Cosmetics and my crazy mother

[Allegra]

Okay, I know she’s from another time and all, but my mother is making me crazy over my upcoming nuptuals. I think she has contracted some sort of Wedding-induced Narcisicm Complex or something. She has always harrassed me about my looks and that’s nothing new, but she has taken this to a new level and it’s all over my hair and face. Basically, she wants me to color my hair and pile on several layers of cosmetics onto my face. For background info, I am not a plain girl and I frequently get compliments on my full, brown, curly hair, which I have never colored before. I do have some extra weight which my mother also likes to nag me about but seeing as neither of us have the money for liposuction she has given up that battle. (If she had the dough, I’d be strapped to a gurney by now.)

I do not want to wear make-up to my wedding. I don’t wear makeup and the only times I have in recent years is when I was is a play and when I was in my sister’s wedding. (and only because I meant to match the other bridesmaids) I don’t think I look as good in makeup as I do without it.

I hate eyeliner. I don’t think there is ANYONE who looks good in it. My mother drug me to the Lancome counter to show me some amazing “subtle” products. This grown woman with glitter all over her face smeared 1/8 inch of brown paint below and above my eyes. Then she smiled and said, “There, that’s makes your eyes pop!” I looked in the mirror. It looked like I’d been popped in the face twice.

I just don’t think that makeup looks good. A little light foundation or concealer if you have a pimple? Fine. Some colored gloss for shiny lips? Sure, okay, I can go for that. However, I do NOT want to go before God and man on my wedding day wearing a mask and fake looking hair! I’ve already said my piece on how I feel about clown Masses.

At any rate, my mother takes my lack of receptability to her cosmetic expertise as a direct insult. Thus far, she has wept. She has told me that she is wasting her time making me a dress because I’ll just look ugly anyway. She has called me immature and told me that “all GROWN women wear a full face of makeup.” She has told me that I think I’m better than everyone else. She has enlisted the nagging help of my stepmother, aunts, neighbors, sisters, and half of her yoga club. She has attempted to get my finace on her side. She has wept some more. She has stated that if the wedding was in my home state, she wouldn’t be able to attend because of the shame.

Can someone explain to me how some woman have got it into their heads that they have the right to bully other women into partipating in this rediculous practice of covering one’s face with paint and discoloring and flattening the life out of one’s hair? Personally, I think these unwritten rules of female grooming were designed by homely and insecure women in order to mask and uniform the natural beauty of their percieved competators. Most women do not need that stuff in order to look lovely. Most women are perfectly beautiful if they maintain proper hygiene, wear clothes that fit, and try to smile at people as often as possible.

How did we get to the point where we insist that we hide what God gave us in the first place? Why can’t women be supportive of each other instead of tearing each other down? When did bottled uniformity become superior to the natural beauty and diversity that God has bestowed upon female kind? And most importantly, when did a wedding become the mother-of-the-bride’s special day and not the bride’s?

PS- Before anyone attempts the “it’s just for the photographer” arguement, I’ll have you know that I wasn’t wearing a speck of cosmetics OR even hairspray for our engagement pictures and I’ve been told that the resulting photos are “breath-taking”. My fiance and I both have blue eyes and no one has every suggested that he needed to put on eyeliner or mascara to “make them pop”.

 

[bearkatjen]

It’s your wedding and therefore your decision. It’s okay for mothers to put their (name removed by moderator)ut in, but it’s not okay for a mother to bully her daughter, and I’m sorry your mother is doing that to you.

I like makeup. My husband says I don’t need it, but I feel better with some foundation to even out my skin tone. I wear it because I want to, and that’s the way it should be.

 

[EasterJoy]

It is time to take upon yourself the life-long work of dealing with relatives while preserving your right to self-determination as an adult. The willingness and ability to do this is indespensible to any married couple, and the ability to do it while avoiding unnecessary drama is a skill much to be sought after (although it may be the work of a lifetime in some families).

Do not argue with your mom about this. Most importantly: Do not defend yourself nor attack her ideas. Do not engage in any arguments about it, because you can’t win. You’ll “hurt her feelings” 800 times, and you still won’t change her mind. The only thing you can do is to make it clear that although you are willing to listen to her (name removed by moderator)ut, beyond that nothing she can think to do to force you to do what she wants will be anything but futile. You don’t have to demonstrate that you are right, in terms of defending your decisions with pros and cons. Rather, you *have the right *to make your own decisions without outside interference or manipulation and without the need to explain yourself to anybody, period. She can go on thinking you’re nuts, if she wants to, you can’t change that. What you can do is resolve to live your own life according to your own self-guidance and ask that people who don’t like it to keep their opinions to themselves.

Instead, thank her for her (name removed by moderator)ut and concern and then say, “no, thank you, but I’ve thought about it, and I won’t be doing that.” Why, she asks? “What do you mean, why? You’ve given me your advice, but I can decide on my own how I will be dressed and what cosmetics I do and don’t want to use, and that’s what I’m doing.” Repeat, repeat, repeat.

If she decides to throw a tearful tantrum, that is her problem. If anyone else lets her drag them into this, that is their problem. The only person who must defend your right to dress yourself according to your preferences and that of your husband-to-be is…your husband-to-be. You need to insist that he either back you up or diplomatically stay out of it, whichever he prefers. Everyone else can go fly a kite.

If your mother repeats the outrageous dig that she is wasting her time making you a dress and if she ever says that you will look ugly even one more time, tell her that if she doesn’t enjoy making you a dress, she should not do it, and you’ll find one yourself. There is no way a person, but especially a bride, should tolerate anyone, even her mother, telling her that she is ugly or will be ugly if she doesn’t let someone else take control of her. That is out of bounds, period. Make that line in the sand a moat, and put alligators in it.

If she’s already got the materials for this dress she is holding over your head, she’ll find that there are organizations that take wedding dresses in order to raise money for good causes. Her dress will not go to waste, but it will not suffice as the goods to accomplish blackmail, either.

If you’re old enough to marry, you’re old enough to dress yourself. If she’s old enough to be getting a son-in-law, she is old enough to learn to bite her tongue. There is no time better to get that message across than the present.

 

[the_phoenix]

She has stated that if the wedding was in my home state, she wouldn’t be able to attend because of the shame.

• handwritten note *

Dear Mom,

Due to unforeseen circumstances, the wedding is now being held in my home state.

Your loving daughter,



Well, that’s how I’d be tempted to handle it.

I’m with you on the cosmetics. The reason I ended up not wearing eye shadow to my brother’s wedding was because shortly before, it was discovered that I’m highly allergic to it. The bride wanted to throw a fit, but my health condition was on my side.

I can definitely relate to your situation, wish you the best, and know you’ll get some very good serious advice from the other posters.

May God bless you with a beautiful, peaceful, and happy wedding day. Prayers for you!



~~ the phoenix

 

[EasterJoy]

…I’ve already said my piece on how I feel about clown Masses…

…She has stated that if the wedding was in my home state, she wouldn’t be able to attend because of the shame…

…how some woman have got it into their heads that they have the right to bully other women…

…I think these unwritten rules of female grooming were designed by homely and insecure women…

…Why can’t women be supportive of each other instead of tearing each other down?..

Why, indeed?

Do you see where answering rhetoric like this or responding anything like in kind can do nothing but harm?

Do not argue aesthetics or the “rights” and “wrongs” of the fashion industry with your mother. You belong to two very different schools of thought that are not ever going to agree. Accept that. Let them dress their way, bite your tongue no matter how much make-up they put on or how ridiculous their fashions seem to you. Rather, just insist that they let you dress to suit yourself. That is the most likely route to peace you have.

 

[Catholic1954]

Your face, your hair, your wedding. Tell Mom thanks, but no thanks. Your wedding day is not the time to try out a new hairdo or expirement with makeup that you don’t usually wear. If she doesn’t want to make your wedding dress, fine; you can find a nice gown on Ebay or the classified ads. Personally, I think cosmetics were invented by men who wanted to sell them to insecure women looking for husbands.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Here’s a song you will LOVE.

More Beautiful You

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn’t straight her body isn’t fake
And she’s always felt overweight

Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are

[Chorus]
There could never be a more beautiful you
Don’t buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl twenty-one the things that you’ve already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you’ve got a man but he’s got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead

Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would never come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there’s a man whose love is true
And he’ll treat you like the jewel you are

[chorus]

So turn around you’re not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It’s not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who’s strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you’ll see through the eyes of a little girl
[chorus]

 

[Allegra]

The best advice always comes in song form.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

The best advice always comes in song form.

Yeah, doesn’t it?

I think your mom might like the Photoshop versions though.



Do what you want on your wedding day, because there could never be a more beautiful you.

 

[Allegra]

Why, indeed?

Do you see where answering rhetoric like this or responding anything like in kind can do nothing but harm?

Do not argue aesthetics or the “rights” and “wrongs” of the fashion industry with your mother. You belong to two very different schools of thought that are not ever going to agree. Accept that. Let them dress their way, bite your tongue no matter how much make-up they put on or how ridiculous their fashions seem to you. Rather, just insist that they let you dress to suit yourself. That is the most likely route to peace you have.

I don’t have to bite my tongue regarding what my mother wears. She already complains constantly that I don’t notice what she wears, and she’s right, I don’t. Just yesterday she got on my case about it. How could I possibly forget the dress she wore to my sister’s bridal shower and how it looked with her hair when she’d dyed it dark?!?! Ummm. I don’t know, I guess the vision it imprinted on my mind must have dimmed in the past three years. I don’t complain about what other people wear unless it smells bad. She says she’s planning on wearing a strapless red dress to my wedding. As long as they allow her in the church, I honestly don’t care.

 

[friendlymomma]

It is time to take upon yourself the life-long work of dealing with relatives while preserving your right to self-determination as an adult. The willingness and ability to do this is indespensible to any married couple, and the ability to do it while avoiding unnecessary drama is a skill much to be sought after (although it may be the work of a lifetime in some families).

Do not argue with your mom about this. Most importantly: Do not defend yourself nor attack her ideas. Do not engage in any arguments about it, because you can’t win. You’ll “hurt her feelings” 800 times, and you still won’t change her mind. The only thing you can do is to make it clear that although you are willing to listen to her (name removed by moderator)ut, beyond that nothing she can think to do to force you to do what she wants will be anything but futile. You don’t have to demonstrate that you are right, in terms of defending your decisions with pros and cons. Rather, you *have the right *to make your own decisions without outside interference or manipulation and without the need to explain yourself to anybody, period. She can go on thinking you’re nuts, if she wants to, you can’t change that. What you can do is resolve to live your own life according to your own self-guidance and ask that people who don’t like it to keep their opinions to themselves.

Instead, thank her for her (name removed by moderator)ut and concern and then say, “no, thank you, but I’ve thought about it, and I won’t be doing that.” Why, she asks? “What do you mean, why? You’ve given me your advice, but I can decide on my own how I will be dressed and what cosmetics I do and don’t want to use, and that’s what I’m doing.” Repeat, repeat, repeat.

If she decides to throw a tearful tantrum, that is her problem. If anyone else lets her drag them into this, that is their problem. The only person who must defend your right to dress yourself according to your preferences and that of your husband-to-be is…your husband-to-be. You need to insist that he either back you up or diplomatically stay out of it, whichever he prefers. Everyone else can go fly a kite.

If your mother repeats the outrageous dig that she is wasting her time making you a dress and if she ever says that you will look ugly even one more time, tell her that if she doesn’t enjoy making you a dress, she should not do it, and you’ll find one yourself. There is no way a person, but especially a bride, should tolerate anyone, even her mother, telling her that she is ugly or will be ugly if she doesn’t let someone else take control of her. That is out of bounds, period. Make that line in the sand a moat, and put alligators in it.

If she’s already got the materials for this dress she is holding over your head, she’ll find that there are organizations that take wedding dresses in order to raise money for good causes. Her dress will not go to waste, but it will not suffice as the goods to accomplish blackmail, either.

If you’re old enough to marry, you’re old enough to dress yourself. If she’s old enough to be getting a son-in-law, she is old enough to learn to bite her tongue. There is no time better to get that message across than the present.

I love it! Such good advice. And Easter Joy’s follow-up post is also spot-on.

 

[EasterJoy]

… Just yesterday she got on my case about it. How could I possibly forget the dress she wore to my sister’s bridal shower and how it looked with her hair when she’d dyed it dark!!! Ummm. I don’t know, I guess the vision it imprinted on my mind must have dimmed in the past three years…

That is not exactly biting your tongue. Besides, just because you remember differently doesn’t mean you don’t remember.

“I remember you seemed happy and fit and comfortable being yourself, not what you were wearing…but don’t they always say that if you do fashion right, people will remember you instead of your clothes or your make-up? Don’t you see, Mom? You succeeded!”

“Don’t forget that when I look into the mirror, I don’t just see how I look. I see how I feel inside. I know you are happy for me when you see me looking the way you like, I know you only want me to be happy, too, but I don’t necessarily feel the way you imagine you would feel if you looked in the mirror and saw the same thing. I’m only asking that you let me dress so I feel right, because I’m the only one who can judge that.”

 

[Allegra]

That is not exactly biting your tongue. Besides, just because you remember differently doesn’t mean you don’t remember.

“I remember you seemed happy and fit and comfortable being yourself, not what you were wearing…but don’t they always say that if you do fashion right, people will remember you instead of your clothes or your make-up? Don’t you see, Mom? You succeeded!”

“Don’t forget that when I look into the mirror, I don’t just see how I look. I see how I feel inside. I know you are happy for me when you see me looking the way you like, I know you only want me to be happy, too, but I don’t necessarily feel the way you imagine you would feel if you looked in the mirror and saw the same thing. I’m only asking that you let me dress so I feel right, because I’m the only one who can judge that.”

This is good advice, except that my mother doesn’t really want me to feel comfortable with myself. In fact, there is little that annoys her more than a woman who is comfortable with herself. She doesn’t see where they get the nerve to be comfortable when everyone else is so miserable. As I write this, I imagine it is coming off as sarcastic, but I’m actually very serious. We’ve had multiple conversations on it through the years. She equates high self-esteem with “snobbiness” and feels that such people deserve to be taken down a peg. She equates “comfortable” with “not giving a darn”. And when it comes right down to it, she’s not concerned with me being happy, she’s concerned with getting her way. This is not a subconcious thing either. She prides herself on her ability to manipulate others into giving in to her. She seems to think of that as some sort of talent.

I’ve been dealing with varying degrees of this for some time. (graduation, prom, father-daughter dance, 2nd grade talent show.) It used to reduce me to tears as a child because I had no say in the matter. However, now I can just smile and say, “You aren’t coloring my hair.” It’s just amazed me the tremendous extent she gone to for this event. (I guess I should of know, since it is the happiest day of my life and all.) The fact that she’s actually been able to enlist friends and relatives in her campaign of harrassment certainly knocked me for a loop. There is some good news in all this, however. She went after my fiance and he stood his ground (yay!) so at least I got a test of fire out of the deal.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

This is good advice, except that my mother doesn’t really want me to feel comfortable with myself. In fact, there is little that annoys her more than a woman who is comfortable with herself. She doesn’t see where they get the nerve to be comfortable when everyone else is so miserable. As I write this, I imagine it is coming off as sarcastic, but I’m actually very serious. We’ve had multiple conversations on it through the years. She equates high self-esteem with “snobbiness” and feels that such people deserve to be taken down a peg. She equates “comfortable” with “not giving a darn”. And when it comes right down to it, she’s not concerned with me being happy, she’s concerned with getting her way. This is not a subconcious thing either. She prides herself on her ability to manipulate others into giving in to her. She seems to think of that as some sort of talent.

I’ve been dealing with varying degrees of this for some time. (graduation, prom, father-daughter dance, 2nd grade talent show.) It used to reduce me to tears as a child because I had no say in the matter. However, now I can just smile and say, “You aren’t coloring my hair.” It’s just amazed me the tremendous extent she gone to for this event. (I guess I should of know, since it is the happiest day of my life and all.) The fact that she’s actually been able to enlist friends and relatives in her campaign of harrassment certainly knocked me for a loop. There is some good news in all this, however. She went after my fiance and he stood his ground (yay!) so at least I got a test of fire out of the deal.

Just one word.

Narcissist.

 

[Allegra]

Just one word.

Narcissist.

Just a little.

I should clarify that my mother does normally want me to be happy. It’s only when she gets into one of these power struggle moods that nothing else matters besides her winning.

 

[KCT]

. My mother drug me to the Lancome counter to show me some amazing “subtle” products. This grown woman with glitter all over her face smeared 1/8 inch of brown paint below and above my eyes.

Wow, your mom must be a physically strong woman. She dragged you to the counter then held you down in the chair while the store employee forcibly put make up on you.`

People can’t take advantage of us unless we let them. Stop letting her.

 

[Allegra]

That is not exactly biting your tongue.

What I meant is that I don’t comment on what she wears except when she asks me and half the time when she asks me I can’t remember what she wore anyway.

 

[Allegra]

Wow, your mom must be a physically strong woman. She dragged you to the counter then held you down in the chair while the store employee forcibly put make up on you.`

People can’t take advantage of us unless we let them. Stop letting her.

Obviously, she didn’t physically drag me. We were in the store looking for white shoes and she demanded that we stop and look at this amazing stuff that was nothing at all like the eyeliner I was thinking of and strode off toward the counter. I let her show me the stuff. It looked stupid. I washed it off. Now she can’t say I refused to even look at it. I do actually consider myself to be a reasonable person. Despite what some people have been told, I’m not refusing to wear it out of spite. I tried it and I really don’t think it looks good.

 

[Kathryn_Ann]

Dear Allegra,

How patient you are with someone who has berated you so many times, and how sad that this is your mother doing the harm. Bless you for your sense of humor. I imagine that’s what has kept you from barring the door when she comes over, and from blowing your stack.:slapfight:

You must be very lovely and young to need no makeup :angel1:and I congratulate you on that!
No one can MAKE you dye your hair or pile on heavy makeup. Go barefaced and blushing and everyone who resents that, well, you know the old saying. “Here’s to those who wish us well and all the rest can go…” :banghead:

Mind you, I’m from the old school too. :curtsey:But I would NEVER insult or treat my daughter this way. Derisive remarks, not accepting people for who they are can hurt people deeply.

I am also sorry that your only experience with makeup seems to have been with a heavily made up department store counter lady with glitter all over her face. There ARE subtleties in between.

Since you say that your face, looked fine “au naturelle”, in previous photos, you must be very lucky indeed. There are worlds of difference between make up “masked” looks and simple, light foundations. :angel1:The problem is, if you haven’t practiced with them and feel uncomfortable with them, you’ll only see the extremes of the issue, meaning either NO
makeup at all or a heavy Dolly Parton/Joker look.

It’s your face, your hair, your wedding. If I were in a similar situation, I might not have had your patience and compassion for a mother who insulted my looks. That said, if she attends, she will have to be made to understand and respect your feelings. As you mentioned, perhaps a hint of lip gloss, a light hint of blush :blush:might appease her. If you said “Mother, I love you, and only for you, I’ve actually found a little lip gloss and a bit of color, but you’re going to have to stop pushing the hair dyes and scary makeup ladies. I don’t want to look like Carol Channing made up for Broadway on my special day.”

If she persists in these tirades, you must find a way to love her, and sadly, keep her at arms length whenever she goes overboard. You wouldn’t want her to start in on any prospective grand-daughters like this. She needs serious help if she’s been insulting you like this for such a long time. How pitiful, to treat a cherished daughter as she has.

All prayers to a beautiful person on her wedding day!
Kathryn Ann:harp:

 

[Allegra]

Dear Allegra,

How patient you are with someone who has berated you so many times, and how sad that this is your mother doing the harm. Bless you for your sense of humor. I imagine that’s what has kept you from barring the door when she comes over, and from blowing your stack.:slapfight:

You must be very lovely and young to need no makeup :angel1:and I congratulate you on that!
No one can MAKE you dye your hair or pile on heavy makeup. Go barefaced and blushing and everyone who resents that, well, you know the old saying. “Here’s to those who wish us well and all the rest can go…” :banghead:

Mind you, I’m from the old school too. :curtsey:But I would NEVER insult or treat my daughter this way. Derisive remarks, not accepting people for who they are can hurt people deeply.

I am also sorry that your only experience with makeup seems to have been with a heavily made up department store counter lady with glitter all over her face. There ARE subtleties in between.

Since you say that your face, looked fine “au naturelle”, in previous photos, you must be very lucky indeed. There are worlds of difference between make up “masked” looks and simple, light foundations. :angel1:The problem is, if you haven’t practiced with them and feel uncomfortable with them, you’ll only see the extremes of the issue, meaning either NO
makeup at all or a heavy Dolly Parton/Joker look.

It’s your face, your hair, your wedding. If I were in a similar situation, I might not have had your patience and compassion for a mother who insulted my looks. That said, if she attends, she will have to be made to understand and respect your feelings. As you mentioned, perhaps a hint of lip gloss, a light hint of blush :blush:might appease her. If you said “Mother, I love you, and only for you, I’ve actually found a little lip gloss and a bit of color, but you’re going to have to stop pushing the hair dyes and scary makeup ladies. I don’t want to look like Carol Channing made up for Broadway on my special day.”

If she persists in these tirades, you must find a way to love her, and sadly, keep her at arms length whenever she goes overboard. You wouldn’t want her to start in on any prospective grand-daughters like this. She needs serious help if she’s been insulting you like this for such a long time. How pitiful, to treat a cherished daughter as she has.

All prayers to a beautiful person on her wedding day!
Kathryn Ann:harp:

Thanks for all your kind wishes, Kathryn Ann. I don’t know that I’d say I’m flawlessly gorgeous, but I don’t think I’m ugly either and I certainly don’t see how redrawing my facial features is necessary. As I’ve said, I’ll probably wear my regular moisturiser and some of that green goo that helps with redness. (I’ll certainly need that if my mother intends to make comments, but I’m hoping that so many people compliment her on her dress that she forgets about the makeup.) I’ll probably wear gloss on my lips and I might decide to use the stain underneath. I have no interest in lipstick or redrawing my lips. I’m NOT wearing eyeliner, eyeshadow, and probably not mascara. (From a practical standpoint, I don’t want to spend all night worrying about touching my face or crying.) A friend of mine suggested clear mascara, which I might consider. I have to look into it.