Couldn't hear the wife calling

[chicago]

Many an experienced couple has advised via commentay upon their lengthy marriage, “Laugh”. When people can step back from their immediate concerns to see the objective humor in how they are acting, it may provide a healthy elixer to soothe the savage soul. For in laughter, we are united by recognition of our own frail folly.

“Laugh at yourself… everybody else does!”

 

[Catholic90]

The thing that happened was she came home from work late at night and was locked out of the house *Where is her key? *for about half an hour because someone else *Who lives with you? *besides me inadvertently locked the door. We are in a temporary housing situation until our house out of town sells so we can get a new one. I was asleep when she got home and she begins calling the house phone, the cell phone and text messaging me, knocking on the door and I don’t hear any of it at all. Nobody else is available to hear the phone and unlock the door. She eventually makes her way into the house, walks into the bedroom, wakes me up, and angrily asks me why I didn’t answer the phone or hear her knocking. I was deeply disturbed at her anger and rudeness of waking me up *What?!? She was LOCKED outside and SHE is being RUDE??? Wow! *in the middle of the night and decided to lock the bedroom door for the night *You’re not very nice, are you?? *and ask her to apologize for waking me up. Wow. She refuses and doesn’t sleep in the bedroom with me. I would, too. She wants me to apologize for treating her meanly. Yes, you should. I’m not asking for an apology anymore, just an acknowledgment that I didn’t her her trying to reach me and that I didn’t intentionally ignore her attempts to reach me.

Is she right to get so upset for me not hearing the phone? YES!! I’ve always told her I’m more of a deep sleeper than she is, but I’m not sure if she cares. *Probably not when she is LOCKED not only out of her own house but out of her bedroom. * She sleeps very lightly and easily wakes up. Let me know what you guys think. Thanks.

-Johnny

 

[ReginaNova]

Johnny, my husband and I have been married more than 20 years and may get irritated with each other maybe once a year, if that. The man is a wonderful guy. When we were first married, he used to defend himself when he was inconsiderate. When he learned to say “I’m sorry, no buts” was when our marriage coasted off to new heights. It was music to my ears, even if it was a code for “I would really like to defend myself but I know for the good of the marriage, I just need to apologize without further justification.” I’ll bet your wife would like to hear something similar.

Oh, and another thing we used to do (which I later read as an advised technique in a marriage counseling book!) was we used to label our fights with funny names. That way we could refer to them and remind ourselves of the lessons learned so that we would not repeat them. Yours could be the “Double Lock Out Fight”–as in “Dear, this is starting to remind me of the Double Lock Out Fight so we shouldn’t go there again.” (It has been so long that we have had a big fight that I can’t even remember the names. Though my husband, who has a good memory would. Just as well that we resolved such things long ago. Wouldn’t want the teens to hear such stuff!)

 

[whatevergirl]

I just want to get some opinions on what happened between my wife and I since we’re having difficulty getting to a resolution and need to get some advice on what to do. I’ll try to make this as objective as possible. This might sound like a trivial issue, but it is causing some separation between us.

The thing that happened was she came home from work late at night and was locked out of the house for about half an hour because someone else besides me inadvertently locked the door. We are in a temporary housing situation until our house out of town sells so we can get a new one. I was asleep when she got home and she begins calling the house phone, the cell phone and text messaging me, knocking on the door and I don’t hear any of it at all. Nobody else is available to hear the phone and unlock the door. She eventually makes her way into the house, walks into the bedroom, wakes me up, and angrily asks me why I didn’t answer the phone or hear her knocking. I was deeply disturbed at her anger and rudeness of waking me up in the middle of the night and decided to lock the bedroom door for the night and ask her to apologize for waking me up. She refuses and doesn’t sleep in the bedroom with me. She wants me to apologize for treating her meanly. I’m not asking for an apology anymore, just an acknowledgment that I didn’t her her trying to reach me and that I didn’t intentionally ignore her attempts to reach me.

Is she right to get so upset for me not hearing the phone? I’ve always told her I’m more of a deep sleeper than she is, but I’m not sure if she cares. She sleeps very lightly and easily wakes up. Let me know what you guys think. Thanks.

-Johnny

Hmmm…I might have been upset initially…I mean, afterall, she wanted to get into the house to go to sleep, also…she was frustrated and rightfully so–but to a degree. Jesus showed merited anger in the Bible. He just didn’t hold grudges. You both should apologize…pride is something that gets in the way of a happy marriage.

 

[1ke]

She should not be upset that you did not hear the phone or knocking. You didn’t do anything on purpose, and can’t help that you are a deep sleeper.

You do, however, owe her an apology for your rude and immature behavior when she woke you up to tell you she’ been locked out and trying to get in.

It’s not about YOU and your beauty sleep. She was locked out, maybe frightened by being outside alone at night in a temporary housing situation (maybe even in the cold shivering and trying to get in…?)

She woke you wanting some compassion and probably a hug and some emotional support in the sense of “I’m sorry I didn’t wake up and hear you”. Not “I’m sorry I did something wrong” but “I’m sorry” in the sense of “I wish I would have awakened to help you out”.

You were out of line to “lock her out” of the bedroom and demand an “apology” for waking you. She’s your wife, for crying out loud. I can’t believe you would chastize her for waking you up and act like a 12 year old.

Yes, I believe you were totally out of line. You should start looking in to why you would react like that and do something so completely immature.

 

[pira114]

Thanks again for all the advice, and no thanks for the sarcasm I saw in one reply.
I’ve apologized and acknowledged her concerns and fears and have committed to changing my behavior. It was difficult to do so beforehand because I couldn’t see the entire impact of what I was doing. I think we’ll be ok with some time. Some late night grumpiness had a little to do with it, but its not an excuse. You have all helped me see things differently.

-Johnny

You still haven’t explained why she doesn’t have a key. Unless it’s a chain lock. I have the same problem. I work nights and come home way before anyone gets up. Sometimes, my wife forgets to leave the chain off, and I have to wake her up. Once in a great while, she’ll not hear me for whatever reason. I don’t get upset, it happens.

Your wife totally over reacted. I can see shutting and locking your door if she wouldn’t let you get back to sleep. You did nothing wrong, but I wouldn’t hold my breath for an apology.

Women are emotional creatures that are not given to logical thinking. She most likely now realizes her error, but probably does not want to give in and wants you to apologize. Just do it, you’ll never “win.”

 

[mariam1976]

why r u not answering the question about why she doesnt have a key to the house? is it some kind of a control issue?

 

[sarcophagus]

Women are emotional creatures that are not given to logical thinking. She most likely now realizes her error, but probably does not want to give in and wants you to apologize. Just do it, you’ll never “win.”

How terribly sexist of you to say that. I’m sorry but lets look at the equation here…logically (BTW, I’m a woman ). Middle of the night + tired + probably scared + cold + just got off work + husband not responding for God knows how long + once she gets in and informs him that the door was locked HE"S angry + husbands seeming lack of concern for his wife + being locked out of HER bedroom = every right to be angry, upset and “emotional”…

Try to look at it from a womans perspective…after all, isn’t that the most logical thing to do?

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Try to look at it from a womans perspective…after all, isn’t that the most logical thing to do?

Men who blame problems on women being “too emotional” have yet to mature enough in their understanding of the different natures of men and women. (Just as women who are upset by their husband’s desire to have sex with them have no comprehension that the man is not being a pervert, but wants love from his wife…)

Malia

 

[whatevergirl]

How terribly sexist of you to say that. I’m sorry but lets look at the equation here…logically (BTW, I’m a woman ). Middle of the night + tired + probably scared + cold + just got off work + husband not responding for God knows how long + once she gets in and informs him that the door was locked HE"S angry + husbands seeming lack of concern for his wife + being locked out of HER bedroom = every right to be angry, upset and “emotional”…

Try to look at it from a womans perspective…after all, isn’t that the most logical thing to do?

You are very good at math. I agree.

 

[ktp]

I, too, am curious why she didn’t have a key or couldn’t get in.

My feeling as I read your original post was that it sounds like this isn’t the first time this has happened. If that’s so, I’d completely understand her being upset, for all the reasons others have said. If it is the first time, then hopefully you have it worked out such that she is never again locked out.

 

[Orionthehunter]

I, too, am curious why she didn’t have a key or couldn’t get in.

My feeling as I read your original post was that it sounds like this isn’t the first time this has happened. If that’s so, I’d completely understand her being upset, for all the reasons others have said. If it is the first time, then hopefully you have it worked out such that she is never again locked out.

Despite numerous requests to get an answer to this question, it is causing me to wonder about something else.

Why would a man who thinks he needs the safety to lock his door at night wouldn’t make sure that his wife is able to get in the house when she is out late?

 

[mariam1976]

Despite numerous requests to get an answer to this question, it is causing me to wonder about something else.

Why would a man who thinks he needs the safety to lock his door at night wouldn’t make sure that his wife is able to get in the house when she is out late?

wow… that is the best question yet…

you are absolutely right!!!

 

[pira114]

He said that he did not lock the door, someone else did. I still wonder if maybe it was a chain lock or some other type of lock that you can’t open from outside. If not, why the heck would she not have a key?

I got the impression that he locked the door to his room because she wanted to fight with him. Maybe I’m wrong, clarification would help here. But if I’m right, then he did the correct thing. Why fight over something that cannot be changed. Being that upset over something that can no longer be controlled, and was not done on purpose, is out of line. No reason for it, it won’t solve anything. If he had not locked her out of the room for the night, it might (probably) would have been worse. Plus, he said she eventually made her way into the house. This would imply that there was an alternative entry. It didn’t sound like anyone else let her in, so how long could it have been?

And women are much more emotional creatures than men. It’s a fact. Not a bad thing, just a fact. It’s not sexist to point out certain qualities of a woman or a man. Men are physically stronger, women are more intuitive, men are more logical, women are more sensitive, etc… All these are just generalizations that tend to be true regardless of culture or location. There are always exceptions to the rule, but I was just trying to point out that she was in a very emotional state and furthering the arguement wouldn’t help anything.

By the way, I just checked this. The top 5 people in history with the highest tested IQ’s were men, BUT… women in general tend to have higher IQ’s than men. See? I’n not sexist.

 

[cheeto1]

Fatigue makes cowards of us all…
She must have been pretty scary.
Some people can get very very tired, especially while
they are sleeping. I have been so tired that I have hoped
that no one I know would die right now because I’d be too
tired to care. Wouldn’t it have been awful if your wife had
met with disaster out there while you were sleeping?

Now if you really weren’t scared of her, then yes, you were
mean. Being scared of her is the only logical reason you
could have for locking that bedroom door. Otherwise, it’s
clear you don’t love her.

 

[TylerAlex]

Could you imagine if your wife never came home that night… perhaps a car accident… or something worse? The thought of that happening to my wife would be… devastating.

I would personally ask for forgiveness, praise he for her patience, then pray together and thank the Lord for the blessings you have and the wisdom to see pass such trivial matters.

The sooner you could get back to loving each other the better… why wait? You know that is where you will (hopefully) end up anyway… why waste time getting there?

 

[BLB_Oregon]

Thanks again for all the advice, and no thanks for the sarcasm I saw in one reply.
I’ve apologized and acknowledged her concerns and fears and have committed to changing my behavior. It was difficult to do so beforehand because I couldn’t see the entire impact of what I was doing. I think we’ll be ok with some time. Some late night grumpiness had a little to do with it, but its not an excuse. You have all helped me see things differently.

-Johnny

Two things I’d suggest:

We have a joke: Rule Number One for an Unhappy Household: In Any Crisis, the First and Most Important Task is to Thoroughly Assess Blame. In other words, you can say “I’m so sorry” and not mean “It was all my fault, please beat me.” If it was your fault or her fault is not important. The first thing to do is to fix the situation and the second is to think about how it might reasonably be made less likely to happen again. Nobody is getting fired here, you are in fact one body, so deciding who to blame isn’t usually necessary.

The other thing is a rule: Don’t talk about anything too emotional “after 4:30”. This “after 4:30” is our code for any time that either of us is too tired or stressed out to be *fully *rational. When you say, “I think it is after 4:30”, you mean, “Let’s talk about this soon, but after we can eat/rest/cool off.” It is a self-imposed no-fault time-out. It works really well.

 

[shirleytowers]

You both seem to be being stubborn and not as mature as you might be.

You should always be in contact in case of trouble…sleep with the cell phone nearby. Failure to do so should result in a promise from you to do so in the future. End.

But she was only locked out for 1/2 hour? Was is below zero? No? Unpleasant but not deadly. If need be she could have broken a window. Not that big a deal IMO.

 

[hasikelee]

Hey man, don’t take it personally. Try to keep a level head in situations like that because she wasn’t really angry at you. She was scared and worried and she felt hurt and frustrated.

You perceived her reaction as “anger” but what she was most likely saying was “I am scared and hurt and I want you to hold me and reassure me.”

Then you closed the bedroom door and locked it. She didn’t go to bed with you because she put up a wall.

It’s not all about you, don’t worry! Girls act this way for most things and a guy who can realize what a girl is “really” saying can become a very good husband!

There are plenty of times when I act the way you describe your wife. Even if I seem angry or berserck, when my DF gives me a hug and says everything is okay instead of reacting meanly, he gets triple brownie points! There is no better way a guy can score than to do that.

Just think if you had lept out of bed and anxiously hugged her and asked if she was okay, then said something humerous and promised to keep the cellphone on your ear, she would have been cuddling up next to you that night, safe and happy.

Double score!

 

[Brenda_V]

But she was only locked out for 1/2 hour? Was is below zero? No? Unpleasant but not deadly. If need be she could have broken a window. Not that big a deal IMO.

She was only locked out for 1/2 an hour? Have you ever lived in a big city where the crime rate is pretty high? I certainly wouldn’t have wanted to be locked out of the house for that long in Phoenix (if that is indeed where they are from as indicated by the OP) 26 years ago when we lived there and even more so now!

As for breaking a window, maybe that is what she finally ended up doing and now she was worried about the cost of the window, the time involved in getting it fixed, the fact that this wasn’t even their own home, only temporary residence. This was an added stress to the scare and anger she was exhibiting to a husband who instead of using some understanding locked her out of her own bed in essence saying “I don’t care about you and I most certainly don’t want to talk to you”. This is not necessarily what he was saying but boy, when I read the original post that is what my first reaction was - it most definitely was a “I don’t want to resolve it tonight”.

Brenda V.