Convalidation Hesitation?

[jodan002]

Hello,

I’m sure I’ll get some scowls on this… I married my wife over 6 years ago in a non-Catholic wedding (I wasn’t really aware at the time that I was supposed to be married in the Church by a Priest). In addition, I wasn’t really living my faith at the time.

Fast forward to now, three young children, still married, and I’ve recently reached out to my parish’s marriage prep coordinator to have my marriage regularized. However, I have been bothered by a major hesitation to pursue a convalidation. I really don’t feel as if my marriage will / should last beyond the kids’ formative years as she is an atheist and, simply, we have grown apart as I have grown back into my faith with the moral values that that necessarily includes. As a result, I no longer feel any emotional attachment to her; more like a business partner.

I really want to be an active part of the faith community but feel that due to my marriage situation it simply can’t be until some further action takes place.

Do I get my marriage regularized under the auspices that it will likely end in divorce (and thus be de facto lying in my vows, another serious issue), do I wait until it does end and seek annulment, etc? To be clear, I’m not actively planning this, but I am foreseeing it taking place based on circumstances. I want to be “right” with the Church but I’m really not sure which direction to go. I know speaking with a Priest is the #1 option, just seeing if perhaps anyone has any similar experience? To be honest, I almost feel a sense of shame in spending a Father’s precious time on this…

God bless.

 

[Reuben_J]

Do not feel that you are wasting the priest’s time or any of us. Besides, everybody would have a problem, one way or the other. Those who do not have them now probably have gone through them, which they had before. With the love of Christ, we try to help and encourage each other, if we can.

God bless you for turning to Christ. It is never too late.

Yes, I agree that with such situation, you need to discuss it with your priest. Not sure whether your marriage is in the annulment category or not, without knowing all the facts.

You nevertheless are married and having children. That would be a priority for anybody whom you ask – to save your family.

Remember that mixed marriage is allowed in the Church, so your wife being an atheist should not be an impediment to your marriage now. More importantly, would be for you to practice as Catholic and to bring up the children in the Catholic faith.

In the mean time, try to rekindle the love and the attraction that you have for your wife. The fact that you want to go back to the Church does not negate that. In fact, it should enhance it.

God bless you.

 

[Vico]

…

The biggest question is can you two commit to the covenant which defines matrimony: lifelong, exclusive, and granting conjugal rights with openness to any children that result, and being free or any prior marriage?

 

[1ke]

Do I get my marriage regularized under the auspices that it will likely end in divorce (and thus be de facto lying in my vows, another serious issue), do I wait until it does end and seek annulment, etc?

You cannot do that. In order to give consent in the Catholic form you have to actually mean it. You clearly do not think you can enter a valid marriage with your current (civil) spouse. Therefore, you cannot give valid consent.

As a result, I no longer feel any emotional attachment to her; more like a business partner.

Have you talked to your wife about this? How does she feel about it? About you? About your desire to return to the Faith?

It’s not really fair to her to continue along this path of not wanting to be a husband, but only a father and co-parent under the same roof, without telling her. It’s not just about you. It’s about her too. She deserves to know the full situation.

She may desire to leave the marriage and pursue someone with whom she actually can share a life.

I know speaking with a Priest is the #1 option, just seeing if perhaps anyone has any similar experience? To be honest, I almost feel a sense of shame in spending a Father’s precious time on this…

It would not be wasting his time. This is a serious issue, and he can give you spiritual guidance.

 

[Xantippe]

It’s not really fair to her to continue along this path of not wanting to be a husband, but only a father and co-parent under the same roof, without telling her. It’s not just about you. It’s about her too. She deserves to know the full situation.

She may desire to leave the marriage and pursue someone with whom she actually can share a life.

What a mess to make for the kids, though.

They would probably find the whole thing very scandalous.

A lot of couples have trouble connecting with each other with several little children at home. OP, I think you need to prioritize putting your marriage back together again, and l think you need to start putting your wife first at least some of the time–your wife can’t be any happier than you are if she realizes that you view her primarily as a business partner. It sounds like your relationship with each other needs to be a higher priority.

 

[1ke]

What a mess to make for the kids, though.

The mess has already been made. If the OP can save his marriage, that would be wonderful. He already has one foot out the door and it doesn’t sound like the wife is even aware of a problem. he needs some honest conversation with his wife and yes, hopefully he can save his marriage and move to convalidate. If he cannot convalidate, then he needs to separate or they both agree to live in continence in the household. That may not be something the wife is wiling to do.

 

[Xantippe]

If the OP can save his marriage, that would be wonderful. He already has one foot out the door and it doesn’t sound like the wife is even aware of a problem. he needs some honest conversation with his wife and yes, hopefully he can save his marriage and move to convalidate.

Right.

I have to emphasize, though, that the kids are not going to be impressed by dad’s religious principles if they see those principles as having broken up their family for no particular reason. This is setting them up for seeing their dad as a selfish hypocrite.

Also, 3 kids is a whole lotta kids to have with someone over six years if you’re lukewarm about the relationship.

 

[TechieGuy]

I really don’t feel as if my marriage will / should last beyond the kids’ formative years as she is an atheist and, simply, we have grown apart as I have grown back into my faith with the moral values that that necessarily includes. As a result, I no longer feel any emotional attachment to her; more like a business partner.

Yeah…maybe you ought to consider giving a higher priority towards making your marriage work and rekindling the romantic feelings you presumably once had for your wife.