Convalidation issues

[Ls3]

I started going back to Church last year after 12 years away. I was raised Catholic, and my husband was baptized Catholic but is not practicing although he’s open to it. I am trying to get a convalidation of our civil marriage, we have been together for 10 years total and married civilly 3 years ago. I have several issues that are really discouraging:

1. I was refused absolution at confession because I am unable to move away from my husband. We are trying to be chaste but we do not have the finances to live separately. I understand it looks like I’m not really ‘making amends’ but is it really ok to be refused absolution for something you practically cannot do?
2. My husband is sterile, do we really need to take the NFP class? Mind you, this in another $150 I don’t have, on top of the other $700 of various fees and stipends they listed. In general, why is this so expensive?
3. Why the 6 month wait? I was told convalidation was supposed to be a quick process, the priest is having us go through marriage prep and have a wedding. Can’t we just do vows after a regular Sunday mass?

I’ve read through older posts here on convalidation and it seems like it’s supposed to be a more low key process. At what point should I find a different parish?

 

[Diaconia]

There should be a nominal fee, if any, to convalidate a civil union.

Your priest is the best person to speak to about this.

The marriage prep process for someone married your length is typically the same one followed by persons preparing for marriage for the first time.

Deacon Christopher

 

[Ls3]

Thanks, but I have been talking with the priest and he is the one who gave us the list of fees and is having us do marriage prep. Is the process specific to the parish/diocese? What is considered ‘normal’ for convalidation?

 

[Fraevo63]

If you’re married civilly, why then are you being expected to move away from your husband? I’m confused. You are both baptized correct?

 

[1ke]

I was refused absolution at confession because I am unable to move away from my husband. We are trying to be chaste but we do not have the finances to live separately. I understand it looks like I’m not really ‘making amends’ but is it really ok to be refused absolution for something you practically cannot do?

The pastoral guidance of the church is that couples should be encouraged to live separately until convalidation BUT that when this isn’t financially possible or when children are involved then it isn’t prudent. The couple can live chastely, as you’ve said. I don’t believe absolution should be withheld in such a case. Perhaps talk to your pastor in an appointment to discuss this. Or seek another priest for confession.

My husband is sterile, do we really need to take the NFP class? Mind you, this in another $150 I don’t have, on top of the other $700 of various fees and stipends they listed. In general, why is this so expensive?

While many dioceses have NFP as part of premarital prep, there certainly can be exceptions for those to whom it doesn’t apply and provisions for those who can’t afford it.

I suggest talking to your pastor and to the diocesan office if necessary.

NFP classes are not, canonically speaking, a requirement.

Why the 6 month wait? I was told convalidation was supposed to be a quick process, the priest is having us go through marriage prep and have a wedding. Can’t we just do vows after a regular Sunday mass?

Convalidation shouldn’t be as lengthy as premarital prep. Talk to your pastor.

 

[Wesrock]

I don’t know what’s normal, exactly. When my wife went through RCIA one of her classmates had to do six months marriage prep. But when I found out my marriage was invalid at the same parish I anxiously reached out to the priest at the same parish, who directed me to the deacon, who after two meetings (and I cannot leave out the fact that my wife and I were moving halfway across the USA only one month later, which may have been the deciding factor… oh, also, I had attended most of RCIA with my wife, which the other husband hadn’t, so that may have helped) convaldiated our marriage for us.

It seems like marriage prep is still preferred.

But it is up to the priest. And the point is to ensure, in the very non-religious, secular world today’s society has become, that the couple does properly understand marriage such that when new vows are stated the marriage is, in fact, valid.

 

[1ke]

Thanks, but I have been talking with the priest and he is the one who gave us the list of fees and is having us do marriage prep. Is the process specific to the parish/diocese? What is considered ‘normal’ for convalidation?

I would suggest you tell the priest NFP doesn’t apply to you, the fees are not affordable and that you’d like to discuss options regarding the convalidation. If he isn’t willing to work with you, I do recommend talking to another priest.

 

[sr19]

I returned to the Church after ~30 years away. My wife is Buddhist. We were first married by a Lutheran pastor. We had been married for 18 years when I decided to return. Before meeting with the priest about getting convalidated, I went to confession and was given absolution. The priest said nothing about moving apart, although I understood that we should remain chaste. After getting my baptism, communion and confirmation certificates together to send to the Bishop, we met with the priest for about 1-2 hours and he asked many questions to make sure we understood the requirements for a Catholic marriage. Then we set a date about 1 month later to have the ceremony. The ceremony was low key and did not cost anything and we did not need to take classes. We took our vows after a Saturday evening Mass. I’m not sure what the norm is for the process, but it was painless for me. Perhaps it was easy for us because of the length of time we had already been married, but I can’t say for sure. I’m happy I did it and happy to be back in the Church. I hope this helps. God bless.

 

[Diaconia]

Yes, fees are different from diocese to diocese, but that seems excessive.

You can PM me if you want to discuss in more detail. I am an annulment sponsor, and prepare cases all the time for people.

Deacon Christopher

 

[Ls3]

You can PM me if you want to discuss in more detail

When I try to PM, it says I don’t have permission to message you (???). Sorry, I’m new to the site and the interface is not treating me well!

My follow up question was, how do I politely tell the priest a) the NFP class does not make sense in our case 2) I’d like to do this in 2-3 months, not 6. Part of the reason for the 6 month wait is that one of the classes is offered only in June and December, but could we do that after the convalidation?

In general, where do you draw the line between negotiating what will work for you and being obedient to sacramental guidance?

 

[Ls3]

We took our vows after a Saturday evening Mass.

That’s exactly what I had in mind! Good to hear others have done that. And yes, the length of time married makes a difference, I believe at my parish, anyone married less than 5 years needs to go through prep, and honestly I don’t mind some of the prep courses, but the wait time is too much

If you’re married civilly, why then are you being expected to move away from your husband? I’m confused. You are both baptized correct?

Yes, we’re both baptized. The idea behind separating while we wait to get married is to avoid the occasion of sin, and if we were unmarried and cohabitating for a short time, I would see that as more reasonable. But in our case, we have lived together for 9 years, married for the past 3 years. The finances and logistics of separating for 6 months are not doable.

 

[TheLittleLady]

My follow up question was, how do I politely tell the priest a) the NFP class does not make sense in our case 2) I’d like to do this in 2-3 months, not 6. Part of the reason for the 6 month wait is that one of the classes is offered only in June and December, but could we do that after the convalidation?

“Father, here is a letter from our physician that confirms John is sterile. Would you kindly request we be exempted from NFP? If not, what financial assistance is available, is online instruction available?” (Note to @LS3, NFP is a generic term, there are many different methods which use different training models. Your Diocese Family Life Office will likely be able to point you toward either an exemption, a financial assist, etc. if your Pastor is unaware of them.)

In the US, most Dioceses have a web page with the Bishops reqs for Con validation spelled out.