Converting

[Lincat]

What are your views on having your significant other convert to Catholicism prior to marriage? Is it wrong to ask them to do that? Do you think it makes a difference whether both or Catholic or just one is Catholic? My boyfriend and I are thinking about marriage, but he isn’t Catholic. He goes to Mass with me all the time and enjoys it, but doesn’t feel ready to fully commit himself to the Church. It worries me that if he never converts my children will see that and not want to be fully committed to the church either. I also feel really strongly about having the Eucharist at my wedding, but if he isn’t Catholic that probably won’t happen. I just don’t want to force him…

 

[1ke]

What are your views on having your significant other convert to Catholicism prior to marriage?

You do not “have” your SO convert to Catholicism. A person converts because they have a conversion of heart and truly believe the Church contains the fullness of truth. A person does NOT convert to make someone else happy.

Is it wrong to ask them to do that?

It is not wrong to share your faith with other people and invite them to Mass and to pray that they will one day be moved by the Holy Spirit to join the Church.

It is ENTIRELY wrong to ask someone to convert just because you want them to. That is not a real conversion. It does no good, and much harm. It is greatly wrong to do so when one person has a level of power over another-- coersion. You, for example, hold power over your SO because they may fear displeasing you or losing you. It is very wrong to play on that and attempt to get someone to agree to “convert” based on that fear.

Do you think it makes a difference whether both or Catholic or just one is Catholic?

Yes. It makes a huge difference.

My boyfriend and I are thinking about marriage, but he isn’t Catholic. He goes to Mass with me all the time and enjoys it, but doesn’t feel ready to fully commit himself to the Church.

And he may never feel ready nor fully commit to the Church. He may never embrace that the Church teaches the truth. He may never join the Church.

It worries me that if he never converts my children will see that and not want to be fully committed to the church either.

Then marry a Catholic.

I also feel really strongly about having the Eucharist at my wedding,

um, it’s not “your” wedding. It is BOTH yours and his.

but if he isn’t Catholic that probably won’t happen.

Yep. Probably won’t.

I just don’t want to force him…

Newsflash: you cannot force him.

If you cannot accept him as he is, you need to move on.

 

[Lincat]

Thank you for your simple, blunt answer. It really hit me hard. I always think about our future wedding as being our wedding, until it comes to the Eucharist point. I think he and I have a lot of talking to do on that matter because we have never truly sat down and talked prayerfully about it. Thank you.

 

[Lincat]

Another question- when they say to pray for or about someone’s conversion what does that mean? What are you saying in your prayer when it comes to someone’s conversion?

 

[JRKH]

Another question- when they say to pray for or about someone’s conversion what does that mean? What are you saying in your prayer when it comes to someone’s conversion?

I simply pray that God grant them the graces and help that they need to bring them closer to Him. Something along those lines.

Just remember this - the greatest prayer - and the greatest testimony we can give is how we live our lives.

Peace
James

 

[ClearWater]

Some say that women often approach marriage from the perspective of wanting to change the man, and generally, as a result, they end up very disappointed when that doesn’t work. Men often approach marriage from the perspective that the woman will always remain the same, never change. Both are being unrealistic.

It’s not advisable to approach marriage from a position of wanting to change the future spouse. You need to be able to accept him as he is. If not, you need to question if this is where you want to go.

I’d also encourage you to reexamine wanting to marry a non-Catholic. Well, you might want a Church wedding, precana Catholic marriage preparation. At some point, you might want to use Natural Family Planning, and never contraception.

You’d end up going to your church on weekends, once married. In the best of circumstances, he’d either not go at all or to his church. If you have children, your children will either go to none or to his, or yours. So, do you see how you will be already split on the issue of faith?

When arguments arise, will religion be an issue since you two have not been “on the same page” from the beginning?

We teach, as parents, primarily from example. What example will it set to your children if he’s not going to church with you? Will you ever be able to pray together with him or as a family?

Will you be allowed to put up a crucifix at the house, pray the rosary with your children, one day? Will your children be allowed to receive the sacraments?

You can ask him to convert, but I wouldn’t expect it. Even if he did, what would be his motivation? Would it be just to please you and then just reverse itself after the honeymoon was over, since the driving force would be coming from you, not him?

Further, what will you say when your children say they don’t want to go to church one day, and they comment that Dad doesn’t go, that they want to do like Dad?

 

[Lincat]

He definitely will go to church…he always does. He is in no way against the Catholic church- has has no problem with crucifixes (in fact he prefers those over crosses), rosarys, sacraments, and church teaching. He is into natural family planning etc etc. I think his biggest thing about converting is he hasn’t really felt the Spirit approach him.

These questions you posed are all very good and something we will definitely sit down and talk about. He is an amazing person, he just has a different spiritual past and has never really been involved in church the way I am. He has no other church to go to but the Catholic church so there would not be a two church issue.

Thank you for the advice! Praying hard.

 

[Lorelei12]

My husband was baptized but never raised in the Church. It is unfortunate that his parents didn’t follow through, because I do wish I shared that with him.

When we were engaged, he said that he would attend RCIA if I wanted him to. At first, I thought this was a great idea. But he really didn’t want to and wasn’t ready- and he was just doing it to please me. So I told him that there was no pressure, he didn’t have to if he truly wasn’t into it.

We talked with the priest, who gave him information on class times, but he ultimately decided not to. We did not have a nuptial Mass, but the ceremony was still beautiful and special. Our priest explained to us that while we could have a Mass if I wanted to, it would be a bit divisive on a day that was really to celebrate our unity- especially because most of our guests would not be receiving the Eucharist either.

This isn’t something any of us can answer for you. In my case, while I pray and hope for my husband to become more interested, he does come to Mass with me and occasionally watches Catholic programs with me. But I don’t ever force him to do any of it, or guilt him. If he doesn’t come with me one Sunday, it is his choice- I cannot make him and I am not his mother. I worry about his soul constantly, but I also know that he wasn’t afforded the Catholic upbringing that I was, and God knows that too.

Your concerns are very real, and I won’t lie and say it’s never hard. But I am very happily married and I love my husband more every day. I hope one day he decides to receive the rest of the sacraments, but if he does it will be more attributed to God and my prayers than any pushiness on my part.

 

[Lincat]

My husband was baptized but never raised in the Church. It is unfortunate that his parents didn’t follow through, because I do wish I shared that with him.

When we were engaged, he said that he would attend RCIA if I wanted him to. At first, I thought this was a great idea. But he really didn’t want to and wasn’t ready- and he was just doing it to please me. So I told him that there was no pressure, he didn’t have to if he truly wasn’t into it.

We talked with the priest, who gave him information on class times, but he ultimately decided not to. We did not have a nuptial Mass, but the ceremony was still beautiful and special. Our priest explained to us that while we could have a Mass if I wanted to, it would be a bit divisive on a day that was really to celebrate our unity- especially because most of our guests would not be receiving the Eucharist either.

This isn’t something any of us can answer for you. In my case, while I pray and hope for my husband to become more interested, he does come to Mass with me and occasionally watches Catholic programs with me. But I don’t ever force him to do any of it, or guilt him. If he doesn’t come with me one Sunday, it is his choice- I cannot make him and I am not his mother. I worry about his soul constantly, but I also know that he wasn’t afforded the Catholic upbringing that I was, and God knows that too.

Your concerns are very real, and I won’t lie and say it’s never hard. But I am very happily married and I love my husband more every day. I hope one day he decides to receive the rest of the sacraments, but if he does it will be more attributed to God and my prayers than any pushiness on my part.

This I needed to read as well. I could never think about leaving my boyfriend simply because he is not Catholic. Marrying a Catholic will not guarantee the relationship my boyfriend and I have now. We are on a special spiritual journey together and his lack of faith teaches me something as well. You are very right. I am not his mother and I really need to stop thinking that. I am here to love him. You also raise a very good point about the wedding ceremony that I never really thought about. The day is about unity and very few people that attend our wedding will be Catholic and I want a Catholic wedding because that is what I want. But it would not be representative of our unity. I recently went to a Catholic wedding that was not a Mass and it did not feel spiritual. It was lacking. But it was also not my wedding. It just scared me a bit. Thank you for your answer. Praying for you and your husband!

 

[ChurchSoldier]

I simply pray that God grant them the graces and help that they need to bring them closer to Him. Something along those lines.

Just remember this - the greatest prayer - and the greatest testimony we can give is how we live our lives.

Peace
James

What James said.

 

[Lorelei12]

This I needed to read as well. I could never think about leaving my boyfriend simply because he is not Catholic. Marrying a Catholic will not guarantee the relationship my boyfriend and I have now. We are on a special spiritual journey together and his lack of faith teaches me something as well. You are very right. I am not his mother and I really need to stop thinking that. I am here to love him. You also raise a very good point about the wedding ceremony that I never really thought about. The day is about unity and very few people that attend our wedding will be Catholic and I want a Catholic wedding because that is what I want. But it would not be representative of our unity. I recently went to a Catholic wedding that was not a Mass and it did not feel spiritual. It was lacking. But it was also not my wedding. It just scared me a bit. Thank you for your answer. Praying for you and your husband!

Even if you’re not engaged, you can still make an appointment with your priest. He can help you a lot with how to discern whether your relationship is headed to marriage or not, and also can talk to you about the differences between a nuptial Mass and a ceremony.

One thing I can say about our wedding is that even though it did not include the Eucharist, it certainly was still very “spiritual”. I won’t say that I didn’t feel that something was missing (because it was), but it wasn’t at all what I was focusing on throughout. Mostly I was so focused on my husband and the priest, that I forgot anyone else was sitting behind me. Even though it wasn’t a Mass, our priest asked that we kneel for the ceremony, which was actually very beautiful, to be kneeling there next to my soon-to-be husband. The priest gave a fantastic homily and I even heard from guests who were non-Catholic about how nice they thought the ceremony was. I also cried my eyes out up on the altar, and my husband cried a little too- God was there, not in the form of the Eucharist, but even thinking about it now it brings tears to my eyes because I’ve never felt God’s presence more strongly than that day at that moment.

You may decide your boyfriend isn’t right for you, and that’s fine too. These are critical issues which require a lot of discussions between the two of you and hopefully your priest too. In my case, our marriage is sacramental because my husband was baptized, and I am thankful for that. My advice is to evaluate your relationship based on where it is now and not where you hope it goes. You have to be okay with him never converting in order to be sure you want to marry him. If that’s not okay with you, then maybe it’s not right. If you think you could be okay with it, do a lot of praying and talking with both him and your priest. You’re in my prayers!

 

[jlc2k2]

I agree with the posters above that you should not push him to convert but probably from a bit of a different perspective. I was the non-Catholic Christian in our relationship. My husband never once pushed me to convert. If I asked, he would say that he hoped I would convert but that he would never ask me to.

I think one of the big similarities between your relationship and my and DH’s relationship is that I always attended Mass with him and had no issues with the teachings of the Church. I was raised in a Protestant denomination but hadn’t been to my own church in years. But I didn’t want to convert just because we were getting married or because we have a very charismatic priest. I wanted to make sure it was something I truly believed. Ultimately, I did end up converting but it’s not something that you can count on.

My best piece of advice actually came from an old (very secular) college professor. Before you get married, sit down by yourself and figure out what your non-negotiables are. Whether that has to do with how you will live, how you will raise kids, religion, or whatever. Then sit down and talk to your boyfriend about what your non-negotiables are and why and ask him what his are. My DH’s non-negotiables were using NFP when we needed to delay pregnancy, baptizing and raising the children Catholic, getting married through the Church, and a few other things. I sincerely agreed to them and he sincerely agreed to mine. If either of you has trouble accepting the other’s non-negotiables, then the situation becomes much more difficult.

Have there been bumps in the road? Sure. There were bumps when I wasn’t Catholic and there have been bumps after my Confirmation. I know that for some couples differences in religion cause major issues, which may be insurmountable. But I also think that there is a huge difference between a Catholic marrying a die-hard <> and a Catholic marrying someone who isn’t Catholic but still attends Mass and takes an interesting in learning and understanding the Catholic faith.

Feel free to PM me.

 

[SuscipeMeDomine]

You can’t force someone to become Catholic. It’s the Spirit who calls someone and the Spirit who changes hearts.

Many of the people I see in RCIA are dating/engaged to/married to a Catholic. The Catholic party in the relationship can certainly show them what it means to be Catholic and the joy it brings. But ultimately the decision to become Catholic or not rests with the person who wants to enter the Church. As one person said to me, “If I broke up with my fiance tomorrow, I would still continue with RCIA. I want to be Catholic no matter what happens with him.”

I think you need to be prepared to accept your fiance as he is. If he someday becomes Catholic that’s great, but it’s his decision to make. The people involved in RCIA will not push him and will try to make sure that he’s converting because it’s what HE wants, not what YOU want.

 

[white_sheep]

Well, here’s what I did. Met this nice girl, went on a few dates, found out she wasn’t Catholic. We liked each other, but I had to get some sort of idea about her religious beliefs. She seemed receptive to the truth and interested in Jesus, so we kept dating. I’d bring up religion every once in a while and take it a bit farther to see where she was on things, and she seemed pretty receptive to the Church. I guess it grew on her over the years and I was fairly convinced early on that she would convert, but somewhere around year 3.5 of dating she just hit a wall and couldn’t get over that last step, separating ways from her parents and everything. One day she asked me(you know how young girls read all these stupid questions to ask their man in chick magazines, maybe it was Divine intervention) anyway she asked me what I had always looked for in a girl to get married to. So I told her I’ve always known I would marry a nice Catholic girl. Kinda ended that discussion for a while. Then we talked about the Church some more, ended up in different towns for a while and she joined RCIA. 4 months later I proposed. 6 months later we were married. That was 6.5 years and 2.8 kids ago. (working on #3). I still teach her things about the faith all the time but it has worked out fine. There have been many marriages to converts in my family and all have worked out, an uncle married a Baptist who converted after her parents died, but other than that no mixed marriages.

I discourage mixed marriages.

 

[His_helpmeet]

Mixed marriages are, technically, forbidden by the Church. This is due to the fact that unfortunately the most common result is that the children grow up with no religious background, both parents expecting them to choose for themselves when they reach adulthood. However, it sounds as if this is not the case with your situation given that your BF is interested in Church teaching. In such cases, the Church can give a dispensation to allow a mixed marriage, as long as the Catholic party agrees to continue practicing the faith and raise the children Catholic.

In this case, I can’t tell you what you should or should not do. I can advise you to pray and speak to your priest. Mixed marriages can work - BUT they require greater effort than other marriages. You will also have to consider the impact to your children if they see that Daddy doesn’t take Communion. I realize you’re not considering marriage now, but it is something to seriously think about as time goes on.

In terms of praying for his conversion - you can ask the Holy Spirit to touch his heart. You can ask the prayers of St. Monica and St. Rita, whose husbands were converted to Catholicism through their prayers.

In my case, I’m fortunate that DH is Catholic. He converted as an adult - of his own volition, years before we married. We consider that we have the best of both worlds as I am a cradle Catholic. He has the zeal of a convert and I have the background of being raised in the faith, and the experience of teaching it to children (he has a beautiful daughter from his first (declared invalid) marriage). A shared faith has been a great blessing to us in our almost 3 years of marriage. I will pray for you both.