Cosmetics and my crazy mother

[EasterJoy]

I tried it and I really don’t think it looks good.

That was graciously indulgent of you, and more than fair to her. I think in future it would be fair to tell her that you’ll only try these things on the condition that she will give you the courtesy of letting you decide for yourself after you have done her the courtesy of trying it.

“OK, Mom, I will try it, but only if you promise–cross-your-heart-and-hope-to-die promise!–that you will let me decide if I like it and leave me alone about it if I don’t. No more hard-sell tactics. If you don’t keep that promise, this will be the last fashion adventure I ever let you drag me into. Fair enough? Good. Let’s go!”

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Why not give your mom the benefit of the doubt and try to see her actions as tring to get close to you as opposed to trying to control you.

It is pretty common for mothers and daughters to “bond” while preparing for a wedding over the dress and other “girly” things. Maybe she’s reading you incorrectly and not understanding why you don’t want make-up. Would you be as upset if a friend suggested seeing the cosmetic counter?

I had my makeup done for my wedding, My mom did too. She never wears makeup. She looked beautiful.

Maybe your mom thinks it would be a nice thing to do together.

 

[Allegra]

Why not give your mom the benefit of the doubt and try to see her actions as tring to get close to you as opposed to trying to control you.

It is pretty common for mothers and daughters to “bond” while preparing for a wedding over the dress and other “girly” things. Maybe she’s reading you incorrectly and not understanding why you don’t want make-up. Would you be as upset if a friend suggested seeing the cosmetic counter?

I had my makeup done for my wedding, My mom did too. She never wears makeup. She looked beautiful.

Maybe your mom thinks it would be a nice thing to do together.

Because I’m familiar with her previous work. I don’t have any friends that try to tell me they will be personally humiliated if I appear at my own wedding without my face being drawn over and my hair being dyed and streaked. You don’t see the difference between this and “suggesting seeing the cosmetic counter”? Frankly, I don’t have any friends who tell other people that they need makeup in the first place.

 

[EasterJoy]

Why not give your mom the benefit of the doubt and try to see her actions as tring to get close to you as opposed to trying to control you.

The mother who believes she is only trying to get close to her daughter, the mother who only wants her daughter to be happy, and the mother who is totally determined to control every significant decision that her daughter ever makes are not in mutually exclusive groups! These are circles on the Venn diagram of life that have A LOT of overlap!

The world is full of people who know they could make the whole planet a happy one if only the rest of the world would follow their directions. These are not all toxic people, but that is an entirely toxic and arrogant attitude. The love can be accepted as real without accepting that the toxic attitude that co-exists with it can never be separated from it.

Accept the love, reject the rejection, and do not accept the B.S. that rejection is actually love. Her mother may believe that, but that doesn’t make that cartload of “boorish sentiment” into the truth.

 

[EasterJoy]

I had my makeup done for my wedding, My mom did too. She never wears makeup. She looked beautiful.

OK, but would you have told your mother that you would be humiliated if she had chosen not to wear make-up? That the work you were doing to make her a dress was going to be a waste because she was going to be so ugly without the make-up? I somehow doubt that you would. Even less would you dare to do that if it had been your mother who was getting married!!

 

[defenderoftruth]

Okay, I know she’s from another time and all, but my mother is making me crazy over my upcoming nuptuals. I think she has contracted some sort of Wedding-induced Narcisicm Complex or something. She has always harrassed me about my looks and that’s nothing new, but she has taken this to a new level and it’s all over my hair and face. Basically, she wants me to color my hair and pile on several layers of cosmetics onto my face. For background info, I am not a plain girl and I frequently get compliments on my full, brown, curly hair, which I have never colored before. I do have some extra weight which my mother also likes to nag me about but seeing as neither of us have the money for liposuction she has given up that battle. (If she had the dough, I’d be strapped to a gurney by now.)

I do not want to wear make-up to my wedding. I don’t wear makeup and the only times I have in recent years is when I was is a play and when I was in my sister’s wedding. (and only because I meant to match the other bridesmaids) I don’t think I look as good in makeup as I do without it.

I hate eyeliner. I don’t think there is ANYONE who looks good in it. My mother drug me to the Lancome counter to show me some amazing “subtle” products. This grown woman with glitter all over her face smeared 1/8 inch of brown paint below and above my eyes. Then she smiled and said, “There, that’s makes your eyes pop!” I looked in the mirror. It looked like I’d been popped in the face twice.

I just don’t think that makeup looks good. A little light foundation or concealer if you have a pimple? Fine. Some colored gloss for shiny lips? Sure, okay, I can go for that. However, I do NOT want to go before God and man on my wedding day wearing a mask and fake looking hair! I’ve already said my piece on how I feel about clown Masses.

At any rate, my mother takes my lack of receptability to her cosmetic expertise as a direct insult. Thus far, she has wept. She has told me that she is wasting her time making me a dress because I’ll just look ugly anyway. She has called me immature and told me that “all GROWN women wear a full face of makeup.” She has told me that I think I’m better than everyone else. She has enlisted the nagging help of my stepmother, aunts, neighbors, sisters, and half of her yoga club. She has attempted to get my finace on her side. She has wept some more. She has stated that if the wedding was in my home state, she wouldn’t be able to attend because of the shame.

Can someone explain to me how some woman have got it into their heads that they have the right to bully other women into partipating in this rediculous practice of covering one’s face with paint and discoloring and flattening the life out of one’s hair? Personally, I think these unwritten rules of female grooming were designed by homely and insecure women in order to mask and uniform the natural beauty of their percieved competators. Most women do not need that stuff in order to look lovely. Most women are perfectly beautiful if they maintain proper hygiene, wear clothes that fit, and try to smile at people as often as possible.

How did we get to the point where we insist that we hide what God gave us in the first place? Why can’t women be supportive of each other instead of tearing each other down? When did bottled uniformity become superior to the natural beauty and diversity that God has bestowed upon female kind? And most importantly, when did a wedding become the mother-of-the-bride’s special day and not the bride’s?

PS- Before anyone attempts the “it’s just for the photographer” arguement, I’ll have you know that I wasn’t wearing a speck of cosmetics OR even hairspray for our engagement pictures and I’ve been told that the resulting photos are “breath-taking”. My fiance and I both have blue eyes and no one has every suggested that he needed to put on eyeliner or mascara to “make them pop”.

I read this aloud to my husband and we both laughed…I’m very anti-makeup and he thinks makeup is “trashy”…so we’re on your side.

my advice ignore her and if that doesn’t work tell her “whose wedding is it?..oh yeah that’s right MINE!”

 

[faithfully]

Wow, Toxic relationship.

I do think, “Thank you, NO”, is adequate. Repeat as Easter says.

A couple of things. If you don’t regularly wear makeup starting the day of your wedding is a TERRIBLE idea. You have no idea what you might be sensitive to. It would be awful if you ended up with a rash.

Also, you could even be allergic to the coloring agent in most hair dye. The only way to find out is to test. Google a few images of what a person’s head can look like after an allergic reaction sending them to ER. Not pretty.

Likely? Probably not, but you just don’t enforce this sort of thing on people.

Now… I think it would be really fun to just gob on a ton of make up and attend something for your mother. Maybe you could have a little bachelorette party. Wear a CRAZY amount of make up. Put on well but with extreme excess. Really long false eye lashes, top and bottom. I’d also have a huge Texas style do. Oh, and maybe some spray color/glitter. Hot pink. Don’t forget some gawdy bright red, can’t zip your own pants fake nails.

Can you keep a straight face? LOL! I’d work it big time. My mom would never ask again.

Maybe you could just keep showing up to your mother’s house with all these different styles. Tell her you’re testing them out for the wedding. She’ll just have to wait and see what you’re going to do for the wedding.

 

[Allegra]

The mother who believes she is only trying to get close to her daughter, the mother who only wants her daughter to be happy, and the mother who is totally determined to control every significant decision that her daughter ever makes are not in mutually exclusive groups! These are circles on the Venn diagram of life that have A LOT of overlap!

The world is full of people who know they could make the whole planet a happy one if only the rest of the world would follow their directions. These are not all toxic people, but that is an entirely toxic and arrogant attitude. The love can be accepted as real without accepting that the toxic attitude that co-exists with it can never be separated from it.

Accept the love, reject the rejection, and do not accept the B.S. that rejection is actually love. Her mother may believe that, but that doesn’t make that cartload of “boorish sentiment” into the truth.

And there’s the truth! Subject matter has alot to do with it. There are things we can enjoy together. (travelling, music, crafts, etc) But certain subject turn her into a snarling narcissict and I am suddenly no longer a person, but merely an extension of her property.

 

[faithfully]

I’m very anti-makeup and he thinks makeup is “trashy”…so we’re on your side.

This is why there is a fight. Name calling. Plenty of classy upstanding women wear make up. And with skill, and without looking trashy.

When women look trashy, it’s usually because they lack skill.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Wow, Toxic relationship.

I do think, “Thank you, NO”, is adequate. Repeat as Easter says.

A couple of things. If you don’t regularly wear makeup starting the day of your wedding is a TERRIBLE idea. You have no idea what you might be sensitive to. It would be awful if you ended up with a rash.

Also, you could even be allergic to the coloring agent in most hair dye. The only way to find out is to test. Google a few images of what a person’s head can look like after an allergic reaction sending them to ER. Not pretty.

Likely? Probably not, but you just don’t enforce this sort of thing on people.

Now… I think it would be really fun to just gob on a ton of make up and attend something for your mother. Maybe you could have a little bachelorette party. Wear a CRAZY amount of make up. Put on well but with extreme excess. Really long false eye lashes, top and bottom. I’d also have a huge Texas style do. Oh, and maybe some spray color/glitter. Hot pink. Don’t forget some gawdy bright red, can’t zip your own pants fake nails.

Can you keep a straight face? LOL! I’d work it big time. My mom would never ask again.

Maybe you could just keep showing up to your mother’s house with all these different styles. Tell her you’re testing them out for the wedding. She’ll just have to wait and see what you’re going to do for the wedding.

This could backfire, though, if Mom thought she looked lovely.

I think your first suggestion, to say, “Nope, Mom, not gonna do it,” was a great one. Good point about the allergic reaction too.

OP, just think of your wedding photos! Do you want to be in those pictures with a MASK on, which is what you will feel like, and that will come through in the pictures? Of course you don’t! You want your memories to be coherent with the photos - coherent with who YOU know yourself to be.

“Thanks for the suggestions, Mom, but no, I won’t be dying my hair nor will I be wearing makeup. Now, can we change the subject?”

 

[Allegra]

Wow, Toxic relationship.

I do think, “Thank you, NO”, is adequate. Repeat as Easter says.

A couple of things. If you don’t regularly wear makeup starting the day of your wedding is a TERRIBLE idea. You have no idea what you might be sensitive to. It would be awful if you ended up with a rash.

Also, you could even be allergic to the coloring agent in most hair dye. The only way to find out is to test. Google a few images of what a person’s head can look like after an allergic reaction sending them to ER. Not pretty.

Likely? Probably not, but you just don’t enforce this sort of thing on people.

Now… I think it would be really fun to just gob on a ton of make up and attend something for your mother. Maybe you could have a little bachelorette party. Wear a CRAZY amount of make up. Put on well but with extreme excess. Really long false eye lashes, top and bottom. I’d also have a huge Texas style do. Oh, and maybe some spray color/glitter. Hot pink. Don’t forget some gawdy bright red, can’t zip your own pants fake nails.

Can you keep a straight face? LOL! I’d work it big time. My mom would never ask again.

Maybe you could just keep showing up to your mother’s house with all these different styles. Tell her you’re testing them out for the wedding. She’ll just have to wait and see what you’re going to do for the wedding.

Hee Hee. Been there, done that. Junior prom. I thought I’d teacher her a lesson. She just roller her eyes and called my bluff. “Have a nice time.”
I am absolutely NOT coloring my hair, and I intend to try out anything I’m going to wear ahead of time. That’s the other problem. What she wants me to wear isn’t appropriate to wear to work, chruch, or anywhere else!

 

[faithfully]

Hee Hee. Been there, done that. Junior prom. I thought I’d teacher her a lesson. She just roller her eyes and called my bluff. “Have a nice time.”
I am absolutely NOT coloring my hair, and I intend to try out anything I’m going to wear ahead of time. That’s the other problem. What she wants me to wear isn’t appropriate to wear to work, chruch, or anywhere else!

LOL! I’m thinking you didn’t TRY HARD ENOUGH… Did you get to tammy faye? and I certainly wouldn’t call her bluff on your wedding day. I’d probably ban her from seeing you until you walk down the isle. Schedule yourself so that you just show up and walk down the isle.

 

[KCT]

Despite what some people have been told, I’m not refusing to wear it out of spite. I tried it and I really don’t think it looks good.

I don’t blame you; I’m not a big make up person.

Still, you might need to stop placating your mom. Say no and walk away.

 

[EasterJoy]

And there’s the truth! Subject matter has alot to do with it. There are things we can enjoy together. (travelling, music, crafts, etc) But certain subject turn her into a snarling narcissict and I am suddenly no longer a person, but merely an extension of her property.

You’re trying to be gracious, but drawing a line. Go with that; it is entirely in keeping with the demands of charity and the commandment to honor your mother.

I would not, however, try to argue with her. Don’t counter-accuse or try to justify your decisions; it will get you nowhere. Let her do all the snarling she insists on doing–not that you have to stick around to hear it!!-- but insist on dressing yourself. It is not as if your mother can really force you to do anything without some poor person in the beauty industry losing her license in the process!!

If you can have a sense of humor about this with her, sometimes that is disarming. I remember my brother used to tell me I was stupid, all of the time. One day, I finally threw it back with a bit of a twinkle: “You know what, you’re right. I must be the most stupid person you ever met. I don’t know how you can stand to be around me.” Just didn’t take him seriously any more and pointed out how over the top his attacks were. It was not how he saw the conversation going, and he soon gave up that sort of attacks.

If you cannot get away with that with your mom–and you are the best judge of that-- find some friend to go out with, maybe even your fiance, and relate the latest installment as one more you-won’t-believe-this-one humorous story for him or her. If you don’t make this something you will laugh at looking back, it will be nothing more than something you resent. If you can avoid making that kind of cardiac involvement in your mother’s blind spot, you will thank yourself later.

She may change, but you won’t change her. At any rate, this aspect of her personality is not about you. It is something inside of her, and it can’t feel good to have it in there. Repeat that to yourself often, but don’t let it spread to you.

 

[Kathryn_Ann]

Thanks for all your kind wishes, Kathryn Ann. I don’t know that I’d say I’m flawlessly gorgeous, but I don’t think I’m ugly either and I certainly don’t see how redrawing my facial features is necessary. As I’ve said, I’ll probably wear my regular moisturiser and some of that green goo that helps with redness. (I’ll certainly need that if my mother intends to make comments, but I’m hoping that so many people compliment her on her dress that she forgets about the makeup.) I’ll probably wear gloss on my lips and I might decide to use the stain underneath. I have no interest in lipstick or redrawing my lips. I’m NOT wearing eyeliner, eyeshadow, and probably not mascara. (From a practical standpoint, I don’t want to spend all night worrying about touching my face or crying.) A friend of mine suggested clear mascara, which I might consider. I have to look into it.

Bless you, Dear Allegra, you sound like such a patient daughter, and I really believe that your sense of humor and sense of fairness are amazing, and these traits will keep you in good stead all your life. I like your idea about fussing a bit over your mother’s outfit. That’s actually an interesting idea.:curtsey: I wonder if you guided her towards focusing on herself, that might relieve the pressure on you, during this important time in your life.

Your new husband:knight1: may already have some idea of what he’s in for with his mother- in -law to- be. I believe I’ve heard some experts advise that each person will address issues with his or her own parents. In other words, if your mother begins to interfere with other things after you’re married, that you stand up for your marriage by addressing your mother yourself. If his parents, for some reason, have issues, your husband will address that and stand up for you, and for the two of you as a couple.

As to your makeup ideas: Yes, mascara can run, unless you have a truly waterproof one.
Young ladies these days often opt out of all the makeup and that’s fine. Some people of the old school go overboard sometimes, and it IS scary to see anyone overly made up.

It’s YOUR DAY, and I hope you are surrounded by joyful friends:grouphug: leading up to the wedding date, and that your dear mother will begin to realize what a truly beautiful daughter she has, after all, raised, someone of whom she should be so very proud.

I have witnessed and experienced miracles, changes of heart that have amazed me. People can change, and sometimes, love between even the most tempestuous mother-daughter relationships can bloom if given half a chance. In every case I have experienced these turn- around moments, it is thanks to the person full of forgiveness and someone who has a salvific sense of humor. Sometimes a sense of the absurd and a willingness to laugh when you want to cry is the beginning of something that can turn into joy.

As long as you know how lovely you already are, you will feel only compassion and pity for anyone who doubts this. There must be something good about a mother who raised someone so willing to forgive, and I wish for all the world that she will someday realize this.

Please remember Christ’s words: Someone asked Him why He spent so much time with misfits and troublemakers. I often imagine His beautiful face as He answered, saying, full of compassion: “I came not to call the righteous, but sinners:slapfight: to repentance.”

In addition, there is one Bible phrase that always brings tears to my eyes: Christ said
“The whole (those who are ill/sin ridden,:crutches: twisted in spirit) have no need of a physician.”

How he loves us all, in all our sins and deficiencies! Your mother may come around or she may not, but we are all beloved of God. My prayer is that whatever spiritual flaw keeps her from rejoicing in such a beautiful:angel1: daughter will be healed by our Great Physician.

God is great! He can do it! And I wish you and your fiance’ all the best. He is a very lucky man.
Kathryn Ann:heaven:

 

[EasterJoy]

Hee Hee. Been there, done that. Junior prom. I thought I’d teacher her a lesson. She just roller her eyes and called my bluff. “Have a nice time.”
I am absolutely NOT coloring my hair, and I intend to try out anything I’m going to wear ahead of time. That’s the other problem. What she wants me to wear isn’t appropriate to wear to work, chruch, or anywhere else!

Oh, but don’t fashion slaves always always always have been there, done that’s of their own? Any camera bugs in your family, Allegra dear?

“Mom, I’m supposed to be the Bridezilla, not you! Be nice, or I’ll bring pictures of you from the '80s and sneak them into the slide show at the wedding. Oh YEAH…I may have forgotten the red dress, but I can make sure everybody remembers that neon one again!! Hoo, hoo! Shoulder Pads from Deep Space Nine, remember those?! Ooo, and remember back when you used to have the big hair? Was that Dolly or Farrah?..”

She may be a little more thankful for your usual memory, after that.

 

[Marie5890]

“Mom, I love you and appreciate all you have done for me over the years. Need to make an adult-to-adult healthy clear boundery now, and I need you to listen.”

Then be very clear. Dont be wishy washy. Dont need to be rude or mean but you can be firm.

All adults need to set healthy boundries. That includes within families.

You are going to be a married woman. Might as well as start practicing this skill.

Best of luck and God Bless your marriage!!!

 

[EasterJoy]

You are going to be a married woman. Might as well as start practicing this skill.

That puts it in a nutshell: It is a skill most couples need at some time or another, in ways they never did before they married.