Converting when your spouse doesn't want you to

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Marie_Katherine

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Does anyone have any tips for this situation: My husband wants me to follow Christ, and he thinks that there is truth in Catholicism but he doesn’t believe it’s the one true Church. He believes that this will necessarily create a wall between us and that by converting I’m saying he’s a heretic (I’ve tried to explain the “separated brethren” concept, but he’s not buying it). How do I assuage his fears? And how do I keep this from preventing my conversion? I was almost confirmed on Pentecost, but didn’t go through it because I saw how hurt my husband was (I didn’t tell him that was the reason at the time, though I’ve since confessed to him that that’s why and that I truly am convinced of Catholicism). I’m not saying that’s a good excuse, I’m saying that’s how much of a coward I am when it comes to this, and I need support/advice on how to get through this and stick to my convictions. I need strength. I feel so alone in this journey and wish my spouse was with me and could see all the beauty, truth and healing that I see, but all he sees are the Church’s blemishes. I do not pressure him or nag him about this, but I do want to share what I’m learning without feeling like I’m breaking my husband’s heart, as that’s what it feels like. I suppose that comes with the territory, and I need to buck up and face it. And be as great a wife as I can be in spite of that so that he sees the Church is making me a better, stronger, braver, more loving person.

Any advice would be greatly welcome.
 
First of all pray for patience. After a couple of years when your husband sees you are going to keep living a Catholic lifestyle, he will give up opposing it (hopefully)

Also, as much as you want to share what you are learning, he probably only hears ‘This is what he should also think’. It is not your intention but it could come across as nagging.

As much as it will hurt, for now, don’t share what you learnt. Live what you are learning and pray

CM
 
You freely accept and respect your husband’s spiritual path without pressuring him. He should do the same for you. He OWES the same to you. You are not breaking his heart, he’s breaking his own heart with stubbornness and lack of respect for your freedom of religion.
 
Speaking from experience, spouses with different religious beliefs is a difficult road, especially once kids appear.

We’ve managed pretty well, but that has only been due to our fierce commitment to each other and an unwillingness to consider divorce as a possible solution.

With religion as with marriage, you have to follow your heart. Ultimately, your marriage and your faith will be strengthened.
 
Marie_Katherine said:
Does anyone have any tips for this situation: My husband wants me to follow Christ, and he thinks that there is truth in Catholicism but he doesn’t believe it’s the one true Church. He believes that this will necessarily create a wall between us and that by converting I’m saying he’s a heretic (I’ve tried to explain the “separated brethren” concept, but he’s not buying it). How do I assuage his fears? And how do I keep this from preventing my conversion? I was almost confirmed on Pentecost, but didn’t go through it because I saw how hurt my husband was (I didn’t tell him that was the reason at the time, though I’ve since confessed to him that that’s why and that I truly am convinced of Catholicism). I’m not saying that’s a good excuse, I’m saying that’s how much of a coward I am when it comes to this, and I need support/advice on how to get through this and stick to my convictions. I need strength. I feel so alone in this journey and wish my spouse was with me and could see all the beauty, truth and healing that I see, but all he sees are the Church’s blemishes. I do not pressure him or nag him about this, but I do want to share what I’m learning without feeling like I’m breaking my husband’s heart, as that’s what it feels like. I suppose that comes with the territory, and I need to buck up and face it. And be as great a wife as I can be in spite of that so that he sees the Church is making me a better, stronger, braver, more loving person.

Any advice would be greatly welcome.
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Im just being honest and I certainly don;t want your husband and you to break up but I think your husband may be right.You call it separated bretheran concept and in honesty I don’t know what that means but I believe your husband may see some conflict that you don’t.I guess he hasn’t told you what it would be but to him its real.You must not stop your husband from keeping you from converting.Nothing is more important in life than the truth.You say you were almost confirmed then you are a baptised Catholic.You are Cathollic aren’t you?
 
valentino said:
Im just being honest and I certainly don;t want your husband and you to break up but I think your husband may be right.You call it separated bretheran concept and in honesty I don’t know what that means but I believe your husband may see some conflict that you don’t.I guess he hasn’t told you what it would be but to him its real.You must not stop your husband from keeping you from converting.Nothing is more important in life than the truth.You say you were almost confirmed then you are a baptised Catholic.You are Cathollic aren’t you?
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I am Catholic insofar as I agree with the Church. I am not, however, an official Catholic. I was baptized as a Baptist, became Anglican, and am now converting to Catholicism (provide I don’t get cold feet this time). My husband is Anglican.

The separated brethren idea comes from Unitatis Redintegratio, the Second Vatican Council’s decree on ecumenicism. It states that today’s Protestants are different from those who initiated by Reformation, and that we should not refer to them as heretics. My husband believes that if I convert, I am necessarily referring to him as a heretic. I’ve tried to explain that that is not the Church’s teaching, but to no avail.

I do see it as real, but my husband has an interpretation of my conversion that is not in keeping with Catholic teaching about the relationship between Protestants and Catholics, but he keeps insisting that that is what Catholics teach (he is thinking of the Reformation era and the excommunication of Luther, etc). This is an area of conflict. Of course there will be real distance between us because of conversion, things that directly effect us as a married couple, things that effect our theological discussions (which, as Bible college graduates, are many). I do not deny that; what I wish for is probably unattainable at this time. I want his full support, and I imagine that would only occur if he too was convinced of Catholicism.
You freely accept and respect your husband’s spiritual path without pressuring him. He should do the same for you. He OWES the same to you. You are not breaking his heart, he’s breaking his own heart with stubbornness and lack of respect for your freedom of religion.
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Rudolfo, thank you for this.
 
Marie_Katherine said:
Does anyone have any tips for this situation: My husband wants me to follow Christ, and he thinks that there is truth in Catholicism but he doesn’t believe it’s the one true Church. He believes that this will necessarily create a wall between us and that by converting I’m saying he’s a heretic (I’ve tried to explain the “separated brethren” concept, but he’s not buying it). How do I assuage his fears? And how do I keep this from preventing my conversion? I was almost confirmed on Pentecost, but didn’t go through it because I saw how hurt my husband was (I didn’t tell him that was the reason at the time, though I’ve since confessed to him that that’s why and that I truly am convinced of Catholicism). I’m not saying that’s a good excuse, I’m saying that’s how much of a coward I am when it comes to this, and I need support/advice on how to get through this and stick to my convictions. I need strength. I feel so alone in this journey and wish my spouse was with me and could see all the beauty, truth and healing that I see, but all he sees are the Church’s blemishes. I do not pressure him or nag him about this, but I do want to share what I’m learning without feeling like I’m breaking my husband’s heart, as that’s what it feels like. I suppose that comes with the territory, and I need to buck up and face it. And be as great a wife as I can be in spite of that so that he sees the Church is making me a better, stronger, braver, more loving person.

Any advice would be greatly welcome.
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You are in for a tough situation here. You are changing the terms on your husband and this is a wall in a way. There is no guarantee that your marriage will survive. I would like to tell you that all will be well, but I cannot do that. You see, I have been living in that kind of marriage since 1991. We started out with both of us being very lapsed Catholics but I returned to the Church and he did not. He has gone to Mass and put up an appearance of being Catholic for our sons’ sake but he adds nothing to their spiritual life and thus, they have only one half of what they need to be great Catholic fathers to their own children. I count myself as lucky that he didn’t leave me and that he has pretended to be Catholic when he really feels animosity toward the Church, but his constant criticism of the Mass, the priests, the Church, etc. comes through and at times I have even joined in the critiques, of which I am ashamed and sorry. We do nothing together at church - we can’t volunteer as a couple because he is not interested. I don’t want to do ministry alone so I don’t do much either. He disapproves of my praying at Planned Parenthood and isn’t against abortion or birth control. He won’t tell our sons not to have premarital sex because he doesn’t regret his own past.

It’s not his fault, I feel sad that somehow, I have not been able to be the best example of a good Catholic wife so that his heart is softened and he returns to Jesus and the Church. In the end, our marriage may not survive. He thinks I am a religious zealot and am in need of help. All I know is that I need Jesus in my life every day and the closer I get to Him, the happier I am.

You have to do what you have to do. I would not preach to your husband or remind him of the separated bretheren thing at all. Just do what you need to do, quietly and humbly, and know that I am praying for you.
 
Marie_Katherine said:
I am Catholic insofar as I agree with the Church. I am not, however, an official Catholic. I was baptized as a Baptist, became Anglican, and am now converting to Catholicism (provide I don’t get cold feet this time). My husband is Anglican. .
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I will make the assumption that your husband has always been Anglican. When someone is one religion, converts to another, almost converts to a third and now wants to be a fourth ie Catholic, to a non-Catholic it can easily be perceived as wishy washy not knowing what one wants

Speak your truth quietly. Get baptized and peaceful live a Catholic lifestyle. It is all you can do

CM
 
Marie_Katherine said:
Does anyone have any tips for this situation: My husband wants me to follow Christ, and he thinks that there is truth in Catholicism but he doesn’t believe it’s the one true Church. He believes that this will necessarily create a wall between us and that by converting I’m saying he’s a heretic (I’ve tried to explain the “separated brethren” concept, but he’s not buying it). How do I assuage his fears? And how do I keep this from preventing my conversion? I was almost confirmed on Pentecost, but didn’t go through it because I saw how hurt my husband was (I didn’t tell him that was the reason at the time, though I’ve since confessed to him that that’s why and that I truly am convinced of Catholicism). I’m not saying that’s a good excuse, I’m saying that’s how much of a coward I am when it comes to this, and I need support/advice on how to get through this and stick to my convictions. I need strength. I feel so alone in this journey and wish my spouse was with me and could see all the beauty, truth and healing that I see, but all he sees are the Church’s blemishes. I do not pressure him or nag him about this, but I do want to share what I’m learning without feeling like I’m breaking my husband’s heart, as that’s what it feels like. I suppose that comes with the territory, and I need to buck up and face it. And be as great a wife as I can be in spite of that so that he sees the Church is making me a better, stronger, braver, more loving person.

Any advice would be greatly welcome.
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Yes,you are going to have differences as you obviously do right now.I’ll be perfectly honest with you but I don;t want to influence your decision one way or another.Its impossible for a Catholic and non Catholic married couple to experience the completeness that a Catholic married couple does.Marriage should be a total union of body and spirit.You become one flesh.You didn’t mention age or children.If you have children its even more important that you be united in one faith.Anyway your marriage will always be lacking.
 
I can kind of relate to your situation. My wife was a cradle Catholic; I was on the greater part non-religious. We have 4 children, all who were baptized Catholic but my wife never attended church because of me. Communication was our turning point. Slow down and take the time to understand what points you all don’t agree on. Educate each other, study the areas that seem to not match – and you may be surprised. Not only did she open my eyes to the Church, we learned so much more about each other along the way. Since my conversion we have come into full communion with the Church and our children and marriage flourished. The key is being patient, it took my wife 9 years but I can’t thank her enough for her persistence! 😉
 
cmscms said:
I will make the assumption that your husband has always been Anglican. When someone is one religion, converts to another, almost converts to a third and now wants to be a fourth ie Catholic, to a non-Catholic it can easily be perceived as wishy washy not knowing what one wants

Speak your truth quietly. Get baptized and peaceful live a Catholic lifestyle. It is all you can do

CM
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She does not need to be baptized again as she was already baptized in the Baptist church… assuming they baptize using the trinitarian form, then her baptism is valid. And from my count Catholocism would be her 3rd conversion… each one coming closer to the truth…
 
I think my husband can relate to the changing…he grew up Southern Baptist, attended a Presbyterian Church in college, and then became Anglican. He just has put down roots, but I kept studying.

I unfortunately mischaracterized my husband’s issues about this. He is upset because he felt led to become a deacon in the Anglican church and he now feels that that is impossible because of my potential conversion. He is also hurt that if he *did *become ordained I wouldn’t be able to take Anglican communion from him. The essence of his hurt is that I must necessarily oppose his beliefs as a Catholic…yes, I must disagree and no, I can’t receive the Anglican bread and wine. But is opposition and disagreement the same? I’m trying to find this distinction and show my support but also stand my ground. It is a shaky place to be.

We love discussing deep issues. He’s a philosophy graduate student and I studied theology in undergrad, so it’s a necessary part of our marriage. He’s committed to our marriage, we’ve been using NFP instead of contraception for years now because of mutual beliefs about human sexuality, but we haven’t had children yet. In so many ways, in so many things, we are on the same page. The difference is whether the theology of the Reformation is true (particularly the English Reformation) and we’ve come to completely different conclusions. I don’t think this will destroy our marriage (there but for the grace of God go I) but I do think it will cause a rocky time.

In so many ways, I’m terrified. This has been just an idea…now I’m going to act on it. I feel exhilarated and scared, like the first hill on a roller coaster. 😛
 
Try reading “Rome Sweet Home” by Scott Hahn, especially the part about their difficulty in their marriage.

My wife was an Aglipayan turned Baptist before I asked her to marry me. It seemed daunting for me at that time, but she later willfully converted to Catholicism. Hahn’s book made me realize the sacrifices she had to make when she converted.
 
Maybe you can ask your priest if there is a couple at Church that is a rock solid Anglican and Catholic mix that you can invite over for dinner?
 
Marie_Katherine said:
I think my husband can relate to the changing…he grew up Southern Baptist, attended a Presbyterian Church in college, and then became Anglican. He just has put down roots, but I kept studying.

I unfortunately mischaracterized my husband’s issues about this. He is upset because he felt led to become a deacon in the Anglican church and he now feels that that is impossible because of my potential conversion. He is also hurt that if he *did *become ordained I wouldn’t be able to take Anglican communion from him. The essence of his hurt is that I must necessarily oppose his beliefs as a Catholic…yes, I must disagree and no, I can’t receive the Anglican bread and wine. But is opposition and disagreement the same? I’m trying to find this distinction and show my support but also stand my ground. It is a shaky place to be.

We love discussing deep issues. He’s a philosophy graduate student and I studied theology in undergrad, so it’s a necessary part of our marriage. He’s committed to our marriage, we’ve been using NFP instead of contraception for years now because of mutual beliefs about human sexuality, but we haven’t had children yet. In so many ways, in so many things, we are on the same page. The difference is whether the theology of the Reformation is true (particularly the English Reformation) and we’ve come to completely different conclusions. I don’t think this will destroy our marriage (there but for the grace of God go I) but I do think it will cause a rocky time.

In so many ways, I’m terrified. This has been just an idea…now I’m going to act on it. I feel exhilarated and scared, like the first hill on a roller coaster. 😛
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Opposition is action against whereas disagreement is just that.If you were not to take Anglican communion you would be opposing.I think a good place to start would be the cause of the reformation and why protestantism started.So much changed over such a small issue actually(the selling of indulgences and the exesses of some bishops).IF you really debate these fundamental issues and come of with hard facts I think you can both come to an equitable solution.Your husband seems like an honest,reasonable man who just wants the truth just as you do.You’re marriage should only grow in strenght as you learn together.
 
I know this thread has been dead for some time, but an idea popped into my head that I thought you may find interesting to discuss with your husband.

Sometime ago, I started reading books by Michael Davies, an expert on the Latin Mass. He wrote a wonderful book called “Cranmer’s Godly Order” which details how Cranmer and Co changed what people believed by very subtly changing how they prayed. He did this by eliminating Catholic truths from the mass, resulting in an Anglican mass that looks and feels the same, but means something completely different. Maybe this could be a way to convince your husband of the truth of Catholicism vs the lie of Anglicanism.

Other interesting books by Michael Davies are “Pope John’s Council” and “Pope Paul’s New Mass”.

John
 
Please try not to do this. Invariably, people come to the thread and start responding to the OP all over again. There has been no activity on this thread in almost 2 years.

DEAD THREAD
 
I know the road you are on in the disparity of faith issues with your beloved spouse. Your love and commitment to him is admirable and I understand how your own faith journey is increasing your joy in the Lord as you draw ever closer to the church He founded. Prayer and trusting in the Lord will help you get through this very rough patch. My husband gave me an ultimatum: Either stop with the conversion to Catholicism or he would leave me! I was devastated and felt completely disheartened. After many months of prayer and visits with the blessed Sacrament in my devastation, my resolve was strengthened. Jesus spoke to me about what He wanted me to do. I begged and begged Him to tell me what He wanted me to do and He clearly spoke into my heart saying “You’re here, aren’t you?” I had an upsurge of love and pure joy that He found my actions pleasing to Him. Soon, I was able to calmly speak with my husband about our situation. I plainly told him that I could not turn my back on Jesus Christ again (I had been a lapsed Catholic when I met and married my husband). I was prepared to move forward in my Catholic formation regardless of the impact on our marriage. I apologized if my husband felt betrayed, but this path of faith was the only way I could live my life. After many talks, my husband’s real truth was revealed. he was worried that I was really leaving him behind. I promised him that nothing would change for him, except that he would receive more grace through the process of healing our marital status and receiving the blessing of convalidation of our marriage in the Catholic church. This process was long and arduous and there were many scary and lonely moments. However, I can say that all these years later, we are a much more solid couple. My husband is still not Catholic, but he has begun to kneel during Consecration and he’s the first one to look up a nearby Catholic Church when we travel, etc. as he understands my faith and my heart belongs to Jesus first and then to my husband. I understand your husband’s faith and dedication to what he believes is right. The only way he can understand your faith journey is by you telling him and demonstrating your commitment every day. Trust the Lord to help you through the rough patches and He will do it! God bless you.
 
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