Coping with my brother's death

[ZTyler93]

When I was 15 years old, my 17 year old brother was killed by a drunk driver. He was walking home from a friend’s house on a Saturday evening when a man drove up on the curb and directly hit him with his vehicle. He then proceeded to drag his body 200 feet down the road before crashing into a fence.

Vince was such an intelligent guy. He was so much smarter and talented than I will ever be, even at my wisest. He was in the process of starting Northwestern University, he had a decent job for a teenager, and a loving girlfriend.

The justice system where I grew up was not fair by any means; he was only sentenced to 12 years in prison. We found out later that the drunk driver who murdered my brother was in the process of becoming a Catholic deacon. I was the only one who was bothered by this.

I didn’t know how to cope with this loss. I felt like I was alone. I was confused. And I was exceptionally hurt. When I turned 16, I earned my license and could drive by myself after 6 months. I started going to Mass every Saturday, to the same parish the murderer attended all his life. Once again, I was confused. I didn’t know what else to do. The parishioners seemed to revere this guy as saintly, which angered me. I always sat in the back corner and thought to myself. I never stood or spoke. I never looked at anyone, or shook anyone’s hand. I didn’t introduce myself or stay after for food. I stared and cried. I tried to understand why someone would do such a thing.

Then, I started blaming all Catholics. By age 17, I would say that I absolutely detested Catholics, Catholicism, and the RCC. When I was a senior in high school, there was this Catholic kid who was the perfect example of a Catholic. He was nice to everyone and inclusive. Everyone liked him. But I was annoyed by him. Maybe because in my head, I couldn’t envision a Catholic as a gentle person, but rather as a murderer, an uncaring and unkind beast. I cornered him after school one day and I threatened him. He shoved me out of the way and I punched him in the mouth. We were both suspended for fighting. I’ve never spoken to him since that day.

I’m now in college, and I wouldn’t say I hate Catholics anymore. However, I still have trouble interacting with them. I have no Catholic friends for a good reason. The worst part is that two of my roommates are Catholic. They’re not devout or even active by any means, but the thought that they have been confirmed, grew up saying the Nicene Creed, and went to private, Catholic schools gets under my skin.

I still go to Mass. Every Sunday actually. In fact, Mass ended an hour and a half ago. I just don’t know how to cope anymore. I only started going to figure out the truth. This is just how I have coped with things all these years. I feel weak and I don’t know who to turn to at this point. Does anyone have any advice? Can anyone relate?

 

[Amazon]

Your Faith will be tested again and again.
The devil works in mysterious ways to separate us from the Church.
It happened with me once, and all it took was Faith as small as a Mustard seed to get me to see where I had erred. But I define Faith differently than your average Christian. I don’t confuse it with Belief.

**Find the **Murdering Deacon, tell him your pain. Most likely you need for him to apologize to you. 12 years in Prison is worst than death. Death is the cessation of all pains, whereas living with the fact that you killed someone and facing Prison abuse is the worse. So don’t think you’re the only one in Hell, he’s been there too.

But a lot of your anger is based on your Interpretation of what you think is going on.
Sure you see them as super pious hypocrites, but you don’t know if that’s the case. The Perfect Human realizes that they are imperfect.

Change your Interpretation, and the world will change with you.

Your mind is like dirty water, what makes the water so dirty, all the random thoughts that are viscously moving around like turbulent waters. I suggest you learn some Basic Buddhism, as it has expert advice at dealing with the source of Human Suffering, which is the mind, and how to stop Suffering, since you are Suffering you should give them a shot.

Buddhism can be what you want it to be,
there is no threatening conditions if you leave it.
You take what you need and leave the rest.
I believe that Buddhism can compliment any religion,
as I don’t see Buddhism as a religion, more of a Mind Teaching.

One of my favorite Sutras, the Kalama Sutra:

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it.
Do not believe in traditions simply because they have been handed down for many generations.
Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many.
Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books.
Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders.

But when, after observation and analysis, you find anything that agrees with reason,
and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.

I understand the Teachings of Buddha as an Academic study and it compliments my Catholic Practice. I see the need for Faith Strengthening which primarily depends on correct focus and concentration, something which Buddha’s Mind Training helps with. And I acknowledge the need for God.

We will die one day, and I don’t want to be rotting in the ground, when I had the chance to be in Heaven.

 

[pianistclare]

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother.
It’s such a hard thing for anyone to bear, especially at your young age.
I’m equally sorry that you are struggling so much.
I wonder if you believe that clinging on to this horrible situation somehow honors your brother’s memory? You brother is at peace. I wonder if he could come back for a moment and talk to you would he wish that you would move on and rest in the knowledge that he is no longer suffering.
Also, do you believe that only Catholics are alcoholics? This man’s actions were caused by his sickness. We do not know what angst he went through seeking the Lord’s forgiveness. Maybe part of his conversion process (beating alcoholism) was to begin to serve God in atonement for his sin?
The people that you say “revere” him either know his history and have decided not to judge him, (realizing that God heals) or perhaps they have no idea, the truth being too painful for him to tell.
I would meet with a priest for counseling. Grief is a debilitating thing.
The fact that you attend Mass gives me hope that you want to forgive this man, and that you want to honor your brother’s memory in a prayerful, and productive way.
The next time you are at Mass, remember Calvary. Remember that our Lord forgave the sinners that were executed with Him. One repented, and we have to remember that God’s mercy is limitless. You need some help to deal with your intense grief. See a priest and pour out your heart. Keeping it to yourself only intensifies the pain.
Also, I strongly suggest that you read the life story of Saint Maria Goretti. She was killed as a young girl by a neighbor. She forgave him before she died, saying she wishes he would be in heaven with her someday, and years later, after his sentence was completed, he went immediately to her mother to beg forgiveness, which she also gave.
It can be done. Read her story. Pray about it. Seek the advice of a priest in helping you to deal with your profound grief.
I will pray for you, as I’m sure many others here will.
You are not alone. Jesus Himself mourned. Our Lady mourned. the Apostles mourned.
As we all do. We must turn to God for the path to healing.
God bless you, and be assured of my prayers.
Pianist

 

[AussieTrish]

Dear Jesus, ZTyler lost his brother in such a sad way. It is a loss that he has to endure for all of his life, a terrible loss.

Please help him to find healing and peace.

Bless him for his humility and generosity in sharing his pain and loss and the effect it has had on his life,

Please send Your Holy Spirit to him and fill and heal his heart and mind.
Hold him close in Your love.

 

[tawny]

Praying for your intentions

 

[Catholic1954]

Go to Student Services and ask them to refer you to a counselor who can help you deal with your anger issues. You do not really hate Catholics or the drunk driver who took your brother’s life; you are angry and grieving over the lost relationship you can not have with your brother. Deal with your anger first, then you can start to heal and forgive the man who killed your brother.

 

[LongingSoul]

When I was 15 years old, my 17 year old brother was killed by a drunk driver. He was walking home from a friend’s house on a Saturday evening when a man drove up on the curb and directly hit him with his vehicle. He then proceeded to drag his body 200 feet down the road before crashing into a fence.

Vince was such an intelligent guy. He was so much smarter and talented than I will ever be, even at my wisest. He was in the process of starting Northwestern University, he had a decent job for a teenager, and a loving girlfriend.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your brother and for the senseless and heartbreaking way it happened.

The justice system where I grew up was not fair by any means; he was only sentenced to 12 years in prison. We found out later that the drunk driver who murdered my brother was in the process of becoming a Catholic deacon. I was the only one who was bothered by this.

I didn’t know how to cope with this loss. I felt like I was alone. I was confused. And I was exceptionally hurt. When I turned 16, I earned my license and could drive by myself after 6 months. I started going to Mass every Saturday, to the same parish the murderer attended all his life. Once again, I was confused. I didn’t know what else to do. The parishioners seemed to revere this guy as saintly, which angered me. I always sat in the back corner and thought to myself. I never stood or spoke. I never looked at anyone, or shook anyone’s hand. I didn’t introduce myself or stay after for food. I stared and cried. I tried to understand why someone would do such a thing.

I think that the parishioners who knew this man will have been aware of his many good characteristics and contributions to their parish and perhaps could have been aware of an alcohol problem as well. It is natural to feel sympathy and support for someone you love who has done something wrong and also natural to feel sympathy for the victim in a less personal way since he was unknown to them.

Then, I started blaming all Catholics. By age 17, I would say that I absolutely detested Catholics, Catholicism, and the RCC. When I was a senior in high school, there was this Catholic kid who was the perfect example of a Catholic. He was nice to everyone and inclusive. Everyone liked him. But I was annoyed by him. Maybe because in my head, I couldn’t envision a Catholic as a gentle person, but rather as a murderer, an uncaring and unkind beast. I cornered him after school one day and I threatened him. He shoved me out of the way and I punched him in the mouth. We were both suspended for fighting. I’ve never spoken to him since that day.

Try and understand others in this way too. We can understand why you cornered, threatened and punched that innocent boy in the mouth (not that that is right) because we know what you’ve been through and the reaction comes from pain… but that boy maybe carries a confusion, hurt and resentment at the unfairness of your action towards *him *similar (obviously the death of your brother is much worse) to the confusion, hurt and resentment you have felt towards Catholics all these years.

One of the things we Catholics are meant to do regularly is to examine our consciences for the ways in which we have hurt God and our neighbour and be reconciled ritually in confession. This is not just about being forgiven by God, it is also an important way of becoming ‘forgivers’ ourselves. In the Our Father we ask God to ‘forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us’. Without contemplating our own sinfulness and hurt of others, we can’t be suitably humble in ourself to truly forgive others.

I’m now in college, and I wouldn’t say I hate Catholics anymore. However, I still have trouble interacting with them. I have no Catholic friends for a good reason. The worst part is that two of my roommates are Catholic. They’re not devout or even active by any means, but the thought that they have been confirmed, grew up saying the Nicene Creed, and went to private, Catholic schools gets under my skin.

I still go to Mass. Every Sunday actually. In fact, Mass ended an hour and a half ago. I just don’t know how to cope anymore. I only started going to figure out the truth. This is just how I have coped with things all these years. I feel weak and I don’t know who to turn to at this point. Does anyone have any advice? Can anyone relate?

You already seem to have picked up a lot about Catholicism on your journey… perhaps you feel confident enough to approach the Priest at that parish and talk to him about your grief and your journey?

God bless and comfort you and your family.

 

[St_Francis]

Wow, I can only imagine the pain you feel for the loss of your wonderful brother.

When I was a teenager, two of my friends died, and I still miss them, 35 years later. How much more must you miss your brother, and for him to have died in these circumstances must be so hard, to feel like things make no sense and count for so little.

Were you baptized Catholic, or have you been going to all these Masses as a non-Catholic because of your brother’s killer being Catholic?

You know, one of the ways I coped with some of my feelings was by talking about it. Do you know someone who is a person who would be able to help–usually older–with whom you could just pour out all your feelings of anguish, loss, anger? Sometimes containing everything inside of ourselves causes things to fester, just like a physical puncture wound that doesn’t get any air.

Additionally, maintaining a outer facade of being ok while being in so much pain on the inside can cause awful feelings of disconnection with the world and other people.

Now, one thing that a friend advised when I was very angry when someone had hurt me badly actually did help. I didn’t do it well, esp at first, but I prayed for him. Every time I felt angry with him, I prayed for him. For 6 months or more–you may jeed longer.

I didn’t pray for anything good to happen to him; I was totally unreligious. I just prayed for God to deal with him rather than me, because God was more powerful than I.

Therr comes a time when our wounds begin to heal. There is always a scar, that will never disappear, but you will begin to notice that life is still happening.

O, Heavenly Mother of God, you experienced the death of of your Son; you know the pain that Tyler is feeling. Pray for him and for his family, that the pain of the death of their brother and son Vince may feel God’s comfort. Pray for Vince’s soul, that he may rest in peace with his Heavenly Father–Amen

 

[the_phoenix]

You know, today’s sermon was on the topic of this thread … the priest gave example after example about how if someone else commits a crime or a sin, we tend to want that person to suffer the harshest penalty, whereas if we (or someone close to us, like a friend or family member) commit the same crime or sin, we want mercy shown … and that while we can know intellectually that Jesus forgives sins, it’s so much better to actually go to confession and hear the words of absolution and experience forgiveness.

But what I want to say is,
I’m very sorry for the loss of your brother,
and that he died in such a horrific way,
and what you had to deal with afterwards
from those who survived.

…

 

[Demetra2]

I am very sorry for your dear brother’s untimely death. He sounds like a very special person that you loved deeply. His loss was obviously very confusing and difficult for you and that is to be expected. It is very good that you are holding on to your faith by attending Mass every week. Quite often with our faith we have to just hold on even if we are confused and hurt. As the mother of twin daughters who died I am familiar with the shocking pain of losing someone who was too young to die.
I would recommend that you talk to your priest and get referred to a good grief counselor. You are holding on to a lot of pain and anguish and you need to get it out in a healthy way and a counselor can help you. If your parents need help, the group Compassionate Friends is a great resource.
Keep in mind that the person who killed your brother needs to be forgiven. That does not mean that you need to be friends with him or attend the same church. But it does mean that you should find a way to forgive him because that is ultimately the best path for YOU. I pray that someday you will forgive him. God bless.

 

[ZTyler93]

One thing I forgot to mention is that I am not Catholic. I come from a nonreligious family.

 

[Cristiano]

One thing I forgot to mention is that I am not Catholic. I come from a nonreligious family.

First I want to let you know that I am truly saddened by your loss. I completely undertsand your mixed feelings toward Catholics in general and in particular toward the man that killed your brother.
If I were in your position I would have such a strong reaction too. How can a man, supposedly one devoted to God, kill a young innocent man because of negligence? How can people still look at this negligent individual and praise him?
This is something wery hard to accept and while I have a lot of explanations to show that it is not unreasonable, they would not help you to cope at this point in time. Maybe later when you will be able to look at things from a more intellectual point of view we can talk about it, but now it is time for you to grieve and accept that a part of you has been ripped away together with your brother’s life.
You sound like a person that can show a lot of love and you deserve the love and support of people around you. Sadly most of us are not skilled enough to help you with processing your grief. I strongly suggest that you will find someone like a counselor that can sit there and listen to you expressing your sadnees, your anger, your confusion, someone that is not going to tell how to feel but just available to share in your misery.
Trust me that real Catholics will not be offended if you are mad at them for what you are going through, some will feel for your loss almost as if it were theirs. Just offer your anger and we will try to offer our compassion.

 

[Boy_Wonder]

I still go to Mass. Every Sunday actually. In fact, Mass ended an hour and a half ago. I just don’t know how to cope anymore. I only started going to figure out the truth. This is just how I have coped with things all these years. I feel weak and I don’t know who to turn to at this point. Does anyone have any advice? Can anyone relate?

First, let me express my deepest sympathy on the loss of your brother Vince. He sounds like an admirable young man. This is more than someone your age should have to deal with.

The church is not the problem. Neither are the people who know and support the man who killed your brother. Sometimes good people do bad things. This instance sounded like a serious lack of judgment on his part. It was not intentional. Twelve years is a significant sentence for involuntary manslaughter. Often such offenders receive much less time. No matter how much time he serves, it won’t bring your brother back, But you must understand that this man is facing a very stiff sentence. (I’m an attorney and this is one of the toughest sentences I’ve seen for a drunk driving fatality.) Moreover, this man’s life was ruined when he took your brother’s life. I’m sure the guilt is tearing him apart and will taint his spirit as long as he lives.

IMO, the best way to deal with this is:

1. Forgive the man who killed your brother. It sounds impossible, but God will help you. Your resentment and bitterness won’t have any effect on him but it will eat you up inside. Pray for the grace to let go of that. Jesus taught us to pray “and forgive us our trespasses AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO TRESPASS AGAINST US”. The measure in which we forgive is the measure with which we will be forgiven. Many survivors and victims have attested to the power of forgiving the one who harmed them or their loved one. Acceptance and forgiveness bring serenity and an increased awareness of the love and mercy God has for all of us.
2. If attending that parish reminds you of this situation, then please find another one where you’re more comfortable.
3. Find a good solid priest and speak with him about this. Get some spiritual direction. I also recommend a good therapist whose practice involves assisting the relatives of accident/crime victims process what has happened. You will learn tools to deal with this.

We can use devastating losses either to grow or to regress. In honor of Vince’s memory, please try to use his death as a way to grow closer to God and to become the Catholic adult God wants you to be. Finally please remember that sometimes things happen which break God’s heart. Your brother’s death was surely one of those events.

I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers.