Counseling---The Answer to Problems?

[Pax2u]

Most times when people post about serious issues with themselves or other people, counseling is recommended to them by those responding. I just think people need to approach this realistically…if the person going to counseling doesn’t do so with an open mind, honesty, and a willingness to change, chances are that counseling isn’t going to do anything for them. I do think it is helpful for the person trying to cope with the bad situation…but the person causing the problems…it seems like it will only help if that person approaches it sincerely.

I feel badly for people in a horrible situation who think “if I could only get xyz to go to counseling, things would be better.” That’s not necessarily so. Again, I guess the best to hope for is that the person experiencing the problem would get coping skills from counseling, or the strength to get out of a bad situation. But the person causing the grief…might just stay a sick or selfish person.

 

[AussieTrish]

I’ve often has some reservations also, but some people do appear to find some degree of help, or some clues as to how to cope with an unchanging situation, or even to gradually bring influence to change the situation or another’s attitudes by oneself changing ones approach and attitudes…

Counseling can provide guidelines and perspectives, but these won’t necessarily always be the right ones.
It’s possible that to some degree people may suggest counseling as it has been known to guide some people to whatever degree;
but also because those advising counseling feel distressed for the person who is suffering, and don’t really know how to help that person enough.

As you indicate, regardless of how good the advice, or even the counselling, the person still has to live each day with problems that won’t necessarily disappear.
Sometimes it does appear that the poster does attain some clarity or some hope from the responses, but even so, moment to moment living in difficult situations remains a challenge

 

[Pax2u]

God bless.

This is very true, but sometimes this truth is realized by people only after a few counseling sessions. You are right, if someone doesn’t have an open mind counseling probably won’t work, however if they are closed minded that shouldn’t stop them from at least giving it a try. I think that is why counseling is often encouraged here and I will continue to do so.

I say that because I know first hand people who have attended counseling closed minded thinking they are going to “get” the other person to change, then they slowly open up and with a good counselor realize that’s not how it is. A good counselor will work with people and hopefully get them to see that everyone involved in a family or marriage situation needs to make changes.

Good points, Monicad. I really was just “thinking out loud” on my post…and interested in the responses. Guess it helps a lot to get a “good” counselor. My DH always says about medical doctors “Someone had to graduate the last in their class” and you wouldn’t want that counselor!

 

[1ke]

Many people who post here have real psychological disorders, personality disorders, mental illnesses, and serious trauma (rape, PTSD, etc) and those are not things that can be handled through posting on a message board like this. Sometimes they are forthcoming that they have a mental illness or other issue, sometimes it becomes apparent over time with their postings.

CAF was not designed to assist people with those types of issues. Unfortunately, message boards attract people with such issues.

People with mental illnesses, psychological issues, addictions, and traumatic problems need help “in real life”. None of us are trained psychologists, and even those who are cannot diagnose via posts, and CAF rules prohibit medical advice for good reason.

 

[DAML72]

Most times when people post about serious issues with themselves or other people, counseling is recommended to them by those responding. I just think people need to approach this realistically…if the person going to counseling doesn’t do so with an open mind, honesty, and a willingness to change, chances are that counseling isn’t going to do anything for them. I do think it is helpful for the person trying to cope with the bad situation…but the person causing the problems…it seems like it will only help if that person approaches it sincerely.

I feel badly for people in a horrible situation who think “if I could only get xyz to go to counseling, things would be better.” That’s not necessarily so. Again, I guess the best to hope for is that the person experiencing the problem would get coping skills from counseling, or the strength to get out of a bad situation. But the person causing the grief…might just stay a sick or selfish person.

This is soooo true. Sometimes I see people recommending counseling and I just want to cringe because it is not an easy fix, nor will it work if the subject is not in the right state of mind. In fact, for people who have personality disorders, counseling often just helps them validate their own narcissistic and damaging behaviors.

When my husband walked out, I was able to get him to go to counseling (probably because he knew he would be required to do so by law if he filed for divorce). The only thing I think I can say I got out of those 6 months is the realization that I did everything I could to try to save the marriage. Otherwise, it was torture - it became an hour-long session of counselor-endorsed verbal and emotional abuse.

I don’t have a problem with counseling. I’ve seen wonderful counselors myself. Those who do cognitive behavioral therapy, who are proactive at helping their patients seek solutions are wonderful. But after all is said and done, we need Christ to fill those holes in our hearts - nobody else can do it.

 

[DAML72]

Good points, Monicad. I really was just “thinking out loud” on my post…and interested in the responses. Guess it helps a lot to get a “good” counselor. My DH always says about medical doctors “Someone had to graduate the last in their class” and you wouldn’t want that counselor!

Very true - a good counselor is worth their weight in gold. There are plenty of not-so-good ones out there.

 

[robwar]

Most times when people post about serious issues with themselves or other people, counseling is recommended to them by those responding. I just think people need to approach this realistically…if the person going to counseling doesn’t do so with an open mind, honesty, and a willingness to change, chances are that counseling isn’t going to do anything for them. I do think it is helpful for the person trying to cope with the bad situation…but the person causing the problems…it seems like it will only help if that person approaches it sincerely.

I feel badly for people in a horrible situation who think “if I could only get xyz to go to counseling, things would be better.” That’s not necessarily so. Again, I guess the best to hope for is that the person experiencing the problem would get coping skills from counseling, or the strength to get out of a bad situation. But the person causing the grief…might just stay a sick or selfish person.

Many of the people that are looking for help or advice have complex situations are not going to have easy surface answers from strangers on the internet. Likewise, anyone can post anything on the internet either to make themselves look like the innocent victim and the other person (spouse, child etc) the evil doer. Only getting and receiving help in real life and time is going to try to begin to heal or resolve the situation. Now maybe there has to be a search for the best counselor or therapist to help, but if someone is truly looking for help and healing, they ought to be going to someone trained to do such work. I’ve seen some pretty horrific advice given by well meaning persons. I’m not sure which is worst, bad advice given over the internet by strangers that don’t have to whole story and have no training or qualifications to do so, or trying to work with one or two different counselors.

 

[Cricket2]

Most times when people post about serious issues with themselves or other people, counseling is recommended to them by those responding. I just think people need to approach this realistically…if the person going to counseling doesn’t do so with an open mind, honesty, and a willingness to change, chances are that counseling isn’t going to do anything for them. I do think it is helpful for the person trying to cope with the bad situation…but the person causing the problems…it seems like it will only help if that person approaches it sincerely.

I feel badly for people in a horrible situation who think “if I could only get xyz to go to counseling, things would be better.” That’s not necessarily so. Again, I guess the best to hope for is that the person experiencing the problem would get coping skills from counseling, or the strength to get out of a bad situation. But the person causing the grief…might just stay a sick or selfish person.

You are so right. I think counseling is fine for those who seek and want it. As far as “trouble makers” go, or those intent on causing the problem at hand I think it accomplishes little.

Sometimes the best thing that can happen in cases like this, is those who are being victimized by them to set the offenders out of their lives or to at least change their response to the bully. By making this change the offender has to do something different eventually.

It could be that the “bully” moves on and takes themselves out of the lives of those who will not tolerate their behavior, but they are the one that has to do that. Maybe this is the only way they figure out that they have to change or can even come to the point of repentance. There is nothing like being totally on your own and by yourself to figure out your “fault” and “problem areas.” After all there is no one to blame when things go bad but yourself.

I am sure we have all heard something like this: You can’t really change another person unless they want to change. You can however, change your response and own behavior as it relates to theirs. It is kind of similar to throwing a wrench into the gears…they starting failing at what they are trying to do because you change how you respond to them. Sorry if I rambled on this one.

 

[Catherine22]

I agree entirely. Years ago I was in counselling with my ex in an abusive, controlling relationship and the counsellor advised me to do everything possible to safely get out, as it was clear he was not willing to change. I have also received good reading material from a therapist who uses cognitive behavioral therapy, but have realized she is not the counsellor for me because I am seeking a truly catholic counsellor. In the end Jesus is the only one who can provide our best comfort and help.

 

[Pax2u]

Many of the people that are looking for help or advice have complex situations are not going to have easy surface answers from strangers on the internet. Likewise, anyone can post anything on the internet either to make themselves look like the innocent victim and the other person (spouse, child etc) the evil doer. Only getting and receiving help in real life and time is going to try to begin to heal or resolve the situation. Now maybe there has to be a search for the best counselor or therapist to help, but if someone is truly looking for help and healing, they ought to be going to someone trained to do such work. I’ve seen some pretty horrific advice given by well meaning persons. I’m not sure which is worst, bad advice given over the internet by strangers that don’t have to whole story and have no training or qualifications to do so, or trying to work with one or two different counselors.

Very good points. Sometimes I see a poster getting two totally different kinds of advice, and sometimes it’s a lot easier to choose the wrong direction because it’s the easiest…and if you can get someone to agree with you, that choice is easier to make, in spite of your inner voice telling you otherwise.

 

[robwar]

I agree entirely. Years ago I was in counselling with my ex in an abusive, controlling relationship and the counsellor advised me to do everything possible to safely get out, as it was clear he was not willing to change. I have also received good reading material from a therapist who uses cognitive behavioral therapy, but have realized she is not the counsellor for me because I am seeking a truly catholic counsellor. In the end Jesus is the only one who can provide our best comfort and help.

Jesus is the answer can be said for any kind of problem which include, medical, legal, and relationship advice. From what you shared, you received good counsel and acted on it. However, Jesus does work through doctors lawyers and therapists/counselors. If some came on CAF and said they thought they had cancer, what would you say? You would say, pray and go see the Dr. How much less true in very bad family situations and problems, people with depression and anxiety, PTSD, abuse etc and so on. The best answer for them isn’t sound bite advice over the internet. I am sorry about your marriage, I hope and pray that you are on the path to healing and wholeness.