Coping with difficult elderly parents

[StJudePray4Me]

My husband and I are both dealing with a problem with our folks.

Both couples are in their mid-70s to early 80s and have been married for about 50 years. The problem? They can’t seem to get along.

Whenever we visit, our parents fight, bicker and generally are nasty to each other. Often, they try to enlist us to one side of the arguement, to agree with them, etc.

Each one of them have had Heath problems, strokes, heart attacks, etc. What I see is either changes in personality which may be due to their health issues…or maybe they were always like this but as younger people we didn’t notice as much?

I am not sure how to deal with this. I don’t want to stay away when they need our help, I don’t want to be estranged, but it is SO hard to be around this.

There is one person in each couple who is especially hard to talk to, so a round table discussion or family meeting would NOT go well.

Any thoughts? Thanks.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

My heart goes out to you. I don’t know if there is any solution but to sit down with each person, perhaps getting each alone would help, and be honest,

“Mom, you know we love you very much, and we are sad when you and Dad seem to argue and fuss all the time. Is there something we can do to help?”

“Dad, we love you and we don’t want to see you and Mom fussing at each other all the time. Can we do anything to help? Maybe you don’t even recognize that you treat each other badly?”

It sure could be due to health conditions - sometimes early Alzheimer’s shows up as irritability. But getting old ain’t for lightweights! Dealing with the degradation of the body just generally stinks! It can bring out the worst in a person.

Will they go to the doctor if you ask them to?

I can tell you that I tried to help my stepmom get over depression, and I didn’t do very well. Her best friend of 60 years had a better result, she knows just where to tweak, where to push, and her personality helps Mom more than my earnest concern. I tried my best, but my type of nursing just didn’t do that much good. Is there anyone you could pull into the relationships to help either couple? Friends? Other relatives? Sometimes gentle teasing will snap people out of their problems, or maybe there is someone who can actually be more frank and honest and get away with it, KWIM?

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

Each one of them have had Heath problems, strokes, heart attacks, etc. What I see is either changes in personality which may be due to their health issues…or maybe they were always like this but as younger people we didn’t notice as much?

Any thoughts? Thanks.

It could be you didn’t notice it before now, but with aging and/or ill health often comes depression and other mental health issues. Depression in the elderly and chronic pain can both manifest as extreme cantankerousness.

Were I you I’d begin with their physician(s), who can screen for dementia, depression, and other conditions that result in mood changes. The physician’s office can also point you towards other resources in your parents’ area that can offer help.

Luna

 

[Cathy]

I wholeheartedly agree with taking them to the doctor if at all possible.
My elderly mother, age 94, has been suffering from paranoid schizophrenia for almost 50 years now. (Blessings to my brother and his family who have lived with her for the last 10 years.) Recently she was hospitalized because of kidney problems (most likely initiated by dehydration), and some other problems came to light: need for antibiotics, heart meds, asthma meds. During the course of her treatment she went from fighting with the nurses and me to keep her oxygen mask off (it took three of us just to test her oxygen levels) to, at the end of her stay, holding out her arm willingly for a blood test. While she was in the hospital, she got more water and better nutrition (we took turns spending the night and day and feeding her) and my brother and her caregiver have been continuing that regimen at home (except for the feeding at night). I recently read that dehydration alone can cause irritability, and it is harder for the elderly to recognize that they need water. We have been told to give mom at least a quart of water per day.

Since she has been home, we have had some beautiful conversations with her, and she has been singing along with her CD of old hymns. There is no way to thank God enough for this precious time with our mom.

Last and most important, we have asked everyone we know who prays to pray for our mom, and they have been. Her caregiver and I have been praying a continuing novena to St. Jude. So you are definitely on the right track when you ask for his intercession.

Blessings to you and your husband for caring. I’ll pray for you, too. Don’t give up, but also don’t give up asking for help and prayers.
Cathy

 

[Chochy]

Dear One,

I understand as I’m dealing with the same situation with my elderly aunt and uncle. They spend 24/7 together and drive one another batty. I suggest that you try to put some things in place that they can do apart from one another. It’s also important for them to continue socializing so they can meet some friends. I’ve tried to explain depression to each of them stating that it is a terrible thing not only to have, but also to deal with. When one is feeling off, they throw “off” energy towards the other. That person catches the “off” energy and throws it back. I’ve suggested that they refuse to catch each other’s “off” energy and try to send “positive” energy back.

I let them know how hard it is to be around them when they are being so hurtful to one another. I don’t have children, but I can imagine the way I feel is the way my parents felt when my siblings and I argued. My aunt and uncle let things build up, without resolve. I remind them not to let the sun go down being mad at each other. I remind them that we can always look up to God when we have trouble. They know I love and care about them, so I ask them how much more God must love them and not want them to hurt one another. Their worlds are small and realistically they don’t feel they have much to look forward to.

My aunt is worse than my uncle. I’ve had to pull her aside. I’ve told her that she is not a mean person, but others do not see it that way. I’ve explained about elder abuse, because a clerk at one of the stores actually called her on it. I’ve made her aware that being reported is a possibility. My uncle doesn’t read, but my aunt does, so I gave her a few books that have helped.

Hoping some of this helps you. I’ll hold you in my prayers. Blessings - Chochy