Could I be called to a celibate life?

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lovedance4ever

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I’ve always had a longing for a boyfriend, and then of course, eventually married life. Many of you know this from my previous posts. But, over the past little bit of time, I have been experiencing some strange feelings.

The first time this happened, I was 17. I went out on a date with a guy, and as we were about to leave, he surprised me and tried to kiss me on the lips. I was so surprised and uncomfortable, that I kinda moved my face so he got me half on the lips and half on the cheek. It didn’t feel good at all; I was actually scared and uneasy.

I figured I was like this because I was pretty young at the time, so I blew it off. Well, now I am 20 and I have been dating again. And I feel the very same way. Physical contact of any sort with a guy makes me feel really uncomfortable, whether he has his arm around my shoulders, tries to hold my hand, or hug me. Kissing…that is actually something I fear. Not to mention the thought of sexual intercourse. The idea of having to do that with my future husband frightens me.

When I was 10, I was sexually molested by a neighborhood boy. I have no idea if this relates to my current problem. But it did happen, and at the time, I felt horribly violated.

Now, if a guy tries to talk flirtatiously with me, it just makes me feel uncomfortable and I close off. Another thing is, I don’t get “those” feelings. I never have any sort of sexual urges that I can think of. It just hasn’t been a temptation for me, and while I feel like that is a blessing of sorts, I am also beginning to wonder if there is something wrong with - or different about - me. It’s not that I can control myself - I don’t have urges at all.

Anyhow, does anyone else feel this way? Or…is there any advice you could offer? Could I be called to a celibate life? Or have I just not met the “right one” yet?
 
You didn’t say if you have ever talked to anyone about being molested, if not you should. Being abused colors your outlook on life in very unhealthy ways and I think it would be important to deal with it first.

I don’t think that fear of physical contact is really a good indication of a calling to celibacy. A desire to avoid certain types of contact because they are inherently sinful is a good thing. So would avoiding contact because it is not in keeping with a call to celibacy. But this is very different from avoiding contact out of fear or loathing.

I’m not suggesting that you don’t have a calling, only that you need to explore it carefully, based on your background.

Do you have a good relationship with your priest, or know any sisters or nuns you could speak to? It might help you get perspective.
 
I’d say you’d be right. Though ‘called’ is a moot point. I’d say it was your natural state.

Not everyone has the natural urges that are usually translated at being called to marriage.

My mother was like you in not wanting to be touched by a man, and not enjoying sex, but she married because she wanted a child. The result was - a loveless marriage, a miserable husband who went without sex from my early years to his death - 35 years of frustration, loveless, which transmuted into hate for the child - me.

If you are not attracted to the physical side of affection, and do not have the need to be loved by a man, you’d be better off planning a single life. There is a lot to be said for being single - a freedom to do what you want, to travel, to move house whenever you like, without consideration to your spouse’s job or the children’s schooling. You are free to help others without taking time from you family, to go wherever in the world you are needed most.

Enjoy the life that seems right for you. God bless.
 
I do agree that to marry someone without having any desire for physical contact would be a bad thing. I’m also pretty sure, based on a few annulment cases I’ve known about, that it wouldn’t be viewed by the Church as a true marriage anyway.
 
lovedance4ever said:
I’ve always had a longing for a boyfriend, and then of course, eventually married life. Many of you know this from my previous posts. But, over the past little bit of time, I have been experiencing some strange feelings.

The first time this happened, I was 17. I went out on a date with a guy, and as we were about to leave, he surprised me and tried to kiss me on the lips. I was so surprised and uncomfortable, that I kinda moved my face so he got me half on the lips and half on the cheek. It didn’t feel good at all; I was actually scared and uneasy.

I figured I was like this because I was pretty young at the time, so I blew it off. Well, now I am 20 and I have been dating again. And I feel the very same way. Physical contact of any sort with a guy makes me feel really uncomfortable, whether he has his arm around my shoulders, tries to hold my hand, or hug me. Kissing…that is actually something I fear. Not to mention the thought of sexual intercourse. The idea of having to do that with my future husband frightens me.

When I was 10, I was sexually molested by a neighborhood boy. I have no idea if this relates to my current problem. But it did happen, and at the time, I felt horribly violated.

Now, if a guy tries to talk flirtatiously with me, it just makes me feel uncomfortable and I close off. Another thing is, I don’t get “those” feelings. I never have any sort of sexual urges that I can think of. It just hasn’t been a temptation for me, and while I feel like that is a blessing of sorts, I am also beginning to wonder if there is something wrong with - or different about - me. It’s not that I can control myself - I don’t have urges at all.

Anyhow, does anyone else feel this way? Or…is there any advice you could offer? Could I be called to a celibate life? Or have I just not met the “right one” yet?
Click to expand...
Praying to the Holy Spirit to give you guidance & direction.
 
Have you sought any counseling related to the sexual abuse? I only ask because what you describe (avoidance of intimacy or even possible intimacy) is a very common reaction of persons who have been violated by sexual abuse.

Celibacy is not about “not wanting to have sex” or feeling uncomfortable with the thought of intercourse. Celibacy is about having all the natural sexual desires for sex, love, children, marriage, but setting them aside to follow Jesus and commit your life to serving Him instead.
 
I’m sort of the same way and I’m quite sure I was abused when I was very young, too young in fact to remember by who. But I know something happened to me. I think these feelings are natural for people like us but I pray they’ll disapear once we meet the person we’re meant to be with. Here’s a few prayers for the both of us…

Pater Noster…
Ave Maria…
Gloria Patri…

:gopray2:
 
lovedance4ever asks : "Or…is there any advice you could offer? Could I be called to a celibate life? Or have I just not met the “right one” yet?"

First, there are Millions and Millions of females who NEVER get married (most of them were never asked).
So, living a celibate Life is what a lot of people have as their Default.
Of course, a person can fornicate, if she wants, but that is not promoted by the Catholic Church.
So, if a practicing Catholic cannot find someone who will marry her, then I believe that Jesus has called her out to live a Life of Celibacy (so far).

Second, many girls who were once Molested turn to homosexuality.
In this perspective, a woman may live the rest of her Life as a Celibate person (technically).

Third, in answer to "Or have I just not met the “right one” yet?"
This is the same question a girl may come up with on her 10th birthday … where is Mr Right?
To many females, this question KEEPS repeating itself again and again.
The only time it Stops is LONG after she meets Mr. Right … it ends at the Altar, right after a couple of "I DO"s.
The Honeymoon begins, and her Celibacy is gone.

So, no matter what you think now.
Whether you decide to concede that you will never Marry.
If and when that CERTAIN man appears, all previous plans will be thrown out of the Window.
What “flirtatious” conversations used to bother you, will now be OK … maybe even very exciting.
Those feelings that you are afraid of … will begin to seem more natural.
 
Praying for you. You need good counseling to heal from the trauma of assault. After
that, you will better be able to discern the state of life you are called to. God bless you.
Prayer will help too.
 
You definitely could be called to live as a single person.

Although, right now, with your terrible health problems you probably are much more consumed by doctor’s visits and trying to find treatment options, etc. There’s time to decide the other stuff when you are well again.
 
If you were molested, it definitely makes sense that you would feel uncomfortable getting physical with men. I don’t have personal experience with this, but I have read a lot about it. Do you have a counselor to talk with about relationships? Therapy is a great way to heal your mind. Still, it could take years before you start to feel comfortable becoming close to a man. Think about whether you want to spend the rest of your life solely loving God or loving God through a husband. The fact that you pursue dating seems to me you are interested in love and marriage. You just have these memories that you can’t get past. You can be healed if you really want to be. Prayer helps a lot here too. All is possible with God.
 
If you ever want to be married and have children, you must deal with this, no two ways about that. Most men marry not only to be husbands and fathers, but also to have access to sex the Church-sanctioned way. Do not think you can take that away from them and believe there will be no negative consequences for doing so.

Perhaps it is better to accept a celibate life if you do not believe you are capable of letting a husband touch you and have sex with you; that is your decision to discern. Pray…
 
lovedance4ever said:
I’ve always had a longing for a boyfriend, and then of course, eventually married life. Many of you know this from my previous posts. But, over the past little bit of time, I have been experiencing some strange feelings.

The first time this happened, I was 17. I went out on a date with a guy, and as we were about to leave, he surprised me and tried to kiss me on the lips. I was so surprised and uncomfortable, that I kinda moved my face so he got me half on the lips and half on the cheek. It didn’t feel good at all; I was actually scared and uneasy.

I figured I was like this because I was pretty young at the time, so I blew it off. Well, now I am 20 and I have been dating again. And I feel the very same way. Physical contact of any sort with a guy makes me feel really uncomfortable, whether he has his arm around my shoulders, tries to hold my hand, or hug me. Kissing…that is actually something I fear. Not to mention the thought of sexual intercourse. The idea of having to do that with my future husband frightens me.

When I was 10, I was sexually molested by a neighborhood boy. I have no idea if this relates to my current problem. But it did happen, and at the time, I felt horribly violated.

Now, if a guy tries to talk flirtatiously with me, it just makes me feel uncomfortable and I close off. Another thing is, I don’t get “those” feelings. I never have any sort of sexual urges that I can think of. It just hasn’t been a temptation for me, and while I feel like that is a blessing of sorts, I am also beginning to wonder if there is something wrong with - or different about - me. It’s not that I can control myself - I don’t have urges at all.

Anyhow, does anyone else feel this way? Or…is there any advice you could offer? Could I be called to a celibate life? Or have I just not met the “right one” yet?
Click to expand...
I suggest therapy for dealing with being molested, the fear of physical contact may go away.
 
lovedance4ever said:
I’ve always had a longing for a boyfriend, and then of course, eventually married life. Many of you know this from my previous posts. But, over the past little bit of time, I have been experiencing some strange feelings.

The first time this happened, I was 17. I went out on a date with a guy, and as we were about to leave, he surprised me and tried to kiss me on the lips. I was so surprised and uncomfortable, that I kinda moved my face so he got me half on the lips and half on the cheek. It didn’t feel good at all; I was actually scared and uneasy.

I figured I was like this because I was pretty young at the time, so I blew it off. Well, now I am 20 and I have been dating again. And I feel the very same way. Physical contact of any sort with a guy makes me feel really uncomfortable, whether he has his arm around my shoulders, tries to hold my hand, or hug me. Kissing…that is actually something I fear. Not to mention the thought of sexual intercourse. The idea of having to do that with my future husband frightens me.

When I was 10, I was sexually molested by a neighborhood boy. I have no idea if this relates to my current problem. But it did happen, and at the time, I felt horribly violated.

Now, if a guy tries to talk flirtatiously with me, it just makes me feel uncomfortable and I close off. Another thing is, I don’t get “those” feelings. I never have any sort of sexual urges that I can think of. It just hasn’t been a temptation for me, and while I feel like that is a blessing of sorts, I am also beginning to wonder if there is something wrong with - or different about - me. It’s not that I can control myself - I don’t have urges at all.

Anyhow, does anyone else feel this way? Or…is there any advice you could offer? Could I be called to a celibate life? Or have I just not met the “right one” yet?
Click to expand...
you need to get some counseling for the past rape. You also have alot of other issues on your plate with your father and your health. Instead of worrying about this, you should focus on getting your health back, finishing school and dealing with your abusive father. The past rape is probably something you really have never dealt with and is the reason for the repulsion of physical contact with men. the trauma of that is coming out.
 
You probably shouldn’t make any decisions about this yet because you’re not really in a good place to do so. You’re feeling sick, and experiencing fear and despair, and that’s not when you should be making lifelong commitments one way or another.

It is great advice to go see a therapist, not only for the abuse, but because you’ve indicated that life is too much for you to cope with now. HANG ON. We’re praying for you, God won’t desert you, and you will get to a better place, even if that seems impossible now.

(On another note, although I definitely had sexual urges and desires, when it came down to it I really didn’t like kissing until I met my husband. Don’t know if this is helpful to your situation.)
 
Thanks to all who have answered so far. To clear some things up…

My parents know about the molestation and I have been to see a counselor for not only that, but also for the other anxiety/depression issues. I don’t feel like it helps too much, but I still go every now and again (I was going on a regular basis for two years, but now it’s on occasion).

Other than that, I am not sure what else to do. I’ve never spoken to a priest about this, as I do not really know one with which I feel particularly comfortable (well, other than going to for confession). I’ll just keep praying about it.

Thanks again for your prayers, support, and advice!

God bless,

Christa
 
lovedance4ever said:
Thanks to all who have answered so far. To clear some things up…

My parents know about the molestation and I have been to see a counselor for not only that, but also for the other anxiety/depression issues. I don’t feel like it helps too much, but I still go every now and again (I was going on a regular basis for two years, but now it’s on occasion).

Other than that, I am not sure what else to do. I’ve never spoken to a priest about this, as I do not really know one with which I feel particularly comfortable (well, other than going to for confession). I’ll just keep praying about it.

Thanks again for your prayers, support, and advice!
If your parents knew abou this, then why didn’t this get reported to the police and get this person off the street? if he raped you someone liked this raped others and that is how there ends up being more victims than you. That is irrepsonsible on your parents part to swwpe this major trauma under the carpet. you nned to bring this up in therapy and start to really deal with it
God bless,

Christa
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It sounds like you might want to discuss the lack of “helpfulness” with your counselor. See if there is something else you can do together to bring you to greater healing. You might say something like you would like to reach the point of being unafraid of being in a relationship with a man and reduce anxiety to the point where it does not dictate what you do or avoid. Otherwise, it might be time to switch counselors so that you can make greater progress in achieving the equilibrium necessary for optimal discernment of God’s will as far as your vocation is concerned. We cannot let fear motivate our choices. It may be that God is calling you to marriage or consecrated life, but it doesn’t sound like you are ready to discern just yet. Right now, it seems pretty clear that God’s will for you is healing first so that the amazing person He created you to be can flourish and prosper.
 
lovedance4ever said:
Thanks to all who have answered so far. To clear some things up…

My parents know about the molestation and I have been to see a counselor for not only that, but also for the other anxiety/depression issues. I don’t feel like it helps too much, but I still go every now and again (I was going on a regular basis for two years, but now it’s on occasion).

Other than that, I am not sure what else to do. I’ve never spoken to a priest about this, as I do not really know one with which I feel particularly comfortable (well, other than going to for confession). I’ll just keep praying about it.

Thanks again for your prayers, support, and advice!

God bless,

Christa
Click to expand...
I am sorry but when you were assaulted, this should have been reported to the police and prosecuted. There is no excuse for it. If you haven’t brought this up in your therapy, then that isn’t being honest. This past rape is certainly a big reason for the anxiety and fears of affection and other issues you are dealing with. If your parents knew but did nothing is incredible since most rapers assault more than one person and the only way to stop them is to get them in jail.
 
SerraSemper said:
It sounds like you might want to discuss the lack of “helpfulness” with your counselor. See if there is something else you can do together to bring you to greater healing. You might say something like you would like to reach the point of being unafraid of being in a relationship with a man and reduce anxiety to the point where it does not dictate what you do or avoid. Otherwise, it might be time to switch counselors so that you can make greater progress in achieving the equilibrium necessary for optimal discernment of God’s will as far as your vocation is concerned. We cannot let fear motivate our choices. It may be that God is calling you to marriage or consecrated life, but it doesn’t sound like you are ready to discern just yet. Right now, it seems pretty clear that God’s will for you is healing first so that the amazing person He created you to be can flourish and prosper.
Click to expand...
If Op hasn’t brought this up in therapy, then there is nothing the therapist can do. Therapy needs honesty on the part of the person involved and Op should have brought it up herself or her parents should have brought this to the police to get justice. Knowing and not doing anything is the height of negligence on the part of the parents.
 
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