Cry Room Question

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ehanway

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Hi all,
I need some advice. My husband and I have been sitting in the cry room with our 12 mo dd since she was born. Trouble is that there are other parents there who do not control their children very well-even some who are old enough to receive communion. I would like to sit with the regular congregation but as my daughter is just beginning to talk she can be very vocal at times. What should I do?
Also I need to keep her entertained but would like to do so with some religious toys as I don’t like the whole business of bringing all kinds of toys and food to Mass. Ultimately I would like my daughter’s focus to be on the Mass and not other activities. Does anyone know a good way to do this? I would appreciate any advice anyone can offer!
Thanks,
ehanway:)
 
We used to go to a crying room with the kids and I didn’t realize just how much we were missing until we moved to a new parish that had no crying room.

We found it helpful to bring along a few religious toys - nothing that makes noise. I have found even some toys that don’t make noise, the kids like to make it for them - like cars and trucks! Vrrooom!! I didn’t like books for littler ones because they just kept asking me to read during Mass. These little toys and things were in a special bag that was only taken to Church.

As they got older, we dwindled the type of toys and increased their expectations of following along. Make some ‘benchmarks’ of progress (first, no running out of the pew - then perhaps standing when mom stands but can have a toy then - to standing without a toy, etc.) Many adults can’t pay attention for the entire Mass, so don’t expect my little ones to.

To keep them occupied we would sit up front. I would play little things with them like look at the picture of Mary over there and It’s almost time to go visit the priest (communion). During music portions I sang in their ear and swayed with them.

It is not always the most pleasant thing to bring a infant/toddler to church (sorry Lord!). As someone once told me “the harder it is for you to go to Mass, the more the Lord loves you!”. Right now, in my family, the Lord must love me something great!
 
Hi ehanway,

I agree with you that cry rooms are usually a problem. They mostly serve as play rooms where older children who should know better teach other children bad habits. Ours is even attached to the bathroom with it’s own door! You can imagine the traffic. We sat there ONCE.

Anyway, here is what works for us. We have an almost 4 yr old and a one year old, and we have always sat with the congregation. Whether we sit towards the front or the back depends on how our kids have been behaving lately (towards the back if it’s likely we’ll have to take someone outside). We have taught them to not shout or talk through shear repetition and by example. We bring baby books and small (quiet) toys for the baby and children’s bibles for the older one. For those desperate times, a small ziplock bag of Cheerios (for the baby only) does wonders.

But inevitably, you will have to take the baby outside sometimes. This is normal and your pew neighbors will understand. Just don’t make it fun to go to the lobby or the the back of the church. Stand quietly till they calm down and then go back. Sometimes you never make it back in, but you have to keep trying. Eventually they learn.

For older kids (2-3yrs), I think it’s important to not give in to defiant or rude behavior. We’re more old school, and not above spanking within reason. And if you are consistent in the behavior you expect, then it is rarely even necessary. Our oldest son (4) is actually interested in being considered a “good boy” even after a rough Sunday of misbehaving. So we find it helpful sometimes to remind him before we go in that we’d like him to “be a good boy today in church”, and then he usually is perfect.

I would just sit towards the back for a while and give it a try. Your daughter will see everyone else being quiet and do likewise I’m sure.

Good luck!
 
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ehanway:
Hi all,
I need some advice. My husband and I have been sitting in the cry room with our 12 mo dd since she was born. Trouble is that there are other parents there who do not control their children very well-even some who are old enough to receive communion. I would like to sit with the regular congregation but as my daughter is just beginning to talk she can be very vocal at times. What should I do?
Also I need to keep her entertained but would like to do so with some religious toys as I don’t like the whole business of bringing all kinds of toys and food to Mass. Ultimately I would like my daughter’s focus to be on the Mass and not other activities. Does anyone know a good way to do this? I would appreciate any advice anyone can offer!
Thanks,
ehanway:)
Click to expand...
I would take your daughter into the Mass and get her (and everyone else) used to the idea. Most children can be taught to sit through a Mass. You are missing out on so much by staying in the crying room. A lot of priests really encourage families to stay in the pews and not to leave unless their child is really crying.

It’s good for you and your child to be in the Church. Don’t miss out on the Mass. Let your daughter get used to being there.
 
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thistle:
What is a cry room?
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A cry room is a room set aside for parents of kids who are active and don’t like Mass. I think they are wired for sound. We don’t have one at our parish, so I’ve never experienced the ‘delights’ of a cry room. My impression is that the kids basically don’t behave well in them.
 
Get several different board books and/or soft books. Switch them every Sunday so they don’t get bored with the same ones. We also have to sit in a certain order in the pew because some kids can’t leave their hands off other ones. It took us a few weeks to figure it out, but it has been worth it! We also sit up front.
We have a wonderful priest who will acknowledge all the parents with little ones in church and tell them he knows it’s hard to do, but important to bring them. We don’t mind a little noise. 😃
 
We have 5 children ages 8, 5, 4, 2 and 8 months. We have only sat in the cry room 1 time, when church was really full. It really makes you feel seperate from the rest of the congregation! What’s worked for us it using a sling for young babies and toddlers. It keeps them close and contained. Of course your baby is already 12 months old and probaby isn’t used to a sling, so that might not work. I suggest baby be in your arms during Mass, no playing around in the pew–this would last until the child can behave in Mass with little redirection (around 3 years old or so). We don’t do toys, snacks or drinks–even for the young ones, because it just ends in a fight or mess (since we have more than one child). That’s just our personal preference. Direct their attention to the statues, lights, crucifix, priest, whatever they might be able to focus on. Say the responses in their ear, sing the songs to them and take them out if need be.

Good luck and God bless,
Jennifer
 
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ehanway:
Hi all,
I need some advice. My husband and I have been sitting in the cry room with our 12 mo dd since she was born. Trouble is that there are other parents there who do not control their children very well-even some who are old enough to receive communion. I would like to sit with the regular congregation but as my daughter is just beginning to talk she can be very vocal at times. What should I do?
Also I need to keep her entertained but would like to do so with some religious toys as I don’t like the whole business of bringing all kinds of toys and food to Mass. Ultimately I would like my daughter’s focus to be on the Mass and not other activities. Does anyone know a good way to do this? I would appreciate any advice anyone can offer!
Thanks,
ehanway:)
Click to expand...
I have 6 kids, the older 4 who are very well behaved. The younger 2 haven’t been “broken” yet. 😉 We avoid the crying rooms because most of them seem to be playrooms. The parents there rarely seem to try and keep their kids under wraps. We use the vestibule when ours get unruly. We don’t mind our children moving about in church (until they are about 3 or 4)but they have to be quiet. If they are not quiet, either my husband or I will take them to the vestibule, which is wired for sound. Our child is not allowed to get down and run around. We hold them and shush them. It doesn’t take them too long to figure out that it’s much better to be quiet in the pew. We also bring quiet books for those who are under the able to sit still phase. Cloth or board ones are the best because it’s amazing how much noise a child can make with a paper book! We also point to different things in the church like the window, statues, etc. We never bring food or toys.
 
DON"T GO TO THE CRY ROOM! I too, was very uncomfortable with trying to keep my daughter, who is now 4 and a handful, quiet at church. Most of this is your own anxiety, most people don’t mind children/or have been there. As long as your child is not disrupting mass or screaming bloody murder, let them be kids. All of us worship diffrently, this is also applicable to kids. My daughter to this day when we sing at mass sings la la la. In the begginning, this really annoyed me. But then I got thinking about this, she was 3 and she can’t read, and she doesn’t know the music, so her singing lalala is her way of participating. Also, involve them. AND PRAISE THEM on the good things that they do(blessing themselves, genuflecting, little things) Have them meet the priest. Luckily, I have a wonderful, young, outgoing priest (my daughter adores him) and he told me to sit up front and for a few weeks he would occasionally glance at my daughter during mass, and she knew that Fr watching her. That did the trick. I’m not sure what your mass times are, but some masses are geared towards families. In my parish, its Sat evenings. Also don’t let any cross “look” discourage you. And if anyone makes any remarks, kindly remind them that your child is the future of our Church.
 
“Let the children come to me, do not hinder them; for to such belongs the kingdom of God.” – Jesus
 
Trelow said:
“Let the children come to me, do not hinder them; for to such belongs the kingdom of God.” – Jesus
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Yes, but children were well behaved in the Lord’s time.:hmmm:
  • Kathie :bowdown:
 
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harinkj:
Yes, but children were well behaved in the Lord’s time.:hmmm:
  • Kathie :bowdown:
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Cus they got their little butts whooped for getting out of line back then.
 
I think parents should only use a cry room as a temporary holding area, no matter the age of the child always try to start the Mass in the main church. I f they are getting rowdy or noisy, then go to the cry room and calm them down while you are still seeing and listening to the Mass.

When the child is quited go back to your pew in the main church.

Trick
 
Does anyone ever consider that the reason a child under 7 does not have an obligation to hear Mass is this very issue? Should we be running out into the foyer when Johnny “misbehaves” at Mass or should we accept the fact that Johnny is 15 months, 24 months 3, 4 or any age under 7. Should the church have a cry room which is not conducive to much or might couple consider why there are NO CRY ROOMS in older parish churches? Back in the 20s and 30s when my grandmother had her ten children she and Grandpa actually went to Mass ALONE!! What how could they do that what did the neighbors think? Considering that Grandma had kids in 1920, 22, 24, 28, 29, 31, 32 , 34, 36 and 39, they probably thought the marriage was okay even with separate Mass times for the couple.

My recommendation is to either worship at different times from your husband like in the old days or find a parish with a paid nursery staff. This is one of the practical differences between us and the Protestants. They provide free childcare for worship, Bible study and activities and we don’t.

I also want to mention that it is extremely rude to keep a misbehaving child in Mass. My 4 year-old went on a tirade about hating God on 8/15 and we had to leave. Since it was not technically a day of obligation and I was alone with my 8. 4 and 2 year-olds, we left. On 11/1 my 8-year-old and went alone. As my wife in not Catholic this works well on most Sundays too.

The Church needs to address this and be honest and drop this isn’t nice to have everyone in Mass and the parish school ideal. Some toddlers are not up to going to Mass and the parents stop going. Likewise some students do not succeed in parochial school and parents feel guilty for using the government’s “public” school.

Who has an obligation to hear the Mass and how do we best accomodate them to get them there? Cry rooms are not the answer but neither is bringing a bunch of “stuff” for Johnny to play with. Leave Johnny home until school starts that’s what my grandparents did.
 
Dear geneologist,
You make some excellent points. I do want to point out, though, that the structure of our society has changed a lot since the 20’s. Back then, women stayed home with their children usually. Nowadays, many women work outside of the home and really don’t want any extra time away from their small children than they already have. Also, back in the 20’s life was more of a local experience, meaning that people didn’t have to drive long distances in order to go to Church. They often were within walking distance. Therefore, it wasn’t a big timeconsuming thing to drive 20 minutes, or more, through traffic in order to attend Mass in shifts like this.

These are just things to consider, that there is no easy answer to this problem of young children becoming restless at Mass.
 
We went about it another way…we wore the kids down all day, fed them about an hour before, and then went to the 4:30 Saturday evening mass. More times than not, they slept through it. When they didn’t, they were still sluggish so we’d keep them in our arms. This is from age infancy to age 5.

Once they were in preschool/kinder then they were expected to behave like they do at school for the 45 minute mass. We did still have to bring books or small distractions for them, but they were already used to ‘inside voices’ , ‘listening posture’, and ‘sitting still’ so there were minimal voice/activity issues to contend with.

As infants/toddlers, if one would be especially colicky, sick or crabby all day so we weren’t surprised the hour became a battle, either my husband or I would take them out. If they were both acting up we left. We’d come back at a different mass on Sunday. Sometimes (very rare) hubby and I would take turns going to mass. One would stay home with the sick child, while the other would take the other to mass. Then the one who stayed home would go to mass alone while the one who already went stayed home with the other two.
 
All in all I don’t like the very idea of a Cry Room - though as a father of 3 I understand. While I don’t want to get into the merits of a Cry Room, I would like to relay a scene from a Mass I attended in Paris some years ago. A young father had an active 3 or 4 year old with him. What was noteworthy was how all the other adults around them worked with the father to keep the child in line - stern looks, pointing, the occaisional HRMPH, etc. The father was not being criticised, but helped - and the child noted the general adult displeasure. The mother arrived late to Mass. Shortly thereafter the child escaped into the aisle. The dad grabbed him and picked him up assertively. The childs hands instinctive (reflexively?) covered his bottom. 🙂 The point is that children are part of the congregation. They are a special part - and sometimes the congretion can help the sometimes overwhelmed parents. Rather than a cry room, I’d rather hear a few childish outbursts. If nothing else, it’s the sound of life.
 
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ehanway:
Hi all,
I need some advice. My husband and I have been sitting in the cry room with our 12 mo dd since she was born. Trouble is that there are other parents there who do not control their children very well-even some who are old enough to receive communion. I would like to sit with the regular congregation but as my daughter is just beginning to talk she can be very vocal at times. What should I do?
Also I need to keep her entertained but would like to do so with some religious toys as I don’t like the whole business of bringing all kinds of toys and food to Mass. Ultimately I would like my daughter’s focus to be on the Mass and not other activities. Does anyone know a good way to do this? I would appreciate any advice anyone can offer!
Thanks,
ehanway:)
Click to expand...
As the father of eight, I have found that a “cry room” can be very useful. The best one I’ve seen had a clear view of the altar and pulpit, a good sound system, a seperate entrance – and a private bathroom – WONDERFUL for toddlers!

HOWEVER, I am opposed to the use of cryrooms for those over a certain age. If a child is old enough to receive the Eucharist, he is old enough to sit through the typical 55 minute Mass. In my opinion, cryrooms should be restricted to preschooler and younger.
 
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