Cricis of Faith After Divorce

[jacedace]

Hello.

I don’t know where else I can turn to in order for me to find an answer to this. The answer is a philosophical, moral, religious, and spiritual dilemma for me. So please bare with me.

I was marry for almost 2 decades. Through out my marriage my "ex"wife and I have had many trials and tribulations, like all marriages. Through out the years, I had to deal with hearing, “she’s unhappy and wants a divorce”. We separated 3 times in the past, each time it was so she could be with another man that she felt, “made her happy”. This past year, I came to a point that I became tired of her constant emotional affairs. I learned of a new man she was interested in, and I finally gave up and move out of my house. A couple weeks later, we filed for legal divorce. Six months later, the divorce became final.

In the mean time she accepted a marriage proposal from the man she left me for. She has moved on, is happy, and I suppose I am supposed to be happy for her. I try to be, but in reality I have many conflicting feelings and much of it has to do with my Catholic Faith, which I converted to to fulfill her desire to be married into the Church, but also because I love the Church. However, because of the Doctrine of the Church, if I am to remain in full communion with the church, I can never have a new relationship, find love again, remarry again, and enjoy all the freedoms and blessings of having someone whom cares for you and wants to share life with you. UNLESS, I have my divorce annulled.

I have spoken to my parish priest about an annulment, and he has more detail that I wish to give here, however, I don’t think I can ever prove my marriage was not a valid marriage. I have read that adultery (on either party side) is not enough to invalidate a marriage. Not only that, in order for me to file for annulment, I have to pay my diocese $600 that I don’t have. I need to have willing participants as witnesses, which I don’t know if the people who know what has happened in my marriage would be willing to attest to. Even if I was able to gather $600 and able to gather witnesses, there is no guarantee that I would be granted an annulment.

What causes distress for me is, that if I am to remain faithful to the practices of the Church, and the commandments of Christ, that I have to live a single and solitude life devoid of the pleasures of life. Meanwhile, someone who disregards their faith is willingly ignoring the Church’s tenants, and get’s to have all that I can’t. I understand that is her free will. However, I also know that she can live her life, and repent at the hour of her death and be allowed to live with God in Eternity. I also know that this life is “short”, and if I stay faithful, I too wold be able to live with God in Eternity. But what hurts me the most, is in order for me to do that, I have to live an unhappy and unfulfilled life.

These are the truths that I know. If I accept these truths, then I am denied what I want most for my human life. A companion to walk through life with. Be in full communion with my Church. Obedience to God. None of that will be available to me, unless I stay single and celibate for the rest of my life. Being in my late 30’s, I have a long life ahead of me (God willing). I don’t know if I am strong enough to live this way. I have already made my mistakes, repented for them. However, now I am left here feeling hopeless. Questioning my faith in this Church. I love God and Jesus Christ. I truly and unequivocally do. But why do I have to live this way? I feel hopeless for my future. That I am restrained by Cannon Law and the Church teachings. I find it unfair. I don’t know what to do.

But I ask myself, why remain in the faith, go to church, when I can’t do what I am supposed to (not commit adultery - even though I am a single man by legal law). I can’t receive the Eucharist unless I am free of mortal sin. I don’t want to keep confessing the same sins over and over and over again. What does that say to God, about me and my obedience and love for Him? I know eventually, I will give in to temptation. No matter how hard I try, I always do.

I just don’t know what to do, other than leave the Church. Find faith in another denomination that has a different interpretation of Marriage. Which, I don’t know if I can ever truly believe.

This really sucks.

 

[LilyM]

First of all - adultery does not invalidate a marriage in and of itself, however serial infidelity such as your wife’s may, in some circumstances, indicate that she did not enter the relationship with a commitment to remaining faithful, which likely would invalidate it. Hard to say without knowing some detail.

Has your priest advised that it would be difficult to make a case? You may also wish to seek advice on the matter from a Canon lawyer. I wouldn’t write it off unless both advised it was not going to happen.

As for the relationships part - as St Teresa said ‘God alone suffices’. Remember evven the best relationship is a pale shadow of the love and sweetness that He can give.

When you say you are ‘without a loving relationship’ do you really mean without sex? I’m presuming you have family and close friends who provide for your other emotional needs. As a single person I know mine do. Is sex really that important?

You would be in no different a position than a priest or nun vowed to celibacy and chastity. They manage, some thrive, and so can you. Perhaps seek advice from them as to what they find helps them in difficult times?

 

[The_Bucket]

You have my sympathies and prayers because you obviously are the victim of a bad situation.

I understand the headaches of going through the annulment process; there are others on this forum who have gone through them and can provide much better advice and consolation than I ever could. But I think it’s pretty rough for you to say that people who are single live “unfulfilled lives.”

I also don’t really understand why you think your wife’s life is better after turning her back on you and God. Because that’s what she’s done. Sure, she’s got this guy who “makes her happy” but so did the other two with whom she cheated, right? The more she dives into this new life, the farther she pushes God away. How is this an enviable position?

When you say the pleasures of life and whatnot, what you mean is sex. Let’s just cut right to the chase, shall we? You’re saying that “she gets to have sex with this guy and I can’t do whatever I want.” Well brother, you can do whatever you want. You’ve got free will. You can commit just as many mortal sins as she is if you want to. Is that going to make you fulfilled?

What you want is free reign to do make the best of a bad situation on your terms as opposed to doing so on God’s terms. That’s just not possible. And speaking as a grave sinner myself, don’t think that your now ex-wife is somehow fulfilled. Her conscience is going to gnaw at her to distraction or she’ll kill it completely and it will be very difficult for her to do as you say and repent at the moment of death. We know not the hour of the Second Coming or of our own deaths. Her position is not enviable. You shouldn’t be happy for her. You should send your prayers her way because she’s endangering her soul greatly. You are free from that anxiety. Yes, the anxieties of the world are tough to overcome. Yes, the annulment process can be lengthy.

But if you know the Church is right, why would you abandon Her just because your circumstances are tough? That’s what your wife did. She cast aside her sacred vows and her relationship with God in favor of some fleeting nonsense. Don’t follow her example. Follow Christ’s when He said “not as I will, but as You will” to His Heavenly Father.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Hello.

… But why do I have to live this way? …

Welcome to the forums, I pray you find what you need and what God wants for you. I am in similar situation. Divorced after 23 years marriage, single Dad with two minor children and one adult child living with me. For me, even with an annuled marriage I need to live single and celibately. It is far better for them after what their mother has done to them, the disruption and havoc in their lives and psyches.

You don’t have to live this way. It’s a choice. The vow you made wasn’t just to your wife, it was to God as well. Keeping it or breaking it is your choice. Just as He chose to suffer on the cross to show His love for us, you can choose to suffer this to show your love for Him. Or for humanity by offering it up for the souls in purgatory. Or to set an example to others, if that is His will for bringing some kind of good out of this.

It tests all of us that go through this. My ex is with someone else, doesn’t deal with the day-to-day of raising kids, seems happy. Whether she is happy or sad neither adds nor detracts from my life unless I let it. As I hope for God’s forgiveness, I forgive her. I would not want her to suffer eternally for what she’s done. But it seems unfair that she can act this way and have things her way in this world and in the next life. I’ll leave it to God to judge.

But, I’ve studied Church history, I believe Christ existed, I believe Christ was God, I believe Christ came to this earth, established a Church and gave it the authority to guide and the Holy Spirit to guide it. I will acquiesce to that authority. It really is about eternity in the next life, not how things work out in this one.

 

[jacedace]

First of all - adultery does not invalidate a marriage in and of itself, however serial infidelity such as your wife’s may, in some circumstances, indicate that she did not enter the relationship with a commitment to remaining faithful, which likely would invalidate it. Hard to say without knowing some detail.

Has your priest advised that it would be difficult to make a case? You may also wish to seek advice on the matter from a Canon lawyer. I wouldn’t write it off unless both advised it was not going to happen.

My Parish Priest seemed to be of the opinion that my case was a candidate for annulment. The problem is money and convincing the people who were witness to what took place to come forward.

As for the relationships part - as St Teresa said ‘God alone suffices’. Remember evven the best relationship is a pale shadow of the love and sweetness that He can give.

I have a hard time with this statement because I don’t always feel God.

When you say you are ‘without a loving relationship’ do you really mean without sex? I’m presuming you have family and close friends who provide for your other emotional needs. As a single person I know mine do. Is sex really that important?

If I am to be honest, sex, is a part of the equation, yes, but it’s not the ends to the means. It’s having a woman to relate to, and have moments of tenderness and compassion outside of sex. Someone to share in life’s adventures with. To create a meaningful friendship, and live in fidelity with one another. I have a fractured family. Few close friends to speak of at this moment.

You would be in no different a position than a priest or nun vowed to celibacy and chastity. They manage, some thrive, and so can you. Perhaps seek advice from them as to what they find helps them in difficult times?

The difference is, I wasn’t called to the Priesthood or the chaste life. I was called to be a husband and a father in which I was for almost 20 years. I also don’t know if my faith alone can sustain that lifestyle.

 

[jacedace]

Welcome to the forums, I pray you find what you need and what God wants for you. I am in similar situation. Divorced after 23 years marriage, single Dad with two minor children and one adult child living with me. For me, even with an annuled marriage I need to live single and celibately. It is far better for them after what their mother has done to them, the disruption and havoc in their lives and psyches.

You don’t have to live this way. It’s a choice. The vow you made wasn’t just to your wife, it was to God as well. Keeping it or breaking it is your choice. Just as He chose to suffer on the cross to show His love for us, you can choose to suffer this to show your love for Him. Or for humanity by offering it up for the souls in purgatory. Or to set an example to others, if that is His will for bringing some kind of good out of this.

It tests all of us that go through this. My ex is with someone else, doesn’t deal with the day-to-day of raising kids, seems happy. Whether she is happy or sad neither adds nor detracts from my life unless I let it. As I hope for God’s forgiveness, I forgive her. I would not want her to suffer eternally for what she’s done. But it seems unfair that she can act this way and have things her way in this world and in the next life. I’ll leave it to God to judge.

But, I’ve studied Church history, I believe Christ existed, I believe Christ was God, I believe Christ came to this earth, established a Church and gave it the authority to guide and the Holy Spirit to guide it. I will acquiesce to that authority. It really is about eternity in the next life, not how things work out in this one.

I don’t know if I can make the same choice. My kids are in their teens. They don’t live with me. I soon will be living with a family member. That is the only answer I have now to loneliness I feel. I share in your beliefs, and I care about my soul and eternity. This is why this is so distressful to me. Because I am a creature of my sin, and I am not good at turning away from it.

 

[LilyM]

My Parish Priest seemed to be of the opinion that my case was a candidate for annulment. The problem is money and convincing the people who were witness to what took place to come forward.

Divorces cost money too - although perhaps not that much. Another wedding would definitely cost more. So - do your best to tackle the hurdles one at a time. Most dioceses will wholly or partly waive the fees for people who can’t afford them - ask about it. Start talking to your witnesses about how important it is for you. Don’t take initial reluctance to heart, at the same time don’t browbeat anyone either.

have a hard time with this statement because I don’t always feel God.

And I bet you didn’t always feel love for your wife either. These things aren’t always about the warm fuzzies.

If I am to be honest, sex, is a part of the equation, yes, but it’s not the ends to the means. It’s having a woman to relate to, and have moments of tenderness and compassion outside of sex. Someone to share in life’s adventures with. To create a meaningful friendship, and live in fidelity with one another. I have a fractured family. Few close friends to speak of at this moment.

So the primary way you relate to women is sex? For your sake I hope you do not have a daughter if that is true. If you cannot find other more productive ways to relate to the female of the species then hang around men who do and pick up a few pointers.

The difference is, I wasn’t called to the Priesthood or the chaste life. I was called to be a husband and a father in which I was for almost 20 years. I also don’t know if my faith alone can sustain that lifestyle.

Many a man has been a husband and father and then entered the priesthood after being widowed or divorced (although an annulment might be required there). They made the transition. It is do-able - through God’s grace, which is available for the asking, if you ask sincerely and wholeheartedly.

 

[jacedace]

Divorces cost money too - although perhaps not that much. Another wedding would definitely cost more. So - do your best to tackle the hurdles one at a time. Most dioceses will wholly or partly waive the fees for people who can’t afford them - ask about it. Start talking to your witnesses about how important it is for you. Don’t take initial reluctance to heart, at the same time don’t browbeat anyone either.

My divorce is final. Didn’t cost much. Because I gave her everything she wanted, and didn’t contest it.

And I bet you didn’t always feel love for your wife either. These things aren’t always about the warm fuzzies.

I still love her. Always will. Forever. She didn’t love me enough to fight as hard as I did. She left me 3 times for other men. I took her back each time. Even to the point where we did something grave, as a result of one of her affairs.

So the primary way you relate to women is sex? For your sake I hope you do not have a daughter if that is true. If you cannot find other more productive ways to relate to the female of the species then hang around men who do and pick up a few pointers.

I have a daughter, whom I love very much. I don’t relate to women purely through sex. I relate to them on an emotional and intellectual level. That’s seems kind of judgmental of you to say to me. Especially since you don’t know me, and you’re going by an interpretation of what you’re reading, and drawing incorrect conclusions.

Many a man has been a husband and father and then entered the priesthood after being widowed or divorced (although an annulment might be required there). They made the transition. It is do-able - through God’s grace, which is available for the asking, if you ask sincerely and wholeheartedly.

There is a very particular reason, why I would never be allowed into the Priesthood. It is not an option for me. No it has nothing to do with laws I have broken. It has to do with something I participated in.

 

[hurting]

Jacedace,

I truly feel your pain and fully understand your comments in response to LilyM’s suggestions. While I would encourage you to be prayerful, I concur with your answer to her that you are not in a situation like priests and nuns who’ve taken a vow of chastity. They did so willingly and in pursuit of a vocation. It is entirely different when your chosen vocation is ripped away.

That being said, styrgwillidar has some excellent advice. Think on it.

Hurting

 

[jacedace]

Jacedace,

I truly feel your pain and fully understand your comments in response to LilyM’s suggestions. While I would encourage you to be prayerful, I concur with your answer to her that you are not in a situation like priests and nuns who’ve taken a vow of chastity. They did so willingly and in pursuit of a vocation. It is entirely different when your chosen vocation is ripped away.

That being said, styrgwillidar has some excellent advice. Think on it.

Hurting

Thank you!

 

[jacedace]

You have my sympathies and prayers because you obviously are the victim of a bad situation.

Appreciate that.

I understand the headaches of going through the annulment process; there are others on this forum who have gone through them and can provide much better advice and consolation than I ever could. But I think it’s pretty rough for you to say that people who are single live “unfulfilled lives.”

No, I am saying, my life feels unfulfilled. I am sure there are many people whom are fulfilled, as they have different tools in life than I do.

I also don’t really understand why you think your wife’s life is better after turning her back on you and God. Because that’s what she’s done. Sure, she’s got this guy who “makes her happy” but so did the other two with whom she cheated, right? The more she dives into this new life, the farther she pushes God away. How is this an enviable position?

It’s not in the spirit of what Marriage is, and how we are commanded by God to Fidelity and Love. However, she has a “person” to share life’s experiences with. I do feel sad that she doesn’t feel the same way about our Church as I do. I pray for her to have a change of heart, but that is all I can do.

When you say the pleasures of life and whatnot, what you mean is sex. Let’s just cut right to the chase, shall we? You’re saying that “she gets to have sex with this guy and I can’t do whatever I want.” Well brother, you can do whatever you want. You’ve got free will. You can commit just as many mortal sins as she is if you want to. Is that going to make you fulfilled?

I answered this a little bit ago. I can and have done my improprieties, and it distanced me from my Church, and the Eucharist. I have repented through the Sacrament of Reconciliation for this. I know I have free will. I could do it again. However, I don’t want to. I want to do what is right. However, I am a creature of sin, and I am fearful that temptation will get the better of me. I am also not a philanderer. I don’t have a desire to sow wild oats. I have a desire to meet someone again one day, and share a life with her. However, if I ever find that person, by Church law, I will be in Mortal Sin. That is what I am having a hard time with. God did not design us to live alone. He put man and woman on this earth for a reason.

What you want is free reign to do make the best of a bad situation on your terms as opposed to doing so on God’s terms. That’s just not possible. And speaking as a grave sinner myself, don’t think that your now ex-wife is somehow fulfilled. Her conscience is going to gnaw at her to distraction or she’ll kill it completely and it will be very difficult for her to do as you say and repent at the moment of death. We know not the hour of the Second Coming or of our own deaths. Her position is not enviable. You shouldn’t be happy for her. You should send your prayers her way because she’s endangering her soul greatly. You are free from that anxiety. Yes, the anxieties of the world are tough to overcome. Yes, the annulment process can be lengthy.

NO! I don’t want free reign of anything. I feel that is a statement you’re drawing you’re own conclusions from. What I want is to be able to not have to grow old and die alone. Someone to share my life with at some point, when I am ready. Which is not now. But some day. As for what goes on with my "ex"wife and in her mind. I don’t know what she thinks anymore. I have resolved myself not to worry about what goes on in her head. I have accepted that everything she does now, is between her and God. I am happy for her state of mind, unhappy about the state of her soul. However, all I can do is forgive, and let God do the rest.

But if you know the Church is right, why would you abandon Her just because your circumstances are tough? That’s what your wife did. She cast aside her sacred vows and her relationship with God in favor of some fleeting nonsense. Don’t follow her example. Follow Christ’s when He said “not as I will, but as You will” to His Heavenly Father.

I haven’t abandoned the Church. I have been active. Have sought out much counsel. I am just struggling right now.

 

[liquidayno]

I’m so sorry to hear of your struggle, saying a prayer for you.

You also sound quite reasonable and are very artculate - that is helpful as a reader of your story and as you seek advice.

I want to encourage you in two things.

1. There is forgiveness for all sins, even the mortal sin you are alluding to. (as a side note, I don’t think a mortal sin can keep one from the priesthood, though it may certainly not be your calling.
2. Annulment seems like the logical course of action. It seems to be the solution you are seeking. Hopefully you can find the strength to pursue it - in several years you may look back on this time in a different way, as you are annuled from that marriage and living a faithful live to God and His Church, hopefully with a new and faithful companion.

I hope you find what you seek and that you do so in a way that allows to to remain in full communion with God and His Church.

 

[Actaeon]

I converted to to fulfill her desire to be married into the Church, but also because I love the Church.

I’m sorry. It’s a hard pill to swallow that she was so adament about you converting to the faith and then displayed her disdain for it by her behavior afterward.

At the same time, let’s look at this from the other side of the coin, because you sound like you’re truly dedicated to Catholic beliefs: what a blessing that she brought you to the church. Even if you’ve been handed a cross to bear, you are still home in the Body of Christ. Maranathah to that!

I have read that adultery (on either party side) is not enough to invalidate a marriage. Not only that, in order for me to file for annulment, I have to pay my diocese $600 that I don’t have.

I wouldn’t say you have NO case for annulment… but the case for it is probably on her side, because she’s obviously got some mixed up ideas about marriage if she thinks she can just go get “remarried” to some other guy (and boy is he in for a treat when she gets tired of him too).

As to the cost of an annulment, talk to a canon lawyer for your diocese. I’m fairly certain there will be programs to help pay for it.

Finally, I think you need a clearer understanding of what an annulment is and what it says. An annulment means that a valid marriage never took place. A valid marriage CANNOT be “annulled”. An annulment is simply a declaration that some essential piece was missing from the marriage. Towards that end, the sacrament of marriage involves proper form, proper ministers, and proper intent (and, in catholic marriages, a witness from the church… the priest). Obviously due to your catholic marriage you have proper form and the witness. You and your wife are the ministers of the sacrament to each other, so there’s that for validity. HOWEVER, proper intent is in question. Towards that end, if your wife didn’t think of marriage as a lifelong bond (til death do us part), then she lacked the required knowledge to give proper consent and to have the proper intent to marry.

You might also talk to her and ask if she’s interested in pursuing an annulment… since she’s so keen on being married “in the church” and getting married to this new guy, she’s probably okay with the idea of an annulment too. There’s nothing to say you couldn’t split the cost.

DISCLAIMER: this is not to say you should pursue an annulment if you have every feeling that the marriage was valid. It is only to say that you DO have some grounds for a declaration of nullity if you feel that from the start she didn’t understand the fundamentals of what a valid marriage would entail.

I have to live a single and solitude life devoid of the pleasures of life.

I’m a bit concerned that you think the single life is “devoid of the pleasures of life”. No, it isn’t. It might not be the path that you envisioned for yourself, but life has SO much to offer. I know you’re in a dark place right now, but realize that you aren’t necessarily going to be miserable forever.

Is a priest living a miserable life, and to be pitied because of his vow of chastity? Should we be looking with sadness at the nuns and brothers who live celebate lives, and treating them as though their lives are devoid of joy? No, certainly not.

However, I also know that she can live her life, and repent at the hour of her death and be allowed to live with God in Eternity.

That is not how reconciliation works. We cannot commit gravely disoredered acts with the mere thought that “oh, I’ll just confess this later and God won’t care because of a technicality”. That’s the mortal sin of presumption, and it’s an abuse of the sacrament. On top of that, we never know when death is coming, as it approaches “like a theif in the night”. Your wife is in a very dangerous place at the moment.

These are the truths that I know. If I accept these truths, then I am denied what I want most for my human life. A companion to walk through life with.

It’s a cross to bear, my friend. Let’s say, however, that you talk to a canon lawyer, and he says there’s absolutely no grounds for a declaration of nullity.

Have you taken the time to think about the possible GOOD that could come from such a situation? You’re obviously devout and faithful. Have you considered becoming a deacon for the church? That could be a wonderfully fulfilling way of carrying on… and you would never be alone as you served the Body of Christ in the church.

I don’t want to keep confessing the same sins over and over and over again. What does that say to God, about me and my obedience and love for Him?

What it says to God when you confess the same sin over and over? It says to God that you’re human. That you’re tempted to sin. That you sometimes fail. God knows all that. But what it ALSO says to God is that you love Him enough to keep trying, and that you love Him enough to come back to Him and repent with resolution to try again.

I just don’t know what to do, other than leave the Church.

Leaving the church would be denying your conscience… not only a sin from the perspective of the church, but ALSO a grave sin of violating your own conscience. If you truly believe that the Catholic church is the one true church, then this is your home and where you should stay.

A cross has been placed on your shoulders. You are not alone in that walk though. Many have had to suffer a bit for their faith… and many of them are saints today. There is joy and peace in life, even when we carry a heavy burden. Get through this time of mourning and then take a look at what is available to you, because the righteous and fulfilling paths you can walk are still many in number.

 

[jacedace]

I’m so sorry to hear of your struggle, saying a prayer for you.

You also sound quite reasonable and are very artculate - that is helpful as a reader of your story and as you seek advice.

I want to encourage you in two things.

1. There is forgiveness for all sins, even the mortal sin you are alluding to. (as a side note, I don’t think a mortal sin can keep one from the priesthood, though it may certainly not be your calling.
2. Annulment seems like the logical course of action. It seems to be the solution you are seeking. Hopefully you can find the strength to pursue it - in several years you may look back on this time in a different way, as you are annuled from that marriage and living a faithful live to God and His Church, hopefully with a new and faithful companion.

I hope you find what you seek and that you do so in a way that allows to to remain in full communion with God and His Church.

Thank you! I have never felt the calling towards Priesthood. I will continue to Pray and seek guidance.

 

[CatholicServant]

Welcome to the forums, I pray you find what you need and what God wants for you. I am in similar situation. Divorced after 23 years marriage, single Dad with two minor children and one adult child living with me. For me, even with an annuled marriage I need to live single and celibately. It is far better for them after what their mother has done to them, the disruption and havoc in their lives and psyches.

You don’t have to live this way. It’s a choice. The vow you made wasn’t just to your wife, it was to God as well. Keeping it or breaking it is your choice. Just as He chose to suffer on the cross to show His love for us, you can choose to suffer this to show your love for Him. Or for humanity by offering it up for the souls in purgatory. Or to set an example to others, if that is His will for bringing some kind of good out of this.

It tests all of us that go through this. My ex is with someone else, doesn’t deal with the day-to-day of raising kids, seems happy. Whether she is happy or sad neither adds nor detracts from my life unless I let it. As I hope for God’s forgiveness, I forgive her. I would not want her to suffer eternally for what she’s done. But it seems unfair that she can act this way and have things her way in this world and in the next life. I’ll leave it to God to judge.

But, I’ve studied Church history, I believe Christ existed, I believe Christ was God, I believe Christ came to this earth, established a Church and gave it the authority to guide and the Holy Spirit to guide it. I will acquiesce to that authority. It really is about eternity in the next life, not how things work out in this one.

Powerful testimony and what a blessing to your children. I pray that God grants you the strength to continue on your difficult but blessed path.

 

[ValPal]

I have a lot in common with the OP in this regard. However, in my particular case, I had plenty of reasons for an annulment; it became a matter of which reason to pick.

The whole annulment process and subsequent convalidation was, and still is, a major issue. I found both the annulment and the convalidation repugnant to my conscience. The fact that an innocent person can be a victim and suffer for the rest of his/her life due to the actions of another is not the natural order of things, nor do I believe that God wants or intends that. Just MHO.

 

[jacedace]

The fact that an innocent person can be a victim and suffer for the rest of his/her life due to the actions of another is not the natural order of things, nor do I believe that God wants or intends that. Just MHO.

This is exactly how I feel, and what I am trying to discern.

 

[ValPal]

I’m currently remarried with children. I don’t think about the past, otherwise is simply causes divisiveness between the Church and me. Getting past the prior marriage to the next one, though, is typically a tough road. But once you get there, simply forget about the past.

 

[jacedace]

I’m sorry. It’s a hard pill to swallow…
!

Dedicated out of becoming exposed to the truths of the faith, which I could never deny in the face of God. Because I know these truths, I feel an obligation to follow them. Believe me it would be much easier to “ignore” the truths, and walk away. Which would be much easier. I just don’t understand why this cross is only mine to bare. I didn’t ask for or want this.

I wouldn’t say you have NO case for annulment… but the case for it is probably on her side, because she’s obviously got some mixed up ideas about marriage if she thinks she can just go get “remarried” to some other guy (and boy is he in for a treat when she gets tired of him too).

As to the cost of an annulment, talk to a canon lawyer for your diocese. I’m fairly certain there will be programs to help pay for it.

Finally, I think you need a clearer understanding…

You might also talk to her and ask if she’s interested in pursuing an annulment… since she’s so keen on being married “in the church” and getting married to this new guy, she’s probably okay with the idea of an annulment too. There’s nothing to say you couldn’t split the cost.

DISCLAIMER: this is not to say you should pursue an annulment if you have every feeling that the marriage was valid. It is only to say that you DO have some grounds for a declaration of nullity if you feel that from the start she didn’t understand the fundamentals of what a valid marriage would entail.

Yes, I understood this. I was married young and I really don’t remember what my state of mind was in the early days. When I was overseas, and I was engaged, my then fiance, slept with another person. She confessed that to me. I forgave her for it. However, I do remember feeling compelled to marry her because I didn’t want to lose the person I fell in love with. I went with how I felt about her, and not with what I necessarily knew what was right. The pattern for what my marriage became started very early.

Once I get to my new home on the East Coast, I will speak to a Cannon Lawyer.

I’m a bit concerned that you think the single life is “devoid of the pleasures of life”. No, it isn’t. It might not be the path that you envisioned for yourself, but life has SO much to offer. I know you’re in a dark place right now, but realize that you aren’t necessarily going to be miserable forever.

Is a priest living a miserable life, and to be pitied because of his vow of chastity? Should we be looking with sadness at the nuns and brothers who live celebate lives, and treating them as though their lives are devoid of joy? No, certainly not.

I trust in that. However, interpersonal relationships are not my forte. Because of this, I feel that the nucleus of what I had, what made me feel like I had purpose is gone. Learning how to live again has been a challenge.

That is not how reconciliation works. We cannot commit gravely disoredered acts with the mere thought that “oh, I’ll just confess this later and God won’t care because of a technicality”. That’s the mortal sin of presumption, and it’s an abuse of the sacrament. On top of that, we never know when death is coming, as it approaches “like a theif in the night”. Your wife is in a very dangerous place at the moment.

This is different from what I have been taught.

It’s a cross to bear, my friend. Let’s say, however, that you talk to a canon lawyer, and he says there’s absolutely no grounds for a declaration of nullity.

Have you taken the time to think about the possible GOOD that could come from such a situation? You’re obviously devout and faithful. Have you considered becoming a deacon for the church? That could be a wonderfully fulfilling way of carrying on… and you would never be alone as you served the Body of Christ in the church.

I feel that would be something that God would have called me to do, but I don’t hear that from him, certainly not now.

What it says to God when you confess the same sin over and over? It says to God that you’re human. That you’re tempted to sin. That you sometimes fail. God knows all that. But what it ALSO says to God is that you love Him enough to keep trying, and that you love Him enough to come back to Him and repent with resolution to try again.

This is my intent. When I do think about this, I do tear up. Because I truly love the Trinity. It does bring me despair when I find myself not walking with Jesus.

Leaving the church would be denying your conscience… not only a sin from the perspective of the church, but ALSO a grave sin of violating your own conscience. If you truly believe that the Catholic church is the one true church, then this is your home and where you should stay.

I feel the Church is my home. I haven’t left because of my conscience. Even with the Mormon’s constantly at the door of where I am staying right now, constantly proclaiming their truth to me, I still remain faithful to my Faith.

A cross has been placed on your shoulders. You are not alone in that walk though. Many have had to suffer a bit for their faith… and many of them are saints today. There is joy and peace in life, even when we carry a heavy burden. Get through this time of mourning and then take a look at what is available to you, because the righteous and fulfilling paths you can walk are still many in number.

Well, there is nothing Saintly about me. I just continue to pray for fortitude, guidance, and patience.

Thank you for your words.

 

[jacedace]

I’m currently remarried with children. I don’t think about the past, otherwise is simply causes divisiveness between the Church and me. Getting past the prior marriage to the next one, though, is typically a tough road. But once you get there, simply forget about the past.

This is picking and choosing the tenants to follow. I’m not sure that is the best course for me. I am certainly in no hurry to remarry. Just some day it would be nice to if someone comes into my life.