Critical and Negative Family Members at Holidays:what do you do?

[jmcrae]

But what if the Bears are playing?

If the Bears are more important to you than Thanksgiving, then you should stay home and watch them instead of interrupting someone else’s social gathering with them. Surely that’s self-evident?

 

[Island_Oak]

If the Bears are more important to you than Thanksgiving, then you should stay home and watch them instead of interrupting someone else’s social gathering with them. Surely that’s self-evident?

Can we all quote you on that?!? As a displaced Chicagoan, I can’t imagine a better excuse myself.

 

[bear06]

Hi all. Without going into all the details, I’d love to hear ideas on how to deal with the relatives during the holidays. DH and I both come from families who are non-complimentary, critical, and difficult. It is stressful to be with them at the holidays. I am having Thanksgiving this year. I’m already getting negative comments and difficulties from the ILs. I’m rather stressed with other family commitments and it is hard to get excited about the holidays with all the negativity. Different problems with my side of the family, but equally as unpleasant. Truly, I LOVE holidays. I get excited about them and want to “do them up” right. I’d love to use the good china and decorate/pretty things up. Yet, the ILs will “make fun” of my efforts if I do so. Generally, even with set tables and centerpieces, the ILs will plant themselves in front of the TV for dinner. It’s disheartening. I want my kids to remember fun holidays. Yet, I get so stressed beforehand, that I am like Dr. Jekyl. I know I have to let it all roll off my back, but HOW???

Smile and say “pass the gravy!” Then you can realize that you have a wonderful opportunity to get a lot of time off in purgatory. I think that’s what in-laws (and family in general) are for.

If you don’t want them in front of the TV, unplug it. Maybe they’ll get the hint.

 

[jmcrae]

Can we all quote you on that?!?

Certainly!!

As a displaced Chicagoan, I can’t imagine a better excuse myself.

To toss the barbarians out into the snow, or to stay home from a social gathering you weren’t going to participate in, anyway?

Either way, you have my blessing.

 

[Princess_Abby]

EXACTLY!! I don’t have the critical complainers–just the self-absorbed, self-centered “whatever I’m doing is far more important, impressive and demanding than anything you’re doing” relatives. Yikes–don’t know which is worse. We have opted to sit out the one-upsmanship and enjoy our immediate family, take a pass on the second helpings of disappointment and unmet expectations and surround ourselves with real friends whose company we enjoy and who value, enjoy and reciprocate our friendship.

Wooooooooooooo!! We have the same plans.

 

[Giannawannabe]

When I know my hypercritical relatives will be coming and putting me down for all my uppity pretensions (same as yours: good china, crystal, silver, centerpieces) I remind myself that I am really doing all this for my family and my own satisfaction: the knowledge that I can actually still DO this stuff, that I can actually shuck those oysters, stuff those pheasant, make that perfect Cumberland sauce. My kids will remember it – and nuts to the Humbugs.

Remember what my Mother used to tell me when I was a kid: when people try to put you down, just refuse to hear them. Critical comments about your table? Respond, “Why, Mother, Darlin’ – I think that’s just about the most fun part of Christmas! I hope you’ll relax and just enjoy it with us!”

Yesterday, as I was laying out the china, this is exactly what I was thinking. My oldest daughter came in and was sooooo excited that I was making everything “pretty”. My 2 girls helped me decorate all last night…they even cleaned up their room without being asked! The excitement on their faces was enough to make me know my effort is worth it all!

 

[Giannawannabe]

Smile and say “pass the gravy!” Then you can realize that you have a wonderful opportunity to get a lot of time off in purgatory. I think that’s what in-laws (and family in general) are for.

 

[Giannawannabe]

St Paul said to ‘heap coals of kindness on their heads’. He was giving us a good tactic to use. Don’t show your irritation. I like to keep an open bottle of wine in the kitchen for my own personal use while entertaining annoying guests. It calms the nerves and makes me a tolerant hostess, allowing me to take St Paul’s advise.

I have my “special” wine glass ready to go…

 

[Giannawannabe]

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!! Thanks for all the replies. You all made me laugh and lighten up over this whole IL thing. BTW, everything is smelling delicious upstairs! The place looks pretty and the china/silver is all set to go. GOD BLESS!

 

[Giannawannabe]

Well, everything turned out…just the way I thought! Oh well. I had the china out, the tables set, the candles burning, and the TV off with pretty music playing. Within 5 minutes, everyone was serving themselves buffet style, the football game was on, no one used the china, and most plopped on the couch to watch TV. It’s okay. My kids had fun with the cousins and I got some time off Purgatory with my constant smiling and graciousness! Hope everyone had a wonderful day. I’m pooped and stuffed! Gonna go put my feet up and watch a nice holiday movie.

 

[BlestOne]

Well, everything turned out…just the way I thought! Oh well. I had the china out, the tables set, the candles burning, and the TV off with pretty music playing. Within 5 minutes, everyone was serving themselves buffet style, the football game was on, no one used the china, and most plopped on the couch to watch TV. It’s okay. My kids had fun with the cousins and I got some time off Purgatory with my constant smiling and graciousness! Hope everyone had a wonderful day. I’m pooped and stuffed! Gonna go put my feet up and watch a nice holiday movie.

In the end you did accomplish so many things…you made the effort, your kids had fun AND cleaned their rooms, you kept your temper, and God Bless you… to your children this did not go unnoticed!!! Happy Thanksgiving!

 

[cecilia97]

Well congrats on staying graceful and enjoying yourself! I predict that some Thanksgiving in the future, someone you least expect will tell you how nice your “do” always is…after all, they come to YOUR house for the meal for some reason.

c