You’re not wasting your time. Remember Rom 8:28.
The reason you are where you are may be the same reason I did certain things during my Dark Night. It is a formation process. You spend time “in the trenches” seeing what goes on outside the Church, and that can build you up in several ways. It can help you learn to take things you are told as tentative until you check them out. It shows you how many, many Christians think which will be of great benefit when having to deal with them in social and professional life just as a spy, or scout if you prefer, goes undercover in camo to see what the “other side” is up to.
If you are body building, you do it by exercising your physical muscle against a machine that resists. If it resists too much or too little it’s not useful. You are in exactly the state of anxiety now, that the Holy Spirit can use to take you to the next step. In fact, that’s always the case.
Just as relaxation is better after hard work, anxiety, or other “taxing” processes, this tension will stand ready to elevate you when you do get into a better space. It’s like a trampoline… for a believer, the farther down you are pulled by gravity and other forces, the higher you will spring. Remember Jesus went to hell before He went to heaven. So on earth you can even go through your purgation and then you are purified like as described by St. John of the Cross, and enter the kingdom. Even while still on earth… like VII said, we are all called to holiness.
I suggest you take up a form of prayer that transcends belief systems so you can be Catholic or not, and do it. Contemplative prayer. It can help enter you into the Dark Night, and transforming union, on to Divine Union. When you get to that point, whether you have become Catholic by then or not, all of your life will become clear, and make sense, and you will have so much serenity and joy and hope you won’t even know how to put it into words.
BTW is there any particular reason you can’t go to a Mass every now and then? Are you accountable to somebody who says you shouldn’t? You don’t have to skip your regular worship for it; Masses are both Saturday evenings and Sunday morning in most places where there are enough priests.
Alan