Crossroads in relationship

[tj5421]

I have been dating my current girlfriend for about 6.5 years. When we first met we had an amazing relationship and you couldn’t pull us away from each other. However, over time as we both went to school and she eventually entered the working world and I continued with more schooling I noticed that our relationship has slowly been creeping apart. Between her working and me going to school it just seems like we don’t have the same amount of quality time as we did before. However, we have always stuck it out through the good and bad.

I guess this is where the problem or crossroads comes in. As my gf has been working for a couple years, she is wanting to move to the next phase of her life: get married, having kids, settling down. She also has a pretty good job that she likes and is very close to her family so she is absolutely against moving to another state. On the other hand, as I have been in school for a really long time, I am just sort of burned out and want to take some time to get my self back together and do some traveling. Also, many of the jobs that I am interesting in pursing are not located in the city in which I live. Additionally, I have always dreamed of moving somewhere different as I have always lived where I am currently located and it is just one of those things that I know I would regret later in my life if I didn’t do it. Another thing is that I want to “establish myself” financially before I think about having kids (building up some savings, get some equity in a house, etc…)

I just feel very torn. I know that if I don’t get out of where I currently live and see the world I never will but if I do that I risk losing my gf and if I stay I will always regret not going? I feel like I lose out either way. I just feel like we are at different points in our lives.

I have tried to talk to her about it both casually and seriously and she just becomes very angry every time we talk about it. Something along the lines of “I have waited for you all this time and now your going to do this.”

Any suggestions on what I can do? I understand that a relationship requires compromise but I just can’t figure out what would work in this situation?

 

[underacloud]

Any suggestions on what I can do? I understand that a relationship requires compromise but I just can’t figure out what would work in this situation?

Well, it seems clear that you know what your choices are and the pros and cons of each. So choose.

If your choice is to travel, work elsewhere, build equity, etc, then so be it. While you GF may find it unfair to wait all this time for you, the sooner you end it the better for her. You can’t remain with her out of a sense of obligation.

If your choice is to accept the life she seemingly has in mind for you two, then you’ll need to find a way to be at peace with what you feel you will miss.

Of course, a couple who love each other will be prepared to discuss all this and reach a reasonable solution, but if you two aren’t such a couple, then it’s probably time to end it anyway.

 

[EasterJoy]

After 6 years, you can hardly blame her for telling you to fish or cut bait.

I am reminded of this quote by Bl. John Paul II, from his homily at the canonization of St. Edith Stein:

*Although Edith Stein had been brought up religiously by her Jewish mother, at the age of 14 she “had consciously and deliberately stopped praying”. She wanted to rely exclusively on herself and was concerned to assert her freedom in making decisions about her life. At the end of a long journey, she came to the surprising realization: only those who commit themselves to the love of Christ become truly free.

This woman had to face the challenges of such a radically changing century as our own. Her experience is an example to us. The modern world boasts of the enticing door which says: everything is permitted. It ignores the narrow gate of discernment and renunciation. I am speaking especially to you, young Christians, particularly to the many altar servers who have come to Rome these days on pilgrimage: Pay attention! Your life is not an endless series of open doors! Listen to your heart! Do not stay on the surface, but go to the heart of things! And when the time is right, have the courage to decide! The Lord is waiting for you to put your freedom in his good hands. *

Go to the heart of things, and for the sake of this young woman if not for yourself, find the courage to decide. She deserves that much. Decide based on what God wants of you. God deserves no less, and neither do you.

 

[Kelfa28]

I guess the question is…do you want to marry her or not?

Forget all of this establishment and traveling thoughts for a second.

Do you want to marry her or not? Are you making excuses because you don’t want to marry her?

Why do you think that you can’t travel later on? My husband and I are newlyweds and we have only done a small amount of traveling. We still have so many plans to go to so many places with the kids and, eventually, without the kids as time goes on. We know we have our lives to do this…God willing.

Marriage and children should never stop these plans. Why can’t you plan trips together when you get married (honeymoon for example) and save for family trips further down the line?

As for establishing yourself. Why can’t you think about building your lives together with marriage instead of checking all of the boxes before you get married.

Things happen in life. Layoffs, promotions, illness, the economy, houses bought, houses lost…you can’t always have everything perfect always.
Marriage doesn’t mean life stops exactly where you are…whether you like it or not.

I thought everything was perfect when my husband and I got married. He had an amazing job that paid well. We bought a house and had our first kid.
Then something huge happened.
My husband was recently laid off last year and had to take a major pay cut when he accepted a different job.
You know what? We survived. We are still surviving.

Build up your savings as you go.

Look…you’ve been with her for 6.5 years. That is a substantial amount of time to discern whether you actually want to marry her or not.

Marriage is for better or for worse. For richer or poorer and everything in between. Either you see a future with her or you don’t. It can seriously be that black and white. Why? Because everything you’ve mentioned can be done with her by your side.

Seeing a future with her as your wife means you can figure things out as you go…and do it as a team.

You can still see the world. My husband works as an irrigation technician. Hardly the amazing career everyone in this world expects you to obtain. But you know what? It pays the bills, keeps a roof over our head and food on the table.
We plan to travel when time allows it.

We are happy because we are together. There is always the possibility that his experience in the military will earn him a better paying job out of state somewhere and, despite my roots here at home…I will be ready to go.

However, he is happy to be a provider and take a lower salaried job for his family, for now. Sacrifice makes a marriage.

 

[eyesopening]

Six years is an enormously long time for two people to just date. Most people get married after dating a year. Maybe two. I don’t blame her for giving you the ultimatum. Marry her, then travel together!

 

[tj5421]

I guess the question is…do you want to marry her or not?

Forget all of this establishment and traveling thoughts for a second.

Do you want to marry her or not? Are you making excuses because you don’t want to marry her?

Why do you think that you can’t travel later on? My husband and I are newlyweds and we have only done a small amount of traveling. We still have so many plans to go to so many places with the kids and, eventually, without the kids as time goes on. We know we have our lives to do this…God willing.

Marriage and children should never stop these plans. Why can’t you plan trips together when you get married (honeymoon for example) and save for family trips further down the line?

As for establishing yourself. Why can’t you think about building your lives together with marriage instead of checking all of the boxes before you get married.

Things happen in life. Layoffs, promotions, illness, the economy, houses bought, houses lost…you can’t always have everything perfect always.
Marriage doesn’t mean life stops exactly where you are…whether you like it or not.

I thought everything was perfect when my husband and I got married. He had an amazing job that paid well. We bought a house and had our first kid.
Then something huge happened.
My husband was recently laid off last year and had to take a major pay cut when he accepted a different job.
You know what? We survived. We are still surviving.

Build up your savings as you go.

Look…you’ve been with her for 6.5 years. That is a substantial amount of time to discern whether you actually want to marry her or not.

Marriage is for better or for worse. For richer or poorer and everything in between. Either you see a future with her or you don’t. It can seriously be that black and white. Why? Because everything you’ve mentioned can be done with her by your side.

Seeing a future with her as your wife means you can figure things out as you go…and do it as a team.

You can still see the world. My husband works as an irrigation technician. Hardly the amazing career everyone in this world expects you to obtain. But you know what? It pays the bills, keeps a roof over our head and food on the table.
We plan to travel when time allows it.

We are happy because we are together. There is always the possibility that his experience in the military will earn him a better paying job out of state somewhere and, despite my roots here at home…I will be ready to go.

However, he is happy to be a provider and take a lower salaried job for his family, for now. Sacrifice makes a marriage.

Reading your post really made me think about what my I believe marriage is. I have always thought of marriage in terms of financial obligations and what both parties bring to the table (I can’t help it due to what I went to school for). I always thought that both parties have an obligation to support each other. Currently I am just about to graduate from school and will be looking for a job. I guess I just feel weird if I were to get married to my gf and be living off of her until I get a job. I feel like I want to be able to equally provide her with support. I guess I have just always wanted the “white picket fence” before I got married. However, reading your post made me realize that marriage is about love and jobs, money, etc… is irrelevant and can be obtained later.

So according to my beliefs I would definitely say I am not ready to get married. As far as in terms of love, as I mentioned I have felt that we have pulled apart and become more distant. However, whenever I spend more time with her (on a vacation for example) I notice that we become closer. So now that I will be done I guess we will just have to see how it goes.

As far as traveling goes, as I previously mentioned my gf is very close to her family and I guess sort of “sheltered” and she has refused to travel out of the country or to go anywhere that you have to fly. So I guess I just worry what happens if we get married and some great job opportunity comes up and she refuses to go?

As far as checking the boxes go, I am a horrible multitasker. I can only focus on one thing at a time so I guess that is just my personality wanting to have everything in line before getting married.

I appreciate your post and it was definitely enlightened in that I am looking at things in the wrong way. Thank you for the advice.

 

[EasterJoy]

Six years is an enormously long time for two people to just date. Most people get married after dating a year. Maybe two. I don’t blame her for giving you the ultimatum. Marry her, then travel together!

I would say that it is typical to date for a year or two and then be engaged for six months to a year. Actually getting married within a year of beginning to date is a bit less common than fiddling around for four or five years without both parties agreeing to Just Do It. Usually the one who wants to marry won’t wait past five years, but it has been known to happen. They do get very angry when things end without a wedding, but that is the way it goes. There has to be free consent on both sides, not just a “well, I’ve had him/her on the line this long, I guess I owe it to him/her to marry.” If that is the way the OP feels, he ought to end this and let his gf find someone who is as ready to marry as she is. (And he ought to expect her to be pretty mad about it, but oh, well. The alternative of marrying for the wrong reason is far worse for both of them!)

 

[eyesopening]

I would say that it is typical to date for a year or two and then be engaged for six months to a year. Actually getting married within a year of beginning to date is a bit less common than fiddling around for four or five years without both parties agreeing to Just Do It. Usually the one who wants to marry won’t wait past five years, but it has been known to happen. They do get very angry when things end without a wedding, but that is the way it goes. There has to be free consent on both sides, not just a “well, I’ve had him/her on the line this long, I guess I owe it to him/her to marry.” If that is the way the OP feels, he ought to end this and let his gf find someone who is as ready to marry as she is. (And he ought to expect her to be pretty mad about it, but oh, well. The alternative of marrying for the wrong reason is far worse for both of them!)

Of course, of course. I didn’t mean that the OP should marry anyone for the wrong reasons.

 

[Warandpeace]

Have you considered the priesthood?

 

[aemcpa]

If you think you’re called to marry her, marry her. If you don’t, break up. Everything else will work itself out.

 

[Kelfa28]

Currently I am just about to graduate from school and will be looking for a job. I guess I just feel weird if I were to get married to my gf and be living off of her until I get a job. I feel like I want to be able to equally provide her with support. I guess I have just always wanted the “white picket fence” before I got married. However, reading your post made me realize that marriage is about love and jobs, money, etc… is irrelevant and can be obtained later.

It’s only weird to you because you can’t really see past what you have set up in your mind. You can’t think out of the box.
My husband is the provider of our family. I gave up my job to be a mom and to finish school at a later time.
If I find a better job after school is done and it pays better then his…well, he has no issue reversing roles.

Having a white picket fence before you get married will drive you insane. It nearly drove us insane. We got lucky when we stumbled on our white fence.
My husband and I had been through a lot by that point. The stars seriously aligned for us to be able to buy a house. We moved into it a week after we got married.
We saw the writing on the wall with his job and he got laid off about 3 months later.

Otherwise…we would still be in an apartment somewhere. And that would have been okay with us.
My parents didn’t get there house until about 3-4 years into their marriage and with two kids under their belt at that point. They lived with my grandparents for awhile.

So according to my beliefs I would definitely say I am not ready to get married. As far as in terms of love, as I mentioned I have felt that we have pulled apart and become more distant. However, whenever I spend more time with her (on a vacation for example) I notice that we become closer. So now that I will be done I guess we will just have to see how it goes.

Not trying to be mean…but if my husband put me through this…I would have lost my mind and then I would have broken up with him.
Once again…you’ve had 6.5 years to discern. I’m not exactly sure what you are waiting for. Marriage takes work. You can’t really wait until you are in an absolutely perfect place in your relationship to propose.
You two really should sit down and talk about this. Maybe sit down with a priest as well? Kind of like a pre-pre-cana class.

As far as traveling goes, as I previously mentioned my gf is very close to her family and I guess sort of “sheltered” and she has refused to travel out of the country or to go anywhere that you have to fly. So I guess I just worry what happens if we get married and some great job opportunity comes up and she refuses to go?

Again, this is something you need to talk to her about. Not just about traveling but about what marriage means to her. What sacrificial love means to her and to you. What are you willing to sacrifice for. What are you not willing to sacrifice for?

My sister doesn’t have a travel bug. She’s never been out too far from home. She has no desire to go anywhere.
Neither does her husband and it works for them both. That is fine.

My husband and I are the exact opposite. The passports and cash are always ready and available for us to up and leave for awhile. We have the travel bug. We can’t wait to add more countries under our belt. My daughter got her first passport at 8 months.

I’m stressing the sit down discussion. Not just about traveling but absolutely everything. You two need to be on the same page.
It sounds like you aren’t there yet.

As far as checking the boxes go, I am a horrible multitasker. I can only focus on one thing at a time so I guess that is just my personality wanting to have everything in line before getting married

Why do you think that is? What will happen when things do fall apart when you are married? Will you be able to cope?

What exactly is having everything in line mean? How far does it go?

This is exactly why so many people wait until they are well into their 30s before they actually get married and have children. We are at the point where people are willing and feel the need to have their children before they get married too… This mind set doesn’t help a marriage. I believe it hinders it. When problems do arise…how does one handle them without thinking…“But I did everything I was supposed to do! Everything was perfect…now what?”

I appreciate your post and it was definitely enlightened in that I am looking at things in the wrong way. Thank you for the advice.

You’re very welcome.

I’ll say some prayers for you and your GF. I really hope everything works out…regardless of what you decide to do.

Keep praying and spend some time with our Lord. It’s amazing what He can do for you!

God bless!

 

[Jon_S_1]

6.5 years is a long time to date. I am not surprised she’s pissed because I am sure she has wanted to get married for a long time.

However

This is no reason to marry her.

You do need to decide. Either marry her for the right reasons or else I’d break up with her. To do otherwise is sort of just leading her on as you have no real intention of marriage anytime soon.

 

[Lorelei12]

OP, I was like you a few years ago. I was scared to commit to getting married because I felt like I hadn’t done all of the things I wanted to do and didn’t think I’d ever get to do them if I got married. I wanted to travel more, considered moving somewhere else in the country…and my then-boyfriend (now-husband) had almost no interest in traveling and wanted to stay in the same place his whole life.

I bought into the whole idea that you need to get things “out of your system” before settling down. But then I pictured myself moving across the country and realized I didn’t want to bother if he wasn’t with me. We talked a lot about what we could compromise on and what we wouldn’t. We both made some sacrifices to be with each other- maybe I’ll end up living here my whole life, but that’s okay if I’m with him. And he’s made some sacrifices regarding traveling too. He’ll go along with me on trips we can afford, even if he’s not that excited about it, and it helps me to be okay with living in one place because I get to see others occasionally. I may not get to do everything I ever wanted, but that’s life, and I have something much, much better anyway. We get to go through life together.

You have to decide what you are willing to give up to be with her, and whether you think it’s worth it. And that goes for her, too. If neither of you can come to an agreement happily, maybe you just aren’t a good fit. But figure it out soon, so that she isn’t waiting around for you any longer.

And, about the money thing- I was unemployed when we married. It was actually easier for me to focus on job hunting because we worked together- I didn’t have to worry about how we were going to pay rent, because he had a job, and I made sure the household was under control. I eventually found something and now we are doing much better, but we sure didn’t start out with the ideal situation. Things don’t have to be perfect before you get married- I wish I had gotten that through my head much sooner than I did. But you really have to figure this stuff out soon, for her sake and for yours.

 

[McMcMe]

Honestly from your post it doesn’t sound like you’ve spent the last 6.5 years building momentum for your life together as much as each of you living your own life with the other as an appendage. When you decided to opt for more schooling rather than work, did you discuss it together and what that would mean for your future? When she moved to where she is now after graduation did you discuss it? Is she your beloved in the sense that you share your hopes and dreams together almost daily or is she your romantic getaway partner who you rekindle attraction with when you see each other? If your lives aren’t merging and haven’t been for a long time, you each done a disservice to the other by staying together so long. You can’t each just sit on your own shore of the life you’ve built for yourself and expect the other to conform to your wishes.

Marriage is not the capstone of a relationship–it is the beginning of a commitment. Married life isn’t the cherry on top of the accomplishment cake (job, house, savings, etc.) it is the engine that makes attaining those goals have meaning beyond achievement. While a certain amount of “cold feet” before taking a commitment is normal because you ARE shutting off potentials and possibilities that you may have otherwise had as an individual, ultimately marriage should be the natural progression of how you have built your lives TOGETHER.

FYI, I would NEVER advise a young person to stay in a relationship for 6.5 years before discussing marriage because it simply encourages a mindset that is contrary to what real courting and dating would be about. My advice to young people is if you aren’t ready to marry in the next year or two, don’t date. What’s the point? Does that mean you have to get married within two years of your first date? No way–but if you aren’t even close to wanting to marry, why date? It will only cause hard feelings of having “wasted” your youth with someone who isn’t ready to enter into married life anyway.

From a practical standpoint, if you want to travel, hold off on the picket fence. When you have an apartment you don’t have to worry about pipes bursting, grass growing, etc. while you’re off having adventures!

 

[CradleJourney]

As far as in terms of love, as I mentioned I have felt that we have pulled apart and become more distant. However, whenever I spend more time with her (on a vacation for example) I notice that we become closer. So now that I will be done I guess we will just have to see how it goes.

As far as traveling goes, as I previously mentioned my gf is very close to her family and I guess sort of “sheltered” and she has refused to travel out of the country or to go anywhere that you have to fly. So I guess I just worry what happens if we get married and some great job opportunity comes up and she refuses to go?

As far as checking the boxes go, I am a horrible multitasker. I can only focus on one thing at a time so I guess that is just my personality wanting to have everything in line before getting married.

First - if you wait until everything is line before __________, then you will a)drive yourself crazy and b)it will probably never happen. (Fill in that blank with “getting married”, “having children”, “traveling to Europe”, “buying a house”, etc.) Opportunities rarely wait until everything is in line.

Second - my advice (take it or leave it, no hard feelings either way smile) is to GO. If you want to travel - go now. Big trip, small trip, doesn’t matter. Go. Practice doing something without waiting for ‘everything’ to be ready. And then see how you feel.

My guess is that you’ll discover two things - one, is that while mishaps will occur (after all, things weren’t perfectly planned) you’ll be just fine. And two, that if you’re really meant to be with her, you’ll find yourself wanting to cut it short because without her, the travel just isn’t that much fun.

So talk things over with her. I do think you two need to both decide what you want your futures to be - and if that’s with each other, awesome! But if each of you goes into the marriage really wishing the other would change - that’s a recipe for disaster. Everything requires a sacrifice - the key for a good marriage is that you’re both willing to make sacrifices for the same things.

Best wishes to you both.

 

[EasterJoy]

Of course, of course. I didn’t mean that the OP should marry anyone for the wrong reasons.

Still, by the time you’re 6 years out, you ought to know, and you ought to have the courage to act on what you know. One way or the other, the gf is right: It is time to pull the trigger, and if the answer is “no”, it has been time for a very long time. He has implied he has a long-term interest in her for over six years, has assumed her fidelity to him. She deserves to be freed now to find somebody else or else to be married to him within the year, and after all this time it is no wonder that she is angry that this is even a question.

He should not force himself to answer “yes”, but he should force himself to give her a definitive answer, and not another request to put it off.

(PS I know a couple of close friends (to each other), incidentally, who used the summer before their weddings to hike a large section of the Pacific Crest Trail. If he wants to travel alone before marriage, maybe he can set a wedding date and then actually pull the trigger on the travel he wants to do before that date. That would be negotiable…)

 

[eyesopening]

It is time to pull the trigger…

set a wedding date and then actually** pull the trigge**r

Nice gun metaphor! lol! Not sure marriage is the best topic for it though!

 

[EasterJoy]

Nice gun metaphor! lol! Not sure marriage is the best topic for it though!

I dunno. If he doesn’t pull the trigger metaphorically, he might find she’s willing to do it literally.

 

[Kelfa28]

I dunno. If he doesn’t pull the trigger metaphorically, he might find she’s willing to do it literally.

Haha…this made me chuckle.

 

[EasterJoy]

Haha…this made me chuckle.

Depending on how mad his girlfriend has gotten, my quip not affect the OP the same way!!
(No, you may not morally shoot someone who strings you along for 6 years and then leaves you in order to be certain of seeing Paris and Rome while he is still young…tempting, but not moral. )

Seriously, though, the OP ought to ask himself why he’s not in any hurry to marry this lady. If it is because he has serious reservations, he ought not let the length of time to force him to do something he should have decided against a long time ago. Whatever the right decision is, it is better made late than never. Still, if he has to admit she’s not the right one and let her know, he shouldn’t expect congratulations for his honesty and prudence. He’d better expect she’ll be very angry about it. It can’t be helped.