Counselor Says Husband Might Not Have the Capacity for Marriage

[whitetulips]

I’ve posted several times about my marriage here in this section, so bear with me. Long story short though, I’ve been going to counseling with a Catholic therapist. A faithful Catholic, not just Catholic in name. He said there’s a chance my husband doesn’t have the capacity for marriage. My husband’s been suffering from depression so things have been rocky for some months and we got married almost a year ago. Anyone ever heard of a faithful Catholic therapist saying this? My husband doesn’t have anything that I would think would make him “not have the capacity for marriage.” I know I haven’t explained a ton of context here but just any thoughts in general? I reached out to my spiritual director as well for a time to talk soon.

 

[Irishmom2]

Unless your therapist has met with your husband multiple times, I do not think it is fair or helpful to make such an assessment about your husband.

Is your husband getting help for his depression?

 

[whitetulips]

Unless your therapist has met with your husband multiple times, I do not think it is fair or helpful to make such an assessment about your husband.

Is your husband getting help for his depression?

That’s what I’m thinking too. My husband has only joined me for one session so my counselor doesn’t know him well, just what I’ve told him. And I’ve tried to be objective in what I’ve told him. And yes my husband’s been to the doctor and been on medication for a month now, and he is seeming more like himself. Not all the way there but progress is being made.

 

[Irishmom2]

That’s good. I hope in addition to medication, your husband is getting counseling.

I think if I were you, I would use therapy not as a time to discuss your husband, but to find ways to cope with his personality. To learn skills, or speak about my own problems.

 

[whitetulips]

That’s good. I hope in addition to medication, your husband is getting counseling.

I think if I were you, I would use therapy not as a time to discuss your husband, but to find ways to cope with his personality. To learn skills, or speak about my own problems.

I’ve brought counseling up multiple times but he really doesn’t want to do it; it makes him super anxious thinking about it and he just pretty much shuts down. And yes the skills the counselor is teaching me are helpful for my own emotional stability so that’s good at least.

 

[whitetulips]

That’s good. I hope in addition to medication, your husband is getting counseling.

I think if I were you, I would use therapy not as a time to discuss your husband, but to find ways to cope with his personality. To learn skills, or speak about my own problems.

I’ve brought counseling up multiple times but he really doesn’t want to do it; it makes him super anxious thinking about it and he just pretty much shuts down. And yes the skills the counselor is teaching me are helpful for my own emotional stability so that’s good.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

He said there’s a chance my husband doesn’t have the capacity for marriage.

That’s an awful thing to say. You’d think a “faithful Catholic” would know better. But everyone has blind spots. So no need to qualify Catholics as faithful or anything else.

 

[Kindnessmatters]

Unless your husband has confided s deal breaker to the counselor (for example, bring homosexual) I cannot imagine how they would come to such a conclusion.

 

[Ammi]

Maybe this counselor has seen marriages go to the tribunal and receive annulments for this type of thing.

It’s a liberal world, when it comes to Catholic annulments.

 

[Ammi]

There are wide ranging interpretations of mental in capacities afforded annulments. This has been criticized by Rome.

I’m suprised it’s hard for you to imagine a counselor sharing this concern.

 

[Lou2U]

Let’s not turn this thread into another annulment debate.

@whitetulips, I’m glad you are getting counseling. Keep talking to your husband about it, because it would really help him.

It is difficult to know what your therapist means. Does he mean ‘capacity’ in a more legal/annulment sense, or did he mean more in an emotional sense? Maybe he meant that your husband’s depression is clouding his ability to be a good husband to you?

I would think over what you’ve talked about with him so far and see if there’s anything you think may have given him that impression. But I think if I were you, I would just ask him what he meant the next time you see him.

 

[Ammi]

It is difficult to know what your therapist means. Does he mean ‘capacity’ in a more legal/annulment sense, or did he mean more in an emotional sense? Maybe he meant that your husband’s depression is clouding his ability to be a good husband to you?

Those “senses” are both compatible with a legal declaration. I think the counselor knows exactly were he is going with this.

OP, I would encourage you to help your husband through his depression. When he resists counselling (of which another counselor may be better to find for him) express the seriousness you feel about it.

Counseling should have the opposite effect of anxiety.

 

[Kindnessmatters]

It’s a pretty sweeping statement that a person doesn’t have capacity for marriage. The original post does not mention psychosis, intellectual disability, physical incompetence or other severe mental illness so it would be very irresponsible to make such a comment, unless some integral aspect of the person such as (and this is only an example…not projecting on the case at hand) they are not straight, were revealed in therapy.

Even narcissists, bipolar people, people with sexual addictions, addicts, etc. Can ultimately succeed in marriage if committed to work on their mental wellness, sobriety or other concerns.

 

[Ammi]

It’s a pretty sweeping statement that a person doesn’t have capacity for marriage.

Yes. That’s my point. That incapacity for marriage is very sweeping for the United States mentality.

I happen to agree with you, that much of what is considered incapacity, is actually not.

I believe this counselor used that language knowing its implications. Incapacity is an impediment. Having weaknesses and difficulties living a vow does not mean incapacity to establish a marriage, or overcome faults.

 

[Convert3]

It takes several months and some adjustments to get the medication right. But it changed my life. I wasn’t a big fan of counseling, but I did go for six weeks. I did learn a few tricks to cope with my anxiety. But I’m glad it’s over.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Honestly, if my counselor was offering up such statements based on a single meeting and a frustrated young spouse’s confidences, I’d be looking for a new counselor. This seems to be quite unprofessional.

 

[Ammi]

That’s possible. But it’s also possible a tribunal would agree.

 

[Irishmom2]

I don’t think we need to jump to a tribunal just yet. The OP said nothing about divorce and annulments.

 

[Ammi]

No, I agree. The counselor implied it. In strong terms actually.

I’m much more against civil divorce, and asking for an annulment than most Catholics.

 

[whitetulips]

Honestly, if my counselor was offering up such statements based on a single meeting and a frustrated young spouse’s confidences, I’d be looking for a new counselor. This seems to be quite unprofessional.

I’ve met with him probably 10 or so times so this wasn’t the first meeting, but even in the first session after me explaining my marriage situation he said that there was a potential for separation to be in order later on if things didn’t get better. And there’s no abuse going on or anything. And I’ve tried to be objective in explaining what’s happening and in a way that gives my husband the benefit of the doubt, and last night my counselor essentially said it’s great that I’m being empathetic of my husband but I might need to be more assertive. So I’m not painting my husband in a negative light I don’t think, just explaining the issues that we have indeed had. So yeah I really don’t know why he’s saying he might not have the capacity for marriage and I’m questioning if I should keep going forward with this counselor, though I only have a few sessions left.