T
tmaggie
Guest
I am facing a deepening depression. I married my husband because he loved me, and I came from a childhood where I felt ostracized, unwanted and unloved in a large family with a mostly absent father and an emotionally distant mother. All of my brothers and sisters despised me because I looked like and reminded them of our mother, whom most of them felt either abused or neglected by. I did not realize that I carried that into my school life as well, and suffered great rejection from my “friends”. I lost almost every single friend I had my freshman year in high school. I found a note that they had written, and my near-constant depression (which I never really noted, as it was just the background of my life) was the reason. I hid it from the adults in my life by overachieving at school and church. That only made my siblings more angry with me.
In my junior year, I met this cute guy (transferred into my school) who made me feel loved and wanted, and I fell in love with him. He made me feel secure and lovable. I knew he drank beer even back as a teenager, and his family motto was “If it feels good, do it.” (I recently found out his parents gave him his first beer at age eight.) We had our first child and I had to beg for a second one. Within two days he went for a vasectomy (he was afraid I’d want a lot of children, like my mother and father). As the years have gone on, the drinking has gotten worse. I remember checking the apartment ads when my babies were babies, and sinking to the ground in tears as I realized I could not support my two children alone. As they grew older, they took to running to their rooms to avoid their father, and I spent years putting myself between them and their father. I have felt trapped ever since.
We have had some good times in our relationship. When he’s sober, this man is my perfect mate and, while not the perfect father, is not horrible. Overall, though, it’s been years of trying not to be repulsed by the site of my husband, bleary eyed and incoherent. I will admit that I prefer that to his anger and his accusations of how I have failed him as a housewife and how I don’t care about our business. Most nights now he comes home, drinks, maybe eats dinner, and then passes out in his recliner. I leave him there and go to bed. Sometimes he’ll wake in the middle of the night and join me; lately he’s hasn’t eve bothered with leaving the recliner. Our sex life is almost nonexistent, but I don’t mind so much. The alternative - having sex with a man I don’t know if I love any more and who most often reeks of alcohol - is abhorrent to me. Many a night I wondered if my children were better off with half a father or none at all. We went to a fathering seminar and I heard statistics on what being fatherless does to children, so I stuck with the marriage. I have raised our children the best I could, and I must say that my maternal nature has certainly turned out two beautiful children. Of all the things I have done in my life, they are the best.
My depression is growing. My oldest will be graduating college next year, my second child (who has a learning disability) will be struggling with junior college. As I face empty nesting with an empty heart and an empty marriage, I have a hard time coping with my situation. I have joined Al-Anon, and it has helped. Divorce is becoming more of an option. I don’t know if I can get an annulment, but I am a social person and the idea of being alone the rest of my life is also depressing. I used to say I would never understand how a woman could cheat on her husband. I understand now. I could never violate my vows, but I wish at times that I could. Of course, I don’t see myself as attractive enough to garner any attention, anyway, so it’s really a moot point.
I try to trust that God has a plan for me, but the darkness simply blinds me at times. Sometimes I am so depressed that I can’t even cry. I need your prayers and will gratefully accept any advice to review. Has anyone else dealt with this?
In my junior year, I met this cute guy (transferred into my school) who made me feel loved and wanted, and I fell in love with him. He made me feel secure and lovable. I knew he drank beer even back as a teenager, and his family motto was “If it feels good, do it.” (I recently found out his parents gave him his first beer at age eight.) We had our first child and I had to beg for a second one. Within two days he went for a vasectomy (he was afraid I’d want a lot of children, like my mother and father). As the years have gone on, the drinking has gotten worse. I remember checking the apartment ads when my babies were babies, and sinking to the ground in tears as I realized I could not support my two children alone. As they grew older, they took to running to their rooms to avoid their father, and I spent years putting myself between them and their father. I have felt trapped ever since.
We have had some good times in our relationship. When he’s sober, this man is my perfect mate and, while not the perfect father, is not horrible. Overall, though, it’s been years of trying not to be repulsed by the site of my husband, bleary eyed and incoherent. I will admit that I prefer that to his anger and his accusations of how I have failed him as a housewife and how I don’t care about our business. Most nights now he comes home, drinks, maybe eats dinner, and then passes out in his recliner. I leave him there and go to bed. Sometimes he’ll wake in the middle of the night and join me; lately he’s hasn’t eve bothered with leaving the recliner. Our sex life is almost nonexistent, but I don’t mind so much. The alternative - having sex with a man I don’t know if I love any more and who most often reeks of alcohol - is abhorrent to me. Many a night I wondered if my children were better off with half a father or none at all. We went to a fathering seminar and I heard statistics on what being fatherless does to children, so I stuck with the marriage. I have raised our children the best I could, and I must say that my maternal nature has certainly turned out two beautiful children. Of all the things I have done in my life, they are the best.
My depression is growing. My oldest will be graduating college next year, my second child (who has a learning disability) will be struggling with junior college. As I face empty nesting with an empty heart and an empty marriage, I have a hard time coping with my situation. I have joined Al-Anon, and it has helped. Divorce is becoming more of an option. I don’t know if I can get an annulment, but I am a social person and the idea of being alone the rest of my life is also depressing. I used to say I would never understand how a woman could cheat on her husband. I understand now. I could never violate my vows, but I wish at times that I could. Of course, I don’t see myself as attractive enough to garner any attention, anyway, so it’s really a moot point.
I try to trust that God has a plan for me, but the darkness simply blinds me at times. Sometimes I am so depressed that I can’t even cry. I need your prayers and will gratefully accept any advice to review. Has anyone else dealt with this?
