Could withholding sex from your spouse be considered as sin?

[joshkt79]

My wife and I finally started to use NFP. We both agreed that the methods we were using before are wrong and we need to follow our catholic faith much better,now and into the future. We have one child, daughter, who is 2. My wife thinks we are ready for another child, however, we aren’t. I work a full time job, more than 40 hrs a week. My wife stays home with the baby. Financially, I figured it out and we are definately not stable enough to provide for another baby.

We live well within our means. We have no credit card debt, no expensive vehicle notes and basic cable ($30/month). We rarely eat out and mostly stay home. Problem is, I work at a job that has excellent benefits, but horrible pay. If my wife got a job, which she could, we would have to pay close to $1000/month for daycare. It honestly would not pay for her to work. I could get a 2nd job, but I’d rarely see my wife and children.

Now to the question. After discussing all of this to my wife, she’s still set on having another child, and the only time she wants to have sex, is when she’s ovulating. Right now, my desire for sex has halted because I feel like I’m being used just for one thing. I have rejected her,in nice ways by saying that I wasn’t feeling good or just not in the mood.

 

[tafan]

Yes, withholding sex from your spouse when a reasonable request is made is a sin, objectively speacking it is a mortal sin.

In my opinion, using NFP to prevent pregnancy should be a decision reaching jointly by both spouses. In general (and there are certainly exceptions) If one of them does not see a serious cause to use NFP, then it is not to be used.

Why is a second child so much more expensive? A new baby never added much to our living expenses in my experience. As a child gets older it does, but that is quite a ways down the road. Without knowing details, If you are living well within your means now, I can understand your wife’s point of view.

As to rejecting her, you had better be very careful. Those are dangerous waters to tread from a moral standpoint.

Taken From ewtn.com/library/marriage/mormar.txt

V. OBLIGATION

BY marriage a man and woman grant to one another certain rights
over their bodies for the begetting of children, the increasing
of love, the healthy ordering of passion. The fulfilment of this
concession is a matter of justice, its denial an injustice,
though a couple who are still newly in love may smile at such
terms. Justice, however, is a living virtue and not confined to
cold legal forms.

The principle is this: whenever either the husband or the wife
seriously and reasonably asks for the marriage due the other is
bound to render it. Reasonably asks: no one in marriage engages
to become a convenience for another’s passion; neither must force
their every wish on the other; they are equal and, particularly
as regards the marriage act, have the same rights. It is most
desirable that the action should be mutual. This will not be too
difficult if the two love one another in a human way and are
ready to be considerate and make sacrifices, if each tries to
serve the other, and if it is realized that for their happiness
together the act should be the comfort and content of both.

There are exceptions to the obligation of rendering the marriage
due. A married person is not strictly bound to grant it if the
other has been unfaithful to the extent of adultery. Normal
relations are only re-established by the generous forgiveness of
the injured party. There is no obligation if there is a danger of
the infection of disease. Or if the request is unreasonable, if
it be under conditions that are genuinely harmful and
distressing, then it may be refused. This particularly affects
the woman; she has not promised to be the man’s slave, but the
sharer of his human life, of his control as well as of his ease.
It is commonly held that a woman to whom pregnancy would be fatal
or highly dangerous is not bound to render the due; the request
for it would be unreasonable. Finally, there is no obligation of
granting it, rather the reverse, if it is going to be abused by
the sin of onanism.

There is no obligation of asking for the due except when harm
would be done by abstinence, a weakening of love, a risk of
impurity. In this connection, husband and wife will learn to
interpret and anticipate the wishes of each other.

By **mutual **consent married couples may abstain from intercourse
either for a time or for ever, not as evading the obligations of
their state, but as an offering and sacrifice to God. They must
not deny the existence of the right, but may forgo the exercise
of it.

I bolded some of the parts that pertain to your questions. The document is very good, BTW.

 

[chris138]

I agree that the expense for a new baby is not really much. If your wife breastfeeds the biggest expense is probably diapers maybe you can agree to use cloth and get them off ebay or buy them a little at a time. Clothing can be re-used if the child is the same gender. Friends and family are usually willing to pass along clothing and second hand stores are great for this as well since this is an age when clothing is grown out of fast and doestn’t get to messed up since they are not eating solid foods!!! May be you can agree to some of compromises and then go for it!! I think the 2-3 year age difference is great for siblings too.

 

[Dakota_Roberts]

Josh here seems to feel that they can’t afford another child, but the wife is dead set on another baby and as such she only wants to engage in sex when she is fertile. This presents a problem since Josh as a guy does indeed want to engage in sex from time to time and the only time his wife wants to engage in sex is when she’s fertile. This results in Josh basically feeling like he’s just a sperm donor.

 

[michaelmas]

I agree that the expense for a new baby is not really much. If your wife breastfeeds the biggest expense is probably diapers maybe you can agree to use cloth and get them off ebay or buy them a little at a time. Clothing can be re-used if the child is the same gender. Friends and family are usually willing to pass along clothing and second hand stores are great for this as well since this is an age when clothing is grown out of fast and doestn’t get to messed up since they are not eating solid foods!!! May be you can agree to some of compromises and then go for it!! I think the 2-3 year age difference is great for siblings too.

Lol, yea right. We just had our 2nd child after 5 years and let me tell you this, IT IS EXPENSIVE. 25.00 bucks a week on diapers, formula to supplement breast milk, food, clothing if opposite sex, insurance, life insurance, car seats ( you should never use a used car set), on and on. Compound that with most of Americans being underwater in their home loans makes for a stressful time.

BUT, God will only give you what you can handle. I am only commenting on the folks saying it is not that expensive. Part of being married is the act of sex, that is part of the sacrement. Prayer. Trust that God will give you the answers and let him guide you. Do your best.

I am so happy with our 2nd child and the easy parts of it is you have already experienced one so you know what is to be expected. The 2nd kid can sense that and it is much more of a Joy the 2nd time around. The worrying about this and that is gone, you appreciate them so much more, it is quite a blessing.

 

[Scarsuna]

You need to tell your wife the truth. Don’t just tell her you’re not in the mood. Tell her WHY you’re not in the mood.

Secondly, while tafan was so quick to say withholding sex was a “mortal sin”, let’s not forget your wife is withholding sex from you whenever she’s not ovulating.

If your only worries about having a child are the financial aspects of it, you need to have faith that God will provide everything you need.

**Matthew 6:28-33
28 And why take ye thought for raiment (clothing)? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:
29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?
31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
**

 

[Jesus_123]

:bible1:
For the** justice **of God is revealed therein,
from faith unto faith,
as it is written:
**the just man liveth by faith. **
- Romans 1:17

+We had our three little ones . . . sweet gifts from our . . . Wonderful God . . . 15 and 19 months apart . . . while we were yet in college . . . and we managed just fine . . . just trusted in the **Lord **that **He **would provide . . . and He did . . . marvelously well . . .

You appear to be trying to personally control your life like a single man in your marriage . . . apart from faith in God . . . and apart from your marriage and your growing closer and closer together day-by-day with your wife . . . and that is definitely a sin against love . . . you also appear to be lacking faith and trust in **God **that He will provide for a 2nd little one in your family . . . plus you are lieing to your wife and using pretexes to not be honest and up front with her . . . and that also is a sin . . . and each of these steps is creating distance between you and your wife . . . the marriage of two souls in the **Lord **and with the Lord is something that needs to be daily cherished and worked on . . . and withdrawing from intimacy . . . (on the part of either the wife or the husband) . . . and then the taking refuge in lies on your part about it . . . certainly isn’t loving or being true to the holy marriage covenant between a husband and wife . . .

:bible1: Let the husband render the debt to his wife, and the wife also in like manner to the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband. And in like manner the husband also hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud not one another, except, perhaps, by consent, for a time, that you may give yourselves to prayer; and return together again, lest Satan tempt you for your incontinency. - I Corinthians 7:3-5​

. . . all for Jesus+
. . . thank You Blessed Lord our God+
. . . for Your Precious Holy :bible1: Word+​

 

[tafan]

Scarsuna:

Secondly, while tafan was so quick to say withholding sex was a “mortal sin”, let’s not forget your wife is withholding sex from you whenever she’s not ovulating

Two wrongs don’t make a right.

I said “objectively” it is a mortal sin, ie the same as saying it is of grave matter. I also specified the requiest must be reasonable for it to even be of grave matter. In his case, a lack of knowledge would not make it so.

 

[rom422]

Secondly, while tafan was so quick to say withholding sex was a “mortal sin”, let’s not forget your wife is withholding sex from you whenever she’s not ovulating.

Scarsuna, I agree with most of what you said in your post, and I particularly love the bible quotation. But I have some comment on that part of your post that I quoted above. If a man requests for sex, and the woman refuses because she is not ovulating, then she is withholding sex. But if the man does not ask, and the woman does not ask, then neither of them is withholding sex. If the woman only asks whenever she is ovulating, then she is not necessarily withholding sex, unless her husband asks for it outside of her ovulation period and she refuses.

I am a widower, so I know a little bit about this. However, I am not a woman so I do not know how women really feel. But I have read that women generally are more desirous to have sex when they are ovulating. It seems that is how mother nature works. If this is true, then I will be careful to judge the woman, and say that she is only after having a baby whenever she asks for sex, especially when she asks during her fertile period. True, she also wants to have a second baby, but she may also be after intimacy and love. Those are precious moments in conjugal life, and husbands must grant the request.

I am not against family planning, but let us not take God’s providence out of the picture. There are benefits also to having large families even when you are just trying to make ends meet. Guess how many siblings St. Catherine of Siena had? (Answer = 24)

 

[Corki]

Josh here seems to feel that they can’t afford another child, but the wife is dead set on another baby and as such she only wants to engage in sex when she is fertile. This presents a problem since Josh as a guy does indeed want to engage in sex from time to time and the only time his wife wants to engage in sex is when she’s fertile. This results in Josh basically feeling like he’s just a sperm donor.

Let’s just flip this around, though. If he wants to have sex when he knows that there is little chance of conceiving, isn’t he doing the same thing, in reverse? Would you say that he is treating her like a sperm receptacle?

Josh, I’m not picking on you but you wanting to have sex when your wife is not in a fertile point in her cycle is exactly the same as her wanting to have sex when she is. There is no right or wrong. Maybe the best thing is to take a step back until you and your wife get on the same page about another baby.

 

[Warrenton]

Now to the question. After discussing all of this to my wife, she’s still set on having another child, and the only time she wants to have sex, is when she’s ovulating. Right now, my desire for sex has halted because I feel like I’m being used just for one thing. I have rejected her,in nice ways by saying that I wasn’t feeling good or just not in the mood.

First, let me tell you and your wife how inspiring your decision is to all faithful Catholics. People like you are going to save our country and our culture. Your children are more valuable to the Church and the nation, and to Christendom than all the government programs put together.

Many good replies have been posted, but perhaps you’d like to read what St. Paul has to say:

1 Corinthians 7:2-5: “Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.”

That is pretty clear. You and your wife are down to brass tacks, and need to deal with the facts. You both have needs, and both have an interest in making sure that everyone in the family is adequately cared for and sustained. It is the toughest job in the world to live a Catholic life today.

As with most things in marriage, it comes down to her giving more than she wants, and you having less than you want. Intimacy - in practice - is no different than budgeting your money, deciding how much food to cook, or devoting time to different things like playing with the kids, working, and going to church. If you commit to addressing the issue as often as you need to, learn to accept some disappointment, and believe that your sacrifice in this regard is the most pleasing sacrifice offered to the Lord short of consecration, martyrdom or poverty, you and your wife will come through this stronger and better Catholics.

 

[Bookcat]

Yes it can be sinful to withhold marital relations…and can be gravely so. On the part of either the Husband or the Wife.

The choice was made…long ago at the consent of your wedding…

Tis not an optional aspect of marriage life (though a couple may choose to forgo such if not a near occasion of mortal sin for either …such as when one has serious reasons to avoid using NFP, or for reasons such as prayer (as Paul speaks of) etc)

 

[Cloudwalker]

I feel quite a lot of sympathy for you in this situation, Josh. If I were you, I could easily imagine feeling the same way. Difficult for me to advise as a non-Catholic…but maybe you and your wife could try talking about this, and see if you could make sex a bit more spontaneous and less regimented?

 

[Bookcat]

PS: Think too of the child you have…he/she needs a brother or sister…

As Pope John Paul II noted it is important to give ones children the gift of a brother or sister…

(often people do not think of this…)

 

[ahs]

Lol, yea right. We just had our 2nd child after 5 years and let me tell you this, IT IS EXPENSIVE. 25.00 bucks a week on diapers, formula to supplement breast milk, food, clothing if opposite sex, insurance, life insurance, car seats ( you should never use a used car set), on and on. Compound that with most of Americans being underwater in their home loans makes for a stressful time.

Not to discount your troubles…but those costs can be cut down significantly. He said his job has great benefits, so perhaps insurance is covered there. Formula?! Um, breastmilk is FREE and you don’t need formula to supplement it…it has everything a baby needs…some breastfeed for 2 or more years (though there are some women who have difficulty breast feeding). Clothes can be found at 2nd-hand stores, garage sales, donations from friends, etc… Diapers…you can do washable cloth diapers! (Yes, it’s kinda gross, but very affordable for those in a pinch. )

Just trust in God and have that 2nd baby!