Convalidation Customs?

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Tiffse

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Are there any important norms/traditions for when you’re having your marriage convalidated? For instance, is it appropriate to wear your original wedding dress? If you wrote your vows when you got married, is it appropriate to read them again at the convalidation? Is it customary to exchange new rings? Do you need to have a witness?

Any help would be appreciated!
 
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Tiffse:
…is it appropriate to wear your original wedding dress?
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Yeah, right!! More like, "if you can still fit in your original dress, do you get a free second honeymoon?
 
Heard that! The second hand information I have is that it is far less formal. Wearing Church clothes, maybe your closest friends/family. You might choose to have a meal or private family celebration after - but, it is not a second wedding…

May you have a wonderful day!
 
You are allowed to wear your wedding dress, I did. We also carried flowers. New ones since the others had died during the 11 years between. We invited parents, sisters, brothers and our maid of honor and best man. I think it was 12 people not counting my husband and me.
It was a Sunday evening in a chapel off the main church. The guests stood and sang and we walked in together. We had a short service and we were done. We then had dinner at our house with everyone and that was it.
There was more to the service then, “we had a short service,” but your priest will help with the readings and everything for the service.
 
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Here is what I wore to our validation ceremony last year. We had ours right before the Saturday evening Mass, with our parents and siblings in attendance. We bought a big basket of flowers and had them on the altar during the ceremony and then during the Mass. We then had a cookout for our family at our house. It was a really fun day!
 
We wore church clothes and had the ceremony before Mass. Our parents and my sister attended. It was very low key.
 
Island Oak:
Yeah, right!! More like, "if you can still fit in your original dress, do you get a free second honeymoon?
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      :rotfl:
We kept ours very low key. We wore normal church clothes and just my parents and his were there. Then we went out to dinner and that was it. The whole ceremony was like, 15 minutes? Very simple but nice too. 🙂
 
while it is discouraged, down here most couples seem to make a real deal out of the convalidation ceremony, with all the trappings of a wedding, including the particular Mexican customs like the lasso, coins, etc. This is because most of these civil marriages were very quiet, just in front of the judge with ordinary clothing, no witness, and often no reception or celebration. I guess they feel they are “owed” a real wedding. Since easily half the parents of children in CCD are not married in the Church, and we use this contact as an opportunity teach on marriage and the need for the sacrament, I guess the pastor and deacons are willing to go along with anything the couple wants, within reason.
 
From working with this sort of thing, I can tell you the best advice comes from Miss Manners: "The effect should be, ‘This time, we know what we’re doing,’ not ‘We got gypped last time.’ "

Most dioceses will say it should be low-key. In practice, it can be anything from what has been described here, to a full-blown affair.

If I can interject- I know you asked because you want to know. Too many people, even with a convalidation, worry more about what canapes to serve and what to wear than on inviting God to the ceremony.
 
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OutinChgoburbs:
Too many people, even with a convalidation, worry more about what canapes to serve and what to wear than on inviting God to the ceremony.
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The convalidation has been in the works for 4 years and I just started thinking about the ceremonial customs the other day even though its this Friday!

My husband is Catholic and I’m non-Catholic Christian. 11 years ago, we were living out of state and were married by a Minister. We wrote our own God-centered vows then and as far as I’m concerned, they still apply today. A few months after we wed, we planned to visit ‘home,’ have our marriage blessed by my husband’s favorite Priest from his youth, and have a big reception. We had the reception, but not the blessing because the Priest had ended up in prison. We didn’t talk about convalidation again for several years.

Then I was diagnosed with a chronic illness. My husband was wonderful. He was patient and kind and stepped up to house and child duty without complaining. He went out and got medicines and foods I was craving at all times. When I was in the hospital, he visited me every day and brought whatever I wanted even if it was a hassle. He would lay in bed with me, rub ‘relaxing’ aroma lotion on my back and read the Bible to me when I couldn’t leave my room. He would help me to visualize peace by telling stories about the Holy Spirit taking me down a river on a raft.

I was sick on and off for 3 years that first time. Unfortunately, it affected my mind and I had trouble being ‘connected’ to people including my husband. Plus, I had several medications that are known to diminish libido, which didn’t help. My husband and I would be driving in the car and I’d start crying because I felt so guilty about feeling so far away from him. I felt like he was a stranger. I just kept saying, “I’m so, so sorry I don’t feel the way about you that I should. But, please wait for me.” He’d say it was o.k. because he had enough love for the both of us.

I had heard of MEncounter when I was young from my Catholic friend’s parents. I got a very positive impression of it from them. I convinced my husband to go on a weekend and we had other counseling too. However, we continued to have problems. My husband started delving deep into Catholic doctrine/catechism/canon law and a few months after ME, he announced that we weren’t validly married, we had to have our marriage convalidated, and we must live as brother and sister until we do. I said we shouldn’t have it done, at that time, because we would probably be struck by lightening at the altar due to the way we were getting along. And then I got sick again.

When I got out of the hospital, I was sad, scared, lonely, and depressed. I asked if he could sleep in bed with me again. He did for a while, thank God. Then he said a Priest forbid him from taking the Eucharist as long as he was sleeping in the same bed with me [even though we still weren’t having marital relations. The thought never crossed my mind–I was again taking several medications which decrease libido]. It was very painful and I was devastated. I realized that my husband had to ask for forgiveness for and repent for all the times we had marital relations in the first 7 years of our marriage. The times that were so precious to me were mortal sins to the Church and my husband. I guess that means if anything would have happened to him in the first 7 years of our marriage, before he repented, he would have gone to hell for sleeping with me. This is seriously painful for me.

To make a long story even longer, my husband has finally agreed to have our marriage blessed this Friday. Our Deacon keeps saying it can be whatever we want. I left it up to my husband because I am already validly married to him. This needs to be what he needs for validity. It’s just me, my husband, and maybe our son before 8:30 am Mass. I was going to wear a plain dress and make a wrap out of some material from my wedding dress, but I thought I’d better check first. Since the Church doesn’t recognize our wedding, I thought it may be tacky, or worse yet, grounds for annulment if I wore my dress. I posted this question because I need to do EVERYTHING by the book so to speak. There are about 20 different grounds for annulment and I don’t want to do ANYTHING to invalidate the convalidation. (That’s a mouthful!!). I really need my husband to believe that we have God in our relationship. I really need to get back to a normal relationship with my husband after so many years of pain.

I have never posted such personal information before. Thanks for reading/listening! I think I just needed to get it all out before Friday. Please pray for us. I have to make sure that God is at the ceremony.
 
fantastic story, honey, if you were doing this in my parish I would tell you to go for it and have the ceremony of your dreams. you hit the nail on the head, you have to plan for the marriage, and what life together holds for you, not the wedding, and no matter how well you plan, God has another plan.
 
I apologize if I seemed rude. You DO have it right!!! I just encounter so many people (some in my own family) who see convalidation as a chance to get a “second” haul of gifts, or who see the civil ceremony as a tide-me-over until they can have the “real” thing but still have the benefits of marriage- which usually means a big bash following a five minute ceremony that they “hafta” have. I was reacting instead of listening.

Given all the stuff you’ve been through, and all the stuff your husband has been through, if you can fit in your dress, wear it!!! What you have planned, and your reasons for it (more important) seem to me to be of the purest motives. God bless, and let me go to one of my web sites for religious orders and have a Mass celebrated for you two: For your husband, for you, for the kids, for good health, and for your marriage.
 
Well, it was me, my husband, and our son with the Deacon before 8:30 am Friday morning Mass. There were a few parishoners we didn’t know in the sanctuary praying before Mass, but it was nice to have some witnesses. And I’m sure they said a prayer for us amidst their normal daily prayers. I wore a simple blouse and skirt with a lace scarf I cut from my wedding dress. My husband and son were in shirt and tie. My husband did the readings out of his new spiffy Bible I got him for his birthday, and our son held the rings while they were blessed. I gave my husband a crucifix for a ‘convalidation gift,’ and he had Father bless it. It was very moving for all of us.

Our son had to go to work after the ceremony, but my husband and I stayed for Mass and surprisingly enough, the daily Gospel reading was Jesus talking to the pharisees about marriage (Mathew 19:3-12) and so was Father’s homily!!

Fortunately, we were able to go away for the weekend. We stayed at a stunning 1890s victorian bed & breakfast, hiked in & around waterfalls and lakes, and lounged on the beach. The weather was absolutely perfect. We are so grateful that we finally achieved God’s plan of peace and serenity for us.

Truly, thank you to everyone for the info, prayers, and kind words. :angel1:
 
I read your story and truly it breaks my heart. We were all raised Catholic but my parents never had their marriage blessed by the Church. I would like to think that we (five children) are all legitimate children and that God was their for their marriage. My parents never had a “good” marriage. I truly believe good marriages come when both the husband and wife put Jesus at the center of their lives and work hard to be Christ-like with each other. My parents had a relationship with God and prayed daily but they were not devout Catholics. Their life is a long story too and I have to believe that God has forgiven them of all of their sins. They are both deceased and I believe they are at peace in heaven. I have a sister that will have her marriage blessed in November and it too will be a very small affair. I wanted something big for her --not for more gifts or a big party–we are Mexican-American and have wonderful customs–but to rejoice in the fact that they are having their marriage blessed. Not until I read this thread did I realize that it’s discouraged to make a big deal. I love the Catholic Church but I am saddened when I hear it hurts non-Catholics. I am easily offended when someone cuts down my Church therefore I truly admire you for going through with the convalidation process. It exemplifies how much you love your husband and I believe God has always known you.
 
would it be possible to have a regular catholic mass nuptials? …with first and second reading, wedding wows flowers and bridesmaids and all the regular catholic wedding rituals , without having it announced in the sermon that its a convalidation and not wedding …same to same rituals like the catholic wedding in a convalidation ?
 
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