Counsel for friend

[PrayerGal]

Hello,

My best friend of many years recently told me that she cheated on her fiance with a married man who has children. I am struggling on many levels with this news (as I come from a background where infidelity took place in my parents’ marriage). Infidelity is an issue that touches the core with me.

I feel like this news is affecting my friendship with her. I have always respected my friend and now I feel I cannot look her in the eyes as I am so disgusted by her (sorry but the Truth). I worry about the future in protecting my own marriage and feeling like I could never invite her to my house because of her behavior. Could anyone offer advice on how I may be there for my friend as a support or even the legitimacy of my own feelings? She has shown incredible remorse and has a large sense of shame and guilt from what she has told me. I have been trying to talk with her about the sin of lust as I believe it is this sin that is at the root of infidelity. Could you also pray for my friend, all parties involved, and myself? This has been triggering a lot of past emotions.

Thank you in advance for any help, words of wisdom, advice.

 

[1ke]

I don’t think your reaction is in any way disproportionate to what she did. The thought that your marriage might be under attack next is not necessarily that far out there. Protecting your marriage is important.

however, you also said she expresses great remorse and regret. That is good. Encourage her to go to counseling with a holy priest or with a Catholic counselor to work through the issues that led to such an indiscretion BEFORE she gets married. This is a huge betrayal of her fiancé also.

I know many people will try to tell you to be there for her, that it shouldn’t impact your friendship, etc., but the fact is that it DOES change things. You may or may not be able to be as close as before. In this day and age, taking a stand against immoral behavior isn’t popular, and the live-and-let live mentality may make you out to be the bad guy for not being able to maintain a friendship after such an action.

We all deserve forgiveness and friendship. But it is foolish to think that the things we do don’t have consequences, and that devastated relationships may be a consequence of such behavior. Your friendship may end up being a casualty of her actions.

IOW, I guess my position is that sometimes it’s fine to say “that’s not OK” and end or distance a friendship that is no longer viable. I think there will be a lot of pressure on you not to do that. But, look, your family comes first.

 

[PrayerGal]

I should have noted that I am not married, but when the day comes that I do get married, I had looked to this person to stand up in my future wedding and someone I trusted (like a sister) that I could invite into my home. So, naturally, my fear/inclination, would be not to invite someone in my home who has clearly demonstrated behavior such as this. In fact, when I am discerning the type of female friendships I have, this is a key factor…that someone respects boundaries. My heart is feeling broken about this.

 

[ShrodingersCat]

I can’t tell you what to do, this is a difficult situation. I do have some food for thought though:

1. What do you think Jesus would do? Is she remorseful? Do you think she would do it again? People make mistakes and if they have moved on, is it fair to hold it against them forever?
2. Being afraid that she would try and seduce your future husband means that you wouldn’t be trusting him. I would suggest that cheating with a man when you don’t know his wife is easier than cheating with the husband of your best friend. In addition, if it did happen, it would be 50% your husband’s fault. I think that this is a far-off hypothetical that should not make you push her away, unless she was some kind of serial adulterer who had a history of stealing her friends’ partners.
3. You could encourage her to tell her fiancé. It is important that he knows before the wedding. I’m not suggesting you tell him.

 

[Trident_H]

I don’t think your reaction is in any way disproportionate to what she did. The thought that your marriage might be under attack next is not necessarily that far out there. Protecting your marriage is important.

however, you also said she expresses great remorse and regret. That is good. Encourage her to go to counseling with a holy priest or with a Catholic counselor to work through the issues that led to such an indiscretion BEFORE she gets married. This is a huge betrayal of her fiancé also.

I know many people will try to tell you to be there for her, that it shouldn’t impact your friendship, etc., but the fact is that it DOES change things. You may or may not be able to be as close as before. In this day and age, taking a stand against immoral behavior isn’t popular, and the live-and-let live mentality may make you out to be the bad guy for not being able to maintain a friendship after such an action.

We all deserve forgiveness and friendship. But it is foolish to think that the things we do don’t have consequences, and that devastated relationships may be a consequence of such behavior. Your friendship may end up being a casualty of her actions.

IOW, I guess my position is that sometimes it’s fine to say “that’s not OK” and end or distance a friendship that is no longer viable. I think there will be a lot of pressure on you not to do that. But, look, your family comes first.

I think this is good advice. I can’t say anything not already said here. And better worded too.

 

[1ke]

I should have noted that I am not married, but when the day comes that I do get married, I had looked to this person to stand up in my future wedding and someone I trusted (like a sister) that I could invite into my home. So, naturally, my fear/inclination, would be not to invite someone in my home who has clearly demonstrated behavior such as this. In fact, when I am discerning the type of female friendships I have, this is a key factor…that someone respects boundaries. My heart is feeling broken about this.

Well, since you aren’t married I suggest you cross that bridge when you come to it.

As for standing up in your wedding, I would also cross that bridge when you come to it.

Friendships come and go. I ended up having totally different people in my wedding party than I thought I would because my “best friend” wasn’t really a “best” any more when I got married. She had two young children of her own and it was better that she not try to be an attendant as well.

with this added information, I would have to say I think you are overanalyzing situations that you may never be in.

She hasn’t violated your boundaries, only your expectations. We all fall short. Try to forgive, take it a step a time, and see if her actions align with her statement of remorse.