Cousins Wedding

[PJD1987]

Hello,

First off, I thought this might go best here, but if it belongs in “Liturgy and Sacraments” please feel free to move it.

Okay, so my issue is a personal family issue that I’m not quite sure how to handle. I suppose that’s not entirely accurate because I don’t particularly have a choice in the matter due to family dynamics and such, but anyway, here’s the situation:

My cousin dated this guy during high school and then as (most) of those situations turn out they went their separate ways and he got married to someone else and she was married in a civil ceremony by a judge a few years ago to a different man. The marriage lasted a few months or so and then my cousin got divorced.

The guy she dated during high school had a child with the woman he married, but also got divorced during this time period. After they both were divorced they started dating again and she has been living with him for over a year now, and now they are getting married in another civil ceremony in July. She lives in a different state and I live with my parents at the moment so we are traveling as a family across the country to attend this wedding (my cousin is also my parent’s Godchild). So I don’t really have a choice of whether or not to attend this wedding. It’s just not possible given the family dynamics, it would just cause a huge dramatic fight.

I’m really the only practicing Catholic in my family, and I’ve tried hard to be the best witness I can be to my parents, but my parents also were previously married before they married each other and had me…so it’s a very complex issue to try to discuss. (Incidentally, my mother got an annulment, but my father refuses to, as he feels it would be a betrayal to his previous wife and children to “pretend it didn’t happen”). So…needless to say, I can’t just announce I’m not going, I’m kind of forced to attend due to the family situation and my parents wishes for us to attend.

Also, as a side-note, I went to visit my cousin last year and stayed with her for the duration of my vacation and she took me to Mass and actually attended Mass with me. She said, very casually I might add, that she “couldn’t remember the last time” she had been to Mass. Before the Eucharist was distributed I asked her if she was going to receive and she said of course said “Yes”. And I didn’t really feel like that was the time or place to have that discussion, and I never actually had the discussion with her because (and I’m sure some of you may know this situation), trying to explain these things to someone so uncatechized(?) is like explaining astrophysics to a 2nd grader. Especially when someone isn’t even open to hearing the Truth or learning about it.

So…the main point is, I feel like I have let a previous chance to be a good witness to my cousin pass by, and yet not attending her wedding is A. impossible and B. not worth the trouble it would cause. I suppose there may be some out there who would feel strong enough to make an impassioned defense of the Church in this situation, but I do not, to my everlasting shame. And thus, I feel badly about not being able to be a better witness to my cousin, and not having the courage and/or patience to explain all these things.

I guess the question is, should I feel upset about my inability to properly evangelize my family? Is this “letting down” Jesus and His Church?

I feel very badly about this, but I don’t know what to do. Thanks for your thoughts!

God bless!

P.S. Sorry that was fairly long…

 

[chimo]

Hello,

First off, I thought this might go best here, but if it belongs in “Liturgy and Sacraments” please feel free to move it.

Okay, so my issue is a personal family issue that I’m not quite sure how to handle. I suppose that’s not entirely accurate because I don’t particularly have a choice in the matter due to family dynamics and such, but anyway, here’s the situation:

My cousin dated this guy during high school and then as (most) of those situations turn out they went their separate ways and he got married to someone else and she was married in a civil ceremony by a judge a few years ago to a different man. The marriage lasted a few months or so and then my cousin got divorced.

The guy she dated during high school had a child with the woman he married, but also got divorced during this time period. After they both were divorced they started dating again and she has been living with him for over a year now, and now they are getting married in another civil ceremony in July. She lives in a different state and I live with my parents at the moment so we are traveling as a family across the country to attend this wedding (my cousin is also my parent’s Godchild). So I don’t really have a choice of whether or not to attend this wedding. It’s just not possible given the family dynamics, it would just cause a huge dramatic fight.

I’m really the only practicing Catholic in my family, and I’ve tried hard to be the best witness I can be to my parents, but my parents also were previously married before they married each other and had me…so it’s a very complex issue to try to discuss. (Incidentally, my mother got an annulment, but my father refuses to, as he feels it would be a betrayal to his previous wife and children to “pretend it didn’t happen”). So…needless to say, I can’t just announce I’m not going, I’m kind of forced to attend due to the family situation and my parents wishes for us to attend.

Also, as a side-note, I went to visit my cousin last year and stayed with her for the duration of my vacation and she took me to Mass and actually attended Mass with me. She said, very casually I might add, that she “couldn’t remember the last time” she had been to Mass. Before the Eucharist was distributed I asked her if she was going to receive and she said of course said “Yes”. And I didn’t really feel like that was the time or place to have that discussion, and I never actually had the discussion with her because (and I’m sure some of you may know this situation), trying to explain these things to someone so uncatechized(?) is like explaining astrophysics to a 2nd grader. Especially when someone isn’t even open to hearing the Truth or learning about it.

So…the main point is, I feel like I have let a previous chance to be a good witness to my cousin pass by, and yet not attending her wedding is A. impossible and B. not worth the trouble it would cause. I suppose there may be some out there who would feel strong enough to make an impassioned defense of the Church in this situation, but I do not, to my everlasting shame. And thus, I feel badly about not being able to be a better witness to my cousin, and not having the courage and/or patience to explain all these things.

I guess the question is, should I feel upset about my inability to properly evangelize my family? Is this “letting down” Jesus and His Church?

I feel very badly about this, but I don’t know what to do. Thanks for your thoughts!

God bless!

P.S. Sorry that was fairly long…

My mother taught me never to correct someone unless they asked to be corrected. I told that to a priest and he quickly told me that wisdom is from God. I have plenty of relatives who are in the same position as yours and the only thing you can do is to be there for them. I have taught one cousin to remain firmly in the faith but she was willingly and throughout the 6 years with her she is more firmly in the faith than anyone else in my family. I sense with my experience with my cousin that she was not at fault because no one took the time to be with her. I did and after many discussions (and fights) she was led into a greater faith. But remember I didn’t told her so but waited for an opening for her to ask me. When the opening came my cousin listened and she is now one of my best friends.

 

[robwar]

How old are you? If you are an adult do you really need to go? If you are on your own and uncomfortable with going are you able to beg off even if you don’t give a reason? Sounds like a big mess to me.

 

[PJD1987]

How old are you? If you are an adult do you really need to go? If you are on your own and uncomfortable with going are you able to beg off even if you don’t give a reason? Sounds like a big mess to me.

I am an adult, currently living back with the parents due to our lovely economy here in the US. Thus, their roof, their rules. Besides, I don’t get to go back home very often and I’m going on the trip to see family and friends I haven’t seen in entirely too long. There was no discussion about whether I was going or not. I’m going. But that’s all backstory, really. The question is have I erred in my decision-making process as to how best to be a witness to my family? I suppose I’m looking for either affirmation in my previous attempts and/or ideas as to how best be a better witness in the future given the circumstances…

It’s not as big a mess as I may have made it sound, I just added a lot of detail to give a better idea of why this is such a touchy subject for me and my family.

 

[Christy_Beth]

I think you need to have a sit down with your parents. They may have their rules, but they also need to respect the fact that you are and adult now. Maybe a discussion of the ground rules would work. Like, if you are to pay them “rent” or not, or otherwise help pay for expenses. Other stuff, like how to deal with this wedding bit can also be discussed. Or should I say must be discussed. If you feel uncomfortable with it, then your attendance shouldn’t be forced.

 

[Anglewannabe]

This is definitely a touchy situation. And IMO adult or not, your parents are 100% right in saying their roof, their rules.

So, the only way to NOT go to the wedding is to ask to talk about it. I am not sure your parents will understand being a witness to Jesus, so perhaps just say you don’t want to go.

However, there is such a thing as prudence and if not going means you will be homeless, then you can go.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I think you need to have a sit down with your parents. They may have their rules, but they also need to respect the fact that you are and adult now. …] If you feel uncomfortable with it, then your attendance shouldn’t be forced.

This. I admit I don’t understand this insistence on “their house-their rules”. It must be a cultural thing I guess. You are not a child and this is an issue you obviously feel uncomfortable with. You have every right to refuse to attend, and whether you do that should have nothing to do with whether you are living with your parents for the time being.

As for the main poin - whether you let Jesus down and failing to witness to your family - I don’t think you have failed. We can’t make people believe and make them take their faith seriosuly. We can be a good example, instruct them and pray for them and that’s about it. Just keep doing what you have been doing.

 

[Chantal25]

So…the main point is, I feel like I have let a previous chance to be a good witness to my cousin pass by, and yet not attending her wedding is A. impossible and B. not worth the trouble it would cause. I suppose there may be some out there who would feel strong enough to make an impassioned defense of the Church in this situation, but I do not, to my everlasting shame. And thus, I feel badly about not being able to be a better witness to my cousin, and not having the courage and/or patience to explain all these things.

I guess the question is, should I feel upset about my inability to properly evangelize my family? Is this “letting down” Jesus and His Church?

I feel very badly about this, but I don’t know what to do. Thanks for your thoughts!

God bless!

First, i want to say that i love the reply from Chimo. I love this wisdom that her mom told her. I tend to do the same. I want to add that you should without a doubt start praying on their behalf. I would do novena and certainly most of all Rosaries (mysteries). Saint Therese of Lisieux wrote that she won more heart with prayer/fasting then with words.

This was brought in your attention, now your duty is to pray for them.

Love and blessings!

 

[robwar]

I think you need to have a sit down with your parents. They may have their rules, but they also need to respect the fact that you are and adult now. Maybe a discussion of the ground rules would work. Like, if you are to pay them “rent” or not, or otherwise help pay for expenses. Other stuff, like how to deal with this wedding bit can also be discussed. Or should I say must be discussed. If you feel uncomfortable with it, then your attendance shouldn’t be forced.

I agree with this. You are an adult and even though you currently live at home doesn’t mean that you are now a slave to “rules”. I am sure it would help if you can pay them rent or help with other expenses which should give you more autonomy. If you want to go and see other family then you will be going to the wedding, not really because you agree with this because you don’t but you are going to keep communication open with them. About witnessing to them over this and other issues, from what you describe of them, they are not really going to listen to you over what the Church teaches about marriage etc. They are simply too far down the road to listen. While your cousin shouldn’t have gone up for the Eucharist, If you said something to her, I am not sure she would have listen to you anyway and went and then gotten mad at you as being judgmental. There is not much you can do with people like this but pray and pray for yourself for wisdom in dealing with them.
Pray that their hearts will be soften to God. Your parents seem pretty pushy and domineering and sometimes people like that won’t listen or respect anyone unless the person (you) put your foot down, draw a line in the sand and say, “I’m not supporting this or going along” and then be willing to let the chips fall where they might and walk away. I guess I see two angles to go with you but going back and living at home is a disadvantage for you to do so. This is hard to judge from a distance.