Cremation Remains as a "gift"

[deogratias4]

I recently learned that I have 4 brothers. The oldest brother came to meet me and “gifted” me a necklace with a vial that contains some of the ashes of my biological father, whom I learned passed away this past February. I never knew my biological father, or anything about him. It is highly doubtful that he was Catholic, or even Christian for that matter. As a Catholic, I know that it is not okay to keep the ashes in my home. But the cemeteries that have contacted me back all tell me that 1) The ashes must be complete, they cannot inter partial ashes, and 2) He had to have been a Catholic.

I do not know what to do. Do I give this “gift” back to my newfound brother? What is the proper thing to do in this situation? Any and all help is greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!

 

[CRV]

The only advice I can give you is what I’d do if I was in your place, with all these circumstances. Go and obtain the advice of your parish priest.

 

[FiveLinden]

From my reading of the Catholic position on human remains there is a general guideline of respect and guidelines specific to the remains of Catholics.

In general (I’m not a believer) I would say you should delay a decision until after you have resolved any emotional issues about your family reunification. That may be years.

If the presence of the cremains worries you you could ask someone else to care for them in the meantime or place them somewhere secure away from your home such as in a bank deposit box. Or if you decide to dispose of them entirely do you have a family of friend’s family grave in which you could informally put them? For such a small amount there need be no paper work. Hope all goes well with your family new and old.

 

[Minks]

@deogratias4

Welcome to CAF, Patty. Explore every nook and cranny to learn all the facets of CAF and catholic.com. Click everyplace you can, in order to take every possible advantage of this site. The more you learn, the faster you grow in faith.

As to your immediate problem, if it were mine, I’d have two goals. The first would be not to offend Our Lord, and the second would be not to offend my “new” oldest brother.

Initially, I’d go to a jeweler and ask that he put the ashes into a separate container, replacing them with a similar substance to make it appear as if your father’s ashes remain.

Over and over, again, you’ll hear on CAF, “Ask your priest.” If he doesn’t know what you should do with the ashes, since such a tiny amount is involved, and since you have no way of including them with the rest of your father’s ashes, I’m confident that he’ll give you directions after consulting with his bishop, if he doesn’t have an immediate answer. I’d follow his directions for the separate container of ashes. You could use a clean pill bottle, or buy a new, unused one from a pharmacist.

You’ve not mentioned your thoughts regarding your “new” brothers. I suggest kindness and understanding, and leaving the door open to future communication. Your—and their—father’s sins of commission and omission are only his own, not theirs, nor yours. If your morher is living, perhaps she’ll fill in the gaps.

You five children, though, now have the capacity to learn to accept each other and enrich your lives. Unless they are toxic individuals, interacting with them would seem to be a series of positive events. For one thing, brothers are usually great for running interference for their sisters. Presenting you with the vial of ashes on a necklace took thoughtful planning that indicates a desire to include you. Were I in your shoes, I’d do with the real ashes whatever the priest tells me, then make every effort to keep my brother(s) from ever knowing, as the oldest brother—and perhaps all of them—thought they were doing something that would make me feel included, like one of them. I wouldn’t want them to ever think otherwise.

However you resolve your problem, I’ll put you and them in my daily prayers and hope that the necklace cements your relationship with them.

 

[thistle]

Here is the full document https://rcav.org/uploadedFiles/Abou...Burials_in_the_Catholic_Church_May_2_2012.pdf

Extract from it:
“Cremated remains should never be scattered. Placed in a worthy container, they should be
buried in a grave or inurned in a columbarium niche, preferably in a Catholic cemetery.”

In short the ashes may not be kept at home or worn.

 

[1ke]

But the cemeteries that have contacted me back all tell me that 1) The ashes must be complete, they cannot inter partial ashes, and 2) He had to have been a Catholic.

#1 may be their own rule.

#2 is not correct. A non-Catholic Christian can be buried in a Catholic cemetery.

I do not know what to do. Do I give this “gift” back to my newfound brother? What is the proper thing to do in this situation?

Ask your priest. I would probably inter them myself.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

In my experience, a lot of Catholic cemeteries don’t really want non-Catholics buried there unless it is a spouse or child of a Catholic person who is buried there. They might eventually agree to bury a non-Catholic person under other circumstances, but not without putting up a lot of fuss. Also, I’m guessing this is a tiny amount of ashes you’re trying to inter. It would be cost-prohibitive at a lot of places to inter such a small amount.

If it were me personally, I would take matters into my own hands. An old Catholic cemetery from a long time ago out in the country somewhere. A small hole dug in a remote corner with a spoon. The little vial of cremains buried and prayers said. No one needs to know.

Or alternatively, just wait till the next deceased relative to whom I am close passes away, and arrange to bury the item with them. Don’t tell the funeral director what it is. Just say you would like to bury this pendant with them for your personal reasons. Or put it in the casket when no one is watching.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

I agree that you should talk to a priest at your parish about it. There may be some kind of protocol for a situation like this.

 

[HeDa]

OP. Ask your brother where your fathers grave is and bury the ashes there if it is possible.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I suspect the father does not have a grave and that his cremains were simply divided between his children, who then did with them what they chose.

 

[deogratias4]

That is correct. No grave and all split up across the country

 

[Beryllos]

Do I give this “gift” back to my newfound brother?

No. That would probably offend or alienate him.

 

[deogratias4]

Thank you… I have been in contact with the oldest brother, and have very briefly spoken with the other 3. All very nice guys. And yes, they seem to be protective already! Very inclusive and welcoming with open arms. My main priority is that I do not offend God. If whatever I end up doing offends my brothers, then it will definitely not be intentional and I will let them know that. They seem very understanding. But, you are right…If they lead toxic lives then I keep my distance. I am in California and they are all on the far east coast, so so far it is working well for me to be able to take my time. Them as well, of course. Only God knows what the future holds. I leave it all in His hands.

Thank you all for your (name removed by moderator)ut and advice. And, most importantly, thank you for your prayers. God bless you all…

 

[Tis_Bearself]

In the event that you would have to discuss what you do with the cremains with your brothers - which might not ever come up - then you can, in addition to the religious concerns, mention practical concerns, such as you would be worried keeping them in your house due to potential theft or damage in some disaster. There are numerous news stories about people who had cremains stolen from their home, accidentally thrown away by house cleaners, washed away in a flood or destroyed in a fire, etc.

 

[Irishmom2]

Initially, I’d go to a jeweler and ask that he put the ashes into a separate container, replacing them with a similar substance to make it appear as if your father’s ashes remain.

I would not do this, it is further disrespect to the remains of the deceased to juggle him into yet another container.

Either return them to the brother, or get them buried, as is.

 

[Jen7]

Presenting you with the vial of ashes on a necklace took thoughtful planning that indicates a desire to include you. Were I in your shoes, I’d do with the real ashes whatever the priest tells me, then make every effort to keep my brother(s) from ever knowing, as the oldest brother—and perhaps all of them—thought they were doing something that would make me feel included, like one of them. I wouldn’t want them to ever think otherwise.

Every bit of this!

 

[Jen7]

Some Catholic Churches have cremains gardens where you can pour ashes. Maybe inquire with the diocesan office.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

I read a long time ago (so my memory may be faulty on this) that some Catholic funeral directors will bury a miscarried fetus’ remains in with a grown up (ie in an appropriate container tucked into the foot of the coffin) with the family of the grown-up deceased permission? Maybe you can look into that?

 

[phil19034]

necklace with a vial that contains some of the ashes

I just learned that my uncle wants to do this with my grandparents when they die…

 

[Minks]

deogratias4:

necklace with a vial that contains some of the ashes

I just learned that my uncle wants to do this with my grandparents when they die…

@phil19034

I’m so very sorry and will add your family to my prayers. If your grandparents are of sound mind, perhaps they need to talk with a priest, a lawyer, and an undertaker. Best wishes in resolving this problem.