Conversion blues

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I’ve been really excited to start Lent. I was going to go to the ash wednesday mass (in Latin!) tonight but my excitement just kind of died all of a sudden and I didn’t go.

Long Boring Backstory: I’m from a protestant background. I’ve been wrestling with swimming the tiber for several years, and pretty much made up my mind that I wanted to be Catholic about a year ago. I’ve been going to this awesome traditional parish and attending mass in the EF since that time. I really love it. I haven’t done RCIA yet because: I was married in a Methodist church 1.5 years ago. My wife also started grad school about the same time about a thousand miles away. I’ve been trying to find a job there with no luck (boston - really expensive - can’t go out without a job or will go broke shortly), this situation is also a source of MUCH misery for me. My wife seems open to the idea of RCIA but not nearly as interested as me. I really wanted to go through RCIA with her plus this idea that I’ll be moving in a week if I just get that job prevented me from any commitments. I tried introducing myself to the priest at first and asked about RCIA, he directed me a parish membership form for some reason so I did that which led to confusion and awkwardness since I’m not catholic. If I knew I was going to be here this long I just would have done RCIA anyways, but oh well. Anyway, no initiation for me yet. I’m still a person baptized in a protestant church who is going to a catholic church.

Anyways, my faith has really been my only light with this miserable situation I’m in with my wife. I’ve come to love the Church so much through reading lots of Fathers and scripture and the catechism and other documents and blogs and all kinds of stuff in this time. It’s become kind of painful for me to remain outside of the Church.

I try to be a “good Catholic” by going to mass and trying to live a virtuous life and trying to do prayers and devotions and trying to follow the fasts. While I find these things to be beneficial, there’s also this simultaneous feeling of silliness, that I’m just “pretending.” In example, I feel silly when I cross myself when entering the church, and I feel silly when I don’t.

I know I’m not entitled to the sacraments right away, and “good things come to those who wait” and all that, but I desire the sacraments very much. I consider myself very orthodox, and like others, I gasp when I hear people mentioning taking communion when not in a state of grace. Yet, sometimes this thought will pop my to my head very briefly that says “screw it, I should just go up there and receive the Body of Christ anyways.” :eek: I know, it doesn’t make any sense! Of course I wouldn’t actually do that. I think these thoughts just come from a frustration of feeling fairly well catechized from all of my reading (in my own mind, at least :rolleyes:) yet being completely cut off from the sacraments.

I wonder about what would happen if I died in this weird in-between state. The Catechism tells us that unconfessed mortal sins can be forgiven if you have perfect contrition and intend to go to confession. I have lots of mortal sins on my conscious, but do I have truly perfect contrition? There are times when my love for our Lord almost overwhelms me and I am genuinely sorry for my sins, but there are other times when my faith is at a lower point that I just don’t want to be damned (i.e., imperfect contrition). I know that our Lord is merciful, but He is also just. I was in a car accident a couple weeks ago which totaled my car, and that brought this to mind.

Anyways, a lot of times I just think “what’s point?” Why should I go to mass? Why should I abstain from meat today? That’s kind of how I felt today. Why should I go to mass just to watch everyone go through the communion line and get ashes on their head? I know, I know, these are silly questions and I know the answers. There are plenty of reasons to do these things, especially going to mass. It’s totally worth it to be in the presence of Jesus Christ in the Eucharist even if I cant receive Him. Still, sometimes that almost makes it worse, like there is a sense of loss when I can be in the presence of the Lord and not receive Him, but there isn’t that feeling as much if I’m not in the presence of the Lord.

Yeah, so I’m just kind of frustrated and bummed out that I’m still outside the Church, and I’m not receiving the grace of the sacraments to fortify me in my daily life so my faith is just wearing thin. I know you could put a saint in my position and they would be perfectly content and be overjoyed to experience just my small amount of suffering, but, I guess I’m just a wuss. 🤷😛

I’m really sorry for this long whiny rant. I know it’s all about “me, me, me” when I should be focusing on God, especially during Lent. I just needed to get this off my chest. I don’t even know why I’m posting this here. Prayers and encouragement, I guess? Thanks for bearing with me
 
I was received into the Church back in 2000, so I know a bit about what you’re going through. Hang in there, though–it’s going to be worth it. Receiving Christ’s Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity in the Eucharist for the first time will be the most joyful experience you’ve had. Trust me.
 
You are not alone. If you read the lives of the saints you will find that they have had periods of dryness and a feeling that God is far away from them. I am thinking of Mother Teresa of Calcuta, Saint Teresa of Avila, Saint Therese of Lisieux and St. John of the Cross.

Also you might want to talk with a doctor. You may be dealing with a form of depression.

I’ll keep you in my prayers.
 
Actually, you could have received ashes today. Anyone can receive ashes. :confused:
 
There are some things that you have to understand here, which will be helpful.

First of all, you’re not outside of the Church. This may sound confusing, but you must pay attention to the details to see what we mean. If you are validly baptized then you are a member of the Church. You have been outside of the Catholic Church, through no fault of your own, meaning that you did not leave the Catholic Church. At least that’s what I think you’re saying. In addition, you have made the leap of faith. The rest is a matter of procedures. Are you a full member of the Catholic Church? No more and probably no less than an infant who was just baptized. In other words, you’re on a journey toward full communion with the Church that you already call home. But you do not sound as one who is on the outside looking in.

Secondly, I’d like to address the idea of dying before you have an opportunity to make your first confession. As you have correctly said, the Lord is merciful and just. He has revealed to us that his mercy outdoes his justice in some mysterious way that human beings will never comprehend and it’s probably better not to try. There are some things best left for when we get to heaven. With that in mind, we must not forget that someone who hopes to receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation and be absolved from sin is someone who has already repented. God is both merciful and just, as we have already said. He is not a cruel God who plays cruel jokes on people. If for some reason, God should see fit to call you from this world before you have an opportunity to make that first confession, do you really think that he is so cruel as to forget your sorrow for your sins and your desire for the sacrament? Is that even fair?

While it is true that the sacraments are the surest way to sanctifying grace, the Church has never taught that God is handcuffed to the sacraments. Man has an obligation to make use of the sacraments, not God. God can make use of whatever he wants to save us. If he chooses to call us out of this life, knowing that we’re in line for the sacrament of Penance, he also knows that he has to do something for us. God wants nothing more than to save our souls. He will use whatever means he can to do so. Continue the journey. Do not fear about what if . . . . These fears can be temptations from the enemy to question God’s mercy and God’s wisdom. These fears also narrow our understanding of God. God is omnipotent. Therefore, he can save us through many means, if we’re on the right path that leads to him.

Frustration and aridity are part of the human condition. I would suggest that you read the book, Come Be My Light. It’s the journey of Mother Teresa of Calcutta. When I read her story, I became very aware that she loved, not because she felt anything. She loved, not because she believed anything. She loved, because she knew something. She knew that regardless of what she felt and regardless of what she believed, God would not stop loving her and would not go away, even if he felt nonexistent. In short order, sometimes we have to travel on what we know, not on what we feel or believe. What we feel and believe can change with the weather. But we never cease to know that which has become part of our lives.

St. John of the Cross writes about the Dark Night of the Soul. He is often misunderstood. People often focus on the dryness and the feeling of isolation from God. However, they fail to notice that John is telling us that the Dark Night is truly a journey of faith. It is a test of faith. The test is not for God’s benefit. God already knows what we’re made of and what makes us tick. The test is for our benefit. We need to discover that we’re are truly dependent on God and that we have it in us to depend on him, just as one depends on a guide whom one can’t see as one walks out into a dark night. But we know that the guide will not allow us to be lost and will lead us into the light. Trust what you know about God.

You are in my prayers.
 
I will certainly pray for you. It sounds like you are in a period of spiritual dryness. Many saints have experienced it. Usually it comes while God is preparing you for something, in your case entrance into the Church perhaps!

God Bless you!
 
My impression is not that the OP is suffering from spiritual dryness but that he is suffering from spiritual frustration. He longs to be accepted into the Catholic Church so that he can receive the sacraments but he has to go through RCIA first. I hate these one-size-fits-all programs.
  1. Isn’t RCIA really meant only for non-Christians? There is a huge difference between going from a non-Christian to a Christian as opposed to going from a Protestant to a Catholic. It’s like the difference between jumping an ocean vs. a puddle.
  2. Can a parish pastor dispense with RCIA for the OP and receive him into the Church if he is satisfied that the OP understands and accepts what the Catholic Church teaches?
 
gentle_atheist said:
My impression is not that the OP is suffering from spiritual dryness but that he is suffering from spiritual frustration. He longs to be accepted into the Catholic Church so that he can receive the sacraments but he has to go through RCIA first. I hate these one-size-fits-all programs.
  1. Isn’t RCIA really meant only for non-Christians? There is a huge difference between going from a non-Christian to a Christian as opposed to going from a Protestant to a Catholic. It’s like the difference between jumping an ocean vs. a puddle.
  2. Can a parish pastor dispense with RCIA for the OP and receive him into the Church if he is satisfied that the OP understands and accepts what the Catholic Church teaches?
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Only the local bishop can make those policies. In some dioceses, the bishop delegates that to the pastors.

The idea is not the one size fits all, but that the Latin Catholic Church is one sui iuris Church that has a unified set of processes, as do each of the other 22 Catholic Churches.

RCIA is indeed intended for those converting to Christianity. However, those being formally received into the Church are required to go through a period of discernment and the Church that is receiving them must also discern whether they are ready.

There is no difference in content formation between those entering the Church and those converting to Christianity. This requires a certain core curriculum that everyone must go through.

It is much easier for those coming from the Anglican/Episcopal community than for others, because the differences in doctrine is less dramatic.

The rite itself is going to be different. The non-Christian and Christians who are not validly baptized will go through the Rite of Christian Initiation. Baptized Christians go through the Rite of Reception.
 
JReducation said:
Only the local bishop can make those policies. In some dioceses, the bishop delegates that to the pastors.

The idea is not the one size fits all, but that the Latin Catholic Church is one sui iuris Church that has a unified set of processes, as do each of the other 22 Catholic Churches.

RCIA is indeed intended for those converting to Christianity. However, those being formally received into the Church are required to go through a period of discernment and the Church that is receiving them must also discern whether they are ready.

There is no difference in content formation between those entering the Church and those converting to Christianity. This requires a certain core curriculum that everyone must go through.

It is much easier for those coming from the Anglican/Episcopal community than for others, because the differences in doctrine is less dramatic.

The rite itself is going to be different. The non-Christian and Christians who are not validly baptized will go through the Rite of Christian Initiation. Baptized Christians go through the Rite of Reception.
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I went through RCIA class even though I was a baptized protestant. To the OP,
keep with it, the longest period of my life was the period between RCIA and Easter Sunday. May God
:blessyou:
 
october_baby said:
I went through RCIA class even though I was a baptized protestant. To the OP,
keep with it, the longest period of my life was the period between RCIA and Easter Sunday. May God
Code: 
                        :blessyou:
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I can imagine. Someone once told me that it was like waiting 9 months for their baby to be born. They were so excited that they felt it took 9 years.
 
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