Crying as I type this

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AppleCrisp2008

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I am new to this forum and I don’t know what to type. I am sorry beforehand if I don’t know the proper protocols of posting.

I have had problems with my addictions for a long time. I looked at pornography for 8 years, ever since high school, and masturbated for about the same time frame. I am now 25, and just recently had a rude awakening to the seriousness of it all.

I met a wonderful catholic girl right before the summer of 2006. I had been thinking about joining the catholic church for some time before then, but I was very ashamed at myself for the habits I had been taking part of. I would masturbate about once or twice a week and look at pornography at least once a month. I felt very ashamed of it and didn’t think I was worthy of joining the church. When I met her I decided that I really needed to stop looking at pornography. I was able to stop from that summer until that winter, when I relapsed back into it.

I felt terrible, and went to church by myself for the first time in a long time. I cried in public and was completely ashamed at myself. The thing is, I continued to masturbate and look at porn, lying to her that I had broken the porn habit since before I met her. This was a lie, and I had been looking at it during our relationship. I had been trying to stop, many, many, many times during our relationship. When I think I would be doing good, I would just fall back into my sin. It was a terrible cycle of lies to her face and abuses to my soul.

Fast-forward to 2008. I decided to join the church in 2007 and had been going through the RCIA process, still living in sin. I made everything seem like it was going just fine, but in reality it wasn’t. It was then when the bomb exploded, in February of 2008. I had a zip file of pornography on my computer that my girlfriend found out about and I fessed up. It was the hardest thing I had ever done in my entire life. It took us a long time to work things out, and she was a saint for not leaving me. You don’t even know how much I love this girl. She is perfect for me and I feel completely terrible whenever I hurt her like this. I felt so terrible for hurting her, lying to her time and time again, and hurting myself.

I stopped looking at pornography and stopped masturbating completely.

I lasted for 56 days of no masturbating. I made it through the remaining days of lent, through Easter when I was confirmed, and until last Tuesday when it happened again. Then it happened the following day, and then for a third time yesterday. I still have not looked at any pornography or anything bad like that at all, and I am not lying to her or myself when I tell her that I am doing good in that regard. I had been lying to her again since then whenever she asks me how I am doing with “that stuff”.

I don’t want to go back into that terrible cycle of lies, because she deserves better. I can’t lie to her anymore, and yet I lied to her about this again. This morning I told her that I messed up. She thought it was a bad April Fool’s Joke, but it wasn’t, and neither is this post. I haven’t heard from her since fessing up and telling her it wasn’t a joke, and I don’t know what to do.

I can’t stop crying and I just need your prayers to help me through this. I need more strength because I don’t know if I can do it alone. I feel like a worthless person who can’t do anything. I spent 56 days of not messing up, and ruined it all in an instant. Please pray for me. I really need God’s strength and mercy. I am so scared.
 
Praying for you. God knows how much you have been struggling. Go to confession, express your sorrows to God, and resolve yourself from doing this again.

Our Lord is the Lord of second chances…and thirds…and fourths…
 
God forgives, but people don’t. I just called her and she picked up the phone. She thinks I am lying to her again. I don’t know what to do.
 
Lord, your child is heartbroken, and kneels humbly before you asking for your mercy. Hold him in your loving embrace as he cries dear Lord. Comfort him in his anguish. Watch over him Lord, that he may feel your presence always near, and forever look to you in faith and devotion, when he feels weak. He is but a man, and you above all, know the desires of his heart. Grant him strength Lord, that he might succeed in his goals. Father, in your tender love and mercy, forgive him his trespasses, and grant that he and his girlfriend might find forgiveness in their hearts as well.

O Holy Spirit, beloved of my soul… I adore You.
Enlighten me, guide me, strengthen me, console me.
Tell me what I should do… give me Your orders.
I promise to submit myself to all that you desire of me and to accept all that You permit to happen to me.
Let me only know Your will.

Prayer for Purity

Jesus, Lover of chastity,
Mary, Mother most pure,
and Joseph, chaste guardian of the Virgin,
to you I come at this hour,
begging you to plead with God for me.
I earnestly wish to be pure in thought,
word and deed in imitation of your own holy purity.

Obtain for me, then,
a deep sense of modesty
which will be reflected in my external conduct.
Protect my eyes, the windows of my soul,
from anything that might dim the luster of a heart
that must mirror only Christlike purity.

And when the “Bread of Angels becomes the Bread of me”
in my heart at Holy Communion,
seal it forever against the suggestions of sinful pleasures.

Heart of Jesus, Fount of all purity,
have mercy on us.
 
Because I think you need this…:console:
Give her some time. You do some praying. It’ll work out.
Kathy
 
AppleCrisp2008 said:
I am new to this forum and I don’t know what to type. I am sorry beforehand if I don’t know the proper protocols of posting.

I have had problems with my addictions for a long time. I looked at pornography for 8 years, ever since high school, and masturbated for about the same time frame. I am now 25, and just recently had a rude awakening to the seriousness of it all.

I met a wonderful catholic girl right before the summer of 2006. I had been thinking about joining the catholic church for some time before then, but I was very ashamed at myself for the habits I had been taking part of. I would masturbate about once or twice a week and look at pornography at least once a month. I felt very ashamed of it and didn’t think I was worthy of joining the church. When I met her I decided that I really needed to stop looking at pornography. I was able to stop from that summer until that winter, when I relapsed back into it.

I felt terrible, and went to church by myself for the first time in a long time. I cried in public and was completely ashamed at myself. The thing is, I continued to masturbate and look at porn, lying to her that I had broken the porn habit since before I met her. This was a lie, and I had been looking at it during our relationship. I had been trying to stop, many, many, many times during our relationship. When I think I would be doing good, I would just fall back into my sin. It was a terrible cycle of lies to her face and abuses to my soul.

Fast-forward to 2008. I decided to join the church in 2007 and had been going through the RCIA process, still living in sin. I made everything seem like it was going just fine, but in reality it wasn’t. It was then when the bomb exploded, in February of 2008. I had a zip file of pornography on my computer that my girlfriend found out about and I fessed up. It was the hardest thing I had ever done in my entire life. It took us a long time to work things out, and she was a saint for not leaving me. You don’t even know how much I love this girl. She is perfect for me and I feel completely terrible whenever I hurt her like this. I felt so terrible for hurting her, lying to her time and time again, and hurting myself.

I stopped looking at pornography and stopped masturbating completely.

I lasted for 56 days of no masturbating. I made it through the remaining days of lent, through Easter when I was confirmed, and until last Tuesday when it happened again. Then it happened the following day, and then for a third time yesterday. I still have not looked at any pornography or anything bad like that at all, and I am not lying to her or myself when I tell her that I am doing good in that regard. I had been lying to her again since then whenever she asks me how I am doing with “that stuff”.

I don’t want to go back into that terrible cycle of lies, because she deserves better. I can’t lie to her anymore, and yet I lied to her about this again. This morning I told her that I messed up. She thought it was a bad April Fool’s Joke, but it wasn’t, and neither is this post. I haven’t heard from her since fessing up and telling her it wasn’t a joke, and I don’t know what to do.

I can’t stop crying and I just need your prayers to help me through this. I need more strength because I don’t know if I can do it alone. I feel like a worthless person who can’t do anything. I spent 56 days of not messing up, and ruined it all in an instant. Please pray for me. I really need God’s strength and mercy. I am so scared.
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I’m sorry to hear this–I’ll keep you in my prayers. Just know, that porn, and ‘sins of the flesh,’ such as sexual sins like masturbation are very gripping, and can in some cases, take a long time to overcome. I went to a most beautiful priest a few years ago, who when I confessed a particular sin I had repeated from time to time…and asked him, ‘how do I stop repeating this?’ He said, ‘God only asks us to get up when we fall, and to follow Him, again. Just keep confessing as often as it takes.’ I thought that was very comforting. Please know you are not alone in repeating sin–I don’t have the same struggles you have, but I repeat other ones here and there, and just when I thought I was ‘cured,’ there I go again.:o Stay close to Christ always–keep praying for you, and for others who struggle with this too…keep confessing, sooner or later, you will overcome, by the grace of God. You are in my prayers.
 
Will pray for you.

(There’s a lot of info in Catholic Answers main page on purity/porn problems in Pure Love Club and many related links that might be helpful).

There are other threads out there on this topic from other posters out there that might be helpful if you can research them. A lot of good advice there to.

Don’t give up. Be hopeful!
 
Yes, I am very serious about our relationship and want to ask her to marry me. I have never met anyone like her in my entire life and I love her dearly, which is why it kills me so much to know that what I have done hurts her so much. She is a saint and has already helped me so much with my problems and has helped form me into a person that I am somewhat proud to be.

She is the only person I have ever told of this problem, and it hurts me so much because it directly affects her as well. I can’t lie to her telling her that I am ok, because lying is so hurtful to a relationship, as I found out full well.

I just don’t know what to do about my masturbation problem. I can’t believe I made it so long only to mess up again. My head is spinning and I want to puke. I have nobody else to turn to. I can’t talk to my parents because I don’t want them to know. I can’t talk to a priest, because I don’t know how to set anything up.

I just really, really, really beg for your prayers. Please someone help me.
 
Instead of worrying about lying to her and hurting her, why not ask her if she will be your helper?

Most people who are trying to change habits or kick addictions have someone who holds them accountable, can talk to them when they are tempted, and go over their progress.

If you two are considering marriage, this is a perfect time to begin a process of working together to improve. After your wedding it’s not as if you and she will be perfect humans. We all sin, and knowing someone is there to help you and listen to you is a big motivator to keep trying.
 
Hey Apple… Dont beat yourself up so badly about this. When you are addicted to doing something, it is something that takes time to break. You didnt start doing this over night and it wont go away overnight . Just do as they suggested and go to confession and start over. Everyday is a new day to try again. If you fail, it only shows that you are human. Send me a Private message anytime you need to talk to someone and I will be there for you. I am praying for you as my heart is breaking and I am wanting to cry with you. Saint Joseph. Give him strength. God Bless you.

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name.
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Amen.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.
 
I know how you feel in some ways. I gave up porn easy but masturbation. well I can last a couple of days and then I confess to the same priest over and over. I know you can get frustrated because I have been very frustrated. and I mean VERY. praying for you dont give up! 🙂
 
Gigglin4God said:
Hey Apple… Dont beat yourself up so badly about this. When you are addicted to doing something, it is something that takes time to break. You didnt start doing this over night and it wont go away overnight . Just do as they suggested and go to confession and start over. Everyday is a new day to try again. If you fail, it only shows that you are human. Send me a Private message anytime you need to talk to someone and I will be there for you. I am praying for you as my heart is breaking and I am wanting to cry with you. Saint Joseph. Give him strength. God Bless you.

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name.
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Amen.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.
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That goes for me to, let me know if I can help. This is not an unsolvable problem. You can over come this if you want to, and I can tell you do. You sound very remorseful and that can help you to stay away from that stuff.

Check out those purity web sites for starters. Go to confession. The priest can also assist and you’ll be right with God. Will keep you in my prayers.
 
Now that you are received in to the Church, please go to confession as frequently as you need to. Let your girlfriend know that this is a problem that you are working on with your confessor. She does not need to be advised of her every stumble you make along the way. This is something that many, many young men have a problem with. It is good that this is a problem that you take seriously and want to solve. Don’t feel bad or helpless that you are not perfect…just keep working towards perfection and frequent the sacraments that will help you get there.

Welcome to the Catholic Church and know that there are many here who are praying for you.
 
AppleCrisp2008 said:
I am new to this forum and I don’t know what to type. I am sorry beforehand if I don’t know the proper protocols of posting.

I have had problems with my addictions for a long time. I looked at pornography for 8 years, ever since high school, and masturbated for about the same time frame. I am now 25, and just recently had a rude awakening to the seriousness of it all.

I met a wonderful catholic girl right before the summer of 2006. I had been thinking about joining the catholic church for some time before then, but I was very ashamed at myself for the habits I had been taking part of. I would masturbate about once or twice a week and look at pornography at least once a month. I felt very ashamed of it and didn’t think I was worthy of joining the church. When I met her I decided that I really needed to stop looking at pornography. I was able to stop from that summer until that winter, when I relapsed back into it.

I felt terrible, and went to church by myself for the first time in a long time. I cried in public and was completely ashamed at myself. The thing is, I continued to masturbate and look at porn, lying to her that I had broken the porn habit since before I met her. This was a lie, and I had been looking at it during our relationship. I had been trying to stop, many, many, many times during our relationship. When I think I would be doing good, I would just fall back into my sin. It was a terrible cycle of lies to her face and abuses to my soul.

Fast-forward to 2008. I decided to join the church in 2007 and had been going through the RCIA process, still living in sin. I made everything seem like it was going just fine, but in reality it wasn’t. It was then when the bomb exploded, in February of 2008. I had a zip file of pornography on my computer that my girlfriend found out about and I fessed up. It was the hardest thing I had ever done in my entire life. It took us a long time to work things out, and she was a saint for not leaving me. You don’t even know how much I love this girl. She is perfect for me and I feel completely terrible whenever I hurt her like this. I felt so terrible for hurting her, lying to her time and time again, and hurting myself.

I stopped looking at pornography and stopped masturbating completely.

I lasted for 56 days of no masturbating. I made it through the remaining days of lent, through Easter when I was confirmed, and until last Tuesday when it happened again. Then it happened the following day, and then for a third time yesterday. I still have not looked at any pornography or anything bad like that at all, and I am not lying to her or myself when I tell her that I am doing good in that regard. I had been lying to her again since then whenever she asks me how I am doing with “that stuff”.

I don’t want to go back into that terrible cycle of lies, because she deserves better. I can’t lie to her anymore, and yet I lied to her about this again. This morning I told her that I messed up. She thought it was a bad April Fool’s Joke, but it wasn’t, and neither is this post. I haven’t heard from her since fessing up and telling her it wasn’t a joke, and I don’t know what to do.

I can’t stop crying and I just need your prayers to help me through this. I need more strength because I don’t know if I can do it alone. I feel like a worthless person who can’t do anything. I spent 56 days of not messing up, and ruined it all in an instant. Please pray for me. I really need God’s strength and mercy. I am so scared.
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Apple,
I will be praying for you and your addictions, but as some has said, it will take time for you to stop these addiction. The good news is that you are striving to stop them and improve yourself spiritually. Give yourself some time and two things that will help you so much is frequently confession, maybe weekly, and frequent Holy Communion. Who better to give you the strength to stop these sins than Jesus himself in the Eucharist? These are two great benefits to being a Catholic. Take advantage and use all of our Sacraments and use sacramentals. I found your post interesting for my niece who is now 21 years old came to me with the same problems, except the pornography. She puts herself down so much when she falls into sin again and again. Unlike her, or at least I did not pick on it from what you wrote, she thinks God has abandoned her and is not helping her with this problem. I am working on helping her. She gets so down and upset that she is making herself physically sick thinking of it and falling again. Please keep her in your prayers too for you understand what she is going through. Her name is Lyn. Thanks so much and you will be in my prayers. Just don’t give up and keep striving to lead a holy life.

Pray this prayer by St. Augustine for the Holy Spirit to help you and strengthen you:

Breathe in me O Holy Spirit,
that my thoughts may all be holy;

Act in me O Holy Spirit,
that my work, too, may be holy;

Draw my heart O Holy Spirit,
that I love but what is holy;

Strengthen me O Holy Spirit,
to defend all that is holy;

Guard me, then, O Holy Spirit,
that I always may be holy. Amen.
 
I’m praying for you honey. You’ve been given some pretty good advice here by so pretty wonderful prayer warriors! We will all be praying with you and for you. If you need us, just send us a private message and we are here for you.

God Bless,
Pam
 
Apple, I will be happy to pray for you. Pray for yourself as well. When your mind is centered in prayer, you are not as tempted to sin. God bless you. I suggest Fr. Corapi’s 911 prayers…they are very powerful. You can find his prayers here.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
 
hasikelee said:
Instead of worrying about lying to her and hurting her, why not ask her if she will be your helper?

Most people who are trying to change habits or kick addictions have someone who holds them accountable, can talk to them when they are tempted, and go over their progress.
Click to expand...
She has been my helper since she found out, which is all the more reason why I love her so much. She has asked me almost every time we have been together how I have been doing, and I was telling her the truth up until last week.

I don’t want to keep lying to her, because now she probably thinks I will never tell the truth. I don’t know how to get out of this, because I am trying very hard to stop masturbating, but it’s impossible if she thinks I am lying with every answer.

I just don’t know how many more chances I will get, and I am afraid I’ve already used them all up. You don’t even know how guilty I feel right now. The last time I felt like this was when she found out about my pornography addiction.

Why did I ever get involved with this stuff?
 
We are all human… we all fall sometimes…
we all fall a lot…We just have to keep in mind that
God will keep picking us up if we ask.
 
forgive yourself and keep trying

i remember when i heard “forgive yourself first” i was like “why?
i am the one who is wrong” but Jesus forgave the sinner and not the sin

try thinking about forgiving yourself first and see how that feels to you - it will all come from there

praying for you!

bloo
 
I will pray for you… I too had, well, still struggling at times, the same problem. What I found REALLY helps is:
  1. Going to the same confessor each and every time I go to Confession.
  2. When I get the urge, I tell myself, “God is watching me. Do I wan’t Him to see me doing this?”
    It has worked for me, not sure if it will for you, but it’s worth a try. If it’s really bad, maybe you and your girlfriend should consider counseling. Maybe she doesn’t see it as an addiction. I’m sure if she heard it from a professional, she would cut you a little slack when/if you do slip up. Keep being honest with her, that might do the trick as well. If you say to yourself “yeah, I can give in and masturbate, but is it worth the pain I’m going to put myself and her through when I have to tell her afterwards?”
    Just my :twocents: :console:
 
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