Coping with distance

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ChantelMarie

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My husband an I got married three weeks ago. He had to return to England, and I currently live in California. I am trying to get to England, but immigration is complicated, and I don’t know when I will be able to get to see him again.

He has been gone less than a week and I am struggling with having him so far away. I am also having a really hard time financially and have some other personal problems going on.

At the moment, I have no idea how to handle him and could use some advice.

I told him yesterday that I felt like I was falling apart. I am struggling and could use some emotional support. Today he had cricket(if you are unfamiliar with the game, it lasts all day.), and then after cricket he had a beer with his team mates, and then most of them went to a house warming party. I wanted to talk to him today, and have been waiting all day to speak to him(It’s currently 4:30pm my time.) He told me that even if he doesn’t call me until six in the morning his time, he is still calling me “today” in my time. He said he would call me “later” and insists that if he calls me at all today, that satisfies “later”.

I need his help with something and I told him to wait until he was home because I want his attention instead of having him call me from a friends house and have him in the middle of a group of people, or wanting to head back to the group if he left to speak to me. He said he wanted to call anyway just to check on me and would call me later to talk.

When he called, I was upset. Not at him, and I made that clear, but I don’t have a poker face and it was obvious that I was upset. He got angry with me and told me that I ruined his night by being upset. I reminded him that he has known that I was upset for more than 24 hours, and since the things that I am upset about are big, life issues, he shouldn’t be surprised that I am still upset. He left the party and called me from his house, but was angry that he “had to leave the party” even though I never asked him to. He told me that I should have known that he would have been upset to see me upset.

I have no idea what to do now, or what I could have done differently. I am sure he had a couple of drinks at the party, but he was not blatantly intoxicated when I spoke with him.

Any prayers, or advice on how I should handle this situation would be greatly appreciated.
 
Is this man the same one who features in your previous thread?

It sounds like he doesn’t understand how tough it is on you to be so far away. I was in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend (now-finacee) for two years before she was able to move closer to me. (And it’s still difficult to be away from her even though we only live 6km away from each other!) I know it can be difficult to be emotionally supportive to each other at such a distance but it’s important for your marriage that he knows how you feel and gives you the time you need. Cricket should not come before his spouse.

You should tell him that you need a certain amount of his time to speak with him every day and that he should try to call you at a time that is reasonable for you.
 
With all due respect, I am concerned. No man should treat his new bride that way. Are you sure you really want to leave your country to be with him?
 
@AdamPeter This is not the man that I spoke of a year ago. But, it was helpful to re-read that and see what I have been through. I read the books that were suggested and have been to therapy. This relationship does not feel anything like that one.

@Anglewannabe I am sure that I want to move to be with him. I see how you would ask that considering that the only thing you know about him is that he was rude to me tonight. But, he really is a wonderful man. Being long distance is so hard, and you cannot understand the ways until you experience it.

This is the first time we have been away from one another since we have been married, and it has changed things. Also, he was in California last summer and not playing cricket, so we haven’t had to figure out where I fit in during cricket season yet. We should talk about both of our expectations for communicating on days that he plays cricket, when he is available, and when we think is a good time to talk. This was his first game of the season. They won, and it’s not unreasonable of him to want to celebrate with his friends. Yes, I am important too. But, I am not going to throw our relationship away because he was too excited to think of me today.
 
I was in a long-distance relationship for a long time after we were married. The first week or two is the worst. The week or so before a separation ends is also hard, so be ready for that. (Short visits can be unnecessarily hard, if you expect them to be perfect, so don’t expect life to be more perfect than usual and maybe a little worse…Murphy’s Law. Get a sense of humor, because laughing is easier on you than crying.)

Yes, I am saying to be realistic in your expectations, then dial them down a little more. Do you know the Serenity Prayer? Long distance marriages, like addictions, are each an exercise in coping with handling powerlessness in a faithful way:

God, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.

Look for support nearby. You don’t have to feel “OK.” You only have to find a “any landing you walk away from is a good one” state of mind. Things are difficult now, but this is not likely to last forever. You get through this by getting through one day at a time, not by imagining how much time may or may not be left. Trust me. Really.

You need to find a way to at least realize that if he’s happy and relaxed,* that is something to be happy about*. You do not have to feel it. Emotions have a mind of their own, like a cat. You do not control emotions. You co-exist with them, you enjoy them, you can to some extent become the master of them, but remember this is always in the way that you “master” a cat, not the way you “master” a dog. Get too overbearing, and they’ll go into your closet and make a mess of your favorite pair of shoes.

All married couples need to have support other than their spouses. This is true even if you live in the same house. This is why quilting circles were invented: it is not as if no one is capable of making a quilt by herself. Find yourself the equivalent of a quilting circle–I mean a group of women who gather on a regular basis to do something, whether it is sewing or softball or discussing a book for 15 minutes out of a two hour evening–because it really helps. You might want a lot of them, because it will help you to spread your learning curve over many sympathetic ears, rather than wear out just a few supporters.

You can do it. Your husband will probably cope very differently than you do. Allow him to do that. If he’s happy, be happy for him. If you are unhappy, let him know but also be brave and don’t lay it all on him. Just a little, OK? Spread the rest around and let go as much of your baggage as you can. This is a journey that vastly favors those who decide to let go of what they thought they had to have and travel light, instead.

Hang in there!
 
EasterJoy said:
I was in a long-distance relationship for a long time after we were married. The first week or two is the worst. The week or so before a separation ends is also hard, so be ready for that. (Short visits can be unnecessarily hard, if you expect them to be perfect, so don’t expect life to be more perfect than usual and maybe a little worse…Murphy’s Law. Get a sense of humor, because laughing is easier on you than crying.)

Yes, I am saying to be realistic in your expectations, then dial them down a little more. Do you know the Serenity Prayer? Long distance marriages, like addictions, are each an exercise in coping with handling powerlessness in a faithful way:

God, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.

Look for support nearby. You don’t have to feel “OK.” You only have to find a “any landing you walk away from is a good one” state of mind. Things are difficult now, but this is not likely to last forever. You get through this by getting through one day at a time, not by imagining how much time may or may not be left. Trust me. Really.

You need to find a way to at least realize that if he’s happy and relaxed,* that is something to be happy about*. You do not have to feel it. Emotions have a mind of their own, like a cat. You do not control emotions. You co-exist with them, you enjoy them, you can to some extent become the master of them, but remember this is always in the way that you “master” a cat, not the way you “master” a dog. Get too overbearing, and they’ll go into your closet and make a mess of your favorite pair of shoes.

All married couples need to have support other than their spouses. This is true even if you live in the same house. This is why quilting circles were invented: it is not as if no one is capable of making a quilt by herself. Find yourself the equivalent of a quilting circle–I mean a group of women who gather on a regular basis to do something, whether it is sewing or softball or discussing a book for 15 minutes out of a two hour evening–because it really helps. You might want a lot of them, because it will help you to spread your learning curve over many sympathetic ears, rather than wear out just a few supporters.

You can do it. Your husband will probably cope very differently than you do. Allow him to do that. If he’s happy, be happy for him. If you are unhappy, let him know but also be brave and don’t lay it all on him. Just a little, OK? Spread the rest around and let go as much of your baggage as you can. This is a journey that vastly favors those who decide to let go of what they thought they had to have and travel light, instead.

Hang in there!
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Agreed.

Having other ladies who are you friends can be good as also keeping busy, having a lot of hobbies and interests, and lowering expectations as to how often he can call. Change expectations to preferences.

Good luck!
 
ChantelMarie said:
@AdamPeter This is not the man that I spoke of a year ago. But, it was helpful to re-read that and see what I have been through. I read the books that were suggested and have been to therapy. This relationship does not feel anything like that one.

@Anglewannabe I am sure that I want to move to be with him. I see how you would ask that considering that the only thing you know about him is that he was rude to me tonight. But, he really is a wonderful man. Being long distance is so hard, and you cannot understand the ways until you experience it.

This is the first time we have been away from one another since we have been married, and it has changed things.** Also, he was in California last summer and not playing cricket, so we haven’t had to figure out where I fit in during cricket season yet**. We should talk about both of our expectations for communicating on days that he plays cricket, when he is available, and when we think is a good time to talk. This was his first game of the season. They won, and it’s not unreasonable of him to want to celebrate with his friends. Yes, I am important too. But, I am not going to throw our relationship away because he was too excited to think of me today.
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Really, Cricket should be a little down the list and talking with his wife should be the priority. I’m getting the impression that he plays professionally…is that the case?

If it is then it’s somewhat understandable that he’d have to play certain games.
But if cricket gets in the way of your marriage then it’s a problem. It’s not unreasonable that he’d want to celebrate a victory with his teammates, but marriage entails sacrifice and it sounds like you’re the one making all the sacrifice at the moment. He should be willing, if not eager, to spend some time talking to you. I’m an amateur canoe athlete and I spend a lot of time training and preparing for races, but if my fiancee asked me to skip a race in order to do something important with her then I’d generally be happy to do that.
 
@EasterJoy Thank you so much for your response. I do know that prayer, and I need to remember to pray it often! I do have way too much time on my hands at the moment. I am looking for a job. So, I will probably feel less needy when I have more to do.

@ClearWater Thank you for your response. I Definitely my expectations needed to change. My husband plays soccer and cricket, and during soccer season, he is home by late afternoon. Everything about cricket is new to me, and although I intellectually knew that the game was longer, I did not readjust my expectations that I was going to get to FaceTime him in the afternoon.

@AdamPeter He does play cricket and soccer professionally. I cannot expect him to give up games for me. And, again, this was his first game since I have known him, and his first game in two years. They won, and I wanted him to celebrate and enjoy himself. The problem came when I told him to stay out with his buddies, but then he saw that I was upset. So, he felt like he couldn’t go out and have fun when I was sad. But, once he left, he was grumpy that he didn’t get to finish celebrating with the guys. Of course, he should not have taken that out on me, but he has since apologized.

If I was there in person, I would have been at his game and he would have stayed home with me after the game if I asked him to. We are very different people in some ways. He is having a hard time dealing with being away from me too. But, where as I am comforted by his face on FaceTime, if he is really upset, he needs to be around people. We talk everyday on FaceTime, and text throughout the day as well. I am not being ignored. We are just still figuring out how to meet both of our needs.
 
ChantelMarie said:
@EasterJoy Thank you so much for your response. I do know that prayer, and I need to remember to pray it often! I do have way too much time on my hands at the moment. I am looking for a job. So, I will probably feel less needy when I have more to do.

@ClearWater Thank you for your response. I Definitely my expectations needed to change. My husband plays soccer and cricket, and during soccer season, he is home by late afternoon. Everything about cricket is new to me, and although I intellectually knew that the game was longer, I did not readjust my expectations that I was going to get to FaceTime him in the afternoon.

@AdamPeter He does play cricket and soccer professionally. I cannot expect him to give up games for me. And, again, this was his first game since I have known him, and his first game in two years. They won, and I wanted him to celebrate and enjoy himself. The problem came when I told him to stay out with his buddies, but then he saw that I was upset. So, he felt like he couldn’t go out and have fun when I was sad. But, once he left, he was grumpy that he didn’t get to finish celebrating with the guys. Of course, he should not have taken that out on me, but he has since apologized.

If I was there in person, I would have been at his game and he would have stayed home with me after the game if I asked him to. We are very different people in some ways. He is having a hard time dealing with being away from me too. But, where as I am comforted by his face on FaceTime, if he is really upset, he needs to be around people. We talk everyday on FaceTime, and text throughout the day as well. I am not being ignored. We are just still figuring out how to meet both of our needs.
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I guess I can understand that both of you are adjusting. Perhaps it was just one bad moment.
I hope you both get to be together soon. I’ll pray for ye.

God Bless
 
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