Cuddling??

  • Thread starter Thread starter sophia_d88
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
S

sophia_d88

Guest
Okay so this past saturday I was baptized, confirmed and received the Eucharist! Yay me! But now my boyfriend whom I’ve been dating almost a year is not understanding. He is happy for my conversion and accepts it and discusses next easter converting. But now that I am baptised he can’t understand why I no longer feel comfortable sleeping and cuddling in the bed. We have both agreed (and followed) to abstain until marriage. But he and I had a argurment about sleeping together in the same bed and cuddling. I simply don’t feel right! He says its not a sin, although true he can’t respect my feelings and it bothers me. He says I’m being “different” because I am baptized now and no matter what I tell him he still has a adversion to it. He agreed since we going to see friends next month since I’m standing as their children’s God parent (yup my friends are Catholic too) that we don’t have to cuddle or anything, he did so reluctantly. It bothers me considering he’s not respecting my choices and saying “I knew once you got baptized things would change with our relationship.” Or “Before you were baptized you didn’t say this”. He can’t see the reason I chose to be baptized, to live with God as pure and modest example especially for my two God kids. What can I do??? Im to the point of leaving him for a few months in hopes he can understand, sad considering our anniversary is next month 😦
 
Welcome home!

You are doing the right thing, and I think you know that. Stopping the physical acts with your boyfriend may not be easy, and he may break up with you, but you know you can’t carry on the way you used to do. And that makes all the difference.

👍

p.s. Get a copy of “Theology of the Body” or a study of it and read it together (not in each other’s arms of course!) He might start to understand a little better with some context.
 
Stick to your guns.

Dating is a chance to discern whether someone is a suitable spouse. It is not a chance to “play married” or warm your way into it, which is the sort of thing that sharing a bed and “cuddles” indicates. You seem to know this, so that’s good. As for your boyfriend, if he can’t accept it and leaves, then he would not have respected you as a wife.
 
I think his issue is that he doesn’t understand why you don’t want to cuddle. He may fear you’re getting “more extreme” and will become one of those people who refuse to even kiss (chastely) or hold hands or whatever. Or, he might be concerned that your new faith will drive a wedge between you, or that this is all an excuse because you secretly don’t WANT to cuddle with him anymore. He could very well be feeling a combination of the above.

Ease his fears by explaining everything with openness and honesty. Here’s a summary of a conversation that I had with a boyfriend once:

You’re right, (cuddling or whatever not actually sinful but possible occasion to sin thing) isn’t wrong. I love to (cuddle) with you. But you know how we agreed to abstain before marriage? Well, for a while now, I’ve noticed that some things, like (cuddling) make that more difficult, even though they aren’t wrong. I guess that (reason- I’m just so attracted to you it’s hard for me to contain myself, even though we aren’t doing anything, it appears that we are and I’m afraid of being a bad example to my godkids, whatever). I really, really hope you understand.

And, he should understand (be sensitive to the fact that he’ll have trouble understanding)
 
I’m a little disappointed with the previous answers, to be honest. While they made sense, I feel like they missed something big here. I’m going to try coming at this from a different angle. I’m not excusing your boyfriend for not accepting your requests or for anything else he might/might not have done.

But I would point out a few things,

-I hope you know that becoming a Catholic does not mean you cannot hug or hold your boyfriend, or have his arm wrapped around you for an embrace, etc. Certainly you are correct to not sleep together in the same bed, because that would be dangerous.

-As a guy, I’ll tell you that physical intimacy is often very important for us. Again I do not mean sex or anything like that, but physical intimacy can be a big thing - the hugging/kissing/embracing/etc.

-This could be one of the reasons he is so upset. Because if you have a relationship where you are being physically intimate (again, not sex–but holding, embracing, etc.) and then you remove that from the relationship altogether then the response from a guy is going to be… what is the response going to be?

Well, to be honest, it’s going to resemble the response you are having to him right now… a feeling of rejection (in your case, that he won’t accept your wishes… in his case, that you won’t express your love to him physically anymore).

It seems to me your responses have been self-centered (I don’t mean that in a disparaging way, just literally). You talk about your faith, your God kids, your modesty, etc, etc. None of these things are bad! But if Christ teaches us anything about relationships, it is that we are to be very concerned with the other. What I do not see in your post is anything about him.

So what should you do?

Here, it’s clear he doesn’t completely understand everything that’s going on. I don’t know all the details, but I would not write him off just yet!!!

Here is what I would do:
  1. Put a little more effort into explaining why this is important to you. I know you have tried, but keep trying! 🙂
  2. Explain to him that your withdrawal of affection is not about rejecting him and that you still care for him just as much as you did before. Your baptism did not change the way you feel about him. He needs to know this, because chances are that he believes the opposite–that your baptism pulled you away from him.
  3. Figure out ways that the two of you can remain intimate. Discuss this subject with him. Tell him you care for him, that you still like it when he hugs/embraces you, it’s just that it can’t be done in certain ways.
  4. I would also spend time working on this question yourself (i.e., not involving him): how can my new-found faith be a positive thing in our relationship? Are there any ways that it can draw us closer, rather than pull us apart?
40.png
waanju:
You’re right, (cuddling or whatever not actually sinful but possible occasion to sin thing) isn’t wrong. I love to (cuddle) with you. But you know how we agreed to abstain before marriage? Well, for a while now, I’ve noticed that some things, like (cuddling) make that more difficult, even though they aren’t wrong. I guess that (reason- I’m just so attracted to you it’s hard for me to contain myself, even though we aren’t doing anything, it appears that we are and I’m afraid of being a bad example to my godkids, whatever). I really, really hope you understand.

And, he should understand (be sensitive to the fact that he’ll have trouble understanding)
Click to expand...
I began my reply before seeing yours, just wanted to express my agreement for the most part.

As you put it, he will have a little trouble understanding so he will need help along the way.

I think the thing to emphasize though, again, is that it needs to be clearly expressed that her feelings have not changed for him, and I think she needs to find new methods for expressing her affections for him. Because chances are, this is one of (if not the) biggest ways in which he felt her love. So to just pull that away and not substitute anything, of course that’s going to upset him. It would be really creepy and weird if that didn’t upset him. It’d be like if you and your girlfriend spoke on the phone 5 times a week and then she decided that you can only speak 1 time a week. Even if there was a good reason for that, it still feels like a rejection and so there’s got to be more to this, in my opinion.

I’m a windbag. To summarize, this is going to be as difficult for him as it is for you. He needs to be told that you still care for him, but mostly, he needs to be shown. 🙂
 
VeritasLuxMea said:
I began my reply before seeing yours, just wanted to express my agreement for the most part.
] 🙂
Click to expand...
It’s okay! You had great stuff to add! Well put!

My post comes from personal experience, and I’d like to add that, as men are usually more physical, you want to take care not to stop doing things that aren’t actually sinful or the occasion for sin. That might change depending on the day (one day you can sit on the couch and lay your head on his shoulder/cuddle/kiss, one day that’s a temptation) but communicate and be sure to substitute lots of chaste affection so he doesn’t feel neglected or abandoned.
 
It sounds as if he’s trying to make you feel guilty for doing the right thing. If he can’t respect you in this, you may need to let him go and move on to someone who WILL. Everyone is supposed to change after baptism! We let go of our bad habits and our sinful ways and try to live the way God wants us to, so if he’s noticed that you’ve changed, you’re doing the right thing! If he has a problem with it, then the problem lies with him, not you. Find a time to sit down and really talk to him about the boundaries now and if he can’t accept that without making you feel guilty, he may not be the one for you. Keep everything in prayer and always strive to do what God wants you to do and I will pray for you, too! 🙂
 
I thought we were talking about cuddling *specifically *in bed. If the OP has decided that it’s a bad idea because it is a (very) near occasion of sin, I applaud that and encourage her.

I also agree that it doesn’t rule out any cuddles and intimacy, and the boyfriend may need to be reassured that he’s not being pushed aside. I also think that if he can’t respect her faith and decisions regarding her chastity, then he may well need to be pushed aside.
 
One thing I can tell you from experience is that to be the happiest you can be while on Earth is to follow the traditions of the Church. It is even more important for women for some reason. I pray you will read your catechism to help you make these decisions. Will be praying for you and your guy.
 
rebeccanew said:
One thing I can tell you from experience is that to be the happiest you can be while on Earth is to follow the traditions of the Church. It is even more important for women for some reason. I pray you will read your catechism to help you make these decisions. Will be praying for you and your guy.
Click to expand...
I am sure the early Christians who got ripped apart by dogs, crucified, burned to death were absolutely having the time of their lives.

It is precisely the type of nonsense you just uttered that is why people feel the Church lies to them. Laity tell them all these wonderful things will happen, but you know what? In many cases they don’t and aren’t what the Church says, indeed the health and wealth gospel is most certainly not what the Church teaches.
 
True, the health and wealth gospel is not our belief as Catholics, but I don’t think that’s what Rebecca meant. There’s a difference between saying that faith will bring you wealth and prosperity and saying that faith will bring you ultimate fulfillment and joy. One is focused on worldly prosperity, the other is about emotional and spiritual fulfillment. Living a faithful life can be very difficult in some moments, but it’s what we’re made for. There are tremendous joys in experiencing the beauty of God’s plan as well.
 
There is nothing wrong with being loving and affectionate which can include a cuddle and a (chaste) kiss - as long as it does not become sexual.

I’d say you are right to stop. Sharing a bed, is just too likely to cross the line.
 
waanju said:
It’s okay! You had great stuff to add! Well put!

My post comes from personal experience, and I’d like to add that, as men are usually more physical, you want to take care not to stop doing things that aren’t actually sinful or the occasion for sin. That might change depending on the day (one day you can sit on the couch and lay your head on his shoulder/cuddle/kiss, one day that’s a temptation) but communicate and be sure to substitute lots of chaste affection so he doesn’t feel neglected or abandoned.
Click to expand...
I would ask you to think more clearly about this. It is a lot easier to establish FIRM boundaries based on principles rather than have very fuzzy and unclear standards depending on how you feel on any given day. How is the male supposed to know whether that day is one on which he can expect more physical intimacy, and what if it’s not that day for him, and he gets very aroused by the head on his shoulder and close proximity of his girlfriend? The constant shifting of boundaries would confuse anyone, and if I were male (I am not) it would frustrate and anger me, and I’d walk away thinking, “She’s just toying with me, trying to keep me frustrated.”

I think it’s better to decide what doesn’t cause arousal and stop just a little bit before that, establishing firm boundaries and sticking to them. Quick pecks on the cheek, MAYBE the lips, holding hands, and maybe an arm around (in public) are usually chaste, but much beyond that, especially in privacy, and you are on thin ice. It seems that being alone together is a trigger for many couples and makes it harder to hold onto those chaste boundaries.
 
Welcome home, Sophia!

There have been several discussions on this site on weather bed-sharing is or is not a sin.
I don’t know if it is or not. What I do know is that my husband and I chose to not share a bed until we were married, and we have no regrets. We were still affectionate while we were dating, holding hands, closed-mouth kissing, embracing/cuddling while sitting on the couch watching a movie, etc. Even when there was only one bed, we did not share it. Several times he slept on a sofa when we traveled together. I even remember shopping for our marital bed together. One of us would lay on a mattress in the store to test it. Then the other would test it. I think it made our wedding night and our marriage a bit more romantic.

Best wishes for what you decide about your situation. I hope you come back and update us on this.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
I would ask you to think more clearly about this. It is a lot easier to establish FIRM boundaries based on principles rather than have very fuzzy and unclear standards depending on how you feel on any given day. How is the male supposed to know whether that day is one on which he can expect more physical intimacy, and what if it’s not that day for him, and he gets very aroused by the head on his shoulder and close proximity of his girlfriend? The constant shifting of boundaries would confuse anyone, and if I were male (I am not) it would frustrate and anger me, and I’d walk away thinking, “She’s just toying with me, trying to keep me frustrated.”

I think it’s better to decide what doesn’t cause arousal and stop just a little bit before that, establishing firm boundaries and sticking to them. Quick pecks on the cheek, MAYBE the lips, holding hands, and maybe an arm around (in public) are usually chaste, but much beyond that, especially in privacy, and you are on thin ice. It seems that being alone together is a trigger for many couples and makes it harder to hold onto those chaste boundaries.
Click to expand...
Everything you said is very, very true. My wording was REALLY unclear. What I was more getting at is that if something is okay 99% of the time, don’t be afraid to back off during that 1% of the time. (Maybe it’s just me, but NORMAL things like a hug or holding hands are very very rarely a problem, maybe one day a year)

The tip on being in public is good, as well as one my 10th grade religion teacher had: Only kiss standing up (like in on the front step, ect.) and don’t cuddle on anything soft.
 
Pray to the Holy Spirit and He will tell you what to say or do. I think it would be best to avoid any circumstances or occassions and actions that have the possiblity of leading someone into sin. For instance, both you and your boyfriend may kiss chastely, but your boyfriend also may be tempted to make it more ‘passionate’ next time. Longer duration of kisses may result and eventually he might develop an urge to commit more ‘intimate’ actions that go beyond kissing and cuddling. The more modest both you and your boyfriend are, the less urge to commit sin will result.

Personally, I think real love - is having the self-control to be modest in actions before marriage. You don’t want to be led by impulsive thoughts of pleasure. This could lead into sin which you will regret.

The reward will be greater on your Wedding Night!

Praying for you - Remember, ask God what His Will is… Then act according to what He says.
 
I want to thank everyone for their responses! I have discussed it with him but I can tell he is still upset about it. But I told him this is my faith journey and I knew when I started I would lose a few people. He says he will respect me but I shall see. Im so glad I found this forum, I like getting information from fellow Christians. Thank you all & God Bless
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top