Converting for whom?

[TMN_Faraday]

Hi.
I came to this forum not too long ago to possibly find some guidance and answers to a rather perplexing problem of mine. I’m hoping that this is the right part of the forum for this, lol.

I was baptised and raised in the Catholic church. However, I converted and became (non-denominational) Protestant in my younger teen years, and I’ve attended the same church and have felt nothing short of spiritually fulfilled doing so ever since.

Now, cut to a few years later. I have been going out with an incredible guy who is very devoutly involved in the Catholic faith. Things have gotten pretty serious, and we have thus far been planning to get engaged in the future (About 3 to 4 years). The thought of such is wonderful, but I am saddened by the thought that we may have a few- perhaps even many- difficulties because we are so both very pious in our different faiths.

However, this is my most paramount concern: If we were to be married, I am torn at the thought of us having children. I would be heartbroken if my husband and children attended a church that I never felt “at home” in, if you could understand that. How could I explain to my children about their parents’ different views of the Eucharist? Of papal authority?

Personally- and please, I mean this in the most respectful way- I don’t believe in some aspects of the church. But, if my children do indeed choose to be part of the Catholic faith of their own choosing, would they think badly of me? Would my husband? My worst fear is that they would feel so much pressure coming from both sides, they may decide to not follow a faith period.

For quite a long time now, I have been thinking about converting back to Catholocism… but sadly, I am ashamed to admit that I would only do it for the convenience- and that is a *horrible *reason to do so, I know. It would make things easier I am sure, but I am very secure and happy in the church I have been attending, and I am upset that I may have to sacrifice my own spiritual happiness- which is completely unfair. I have been so upset about the entire situation that I’m thinking that I do not want children *at all *just so we wouldn’t have to have so much heartbreak over this. I’ve hinted about this to my boyfriend, and he assures me that everything will be alright- as long as the children are Catholic. Back to square one.

I admit that I may be jumping the gun about the situation and I may be a bit young, but if this relationship continues the way it has been going I know that I will marry this man. I know the old story of finding “other fish in th sea”, but I thought that when you love someone, you try to work things out instead of just leaving them because it is easier. The thought of doing as much is unthinkable to me.

I know this has gotten pretty long, and I thank you for being so patient. I appreciate any feedback that you may have for me. However, please be mindful of what you are saying- I asked a similar question on another forum and was told that I was “going to hell for turning my back on the Mother Church”. Ouch. That was hardly constructive.

Anyway, I am hopeful that such won’t happen here, and once again, thank you.

 

[dmelosi]

Hi.
I came to this forum not too long ago to possibly find some guidance and answers to a rather perplexing problem of mine. I’m hoping that this is the right part of the forum for this, lol.

I was baptised and raised in the Catholic church. However, I converted and became (non-denominational) Protestant in my younger teen years, and I’ve attended the same church and have felt nothing short of spiritually fulfilled doing so ever since.

Now, cut to a few years later. I have been going out with an incredible guy who is very devoutly involved in the Catholic faith. Things have gotten pretty serious, and we have thus far been planning to get engaged in the future (About 3 to 4 years). The thought of such is wonderful, but I am saddened by the thought that we may have a few- perhaps even many- difficulties because we are so both very pious in our different faiths.

However, this is my most paramount concern: If we were to be married, I am torn at the thought of us having children. I would be heartbroken if my husband and children attended a church that I never felt “at home” in, if you could understand that. How could I explain to my children about their parents’ different views of the Eucharist? Of papal authority?

Personally- and please, I mean this in the most respectful way- I don’t believe in some aspects of the church. But, if my children do indeed choose to be part of the Catholic faith of their own choosing, would they think badly of me? Would my husband? My worst fear is that they would feel so much pressure coming from both sides, they may decide to not follow a faith period.

For quite a long time now, I have been thinking about converting back to Catholocism… but sadly, I am ashamed to admit that I would only do it for the convenience- and that is a *horrible *reason to do so, I know. It would make things easier I am sure, but I am very secure and happy in the church I have been attending, and I am upset that I may have to sacrifice my own spiritual happiness- which is completely unfair. I have been so upset about the entire situation that I’m thinking that I do not want children *at all *just so we wouldn’t have to have so much heartbreak over this. I’ve hinted about this to my boyfriend, and he assures me that everything will be alright- as long as the children are Catholic. Back to square one.

I admit that I may be jumping the gun about the situation and I may be a bit young, but if this relationship continues the way it has been going I know that I will marry this man. I know the old story of finding “other fish in th sea”, but I thought that when you love someone, you try to work things out instead of just leaving them because it is easier. The thought of doing as much is unthinkable to me.

I know this has gotten pretty long, and I thank you for being so patient. I appreciate any feedback that you may have for me. However, please be mindful of what you are saying- I asked a similar question on another forum and was told that I was “going to hell for turning my back on the Mother Church”. Ouch. That was hardly constructive.

Anyway, I am hopeful that such won’t happen here, and once again, thank you.

The ideal situation would be for both the husband and wife to be of the same faith. My wife converted to Catholicism several years after we were married. Our children were always raised Catholic.

What is it about the Catholic Church that you don’t agree with?

No one has the right to tell you that you are going to hell, I would be very suprised if it happened here.

 

[myredeemerlives]

I think if it’s an issue now, it will be a BIG issue later. It’s pretty plain to see that he’s set on your children being Catholic.

So, do you want Catholic kids?

 

[1ke]

(1) You were baptized a Catholic, and that means you are still a Catholic as far as the Catholic Church is concerned. You are subject to Catholic marriage law, just as your boyfriend is.

(2) A Catholic must marry in the Catholic form and a Catholic promises to raise their children Catholic. Of course your boyfriend will want to raise the children Catholic. There is no such thing as “letting them choose”.

(3) If you are serious about **not **being Catholic, and he is serious about **being **Catholic-- move on and spare both of you the heartache of a divided household. You should each find spouses that share your values, belief, and practice of religion.

(4) I hope you will reconsider the Catholic faith and study her truths as an adult.

 

[puzzleannie]

since you are CAtholic you are bound by Catholic laws on marriage unless you have “formally defected”–the priest has to look at your individual situation and see if that is the case, not worthwhile to discuss here.

that being said, I would not worry too much about what future kids “might think” about you, your faith etc. This cannot be anything other than your own personal faith journey, and can’t be about them, or you future spouse. It has to come after a realistic, adult investigation of what the Church actually teaches and practices, and may involve a deeper adult study of your own faith as it may be you have misapprehensions there if you came in as a child.

we can offer prayers and support on this journey, but cannot tell you what to do. If you do marry this wonderful person, by all means participate in an RCIA class to better understand his Faith, in the spirit of wanting to know and appreciate as much as you can about the person you love. AFter that, you will have a much more solid ground upon which to build your own convictions.

he is bound to promise to raise his children Catholic, and you must be informed of that promise when you prepare for marriage. He is bound to marry according to Catholic form, including a dispensation to marry a non-Catholic, or otherwise he is sundered from the sacraments of the Church, a tragedy for any sincere Catholic, so obviously if you love him you could not allow that to happen.

you are being realistic about the real problems that can arise in marriage when spouses disagree on something so fundamental, so keep that realism as the relationship progresses.

 

[jwashu]

You may be attending a Protestant Church but perhaps God’s plan is this man who will bring you back to His Church?

I’ll admit that some Protestant Church feel right. They have a lot of fun and do a lot of praising! That’s great, they are probably actually better at Praise than some of us Catholics. However Praise is not necessarily Worship.

If you left in HS, and from the common disagreements you seem to have with the Church (Papacy, Eucharist), you have probably been misinformed and weren’t properly taught the Faith.

My guess is that you are also attending more of an Evangelical Church. To that end I would suggest a book called Born Fundamentalist, Born Again Catholic by David Currie. It will enlightening you on many things you have probably been told that aren’t true about your Church. Consider picking up some information and some writings from the Early Church Fathers as well, or Scott Hahn’s Home Sweet Rome. Find out what highly devout, educated but open Protestants have said in the past 20 years about the Catholic Church and why they now believe She is Christ’s Church. There is even a book by a Pentecostal minister who’s church decided to “find their roots” after much study, most of them - including the pastor, converted en mass to Catholicism.

Right now the Anglican Church is about to split and there is a good chance that thousands, possibly hundreds of thousands of Anglicans / Episcopals may come home as they did in the early 80s.

Whatever Church you are atttending, what they have told you is what they have been taught - I’m sure they mean well but most is probably not true. Even some of the people who originally wrote books about the Church have since taken them back due to new information (from other protestants).

My wife and I just became Catholic this Easter after a long journey. She was Baptist and I was Baptist / Presbyterian. We are raising our 3 sons (and we don’t know what the 4th is yet) Catholic. Things are truly much more similar that most Protestants know or would believe. But I can say that for those who are willing to listen, even a 64 year old staunch Baptist can begin to see the light (my mom )

MOST importantly… Ask God what He wants and be open to His answer. Then do what He puts on your heart. Learn about your Baptized Faith, you will be surprised.

If you have any questions about differences feel free to PM me and I’ll answer them the best I can.

God Bless!
Joe

 

[kell0618]

Hello

I’d like to address a few different points within your post.

My worst fear is that they would feel so much pressure coming from both sides, they may decide to not follow a faith period.

I don’t think pressure on behalf of parents is fruitful yet I also believe you need to focus more on the fact that two totally contrasting faiths can be very harmful. Having engaged in apologetics on a non-denominational forum I can tell you that the differences are enormous and would be extremely confusing to any children that may come along.

Please also understand this: as a Catholic, your potential future husband would have to be married in a Catholic Church or get special permission from the local Bishop to be married in a non-Catholic Christian ceremony. He would also need to make a commitment to raise the children as Catholics. If he is as devout as you describe, marrying in another church WITHOUT permission from the Bishop would leave your husband without being able to receive the Sacraments of his faith. Translation: he would not be able to receive communion or go to confession which would be a very serious situation for him.

For quite a long time now, I have been thinking about converting back to Catholocism… but sadly, I am ashamed to admit that I would only do it for the convenience- and that is a *horrible *reason to do so, I know. It would make things easier I am sure, but I am very secure and happy in the church I have been attending, and I am upset that I may have to sacrifice my own spiritual happiness- which is completely unfair. I have been so upset about the entire situation that I’m thinking that I do not want children *at all *just so we wouldn’t have to have so much heartbreak over this. I’ve hinted about this to my boyfriend, and he assures me that everything will be alright- as long as the children are Catholic. Back to square one.

You are absolutely correct in saying that those are all the wrong reasons to ‘revert’ to Catholicism (you ARE still Catholic). You should only do so if it is truly what you believe God wants.

If married, you should be open to life (or at least your husband should be) and you would be denying him this if you decided to not have any children at all (not to mention that you would be showing complete lack of trust in Divine Providence).

Catholic children, square one… indeed

I know the old story of finding “other fish in th sea”, but I thought that when you love someone, you try to work things out instead of just leaving them because it is easier. The thought of doing as much is unthinkable to me.

This is a romantic view and not a very rational one. If you are married, you do everything to ‘work things out’. This does not apply to dating.

I’d like to recommend books for you to check out. Perhaps they will at least help you begin to understand the Catholic view of marriage and family.

Good News About Sex and Marriage by Christopher West

Christian Courtship in an Over Sexed World by T. G. Morrow

In the mean time, I suggest a lot of heart to heart conversations with this special guy in your life. If you haven’t already, please do let him know about all of your worries - even discuss the replies you get in this forum to your question. Now is the time for decisions and to put them off would be very naive and perhaps just prolonging the inevitable. Do not despair and pray with and without this young man about the situation. Seek the counsel of your minister and I suggest he (and preferably with you) meet with his priest to lay out all of the ‘cards on the table’.

I wish you peace and many blessings,

Kelly

 

[Angel_Bradford]

If you choose not to revert, don’t worry about what your children will think.

My mother is a devout cradle Catholic and my father, for the lack of a better description, was most likely Baptist although he didn’t practice any religion because he wasn’t raised in a church. But he did marry my mother in the Church and he did agree that we kids would be raised Catholic. He did go to Mass on special occasions like when we received the sacraments; we never thought anything bad about him because he was a great father.

My saddest moments since his death almost 9 years ago is when I wonder if he was ever baptized. He didn’t know so I can only assume he probably wasn’t.

 

[BamaRider]

Ma’m you sound like you have a good perpective on things.

If you don’t mind me asking how young are you?

The concerns you have raised are legit and real.

My worst fear is that they would feel so much pressure coming from both sides, they may decide to not follow a faith period.

This could turn out true.

would be heartbroken if my husband and children attended a church that I never felt “at home” in, if you could understand that. How could I explain to my children about their parents’ different views of the Eucharist? Of papal authority?

I understand completely. I’d know how I feel if my wife attended a anti Catholic Church with MY kids.

Yes you would be heartbroken. If this is how you truly feel, you will grow to resent your husband and his Faith, that will cause problems.

For quite a long time now, I have been thinking about converting back to Catholocism… but sadly, I am ashamed to admit that I would only do it for the convenience- and that is a horrible reason to do so

Indeed it is.

How could I explain to my children about their parents’ different views of the Eucharist? Of papal authority?

you can’t.

and he assures me that everything will be alright- as long as the children are Catholic. Back to square one.

This stuff just doesn’t just go away, he needs to think about it.

when you love someone, you try to work things out instead of just leaving them because it is easier. The thought of doing as much is unthinkable to me.

You do, but sometimes it can’t. When you must compromise on the core of you beliefs to accomomdate someone else, you usually end up resenting it later. That resent will grow and fester, first in small ways, and then it will creep into the everyday workings of trying to be a good wife.

I’m 52, been married 32 years to a Baptist girl that converted before we married for the RIGHT reasons.

Ask yourself THESE questions-

What do you tell your child why mommy goes to a different church then daddy?

When he/she is about to make her First Communion, a joyful time in her life you can’t share in because you think it’s bogus?

Turn it around, how resentful is your husband gonna be when he sees other kids in the Parish making their Communion, and his is at the Church across town?

When the children reach the age they can make their own mind are you gonna sway them to leave the RCC?

I don’t doubt y’all love each other, and that is what is making this so very painful. Go back and read your post, then return and tell US why you think this will work,and if the answer is because we are in love, then you’re gonna have problems.

The hardest thing ANYONE will ever do is walk away from somone they love. To willingly leave is very difficult, it was for me when I had to do it. It is one thing to break up when you no longer love someone, or the other does it, but when one has to end a otherwise lovingly relationship, is very painful.

I’m not saying that is what YOU have to do, but if both partners are serious about their respective Faiths, I don’t see it otherwise. With so much on the line, I can’t see entering a risky relationship that in 5 years may involve kids and a valid marriage.

 

[myredeemerlives]

Also, what would his reaction be to you taking the kids to a different church and not raising them Catholic?

I imagine that would be something he would not put up with, if he is as devout as you say.

 

[Crazy_Diamond]

For quite a long time now, I have been thinking about converting back to Catholocism… but sadly, I am ashamed to admit that I would only do it for the convenience- and that is a *horrible *reason to do so, I know. It would make things easier I am sure, but I am very secure and happy in the church I have been attending, and I am upset that I may have to sacrifice my own spiritual happiness- which is completely unfair. I have been so upset about the entire situation that I’m thinking that I do not want children *at all *just so we wouldn’t have to have so much heartbreak over this. I’ve hinted about this to my boyfriend, and he assures me that everything will be alright- as long as the children are Catholic. Back to square one.

The fact that you’re really thinking about it is the most hopeful sign, and the fact that you realize “conversion” for convenience would make you both unhappy is the next most hopeful sign. Keep thinking and praying about it. He’s heading for a serious letdown if he thinks raising the kids without taking other traditions into account will mean they’ll all end up automatically as solid, faithful Catholics.

Also, you’ve brought up enough issues that to let him pretty much automatically annul the marriage later if you didn’t acquiesce on every point. According to its tradition, the Catholic church shouldn’t allow the marriage if you’re thinking of not having children, because that’s not being open to life. Other issues as well would make it easy to dump you later.

There’s no easy path for you. You’ll have to climb these mountains one by one, and it’s going to take a while. If he remains closed to your perspective, I’m guessing it won’t work out. However, we have some friends with an even odder situation. He was raised Catholic and converted to Protestantism, and she was raised Protestant and converted to Catholicism (before they got married). They seem to have worked it out, despite the mind-blowing complexities involved.