Could Use Some Encouragement/godly Advice From Women In Unhappy Marriages

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Sparkle :
Cudo’s for your answer to LilyoftheValley her advice is beyond bothersome it borders on evil.
Trust that God has a plan for you. Your special gifts may be responsible for your husbands immortal soul being saved. Follow the church, you won’t go wrong.

Lily - GO HOME!
 
Thank you Trailblazer for responding too! It’s nice to hear a man’s point of view. Sounds like you bend over backwards for your wife, and also feel your spouse doesn’t love you as much as you wish they did. 😦 Oh well–I know you’re an awesome man, a Godly man, and that’s top notch in my book!!!🙂
 
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puzzleannie:
love your husband. truly, the biblical kind of love described in 1 corinthians 13. that is be patient, kind, gentle, long-suffering etc. that is, suffer without letting the whole world hear about it. treat him as you would if he were the most wonderful friend and lover in the world, the biggest hunk in the world, the wittiest and wisest man in the world. At every opportunity, respond and act with love, which will be more perfect because not motivated by physical attraction, bonds of affection, but disinterested. YOu will see amazing results, trust me.
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Thanks Puzzleannie for your wisdom! I forgot about that word “LONG-SUFFERING”-----hummmmm You’re so right about everything.

God Bless Friend~~
 
oh boy, I know that feeling well…I was married to a man for 13 yrs and the last 8 yrs I cried myself to sleep every night. I tried so hard to be a good wife and mother but it just wasn’t good enough. After he left so many truths came out about our marriage, I wouldn’t wish a divorce on anyone including my worst enemy. I never cheated on this man, I did everything I thought was good and right for our marriage but it just wasn’t enough. I can tell you I loved the list that one of the posters gave you. I prayed and prayed but I really needed to pray some more, then perhaps I would have seen what was going on around me better. The last 4 yrs of our marriage I think we had sex 3 times. I felt so lonely and unloved. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it at the time, when I finally did, it was way too late. I failed to recognize that it wasn’t about me. It was about a grave mental disorder of my husbands. If I had known or recognized that he was seriously needing medical help things may have been different. Don’t give up hope, pray, try to spend some time together doing things that you both enjoy (just the 2 of you). I know I spent too much time being mom instead of wife to recognize the problems getting worse. Your kids will always be there, you need to get some quality time with your husband too.
 
My husband is kind, a Catholic, and we enjoy being with each other, but he lies about money and kept each huge money loss fiasco secret until I discover it. I find it hard to forgive him. And another money loss fiasco just happened. Again, he lied about it. We went to Marriage Encounter but he was lying about unpaid tax bills while he was saying that he would never lie again. Does retrouville help for spouses who say all the right words but don’t change? We have elementary age children and I don’t want my hurt and rage to hurt them. I feel cold to him and angry. How to forgive? And forgive myself for getting angry in front of the children? Any advice? Yes I believe marriage is forever. This has gone on for twelve years.
 

LilyoftheValley her advice is beyond bothersome it borders on evil.​

What is bothersome and evil is women believe God wants them in verbally abusive marriages, and that they are somehow doing God’s work to put up with such garbage. In this day and age especially.
What is bothersome and evil is these men are being rewarded for their verbally and psychologically abusive behavior…
 

Lily - GO HOME!​

Wow, ain’t you aren’t you the good Christian? Hypocrite. Why don’t you go trip someone with Felra?
 
Lily,

Would you like to share with the forum your “Private” message to me? It would seem my instincts are dead on!
 
My marriage is not as I wish it could be, I do love my husband, and I think of him as my friend but honestly, if I had it to do over again, as long as I could still have my kids, I don’t know if I would marry my husband. The best thing I have from my marriage is my children. My husband was raised without a father and he really, never learned how to be a husband or father, when you don’t have two married parents to “view” what parenting is about, or, what being a good husband is about, you don’t have any idea.

My husband works very hard and makes very good money and so he thinks he is doing his husbandly/fatherly duty by bringing home a good check, sadly, there is more to marriage than just this.

I admit, I was fallen away from God when I met my husband 13 years ago and we were married within 6 months of meeting and I regret that, we had kids right away, so, we never really got a real chance to know about eachother, I wish more people would understand how important that is.

I will always stay with my husband, the only thing I would ever leave him for is any kind of abuse to me or the kids or if he were infaithful. I want my marriage to work, I pray for it daily and in the past 12 years of our marriage, I can say, I have seen some very good changes in my husband, but…it takes TIME and I sometimes want it right now, and, it can be so hard to wait and let things happen in “God’s time” I want instant results and that is just not going to happen. I have to pray every day for God to help me to love and understand my husband, I started doing this five years ago when I was at a very low point in my marriage, let me tell you, this does work, when I pray for this, I will be amazed at how God will open my eyes, to the good things about my husband and, I then appreciate him for those qualities.

Hope this helps some 🙂
 
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kamz:
I want my marriage to work, I pray for it daily and in the past 12 years of our marriage, I can say, I have seen some very good changes in my husband, but…it takes TIME and I sometimes want it right now, and, it can be so hard to wait and let things happen in “God’s time” I want instant results and that is just not going to happen. I have to pray every day for God to help me to love and understand my husband, I started doing this five years ago when I was at a very low point in my marriage, let me tell you, this does work, when I pray for this, I will be amazed at how God will open my eyes, to the good things about my husband and, I then appreciate him for those qualities.

Hope this helps some 🙂
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I’m THAT husband. I thank God every day for the grace my wife has brought to my life. I know I’m still not perfect, but as scales fall off the eyes, desire to bring that love into her life only grows. She now knows this.
Think of how Jesus suffered to save us. As long as abuse isn’t a factor, pray and hang tuff. Gods plan for you has eternal rewards!
 
Would you like to share with the forum your “Private” message to me? It would seem my instincts are dead on!
Reply With Quote

Sure you judgemental hypocrite, I will…I pmed you a “screw you”. Hypocrites who use religion as an excuse to act like a jerk sort of bring that out of me. 🙂
 
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sparkle:
No, I won’t cuz I know I’m following God’s plan-- “FOR RICHER OR POORER, BETTER OR WORSE”, etc…However, I’ve discovered Lily, that life is not just about ME, being happy, and if I"M NOT, just movin’ on---- It is more about being faithful and sticking to our committments, especially ones we make before God, which is what I did so many years ago.
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It is impossible that everyone in the family is happy except for Mom. Clueless, oblivious, sure, but they cannot be the family they could be if you are feeling this way. Whether they know it or not, they miss the peace and joy that you should be bringing to your home.

God’s plan isn’t to just endure suffering. God transforms suffering. Something like Retrouvaille might get you going down that track. Your vows call you to doing something more positive than just gritting your teeth and kissing peace and joy goodbye.

As for Lily’s comments… your marriage may be one in which annulment is appropriate. I don’t know. I do know that the Church does not teach that marriage vows hold you to a life that is not a marriage. But you won’t know unless you try positively to find out if rifts come from a permanent damage that cannot be wished away or from a mere lack in the knowledge or will it takes to fix them.

You owe it to yourself, your husband, and your children to find out whether or not you have a marriage, and if you have one, then to go out and *live *it.

Oh, and the advice to lead a profound life of prayer: Excellent. You have a rough road ahead in any event. You will need this. May this time, in retrospect, be your idyllic time in which you truly learned to live in trust, love, and hope. God be with you!
 
**Lilyofthevalley [/quote said:

]Lily - GO HOME!​

Wow, ain’t you aren’t you the good Christian? Hypocrite. Why don’t you go trip someone with Felra?
******See my PM to you.
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kamz:
My marriage is not as I wish it could be, I do love my husband, and I think of him as my friend but honestly, if I had it to do over again, as long as I could still have my kids, I don’t know if I would marry my husband. The best thing I have from my marriage is my children. My husband was raised without a father and he really, never learned how to be a husband or father, when you don’t have two married parents to “view” what parenting is about, or, what being a good husband is about, you don’t have any idea.
My husband works very hard and makes very good money and so he thinks he is doing his husbandly/fatherly duty by bringing home a good check, sadly, there is more to marriage than just this.
I admit, I was fallen away from God when I met my husband 13 years ago and we were married within 6 months of meeting and I regret that, we had kids right away, so, we never really got a real chance to know about eachother, I wish more people would understand how important that is.
I will always stay with my husband, the only thing I would ever leave him for is any kind of abuse to me or the kids or if he were infaithful. I want my marriage to work, I pray for it daily and in the past 12 years of our marriage, I can say, I have seen some very good changes in my husband, but…it takes TIME and I sometimes want it right now, and, it can be so hard to wait and let things happen in “God’s time” I want instant results and that is just not going to happen. I have to pray every day for God to help me to love and understand my husband, I started doing this five years ago when I was at a very low point in my marriage, let me tell you, this does work, when I pray for this, I will be amazed at how God will open my eyes, to the good things about my husband and, I then appreciate him for those qualities.
Hope this helps some 🙂
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It sure does KAMZ! Why your situation is almost identical to mine–and your feelings and outlook too! Thanks so much for sharing it KAMZ! And God Bless
 
Hey Gals, Gals, Felra and Lily:

Don’t forget, we are all Catholic Christians here, with the Holy Spirit of Peace in our hearts, and need our friends here, right? And to vent occasionally. Shall we just move on? It’s not healthy you two arguing!!!😦 Kiss and make-up, OK? I know it’s nothing personal just clashing opinions, which is common on forums.

You are both so special with your amazing insight, I know when we all have strong opinions on something though, we can often be just maybe, “too blunt”. I’ve been that way myself often! It’s hard, as we all come from a past which no one knows. We’re all entitled to our own strong opinions though, I think, but hopefully always with charity.

I appreciate both of you~~:)
 
I think Lily is being attacked unfairly here. People jumped on her from the get-go. I have the impression that she has been affected by an abusive marriage-either hers or someone she knew and loved. If that is the case, then I see why she is so adamant about making her point. But, she may not need to be so adamant since it has been clearly stated that there is no abuse in the marriage. If I am right, people need to be a little more understanding. Some of the nastiness shocked me. If I am wrong, well, still, no one needs to be nasty.
 
I’m really glad that Lily started a new thread on the subject of abusive marriages. Although they are important points to consider, dwelling on it was not what I had hoped for in this thread.

I agree, there were some nasty remarks, and we really need to cool that. However, respectful disagreement always is helpful. It takes more time that a one sentence response. We all have something to learn.

Just in case there are any spouses that are being abused reading this, please know that if you are getting out to protect yourself or your children, you are not sinning (see CCC 1649). Getting out is only protecting yourself and many not necessarily lead to divorce. Let’s all pray for for those unfortunate ones!

Live Jesus!

JaneDC
 
Sparkle, you have received (mostly) good advice here. I don’t know how long you have been married, but anyone who tells you that they and their spouse never argue, never say unkind things to each other, never lie to each other, and other assorted nevers are lying. Those who imply that you should get a divorce just because your marriage seems to be in a rut do not have the kahones to go for the long haul.

It’s very easy to divorce these days. It’s really much harder to make a marriage work. Even though you are feeling unhappiness right now, remember, everything ebbs & flows. You might want to look inward and honestly ask yourself what YOU can do to change yourself. Marriage is never a 50-50 proposition. If you look at it that you will always have to give 100 % of yourself, somewhere along the line, you will likely meet common ground with your spouse. Trust me - I speak in the first person here. We’ve all walked in your shoes. Trust God to carry you through the rough times, and thank Him for those times, because it is then that we are given the wonderful opportunity for change.

God bless!
Sue
 
I think it’s Providential I came upon this thread. My original idea for joining was to get some support for encouraging one of my daughters in discerning her vocation, but this thread really hit home!

I can’t tell you the # of times the tears just flow because I’m so unhappy. It’s pretty bad when “crying” is the only thing that comes to mind when the subject of hobbies comes up. My husband isn’t abusive or anything, just neglectful. I think he loves the idea of being married, but I don’t think he particularly cares whether it’s me or someone else. We’ve been married for 25+ years; the first 15 years were pretty normal. The last 10, however, have not been happy. My husband travels quite a bit & that has led to us growing apart. It’s like we live seperate lives; and we’re too entrenched in our own way of life to cede much to the other person when he’s home. Trying to raise four kids (3 of whom are teenagers now) as faithful Catholics, and run a household by myself 50% of the time is very demanding. I make ALL the major decisions - & pray every day they are the right ones. I can’t remember the last time my husband took me out - I know it’s been over five years. We go out about 2 x’s a year - and that’s only because we have something important to discuss & I suggest it.

Please don’t suggest a change of jobs for him - this fall we’ll have two kids in a private Catholic college & there’s no other way to do it financially.

I really appreciate the St. Rita Novena - I’m going to give it a try. (Although I must admit the last two novenas I started were left unfinished because I got side-tracked halfway through).

Is it a question of swallowing my pride & treating my husband as though he were the greatest husband alive - even though I get nothing in return? I’m really tired of going to confession week after week & admitting I haven’t turned my marriage around yet.

Does Retrouvaille really work? Would it help us? I can accept suffering if this marriage truly isn’t going to turn around. But if there’s a chance to change it, I’ll take it.

Thanks for letting me vent - it really wasn’t my intention to go on for so long. But it felt good to put feelings in writing.
 
Detroit Sue:
Sparkle, you have received (mostly) good advice here. I don’t know how long you have been married, but anyone who tells you that they and their spouse never argue, never say unkind things to each other, never lie to each other, and other assorted nevers are lying. Those who imply that you should get a divorce just because your marriage seems to be in a rut do not have the kahones to go for the long haul.

It’s very easy to divorce these days. It’s really much harder to make a marriage work. Even though you are feeling unhappiness right now, remember, everything ebbs & flows. You might want to look inward and honestly ask yourself what YOU can do to change yourself. Marriage is never a 50-50 proposition. If you look at it that you will always have to give 100 % of yourself, somewhere along the line, you will likely meet common ground with your spouse. Trust me - I speak in the first person here. We’ve all walked in your shoes. Trust God to carry you through the rough times, and thank Him for those times, because it is then that we are given the wonderful opportunity for change.

God bless!
Sue
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This is the best advice on this thread. God bless you, Sue. I would only add that it is important not to wallow in the “oh poor me, my life is so miserable” feeling. Feeling sorry for yourself only makes it worse and mires you in your unhappiness. Hard as it is, the better solution is to lose yourself in doing something positive. Getting involved in doing something genuinely kind for someone else distracts you from your problems and gives you perspective on your own life. Ruminating on your problems is the worst thing you can do. Do you have an elderly relative or neighbor who could use some attention? Is there a helping ministry at your parish that you could get involved in? Giving of yourself is a gift that gives back to you.
 
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