months. In seeking relief, (m) which is brief, I sin. I confess time after time, only to shame myself again. I pray, I meditate, I try exercise, yet I find the stress too much and give in because otherwise my mind constantly goes to lewd thoughts. I feel so ashamed. I wish this were not a mortal sin. Over the years, I have turned to food, and now have a weight problem. (my weight was not an issue when this started) The lack of sexual intimacy has caused our marital bonds to weaken. I pray for him every day. I feel lonely, and, at times, unloved, uncherished, and abandoned. He is is good father, provider, and otherwise a good husband. I really miss this intimacy and my marriage feels somewhat empty.

I appreciate the comments here. I am going to try to consider it my cross to bear. I am going to try looking at the crucifix and squeeze the desire out of my body. I was hoping for guidance here and I guess there really aren’t any answers except to bear the burden as best I can.
Thanks
lonelywife
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I’m somewhat in your shoes - I found that the prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi helped - “not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love” it’s very hard I know. It’s been over 10 years for me. Also, even though my husband doesn’t kiss or hug me I try to kiss and hug him and pat his arm or squeeze his hand. I get a little physical touch and it helps me. Also, for a time I slept with a small teddy bear! Ha! At the time it helped too. I feel for you deeply - It hurts to be rejected and ignored as a proper wife.
 
gibbs said:
You and the previous poster are absolutely right. Other than the time early in our marriage when my wife and I went to marriage counseling I have never confided in anyone about this problem. Too humiliating to look at a friend, priest etc… and describe it. It’s been more like a dark secret you have to keep hidden from others. The anonymity of this forum has made it possible. Just hearing the words of help, concern, prayer has helped. Especially the promises of prayer, It’s the one ability God has given us that should be in the category of superpower. I wouldn’t have made it this far without it.

to answer some of the questions in the multiple posts… no children unfortunately but that shouldn’t be surprising and yes My wife and I still love each other. If we didn’t, the marriage would have failed a long time ago sex or no sex.

that being said, many of the posts have reduced sex to duty or obligation or like an itch that needs to be scratched. I don’t see it as that one dimensional or utilitarian and I suspect a lot of others here don’t either. I do see it as the church teaches in that it is a unifying act between the couple that draws them closer and into deeper intimacy. That moment when you are giving yourselves to each other, wrapped in each others arms and the world just melts away. That’s what I want with my wife. It saddens me that we will go through our lives/marriage together never experiencing that in the way would could have. But I do know love and marriage are much more and that is why I believe in our love and why we are still together. But the struggle with the desire and this cross to bear is difficult and why I’m looking for a way through it.
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I would be interested in how you define “love” here. Most if not all women go through periods of not being all that thrilled with physical intimacy. If we love our spouse, some of us have errr pretended for our loved one’s sake. Like I once told another person most people think that “love” is a noun. It is actually a verb. It is what you do.

Annie
 
Jeremiah1278 said:
I’m guessing LaurenM60 is talking less about a quid pro quo scenario and more about how woman can become sexually uninterested in a man who has lost what we might term “his manliness.” She’s not supposed to be sexually interested in a man she feels has lost interest in caring for himself and what not.

It’s magical how God works like that. The symptom is the no sex thing. The problem/cause is that the man has lost his way. Doesn’t take care of himself, doesn’t communicate with his wife, is a hands-off parent. If a woman met such a man at a bar. “Hi, I obviously don’t take care of myself—indicating I’m a poor genetic mate—, my finances are in ruin because I don’t like to confront issues face on—indicating I’m a disaster waiting to happen—,and I feel you should be the only one doing the parenting—indicating I would be a terrible father to your children.” Would we expect her to feel any sense of attraction to him? At all?

It’s not that when you clean up after yourself, she is all, “okay, then you’ve earned the sex.” It’s more along the lines of: “Oh. I see you as a the self-sufficient, impressive, driven, Godly man who I wanted to father my babies. That’s hot to me.”

(I don’t think any of this is probably relevant to the original poster. Something sounds chronic about his wife’s libido.)
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Oh, wow Jeremiah. You said all that I wish I had said. All I could think when I read the person’s post is "oh gracious. Where does one start? You started and finished beautifully.

Annie
 
well NO shouldnt mean NO in a marriage , they should be making love and having children what god wants us to do , she is being selfish and shes a lucky woman he still there ,
 
glasgowman said:
well NO shouldnt mean NO in a marriage , they should be making love and having children what god wants us to do , she is being selfish and shes a lucky woman he still there ,
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Wow.
No always means no, in any language at any time. Having children against your will is called rape and slavery. And that is not “making love”.
 
Hi, I am truly sorry for your situation. I think you actually should talk to a priest about it, cause they are no doubt battling with the same thing - they don’t get any either.

I stumbled across this site - and it actually might help you - it’s really funny, but it does describe how there could be a higher purpose to all this, and you are actually on the right track. It is true, love is not all about sex, and there certainly can be sex without love. You have the best part - you have love, and that is priceless.

Hope this helps in some way?
godlikeproductions.com/forum1/message486439/pg1
 
It is a large cross to be married to someone with no desire for intimacy. But shaming or secular counselors are not going to help. The absence of desire for intimacy is very common in countries where faith and trust in the goodness of life is lost. What is needed is to regain a trust in God, and nature. If the goal is to bring back the intimacy make a commitment to focus on one or two things that you believe will help, and stay committed. For example if it comes up in discussion how fallen the world is, try avoiding these discussions. Or make a weekly commitment to spend time with friends living out the Christian faith.
 
Getting back to the OP, I have gone through a similar situation in my marriage. We both just turned 40, it has been about 10 years since we have had relations. There was some sort of past abuse that happened to her, this is an important factor to keep in mind. I too tried all the suggestions to fix the situation over the years. What has worked best for me is to simply give up on any expectation of future marital relations and enjoy the life we do have, which is great. At this point, after all of these years, any change is going to have to come from her. I found that dwelling on it made me miserable (relatively) as well as her and left me open to temptations. Letting go allows me to be free and to love her as my wife, free of any form of resentment or feeling of “missing out”. We still go out on “dates” we still are saving for that tropical vacation and a vacation to Italy, our marriage isn’t ruined or some sort of sad failure.

Oops! Just realized that is was an old thread. Anyway the advice above is for those who have been dealing with a sexless marriage for many years where non of the advice has seemed to help.
 
I don’t mean to “hijack” this thread but reading these posts has at least shown me that I’m not alone. My wife and I have been married for 20 years and have 3 kids between 8 and 15. My wife has clearly told me she no longer is “in love” with me althought she says she still loves me (I didnt know there was a difference). It has been over 3 years since there has been ANY intimacy or affection and unbeknownst to me (until about 2 years ago) she was having an affair for the first year of that time. I have tried to forgive - but her lack of remorse makes it difficult. She actually said that “God wants me to be happy and so I did what I needed to do to be happy.” I’m sorry, was there an 11th commandment that reads “of course, if you’d be happier NOT following the aforementioned commandments, just go ahead and do what you want” I dont know what to do. She has said that she knows this situation is not optimal but she is “doing the best she can” to keep things stable for our kids. I’ve prayed and prayed and in the middle, even lost (or misplaced) my faith for a time and now I’ve returned to praying. We are respectful to each other. We go out together and spend time together but there is no intimacy. My children are stable and happy and my wife and I are loving and affectionate to them but they have to notice that mom and dad never hug each other. Any thoughts??? I’m open to suggestions.
 
atticus5150 said:
I don’t mean to “hijack” this thread but reading these posts has at least shown me that I’m not alone. My wife and I have been married for 20 years and have 3 kids between 8 and 15. My wife has clearly told me she no longer is “in love” with me althought she says she still loves me (I didnt know there was a difference). It has been over 3 years since there has been ANY intimacy or affection and unbeknownst to me (until about 2 years ago) she was having an affair for the first year of that time. I have tried to forgive - but her lack of remorse makes it difficult. She actually said that “God wants me to be happy and so I did what I needed to do to be happy.” I’m sorry, was there an 11th commandment that reads “of course, if you’d be happier NOT following the aforementioned commandments, just go ahead and do what you want” I dont know what to do. She has said that she knows this situation is not optimal but she is “doing the best she can” to keep things stable for our kids. I’ve prayed and prayed and in the middle, even lost (or misplaced) my faith for a time and now I’ve returned to praying. We are respectful to each other. We go out together and spend time together but there is no intimacy. My children are stable and happy and my wife and I are loving and affectionate to them but they have to notice that mom and dad never hug each other. Any thoughts??? I’m open to suggestions.
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Well your situation is different from a mis-matched sexual drive. You’re dealing with infidelity and its fallouts. Is your wife still having an affair? Is she willing to go to counseling with you? Does she have any remorse whatsoever? Why does she say she is staying with you? Doing it for the kids’ sake doesn’t seem to work very well if there’s no regret or remorse - why would she give up being “happy” just to stay with you?
 
Hi RealJuliane, No, my wife is no longer having an affair - she says she isnt and I believe her. When I found out (I saw an email which still haunts me) she said she didnt think I would care. Well, if so, why had she fel t the need to keep it a secret for a year? When I found out and told her I wanted her to stop, she basically told me the “God wants me to be happy” line and kept right on going. Of course, it fizzled out a couple months later (as they usually do) - so that was early 2011. But I digress…I really have no idea what is in her mind or her heart and when I ask or want to talk about it, I later feel that I’m sorry I asked - one can only take so much rejection. She seems to have become almost robotic in this. I know this is only my view through my own heavily-biased eyes but it seems to me that she feels she is “right” in all of this and to behave otherwise, would be admitting she is not right. I freely admit I was not the perfect husband and have said so and said I was sorry (and meant it 100%). I realize that over the course of a marriage we all fall into and out of love with our spouses but there is usually a pool of “emotional equity” that allows us to keep going. It seems that her pool has been drained. So here I am, a man who is still in love with his wife, and still desires her, but who has been denied any affection, intimacy, or closeness for 3+ years - which is about how long it’s been since I’ve had a decent night’s sleep.
 
Gibbs,
I am sorry for taking this thread into my own direction. I feel for you and I empathize. I have no answers for you as much as I have no answers for myself. I do have this recurring thought and sometimes it gives me courage: we all have our burdens to bear and none of us asked for it. Even Christ, when he prayed the night before his own crucifiction asked that the “this cup be taken from me”. I don’t know what God’s plan is for me - none of us do. Maybe his plan is for me to be the strength that my family needs to stay together and to endure. I love my wife. I am attracted to my wife. I am a sexual being in a marriage where sex is not available. Turning away from sin (yes, I mean the m-word) is turning TOWARD God. Is it easy? No. Are any of us perfect? No. Will we fail from time to time? Yes. As they say, take it one day at a time. You only need to get past the next five minutes, and then the next five…God Bless You.
 
atticus5150 said:
Hi RealJuliane, No, my wife is no longer having an affair - she says she isnt and I believe her. When I found out (I saw an email which still haunts me) she said she didnt think I would care. Well, if so, why had she fel t the need to keep it a secret for a year? When I found out and told her I wanted her to stop, she basically told me the “God wants me to be happy” line and kept right on going. Of course, it fizzled out a couple months later (as they usually do) - so that was early 2011. But I digress…I really have no idea what is in her mind or her heart and when I ask or want to talk about it, I later feel that I’m sorry I asked - one can only take so much rejection. She seems to have become almost robotic in this. I know this is only my view through my own heavily-biased eyes but it seems to me that she feels she is “right” in all of this and to behave otherwise, would be admitting she is not right. I freely admit I was not the perfect husband and have said so and said I was sorry (and meant it 100%). I realize that over the course of a marriage we all fall into and out of love with our spouses but there is usually a pool of “emotional equity” that allows us to keep going. It seems that her pool has been drained. So here I am, a man who is still in love with his wife, and still desires her, but who has been denied any affection, intimacy, or closeness for 3+ years - which is about how long it’s been since I’ve had a decent night’s sleep.
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You will be in my prayers. So would she consider counseling? Is she really going to spend the next however-many years left in your joint life without sexual intimacy?

Don’t guess how she feels, “It seems to me…” Ask her what she wants to do for the next X years. How about Retrouvaille?
 
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