Convalidation etiquette

[Melina83]

Hi all,

I know there are several threads on the subject, but I can’t seem to find one that answers my specific question. My husband and I are returning to the church He’s a cradle Catholic and I’ve never been baptized, so I’m beginning RCIA soon. We were married several years ago by a judge in a foreign country with no family present and absolutely no “ceremony” whatsoever. Due to some very unique circumstances that I won’t bother going into now because they’re really not important, that was how it had to be done. We always planned on having a big white wedding later down the road. Well, it’s later down the road, and we want to take the next step with our relationship, start a family, etc. The problem is, RCIA for me is apparently a year long process in our parish, and we don’t want to continue “living in sin” as it were. We’re considering a convalidation rather than waiting to have an actual wedding. Unfortunately, from what I gather through my research online and on these forums, many people seem to think it’s a total faux pas to turn the convalidation ceremony into a wedding type ceremony.

What I would love to have is a very small bridal party (no more than 3) and no more than 30-40 of our close friends and family (we have a big family ) I do want the men in tuxes and I want a wedding type dress (a very modest one though.) I want an elegant, relaxed, simple ceremony, but I do want a ceremony. I plan to have a full reception though.

I understand that most people feel this is inappropriate because in most cases, couples going through a convalidation have already had their big wedding day, received gifts from guests, etc. But in our case, we’ve not even had the opportunity to say vows in front of our family. Is this a big no-no? How does a convalidation differ from a wedding ceremony anyway?

Advice appreciated!!

 

[EasterJoy]

“Many people” would do well to mind their own business.

First of all, a convalidation is an actual wedding. It’s the last wedding that the Church doesn’t recognize as being quite so actual as would be liked. The convalidation of a marriage that was contracted in the civil sense some time ago is not the same as the wedding of a couple who didn’t set up housekeeping five or six years ago, but your case is even less like renewing your vows on your 25th anniversary. Yours is still very much a real wedding with vows that count, not a re-enactment of the “real” wedding.

Having said that, some social circles do not get as wound up for weddings when the couple have already “set up shop” for a long time. Tell your family and friends whose opinion you value that you’re planning on being married in the Church, and poll them about how you might observe it. Your wedding* celebration*, after all, is mostly for your friends and relatives, which is something older brides and grooms are more apt to realize than when they were younger. Some of his cradle-Catholic relatives may be so happy they’ll come close to swallowing their teeth, though, you never know. In that case, you will be very lucky to get away with just 30-40 guests. In the end, though, you get to decide what to have, and those invited get to decide whether or not to come. I think if you communicate a little in advance, you’ll have a good idea of how to plan something you’ll be pleased you put on for those you want to be there for your special day.

 

[Phemie]

You are getting married, period. The ceremony is the same and you can go as fancy or as simple as you want (just as you could if you weren’t already civilly married). There is great reason to rejoice when a Catholic decides to have his/her marriage made valid and I’m sure his relatives will be thrilled by your decision even if some of your friends see no need for it.

I’d simply add a ‘no gifts please’ to any invitation you issue.

 

[1ke]

We’re considering a convalidation rather than waiting to have an actual wedding.

The convalidation is the wedding. They are one and the same-- you are exchanging consent in the Catholic form.

Your convalidation can be small or large. You should talk to your pastor about your situation and the type of ceremony you would like.

Unfortunately, from what I gather through my research online and on these forums, many people seem to think it’s a total faux pas to turn the convalidation ceremony into a wedding type ceremony.

Well, a convalidation is a wedding. But, yes, traditionally it has been a small ceremony with the couple, the priest, and a few witnesses. Some priests may still prefer it that way or expect that because most people go with that option. You should talk to your pastor.

What I would love to have is a very small bridal party (no more than 3) and no more than 30-40 of our close friends and family (we have a big family ) I do want the men in tuxes and I want a wedding type dress (a very modest one though.) I want an elegant, relaxed, simple ceremony, but I do want a ceremony. I plan to have a full reception though.

Go over these plans with your pastor.

How does a convalidation differ from a wedding ceremony anyway?

It doesn’t.

 

[Augusta1990]

As others have said, it is a new marriage, so a ceremony seems legitimate. Having a wedding could also be a strong witness to the importance of having a marriage that is official in the Church’s view.

 

[RoseMary131]

Hi all,

He’s a cradle Catholic and I’ve never been baptized, so I’m beginning RCIA soon.

Well, it’s later down the road, and we want to take the next step with our relationship, start a family, etc. The problem is, RCIA for me is apparently a year long process in our parish, and we don’t want to continue “living in sin” as it were. We’re considering a convalidation rather than waiting to have an actual wedding.

What I would love to have is a very small bridal party (no more than 3) and no more than 30-40 of our close friends and family (we have a big family ) I do want the men in tuxes and I want a wedding type dress (a very modest one though.) I want an elegant, relaxed, simple ceremony, but I do want a ceremony. I plan to have a full reception though.

Advice appreciated!!

Congratulations to both of you on Coming Home to the Church and embracing the Sacrament of Matrimony.

There is no need for you to complete RCIA before the convalidation…you two will marry as a Catholic and a non-Catholic, with you coming into the church later.

Talk with Father…asap…there is preparation through your priest, parish, or diocese to get ready for this convalidation in which you two will be receiving the Sacrament of Matrimony.

The style of ceremony is your choice (unless Father says otherwise). A beautiful gown for the bride, a handsome tux for the groom, wedding attire of your choice for your attendants…a beautiful Nuptial Mass (or no Mass for the ceremony), a full reception…all of that is “bonus” as it is with any bride and groom.

You might consider the wording as you invite your guests something like: “Please join with us as we receive (or celebrate) the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony …or… Please join us at our Nuptial Mass as we celebrate the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony.”

Another very important thing to discuss with each other and with Father is your sexual relationship until the wedding.

Congratulation! Blessings during this preparation time and for a lifetime together.

 

[SuscipeMeDomine]

There is no need for you to complete RCIA before the convalidation…you two will marry as a Catholic and a non-Catholic, with you coming into the church later.

Normally a person in an invalid marriage will rectify that before coming into the Church.

You might consider the wording as you invite your guests something like: “Please join with us as we receive (or celebrate) the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony …or… Please join us at our Nuptial Mass as we celebrate the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony.”

The OP isn’t baptized so they won’t be celebrating a sacrament. The marriage will become sacramental with her baptism. She should confer with her priest or parish wedding coordinator about wording. There would normally not be a Mass involved either. Among other things, consider how awkward it would be to have a Mass where the bride cannot receive communion.

To the OP: Your wedding can be as large or as small as you’d like. You can have anything from the priest and a couple of witnesses to something large and lavish. Have a wonderful, blessed day.

 

[RoseMary131]

Normally a person in an invalid marriage will rectify that before coming into the Church.

The OP isn’t baptized so they won’t be celebrating a sacrament. The marriage will become sacramental with her baptism. She should confer with her priest or parish wedding coordinator about wording. There would normally not be a Mass involved either. Among other things, consider how awkward it would be to have a Mass where the bride cannot receive communion.

To the OP: Your wedding can be as large or as small as you’d like. You can have anything from the priest and a couple of witnesses to something large and lavish. Have a wonderful, blessed day.

Thank you so much for noticing my mistake. I had not retained the part that the OP was not baptized when I wrote my answer. My apologies to the OP and my heartfelt thanks to you for noticing my mistake.

Yes, a marriage in the Church between a Catholic and a non-baptized person is non-sacramental. Also, a marriage between them is not celebrated in the context of Mass.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you so much for noticing my mistake. I had not retained the part that the OP was not baptized when I wrote my answer. My apologies to the OP and my heartfelt thanks to you for noticing my mistake.

Yes, a marriage in the Church between a Catholic and a non-baptized person is non-sacramental. Also, a marriage between them is not celebrated in the context of Mass.

As soon as she is baptized, it will become sacramental, though. There will be plenty of celebrating on that day!

 

[EasterJoy]

Normally a person in an invalid marriage will rectify that before coming into the Church.

Which is to say that if the OP and her husband marry in the Church as soon as possible and do not wait until nearer the time she is to be baptized, they will be proceeding according to the preferred course.

 

[MrsATurner]

I recently had my Convalidation and it was just like a “big white wedding” I wore the white dress, had bridesmaids, cut the cake, threw the bouquet. The whole 9 yards. Part of it depends on what your parish allows. If you want to talk more about convalidations or see pictures from my ceremony send me a message. I am willing to tell you anything you want to know that I can.

 

[swann1e]

Another very important thing to discuss with each other and with Father is your sexual relationship until the wedding.

Seriously? (Asked in a very sincere voice).

My civil husband and I are having a convalidation at the end of November and knowing that we should really be living like brother and sister we have ceased our sexual relationship. I was hugely relieved simply because I was then able to go to confession and receive the Eucharist in good faith. Am I to understand that I should i now explain all the above to the priest marrying us? Or do you think he will expect me to confess the same again just so that he knows? Or do I simply tell him that I have already been to confession?

Thanks in advance for your answers/advice