Conversion, civil marriage, communion

[remoller]

Re:Are you saying she has grave fear, from which she has no escape, about marrying you?

What I meant to ask was: Are you saying she has grave fear, from which she has no escape, that she must marry you? (Rather than fear that she **must not **marry you.)

Well she can escape marrying me, obviously, and if she felt me trying to pressure/influence her with the threat of , say, separation/economic hardship/family falling apart, even unspoken, she would balk in anger and never budge an inch.

I do think she is having internal “grave fear” of marrying me - that is, she fears that being really stuck with each other will poison our relationship or make me take her for granted like a piece of furniture.

It seems I could join the catholic church without receiving any sacraments. That is not very funny nor feastly but I find it the right thing to do. Also if she sees me going to church regularly and trying faithfully to live accordingly, and still being attentive to her, her resistance could erode.

Anyway, we are one flesh, and her lapse from faith is a grave problem, too. It troubles me a lot, but here also I feel I must tread very carefully.

Today she volunteered to retrieve my baptism certificate for the Electio ritual sunday. It fueled a small joyful hope.

 

[Vico]

Well she can escape marrying me, obviously, and if she felt me trying to pressure/influence her with the threat of , say, separation/economic hardship/family falling apart, even unspoken, she would balk in anger and never budge an inch.

I do think she is having internal “grave fear” of marrying me - that is, she fears that being really stuck with each other will poison our relationship or make me take her for granted like a piece of furniture.

It seems I could join the catholic church without receiving any sacraments. That is not very funny nor feastly but I find it the right thing to do. Also if she sees me going to church regularly and trying faithfully to live accordingly, and still being attentive to her, her resistance could erode.

Anyway, we are one flesh, and her lapse from faith is a grave problem, too. It troubles me a lot, but here also I feel I must tread very carefully.

Today she volunteered to retrieve my baptism certificate for the Electio ritual sunday. It fueled a small joyful hope.

Since she is not pressured into marrying you, she could marry you if she had proper consent, but her current lack of proper matrimonial consent makes convalidation impossible.

You mentioned not receiving the sacraments. Those Christians coming into full Catholic communion in a Mass should make a confession (RCIA 482) but you would not be able to make that confession, so should not be received in a Mass.482. If the profession of faith and reception take place within Mass, the candidate, according to his or her own conscience, should make a confession of sins beforehand, first informing the confessor that he or she is about to be received into full communion. Any confessor who is lawfully approved may hear the candidate’s confession.

 

[AllieT]

Hi remoller - I wish you the best and hope that your eagerness and commitment to Catholicism rubs off on your wife in time - you never know, your conversion may be the thing that brings her back to the Church one day!

I have had a somewhat similar situation - I was a fallen-away Catholic and entered into a civil marriage with my Baptist-raised husband in 2002. I found my way back to the Church 1 1/2 years ago and much to my surprise, my husband started attending Mass with me. I was happy to be going to Church again, but never expected to receive Communion again since I was in an “illicit” marriage and had no real intention to change that. But then, within a year, my husband was signing up for RCIA! I was thrilled for him and fascinated with his zeal and eagerness to become Catholic, but I was also scared, because I knew that in order to help him become Catholic, I had to get more serious about it myself, and I was very resistant to that at first.

In order for my husband to be able to convert, we not only had to commit to being celibate until our marriage is convalidated (we’re dealing with getting his previous marriage deemed “invalid”), but also have to live in separate rooms and have a completely platonic relationship until that time. (so neither of us had to move out of the house!) It was NOT an easy or welcome task and it took several months for us to commit to it. But finally we did and as a result, my husband gets to become Catholic this Easter and will receive the sacraments of Baptism, Confirmation and First Communion, even though we are in an non-valid marriage, but because we are living separately within the same home, as instructed by our pastor. (they call it a temporary “brother-sister” relationship, which admittedly creeped me out a bit and I would have preferred the term “roommates,” but their description better demonstrates the level of purity they expect from us - a platonic love). I understand that my desire to return to the Church makes our situation a bit different than yours, but I have been resistant along the way. I’m sure this sort of sacrifice would be hard on your wife, who has no desire to convalidate the marriage at this time, but hopefully, patience, talking (but not direct pressure) and prayer will bring her around at some point.

Anyway, if your priest thinks like our pastor, you may be able to receive the sacraments while still in your “non-valid” marriage, but obviously, there will be limitations and changes to your living situation, depending on what your priest expects of you. Hopefully because you have children, he would approve of you both staying in the same home at least.

Never give up hope. My husband’s example, eagerness and positive attitude has opened me up to a willingness I never expected from my own pessimistic self. I may have introduced him to the Catholic Church unwittingly, but his love for it is what is going to make me a better Catholic in the end.

I wish you the best. Just talk to your priest and continue toward this goal, and I believe it will all work out for you…