Couldn't hear the wife calling

  • Thread starter Thread starter JohnnyXS676
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
J

JohnnyXS676

Guest
I just want to get some opinions on what happened between my wife and I since we’re having difficulty getting to a resolution and need to get some advice on what to do. I’ll try to make this as objective as possible. This might sound like a trivial issue, but it is causing some separation between us.

The thing that happened was she came home from work late at night and was locked out of the house for about half an hour because someone else besides me inadvertently locked the door. We are in a temporary housing situation until our house out of town sells so we can get a new one. I was asleep when she got home and she begins calling the house phone, the cell phone and text messaging me, knocking on the door and I don’t hear any of it at all. Nobody else is available to hear the phone and unlock the door. She eventually makes her way into the house, walks into the bedroom, wakes me up, and angrily asks me why I didn’t answer the phone or hear her knocking. I was deeply disturbed at her anger and rudeness of waking me up in the middle of the night and decided to lock the bedroom door for the night and ask her to apologize for waking me up. She refuses and doesn’t sleep in the bedroom with me. She wants me to apologize for treating her meanly. I’m not asking for an apology anymore, just an acknowledgment that I didn’t her her trying to reach me and that I didn’t intentionally ignore her attempts to reach me.

Is she right to get so upset for me not hearing the phone? I’ve always told her I’m more of a deep sleeper than she is, but I’m not sure if she cares. She sleeps very lightly and easily wakes up. Let me know what you guys think. Thanks.

-Johnny
 
When I have to work late, my husband stays up to make sure I am home okay. In fact, I call him before I leave the office, and he knows when to look for me - if I were to have car touble or something - I commute though some areas where there is no cell service so I might not be able to call him.

If you cannot stay up until your wife is home from work, maybe you have to get up very early - perhaps setting an alarm to wake up when she is due to be home?

My other suggestion, find a neighbor who can act as backup so she is not left standing outside.

IMHO, to her it may seem you are simply not concerned about her saftey/well being. Show here that you are, by making SURE she has a key to get in, a way to contact you and a backup plan.

That, and buy her flowers.
 
My girlfriend and I have had situations where each of us has a particular point of view or perspective on the issue which is in opposition to the other’s point of view. For example, we went to a new year’s party with a bunch of my high school friends. I had a great time and she didn’t. She got upset that I didn’t seem to care that she didn’t have the best time. I got upset that she didn’t help me to have a better time. I thought she was being a downer, she thought I wasn’t being a good boyfriend.

Needless to say, it sucks. There really is no resolution to the matter but a humble acknowledgment of one’s shortcomings. I apologized sincerely for being ignorant of her feelings and she apologized for the way in which she expressed her dissatisfaction.

In your particular situation, there seems to be a sort of… tension similar to mine. While of course you most likely didn’t hear the phone ring, I don’t think your wife is mad anymore that you didn’t let her in, but that you don’t seem to care that she was stuck outside for a half hour and that you acted selfishly by locking her out of the bedroom.

Be the man and be humble. Admit your shortcomings. It sucks and it might feel like you’re “losing an argument” but I promise you that your wife will be all the more impressed with you.

In short, by the very fact that you’re looking for an acknowledgment from her suggests that you haven’t taken the extra step in acknowledging your shortcomings.

here’s an example of how the conversation might go, “Wife, I’m sorry that I didn’t pick up the phone. I honestly did not hear it and I can’t imagine what it must have been like to be outside for so long. I really am very sorry. I also apologize for being so mean to you. I acted rashly and I failed to see beyond my immediate needs and desires.”

If your wife doesn’t apologize for the way she treated you. Just let her know how you’re feeling: “Wife, just know that the way you woke me up made me angry. I don’t blame you or my feelings for acting the way I did, just know that this is what made me angry.”

At this point, your wife could act humbly and admit that she probably shouldn’t have woken you up, or she could just try to rationalize her mistake. If it’s the former, everything should be peachy. If it’s the second, just try to get her to understand that she should care about your feelings, that you’re willing to do anything for her, but that in order to make a more smooth and less stressful household, it helps to know each other’s buttons.
 
JohnnyXS676 said:
I just want to get some opinions on what happened between my wife and I since we’re having difficulty getting to a resolution and need to get some advice on what to do. I’ll try to make this as objective as possible. This might sound like a trivial issue, but it is causing some separation between us.

Is she right to get so upset for me not hearing the phone? I’ve always told her I’m more of a deep sleeper than she is, but I’m not sure if she cares. She sleeps very lightly and easily wakes up. Let me know what you guys think. Thanks.

-Johnny
Click to expand...
Just apologize for not hearing her and try and work out an alternative if that would ever happen again.
You can’t change what happened so just apologize and move on.
 
Just thinking about being in that type of situation, I think the best thing would be to sit down with her and talk about it calmly. Ask her to express how she felt honestly and openly, and don’t get defensive when she tries to blame you. Just listen. Then, apologize and ask for forgiveness and then relate how you were feeling maybe.

Your wife was probably more upset by the fact that -

#1. it was late and she was probably tired (which leads to hightened emotions)
#2. she didn’t expect to have such a stressful time getting into her own living space (which added to the tiredness)
#3. probably hoped you’d apologize or at least acknowledge how upset she was and do something nice instead of pointing fingers.

I get really upset when my husband is late picking me up from the train station after work, particularly now because it’s winter and incredibly cold and I’m pregnant so it’s not terribly great standing there and waiting at all. However, after a few times of me just getting mad at him, we sat down and talked about it and I told him how I felt like he didn’t love me when he did this (I knew in my head he did and I told him that as well). He, in turn, started getting there on time, and the couple of times he’s been late, has apologized - but I usually just say, “It’s okay, I understand why you were late” or something to that effect because now I know he has made an effort. He gets hurt when I leave my dirty laundry everywhere or don’t put food away - so we talked this over and I make a great effort to do put my dirty laundry where it goes and put the food away - and now it’s becoming habitual (which is good anyway!). About twice a month, we sit down and ask eachother how we can be a better spouse to eachother, and that helps too, to keep us in check. 🙂 Humility always works best!
 
The only way I can answer this is to respond as I would if I were in her shoes (so bear that in mind when reading).

If I were locked out of the house in the middle of the night and had no way to get ahold of my husband I would be equally angry (and scared): Scared because I’m not sure if I can get in and if someone could come along and injure/rape me, angry because my husband was obviously not concerned about my well being.

Is this an overreaction? Possibly (and in my case, I have been known to overreact before). However, if the situation was reversed and my husband got locked out I would feel that he was justified in being upset and I should have made sure that he could get in and/or provided a way for him to contact me.

Regarding the fact that you locked her out of the bedroom. I’m trying to understand how you feel justified in locking her out of YOUR (husband AND wife’s) bedroom because she was angry at you. I would definetally agree with her that you acted meanly in this respect (and I understand on an emotional level why she doesn’t join you in bed now).

Short sum up: While you may not have been mean in not answering the phone, you may have been uncaring. You were mean in locking her out of the bedroom. She may need to apologize as it isn’t pleasant to be woken up in the middle of the night. However, you can’t make her apologize and my personal opinion is that you owe her one.

P.S. My intention was not to condemn you, but to let you know how I would feel in her shoes.
 
You LOCKED the bedroom door? And asked HER to apologize? Sure, you didn’t mean to sleep through her calling you but anyone would be a little frustrated at standing outside for half an hour.
I can’t believe you think she should apologize to you. Be the big one and apologize to her.
 
Ephesians 4:26 Be angry, and sin not. Let not the sun go down upon your anger.

I’ve always maintained that the biggest arguments start of with the stupidest things, catch a grip man, kiss and make up, be the first to apologize, you’ll be a bigger man for it.
 
Ok, ok, thanks guys for your responses, I truly appreciate them, I was probably being very unreasonable. I’ll apologize and hopefully we can patch things up.
One thing I wanted to add is that the common denominator of many of our disagreements is that they happen during the normal sleeping hours. I do think that I’ll me a little more grumpy, or irrational during this time and I’ll find myself saying or doing things that I would not normally do during normal waking hours. Does that happen to anyone else? I do consider sleep to be healthy for a person so I try to maintain a regular sleeping pattern, but I also want to do what is right by my wife. I’ll probably stay up until she gets home from now on, but I’m afraid that I’ll be irrational or argumentative again. Sometimes I won’t even remember when she woke me up in the middle of the night to explain something. Any advice? Thanks.

-Johnny
 
JohnnyXS676 said:
Ok, ok, thanks guys for your responses, I truly appreciate them, I was probably being very unreasonable. I’ll apologize and hopefully we can patch things up.
One thing I wanted to add is that the common denominator of many of our disagreements is that they happen during the normal sleeping hours. I do think that I’ll me a little more grumpy, or irrational during this time and I’ll find myself saying or doing things that I would not normally do during normal waking hours. Does that happen to anyone else? I do consider sleep to be healthy for a person so I try to maintain a regular sleeping pattern, but I also want to do what is right by my wife. I’ll probably stay up until she gets home from now on, but I’m afraid that I’ll be irrational or argumentative again. Sometimes I won’t even remember when she woke me up in the middle of the night to explain something. Any advice? Thanks.

-Johnny
Click to expand...
Do you have children? If not, start:p I was a sound sleeper (didn’t even wake up for fire alarms and tornado alarms that were blaring in my ear or with bright lights shining in my eyes) and then I had my daughter. I think my subconcious has not allowed me to sleep soundly since. I can’t remember the last time I didn’t wake up from the slightest sound.
 
I’m always waaaaaaaaaaaaay grumbier when tired. Also, a little trick my mom uses that may work: When my dad is planning on coming home after her bedtime (she also needs her sleep 🙂 she sets her alarm clock for a reasonable amount of time after he should be home. He turns it off when he arrives and she is able to get her sleep. On the occasions when he is late (flat tire, stranded…they live way out in the country) she can wake up and find out what’s going on). You can even set the alarm on your bedstand so you’re sure to hear it…Hope this helps.

God Bless,
Kate
 
i am sorry one thing i do not understand in this incident is “WHY DOES YOUR WIFE NOT HAVE A KEY TO THE APT?” and if you mean that someone else put on the manual latch - who is the someone else? obviously that person was around when you shut your wife out of the bedroom… that is really a bad way to behave when there is someone other than ur spouse in the house!!!
 
JohnnyXS676 said:
Ok, ok, thanks guys for your responses, I truly appreciate them, I was probably being very unreasonable. I’ll apologize and hopefully we can patch things up.
One thing I wanted to add is that the common denominator of many of our disagreements is that they happen during the normal sleeping hours. I do think that I’ll me a little more grumpy, or irrational during this time and I’ll find myself saying or doing things that I would not normally do during normal waking hours. Does that happen to anyone else? I do consider sleep to be healthy for a person so I try to maintain a regular sleeping pattern, but I also want to do what is right by my wife. I’ll probably stay up until she gets home from now on, but I’m afraid that I’ll be irrational or argumentative again. Sometimes I won’t even remember when she woke me up in the middle of the night to explain something. Any advice? Thanks.

-Johnny
Click to expand...
LOL …I understand you perfectly, DON’T even speak to me before 10 am.

Actually my wife gets annoyed with me, because she has trouble sleeping, but as soon as I hit the pillow, I’m gone.

But if there’s the slightest noise in the house, I’ll waken…search me.
 
Is she right to get so upset for me not hearing the phone
Click to expand...
Look she is not right to get upset at you. But you have to understand how people may react when their patience is tested. The door was locked on her for a long time, she justifiably got frustrated. Was it right to take out her anger on you? No, but you should have understood. Locking her outside your own bedroom was what shocked me. It is very disrespectful for you to have done that. You asked for my opinion, and I’m giving it to you whether you like to hear it or not. That truly shocked me.
My mother has been locked out like this before; she came from work, tired and wanting to rest, and she was locked out. Mum has gotten angry at my father for this several times (cause he’s usually sleeping), and though my father is an angry person, he was always patient with mum in this regard. He understood her anger and knew that mum REALLY knew it wasn’t his fault, but needed a punching bag to vent that frustration. Your wife KNOWS it’s not your fault and that you were sleeping, alright. You have to be a little understanding for how it feels to some women (or men) to be locked out of their house and to have no where to go.

-unworthy
 
I would say that if it’s a matter of your wife having a key - get her a copy! 🙂

If that’s not possible - keep the phone by your ear and on HIGH - both phones, house and cell. Will you wake up to those ringing in your ear?

If you choose to stay up, I’d talk with your wife about it. Stay up, but then don’t talk about anything that could spark an arguement, esp. heavy subjects, where you may be a little irrational because you’re so tired. Agree to stay up, let her in, possibly ask her how her work went, give her a goodnight kiss, and then hop into bed. 🙂
 
So she was locked out of the house late at night for a half an hour and then when she finally found her way in, you locked her out of the bedroom? Hmmm… not a good idea. :tsktsk:

Sounds like she was freaked out / maybe worried you were dead in there (who can’t hear the constant ringing of the phone plus her banging on the door?) not to mention how awful it would be to be stuck outside late at night… I can totally relate to her waking you up to make sure you’re still alive and then yelling at you.

I think you should’ve apologized (even though it wasn’t really your fault) and comforted her - not locked her out.

But it sounds like you already know all that. Make it up to her… chocolate & a nice back rub works for me! 😉
 
I think she inappropriately let her emotion, frustration, and being tired get to her that evening. However, unless they fear for their safety, I see no reason for a spouse to lock another spouse out of the bedroom ever, for any reason!

You took a bat to a situation that required a flyswatter at most. You need to beg for forgiveness.

Not to be chauvinistic, I have never gone to bed when one of my daughters or wife wasn’t home. I sleep on the couch so I can periodically wake up to make sure they weren’t late getting home. Additinoally, I set my cell phone alarm for 15 minutes after I expect them home. If they aren’t home within 15 minutes of expectation, I call them to ensure they are safe. Wives (even the most “liberated”) expect their husbands to be concerned for their physical safety. You sleeping so soundly without any apparent care when she got home can have contributed to her reaction (she felt you didn’t care for her safety).
 
I have to think you were both in a bad place and reacted in a less than ideal (and probably not typical) way with each other: Her: out of a combination of frustration, perhaps fear, at being locked out in the middle of the night, and perhaps even a little disgruntlement that you were not more concerned or sympathetic to her plight; You: reacting to being abruptly awoken from sleep and then blamed/chastized for a problem you didn’t create.

That said, a good way to have diffused this situation would have been to offer some immediate tenderness–had her crawl into bed with you, given her a big hug and empathize with what she had been through, instead of defensive that you weren’t the direct cause of any of it. It would have served to melt her anger and assured her that your priority is her welfare, not your beauty sleep. You were totally out of line and rather cold-hearted to lock her out a second time, IMHO.

Take the advice of those who wrote before, and be the bigger person here. Accept that in a perfect world she would not have taken out her frustration on you in your sleep…and then apologize, not only for failing to appreciate the fear/frustration she likely experienced, but for compounding it once she finally got in the house. Be a little humble and acknowledge being half-conscious first and then defensive once you were awake. (I would also second the suggestion that you make sure she has a way to reach you if she needs you–especially late at night and while living in a temporary situation.)

You are (and want to continue to be) the person with whom your wife can be her most intimate and vulnerable–which necessarily makes you her protector in this world–physically, spiritually and emotionally. Don’t fall down on that job–it will cost you a lot in terms of closeness and her respect! Not to mention, the aftermath of this conflict has clearly troubled you far more than offering a hug to calm her down that evening ever would have.
 
Two tired, frustrated people placed under unexpected stress, reacting exactly like one is most likely to in such a situation.

You and your wife should star for a sitcom.
 
Thanks again for all the advice, and no thanks for the sarcasm I saw in one reply.
I’ve apologized and acknowledged her concerns and fears and have committed to changing my behavior. It was difficult to do so beforehand because I couldn’t see the entire impact of what I was doing. I think we’ll be ok with some time. Some late night grumpiness had a little to do with it, but its not an excuse. You have all helped me see things differently.

-Johnny
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top