I am engaged to a great guy who struggles with crossdressing.
Kat, you are brave and strong to share his struggle and yours with us. Thank you, and may you find support in prayer and in word here.
If we take the spirit of Scripture, rather than just the word of it, we find that on the whole Scripture asks us to be chaste in thought, meaning that we keep sexual desire where it is appropriate, namely with our spouse. It is helpful to keep the passions in control by restricting that desire to when it is appropriate, too - in other words if my lovely wife is home sick all day I shouldn’t be fantasizing about her during my 2 p.m. meeting otherwise I’m just frustrating myself.
Likewise, if your beau’s experiencing titillation from the clothing itself, he’s got to be extraordinarily frustrated. It takes a lot of conscientiousness to walk in public and look at a girl who is showing off quite a lot and not descend into lewd thoughts. It does help to think “that could be my daughter in 12 years” and then I’m suddenly pretty disgusted that the 13-year-old is dressing like that. But for him, if there’s just a Vogue on the coffee table, I’d imagine that’s got to be anticipatory, at once exciting and yet dreadful. For his own peace of mind (and indeed, his own soul), he needs to get control over himself and his desires or else be enslaved to them.
I think every man carries scars and has struggles, though some take different forms. That he’s willing to give up masturbation before he gives up cross-dressing entirely is really interesting since I think the former has a strong grip on many men. I wonder if the latter is more an expression of identity rather than just pleasure.
More importantly, what is his understanding of how sin impacts him? This is not just “does he go to Mass” but more importantly how does he embrace the Cross? If this is a struggle (as I have my own struggle) does he accept that it was put in his life as a discipline to humble him and focus reliance on the Lord or does he see it as an issue of identity? Maybe to be more blunt about it, if masturbation were his struggle would his choice be between finding someone to accept him as a masturbator or finding a spouse who is willing to help him conquer it?
Scripture is less specific when it comes to the how of the marital act. Provided the end in mind is genitive and unitive, I think creativity is allowed within reason. A friend of mine found that his wife enjoys when he dresses in a suit (he’s a chef so he never wears suits to work) and runs her a bath to initiate foreplay, for example. Music, candles, massages, having dinner first, whatever turns you on to your spouse is good. I’m open-minded enough to say that cross-dressing isn’t necessarily out but it really needs to be examined in light of the couple as a whole, and especially with you it doesn’t sound like it’s something you’d want in your spouse to begin with. Especially if it’s an addiction, this is something that counseling may help you both with. Any addiction is unhealthy regardless. It’s clear he wants acceptance of it, but does he
need acceptance or would he benefit more from addressing the underlying issues?
As one commented, crossdressing is wierd in the sense that is alien to your understanding of how men express their gender - men being men. I don’t like to put a tight box around a definition of manhood because I don’t fit in most people’s notions of being a man - I don’t play sports, I sit with my knees crossed, I do yoga at night, I’m small in stature, don’t care about cars and I prefer going to see a play by Mamet over going to a bar. Some would (and have) called that being ‘effeminate’. At the same time, I try to be a devoted husband and best friend to my wife, a good father to our daughter, a sincere friend, and someone who stands up for those who need it. I’ve faced down as many bullies as an adult as I did when I was a kid. The point is, is your discomfort with his crossdresing only a matter of sexual role or does it extend beyond that? Is it an identity issue where he would fail to embrace the roles you would need in your marriage?
Prayerfully, losh14
I’d proceed with your plans to marry very cautiously. I’m not sure it was right of your fiance to be intentionally vague about something like that, especially if he was expecting you to be accepting of it. He should have been honest with you.