Couple in dilemma-help

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iluvmybabies

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Well here I am again!! Sorry everyone for the bother, but over the weekend, one of my friends made a confession to me, they are a young couple, they had been dating for 5 years married for 3, Catholics, have one child, and since I have been attending this forum I have been speaking to them as well as others in our congregation about the things I have been learning here and they have been trying to practice NFP. They never have, as stated before, our priest and several others around our city have stated that birth control during marriage is acceptable, so they have been using contraception, they have their 9 year old born before marriage, and pretty much before they got serious together, but so far it’s worked out…since they started using NFP since I found out about it and helped them understand it more, they seemed super happy!!! Well I was wrong…

This weekend she confessed that they are both miserable, and they don’t even have sex any more…She stated that because of their income situations they are having such a difficult time supporting their only child that they are terrified of having another one at this time, so her husband has stopped having sex with her. She told me he even moved out into the guest room, because he was scared of the “temptation” of sleeping with his wife and getting her pg. I couldn’t believe it! I thought it would help them to know they were in the wrong about contraception and now I am responsible for destroying a marriage!! 😦

I don’t know how to help them nor fix this…I think it would have been better to never have mentioned it to them… They went from the perfect couple to a non-existent couple…They love to party, and not even that any more…she told me that he told her why, and when I asked why no more parties, she said that usually they engaged in some passionate times and he’s a fraid she’s going to get pg…I mean she told me that he is nowhere near her when she’s bathing, getting dressed, or even putting on makeup…their going out times have gone from almost every weekend to none at all, she doesn’t even dress up nice any more, because before it drove her hubby crazy and now he sees her all sexy and he leaves without saying a word…I was wondering why several weeks ago other day after she stopped by my house she was looking gorgeous and hot, had this very provocative outfit on and she told me I should try it with my bf whenever we got married to see what a great miracle it did to my man as it did on hers, and then all of a sudden I see her with nothing but sweats and tshirts…I mean they had a very passionate relationship…

If this continues they will separate because there is so much tension between them I have noticed them taking it out on their son, unwillingly…No one is even happy to be around them any more…it’s really sad and I don’t know what to advise them…

I have been praying for them, but I don’t know how else to help them…I feel horrible and I understand the concern, since my bf and I spoke about the risks with NFP and everything and even though he’s not so sure about it is willing to make me happy and to participate because it’s what is required of us Catholics, when we are married…

I am so terrified it will happen to me as well…I all ready have 3 children barely making it and to think having a 4th or 5th or more will destroy my second marriage because of the lack of income, as it happened in my first marriage!! 😦

Very sad and very depressed about what I did to my friends…She has been avoiding me until this weekend, and I understand why she doesn’t want me around any more…I just don’t know what to do to help her…I don’t want that child to be without his father… 😦 I should know how hard that is…
 
Please get the couple the name of an orthodox Catholic Priest - one who teaches the Faith. Point them to the Catechism and other on-line resources for learning Catholic teaching.

They should contact their teaching couple who instructed them in NFP and get advice from them.

God always rewards faithfulness.
 
kage_ar said:
Please get the couple the name of an orthodox Catholic Priest - one who teaches the Faith. Point them to the Catechism and other on-line resources for learning Catholic teaching.

They should contact their teaching couple who instructed them in NFP and get advice from them.

God always rewards faithfulness.
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I have asked them to go speak with their priest, he objects, says there is nothing wrong and that all is fine…
She of course in tears told me this…

I am not supposed to know their problems and I feel terrible about it…I told her just drag him there tell him you have an appointment with your son’s teacher since their son goes to Catholic school, he still doesn’t budge, he’ll tell her things like, “you can handle them I’ll talk to you later!” and take off without her…It’s very sad…
 
iluvmybabies said:
They went from the perfect couple to a non-existent couple…
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iluvmybabies said:
I have asked them to go speak with their priest,** he objects, says there is nothing wrong and that all is fine…**
She of course in tears told me this…

I am not supposed to know their problems and I feel terrible about it…I told her just drag him there tell him you have an appointment with your son’s teacher since their son goes to Catholic school, he still doesn’t budge, **he’ll tell her things like, “you can handle them I’ll talk to you later!” and take off without her…**It’s very sad…
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Obviously they were not the “perfect couple” before this then. They should get some counselling. None of this is good for their child:(
 
iluvmybabies said:
I am so terrified it will happen to me as well…I all ready have 3 children barely making it and to think having a 4th or 5th or more will destroy my second marriage because of the lack of income, as it happened in my first marriage!! 😦

…
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This may be another thread, but, if a child will destroy your marriage, it would be best to stay unmarried until those circumstances are resolved.

Please read the Catechism on marriage:

[1652](javascript:openWindow(‘cr/1652.htm’)😉 “By its very nature the institution of marriage and married love is ordered to the procreation and education of the offspring and it is in them that it finds its crowning glory.”
Children are the supreme gift of marriage and contribute greatly to the good of the parents themselves. God himself said: “It is not good that man should be alone,” and “from the beginning [he] made them male and female”; wishing to associate them in a special way in his own creative work, God blessed man and woman with the words: “Be fruitful and multiply.” Hence, true married love and the whole structure of family life which results from it, without diminishment of the other ends of marriage, are directed to disposing the spouses to cooperate valiantly with the love of the Creator and Savior, who through them will increase and enrich his family from day to day.
 
iluvmybabies said: “our priest and several others around our city have stated that birth control during marriage is acceptable”

Has any of you wondered why.

This topic is not as simple as it looks but priests know much more that we all in this forum do. Sorry, but we don’t have all those years of training. They know their responsibility before God about what they preach. Think about it.

I hope it is not too late for this couple to rediscover their marriage.
They will be in my prayers
 
kage_ar said:
Point her to these resources.

www.foryourmarriage.org

www.exceptionalmarriages.com

www.ccli.org

Dressing in overtly sexy outfits and engaging in lustful actions when you go out for a willd party are not exactly the sign of a happy marriage, so, it is best to leave this to trained professionals.
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She did this for her hubby not for anyone else…he enjoyed looking at his wife a lot…and I thought it was very romantic…why not be sexy for your husband?? Or provocative for him?? You know? So I definitely thought it was great for them…

I mean I would always get asked by my ex why I never dressed sexy for him, and I didn’t understand the need…but obviously as many men on this forum have expressed they are attracted to what they see and if they have a gorgeous woman infront of them then they will be attracted to her and want her, so why not it be your wife to attract you? She knew this and played her part very well…It’s understandable…
 
First of all, you did not destroy their marriage. There was something wrong underneath the “perfection”. Also, if the priest is telling them that artificial birth control is OK, then he needs to be reported to his bishop because that violates official Church teaching. If they can’t afford to get pregnant again, how can they afford to go out frequently? There are many red flags here regarding their marriage, but your concern for them is not one of them. Again, there was something wrong before you and NFP came into the scene. Pray for them.

Peace,
Linda
 
kage_ar said:
They should contact their teaching couple who instructed them in NFP and get advice from them.
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to the OP:

did they receive formal instruction in NFP from a certified teacher?

I could not find anywhere in the thread whether they did this or not. If so, I second kage’s recommendation to go back for more counseling/teaching (NOT to the priest who thinks ABC is OK). If not, I think they really need to go to a formal training and counseling with a certified NFP instructor. If he refuses, she at least needs to learn more.

While I cannot predict the likelihood of an unintended pregnancy, if they are using NFP without having been fully schooled in it, I think it is a lot more likely that she will get pregnant that way than if they are using one specific, well-taught method of NFP, backed up by the ability to go to a person who is trained in the method with any questions they may have.
 
mmt4 said:
to the OP:

did they receive formal instruction in NFP from a certified teacher?

I could not find anywhere in the thread whether they did this or not. If so, I second kage’s recommendation to go back for more counseling/teaching (NOT to the priest who thinks ABC is OK). If not, I think they really need to go to a formal training and counseling with a certified NFP instructor. If he refuses, she at least needs to learn more.

While I cannot predict the likelihood of an unintended pregnancy, if they are using NFP without having been fully schooled in it, I think it is a lot more likely that she will get pregnant that way than if they are using one specific, well-taught method of NFP, backed up by the ability to go to a person who is trained in the method with any questions they may have.
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I second this post. They may very well be under the impression that NFP is the “rhythm method” and just fumbling around blindly! They need to take a class if it is offered in your area. I strongly recommend the book “Taking Charge of Your Fertility.” It is a good book for learning the Sympto-thermal method of NFP. It is NOT a Catholic book, but one can ignore the parts that contradict Catholic teaching (such as the recommendation to use condoms during the fertile period instead of just abstaining.). It is written by a nurse and is in very simple, plain language.
 
ChristinaM said:
I strongly recommend the book “Taking Charge of Your Fertility.” It is a good book for learning the Sympto-thermal method of NFP. It is NOT a Catholic book, but one can ignore the parts that contradict Catholic teaching (such as the recommendation to use condoms during the fertile period instead of just abstaining.). It is written by a nurse and is in very simple, plain language.
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I owned that and The Art of Natural Family Planning. TCOYF is the one I lent out to my nonCatholic friends for information on fertility and conception - its a good resource for trying to get pregnant as well as learning more about your fertility. I found TCOYF to be very clear, and a fairly easy read.
 
This will not be a popular answer.

It sounds to me as though your friends are on the verge of losing their marriage and/or abaondoning Christian teaching altogether.

If that’s the case, if they really are on the verge of such an extreme moral and personal precipice thre are two more options they should first explore.

1.) Consider that maybe NFP, with its associated risks of more children is not all that bad. Having an ooops baby can be quite a trauma, but it is not nearly as awful as losing marriage and faith.

They should suck it up. An “ooops” baby, even on a limited income, is not the end of the world and can be one of the most beautiful and fufilling experiences a person ever has.

2.) Consider Luthernanism. I think God smiles on Lutherans more than on those who sacrifice their amrriage and/or abandon faith altogether.

Being a true and devout Catholic is, of course, the best option.
But 1.) or 2.) are each far better than losing one’s marriage and losing one’s faith in Christ.
 
Thanks, everyone for your advise…and help…Since she doesn’t answer my calls, I have been leaving her messages, advising her of the things many of you have told me…I still feel terrible…Well as most of us know, when you have a certain lifestyle with just one child a second baby will deminish that lifestyle and thus resulting in the inability to support a second child willingly and lovingly…

Several of my other friends who had extreme lifestyles gave up a lot of things for their children but that was because they both wanted children and 2 of them…so that is a different story than this one…

I mean I understand where they are coming from, you know, you all ready have this way of life, your child is almost a teen so you only have one worry, and you still enjoy going out etc…She told me that she was planning on trying to have a child before she was 40 but not when she was 30 and her husband agreed and said that would have been fine but that right now wasn’t a good time…I mean I have seen them together more often lately than before, but I can see she’s still not happy or maybe they have decided to forget about NFP and just go for the other birth control you know?

I just think that she did go to an NFP teacher but I don’t know for sure…Maybe she just read books on it once I mentioned it to her?!

Anyhow thanks for your help…
 
iluvmybabies said:
She did this for her hubby not for anyone else…he enjoyed looking at his wife a lot…and I thought it was very romantic…why not be sexy for your husband?? Or provocative for him?? You know? So I definitely thought it was great for them…

I mean I would always get asked by my ex why I never dressed sexy for him, and I didn’t understand the need…but obviously as many men on this forum have expressed they are attracted to what they see and if they have a gorgeous woman infront of them then they will be attracted to her and want her, so why not it be your wife to attract you? She knew this and played her part very well…It’s understandable…
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What stands out to me is that their sex life is not about love, it is about lust. I see nothing wrong with looking provacative and being sexy for your husband if done in the proper context. Not flaunting it out for everyone, but that attraction with one’s husband is important. When used in a proper loving way.

Men are very visual and will enjoy the sight of their wives in lingerie, naked, in a pretty dress, in sweatpants it happens, but we must remember that the beauty they possess is of God and Christ warned us of lusting with our eyes. Men, myself included, have to be aware of this. The sight of my beautiful wife is one thing that I could stare at and get lost in for hours, but not out of lust, out of the beauty of the body that God gave her.

It sounds like their relationship is based on sex and that is not what should be the basis for any marriage. Love is the foundation of any strong marriage grounded in Jesus Christ. Seems as if the focus of this marriage has gone astray.

Learn the true meaning of sex. Learn the true meaning of NFP. And talk to a good priest that does not support birth control.
 
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