Could anyone help me through my husband's

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Hi. I know I am new here but I really need to talk to someone who is in or has been in the situation I am in. My husband has a sexual addiction (MB). As far as I know, this is the only addiction he has. That is what he has told me so I have to believe him. He is trying to get help for this but in the meantime it is putting a strain on our marriage. He spends all his extra time looking things up and writing things down, he is very irritable, moody and depressed because of this addiction. I am supposed to be his support person but he only calls me after he has done something. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this and it is weighing heavy on my heart. He has had this problem before we married which I did not find out about until about a year ago. If anybody has any words of encouragement I would appreciate it. I know this is not an everyday topic but I feel alone. Thank you!
 
I am sorry for the pain in your marriage this is causing. Many people on this board can empathize. The Moral Theology forum has several threads full of masturbation resources.

Admitting the problem and bringing this up to you demonstrates that he at least admits he has a problem and wants to fix it. Would he be willing to join a support group or something?

Prayers coming your way!
V
 
I’ll probably be shot about this but something for you to consider.

Helping your husband get to heaven is one of your primary charges as his wife. Knowing of his weakness, you must do all you can to help him overcome this addiction. While prayer (yours and his), counseling and just encouraging his God-given will to abstain will all be helpful, may I suggest that you not only consent to the marital embrace more often but initiate it to the point that he loses interest in the sinful alternative. While you may not always be in the mood, your sacrifice can then be offered up for graces to be bestowed on you, your husband and your marriage.

One of the primary graces from the congugal act is to better unite man and female and if it helps eliminate this divisive sin, I believe your marraige will be better. I’m reminded of a Priest giving a talk on sex after the procreative years and how he encouraged post-menopausal women to be as amorous as they were when the were younger (possibly not as often 😉 ) as a means to let your husband know that he is still the sexiest man they know.
 
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Orionthehunter:
I’ll probably be shot about this but something for you to consider.
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I’m not shooting you, just offering a counter-argument, or a caution rather.

Replacing one sin (masturbation) with another (lustful sex) really hasn’t solved anything. The wife must be careful not to use her own sexuality as bribery for not masturbating. The sex initiated more often by the wife may not be lustful, but I think they would be walking on thin ice here. If the husband gets an inkling of what she’s trying to do, he may retaliate, or he could be oblivious and become addicted to sex instead of masturbation.

It is not beneficial to trade one sin (self-abuse) for another (abuse of your spouse). This really isn’t a permanent solution, IMO.
 
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vluvski:
I’m not shooting you, just offering a counter-argument, or a caution rather.

Replacing one sin (masturbation) with another (lustful sex) really hasn’t solved anything. The wife must be careful not to use her own sexuality as bribery for not masturbating. The sex initiated more often by the wife may not be lustful, but I think they would be walking on thin ice here. If the husband gets an inkling of what she’s trying to do, he may retaliate, or he could be oblivious and become addicted to sex instead of masturbation.

It is not beneficial to trade one sin (self-abuse) for another (abuse of your spouse). This really isn’t a permanent solution, IMO.
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I agree. It doesn’t solve the problem, it just changes it. What happens when he goes away on business for a week?
 
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vluvski:
I’m not shooting you, just offering a counter-argument, or a caution rather.

Replacing one sin (masturbation) with another (lustful sex) really hasn’t solved anything. The wife must be careful not to use her own sexuality as bribery for not masturbating. The sex initiated more often by the wife may not be lustful, but I think they would be walking on thin ice here. If the husband gets an inkling of what she’s trying to do, he may retaliate, or he could be oblivious and become addicted to sex instead of masturbation.

It is not beneficial to trade one sin (self-abuse) for another (abuse of your spouse). This really isn’t a permanent solution, IMO.
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I’m not advocating substituting abuses and I acknowledget that intent is important and it is just one of possibly many things (including prayer, counseling, etc.) that can be done as her husband works to overcome his sin. I’m just appealing that if approached with love for her husband, substituting a holy act to discourage an unholy act is good. There are times that I without unholy lust want to express myself in the marital act when my wife assents despite her being less in the “mood” and vice versa. If we both waited for both of us to be in the mood, we’d have sex alot less and both of us agree that the assenting for the other is good for our marriage. (If we knew how much “assenting” for the other were required to be happily married before we got married, there would be alot more people livign the single life 😃 )

Sidebar: The other side to the story I mentioned earlier about the Priest talking about sex after procreation is no longer a possibility, he also talked about how good it is when the husband physically expresses that he still finds his wife beautiful as he did on his wedding night even though both are 30 lbs. heavier and no longer as “crisp as an ironed sheet” (his actual words or close to it 🙂 )
 
I am sorry to hear about your situation. I believe that what your marrriage needs most as starting point is outside support/resources to deal with the situation. I have done a quick compilation that I hope is helpful. I will keep you in my prayers.

Here is web site link to a Christian ministry www.dads.org that offers practical suggestions for individuals with addiction to pornography and their spouses:

dads.org/strugglewithporn.asp – help for those struggling with addiction to pornography

dads.org/article.asp?artId=243 – Resources for Wives Whose Husbands are Addicted to Pornography

Here is another web link for those struggling with sexual addiction:

www.sexaddict.com

sexaddict.com/HusAddict.html – Is your spouse a sex addict?

This is CA forum link for:List of Catholic Websites for Battling Impurity

Here are a couple of previous CA threads by women who found themselves in similar situations in their marriages:

Terrible First 3 months of Marriage( 1 2 )

Porn problem - my husband wants an ultimatum
 
You haven’t mentioned if your husband is a man of faith. If so, he might try putting a picture of Mary in the bathroom or bedroom and look at his Mom when he feels tempted.

He may try praying to some of the saints, St. Augustine lived a wild life before his conversion.

Also, I remember reading that when you feel tempted to sin, it is usually that we are trying to make ourselves feel better with something that is false and fleeting instead of turning to the One Who loves us more than anything. God longs for intimacy with us. As St. Augustine said “Our souls are restless until they rest in Thee, O God.”
 
Thank you all for your responses and tips. I do want to clarify that my husband is NOT addicted to porn or anything else. Just MB. He is also a lifelong Catholic. Seems like since I have found out and he has really been putting forth the effort to control this addiction that it has become so much more harder. It’s as if the Devil is working extra hard to keep him from doing the will of God. God bless you all and thanks!
 
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truthful:
Thank you all for your responses and tips. I do want to clarify that my husband is NOT addicted to porn or anything else. Just MB. He is also a lifelong Catholic. Seems like since I have found out and he has really been putting forth the effort to control this addiction that it has become so much more harder. It’s as if the Devil is working extra hard to keep him from doing the will of God. God bless you all and thanks!
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Yes, that’s generally what the devil tries to do.
“The darkest hour is just before dawn.”
Satan gets desperate to win us back when we start back down the right path. Don’t give up hope!
 
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Orionthehunter:
I’m not advocating substituting abuses and I acknowledget that intent is important and it is just one of possibly many things (including prayer, counseling, etc.) that can be done as her husband works to overcome his sin. I’m just appealing that if approached with love for her husband, substituting a holy act to discourage an unholy act is good. There are times that I without unholy lust want to express myself in the marital act when my wife assents despite her being less in the “mood” and vice versa. If we both waited for both of us to be in the mood, we’d have sex alot less and both of us agree that the assenting for the other is good for our marriage. (If we knew how much “assenting” for the other were required to be happily married before we got married, there would be alot more people livign the single life 😃 )

Sidebar: The other side to the story I mentioned earlier about the Priest talking about sex after procreation is no longer a possibility, he also talked about how good it is when the husband physically expresses that he still finds his wife beautiful as he did on his wedding night even though both are 30 lbs. heavier and no longer as “crisp as an ironed sheet” (his actual words or close to it 🙂 )
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I must say I agree with you in a way. I think being sensitive to the fact that a man’s body works different than a woman’s can help, making yourself willing to receive him when he truly wants to express his love, even if you are not in the mood (I’m not saying you don’t do this, nor am I asking you to share whether you do or not, just thought I would mention it just in case).

With that said, prayer and confession (and the Eucharist if prepared for It ie Sacraments) can be his great weapons against the devil. Some other things that can be done are putting items such as a crucifix to remind him of his cross or a picture/icon of the Virgin (like Didi suggested) in the places where he usually falls the easiest. These may serve him as reminders. Also, encourage him to pray Hail Mary’s or other prayers right when he is feeling tempted. You could also ask him to call you or go to you when he feels tempted and together you can pray or you can talk about something else to distract him.
 
Christopher West recommends assuming a cruciform bodily position from which one cannot masturbate.
“You’ll hear Satan tell you, ‘get off the cross,’ just like they told Jesus at the crucifixion.”
Stay on the cross until the temptation has passed, until you suffer a ‘physical death’ to that temptation, thus achieving ‘spiritual life.’
 
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vluvski:
Christopher West recommends assuming a cruciform bodily position from which one cannot masturbate.
“You’ll hear Satan tell you, ‘get off the cross,’ just like they told Jesus at the crucifixion.”
Stay on the cross until the temptation has passed, until you suffer a ‘physical death’ to that temptation, thus achieving ‘spiritual life.’
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That’s good advice. I assume, of course, that one is praying the entire time. That with the picture of Mary (and maybe a Crucifix?) should help a lot. Especially since he is sincerely wanting to stop.
 
The definition of an addict is someone who cannot stop on their own. Willpower, pictures, positons, and so forth will not work for any addict, regardless of the drug of choice.

If your husband wants to stop but cannot … there is a solution. And he is not the only Catholic man (or woman) who has this problem.

www.sa.org

SA is a 12-step program and is the closest to Catholic moral teaching of all the “S” 12-step groups.

Addicts are spiritually dead, even if they attend church regularly. Coming back to life is painful and having guides who have “been there and done that” make the difference between success and failure.

Good luck to you both.
 
B a r b:
The definition of an addict is someone who cannot stop on their own. Willpower, pictures, positons, and so forth will not work for any addict, regardless of the drug of choice.
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We never suggested he could stop on his own. He can’t. Jesus can. We must never forget that. Jesus will never forsake us, it is we who forsake Jesus. These reminders help us not to leave him. It is Jesus who will win this battle. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
 
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trumpet152:
We never suggested he could stop on his own. He can’t. Jesus can. We must never forget that. Jesus will never forsake us, it is we who forsake Jesus. These reminders help us not to leave him. It is Jesus who will win this battle. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
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I’m sorry I misunderstood. I agree completely that sobriety from any addictive substance or activity is a free, undeserved gift from God. You have to be in the right spiritual condition to receive this gift though.

In my experience, those reminders don’t work for addicts. It’s not that they aren’t good in and of themselves, it’s that addicts are so spiritually bereft that it’s like giving a five-year-old a college level book on prayer. The book may be great, but the child will have to mature, learn, and grow before he or she can read, understand, and apply its principles.

Twelve-step programs work for many people. It’s certainly worth a try. If it doesn’t work, you can always quit. Many religious people find God in twelve-step fellowships. That experience informs and enriches their contact with God in His house of worship.
 
What I have found helpful in a variety of troublesome circumstances is a non-stop litany of silent Hail Mary’s. It’s easy to do, virtually automatic, and I have found this practice to be tremendously helpful.

Try it in some innocuous situation… a seemingly endless supermarket check-out line, or when driving in nasty traffi or when the phone doesn’t stop ringing.
 
12 step programs are nothing more than behavior modification programs. To say that an addict can’t help themselves, but if they do a 12 step method they can help themselves doesn’t make sense to me. All of the above suggestions can work to change behavior, with the added advantage that prayer is a powerful help (real and concrete, not just a psychological tool).

That he has come forward and spoken to you about this, that he has expressed a sincere desire to stop…you have already won more than half the battle. Hang in there, the Lord will not abandon you.
 
Twelve step programs are way more than behavior modification programs. They offer a way out of the living hell of spiritual death that is the condition of any addict who is living in his or her addiction.

Besides, prayer is an integral part of every single 12-step program in existence.
 
Know that you are not alone. I remember at our prayer meeting hearing many of our homeschooling fathers share on past sexual addictions of various forms. So many God-serving men have a past history of this sin that they struggle with. In our talks with our son, who is now 14, we have spoken about the sins of lust and how satan may use the very beautiful desires that are to be rightly directed at his wife, in a negative, disordered way. And we know society backs this 120%!!!
It is a tough battle, but your husband will have victory! Use the sacraments also. Many battles that my husband and I have waged for our marriage were healed at a healing Mass. I could not move forward through some of his issues without great healing from being prayed with by a priest with a healing ministry. I would feel the pain and resentment and know that the greatest cure for me would be a spiritual healing. My marriage would have never succeeded if I had not receive the healing of Christ at a healing Mass or in the Eucharist. This is a spiritual demon. And there are priests who have great success in fighting this demon with their special gifts!

God will bless your marriage and reward you for YOUR obedience and self sacrifice.
 
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