Cultivating Strong Female Friendships

[pensmama87]

Some background: I am a married stay at home mother of two, a 2.5 year old and 4.5 month old, both boys. Shortly before my second was born, the woman I considered my best friend basically dumped me after eight years of what I thought had been really close friendship. The reasons why are still unclear, though I suspect it has something to do with becoming more religious after the birth of my first child (she denied this when I brought it up and said I had “ruined” her wedding at which I was the matron of honor…this of course being well into the second year of her marriage and her wedding going off without a hitch.) Although I’ve really grieved the loss of this relationship, I’ve realized over the past few months that she has actually done the same thing to many of her friends since I met her, and that my life is actually a lot easier without her apparently never-ending drama. It seems like I was no longer useful, so I was disposed of.

I’ve also realized that a lot of my female friendships have been like this over the years. I moved a lot growing up, and am shy, so I am not great at forming friendships. Many of my friends and acquaintances have been male (mostly my husband’s friends now), and it seems like they are easier to get along with, in many respects. I will say that I am seeing a therapist for social anxiety (and postpartum depression, which I’m going through for the second time) and it has helped tremendously. I can see why I have been an attractive “friend” for people like my former best friend - I love to “help” and crave approval, so I’m an easy target for people who are more interested in just using others. I’m benefitting enormously from her advice, and have gotten involved in a few women’s groups through church and my local community just so I can get to know other women in my stage of life and who have similar values to me. But how does a person jump from those casual acquaintances to more meaningful relationships? Everything I come across seems to suggest that friendships just kind of naturally form themselves and it should be “easy” - but that’s not been the case with me at all.

Any advice?

 

[MosMama]

You might check around and see if there is an ENDOW study near you. I have found that ENDOW is fantastic for cultivating and deepening friendships.

Female friendship is tough, especially when you’re a busy mama. I know how hard it can be to get out there and really stick with it long enough to mature those friendships. My best advice is, “just keep trying!” I know that sounds shallow, but there IS a group of friends out there for you, and they’ll come along. Pray to Our Lady - she is such a special friend to us and she wants the best for you!

 

[Jeanne_S]

You might check around and see if there is an ENDOW study near you. I have found that ENDOW is fantastic for cultivating and deepening friendships.

Female friendship is tough, especially when you’re a busy mama. I know how hard it can be to get out there and really stick with it long enough to mature those friendships. My best advice is, “just keep trying!” I know that sounds shallow, but there IS a group of friends out there for you, and they’ll come along. Pray to Our Lady - she is such a special friend to us and she wants the best for you!

This! I have been involved with ENDOW for over five years now,four years as a facilitator.
After four years,I have developed a close loving faith filled bond with these women.
We really consider ourselves a small faith group.We have studied pretty much all the various material ENDOW offers,personally friendships aside,my faith has grown and deepened in ways I could have never imagined.We learn together and from each other.
If there isn’t a study group near you,you always have the option of starting one,if you are so inclined.Good luck and Godbless!

 

[SybilMolly]

I just started high school this year and find that the best way to make a friend is to be one. Go up to someone and say, “Hi, I’m _____.” and smile at them and say hi whenever you see them.

 

[pensmama87]

An ENDOW study is actually starting up near me in the next few weeks. A sign?

SybilMolly:

I just started high school this year and find that the best way to make a friend is to be one. Go up to someone and say, “Hi, I’m _____.” and smile at them and say hi whenever you see them.

I used to struggle with this part for a long time. Do I say hi, do I not say hi, etc. Luckily now I’ve got this part down. It’s how to move it past that that I need help with now.

 

[Jeanne_S]

An ENDOW study is actually starting up near me in the next few weeks. A sign?

I used to struggle with this part for a long time. Do I say hi, do I not say hi, etc. Luckily now I’ve got this part down. It’s how to move it past that that I need help with now.

Which study is it? Do you know?

 

[mommamaree]

Some background: I am a married stay at home mother of two, a 2.5 year old and 4.5 month old, both boys. Shortly before my second was born, the woman I considered my best friend basically dumped me after eight years of what I thought had been really close friendship. The reasons why are still unclear, though I suspect it has something to do with becoming more religious after the birth of my first child (she denied this when I brought it up and said I had “ruined” her wedding at which I was the matron of honor…this of course being well into the second year of her marriage and her wedding going off without a hitch.) Although I’ve really grieved the loss of this relationship, I’ve realized over the past few months that she has actually done the same thing to many of her friends since I met her, and that my life is actually a lot easier without her apparently never-ending drama. It seems like I was no longer useful, so I was disposed of.

I’ve also realized that a lot of my female friendships have been like this over the years. I moved a lot growing up, and am shy, so I am not great at forming friendships. Many of my friends and acquaintances have been male (mostly my husband’s friends now), and it seems like they are easier to get along with, in many respects. I will say that I am seeing a therapist for social anxiety (and postpartum depression, which I’m going through for the second time) and it has helped tremendously. I can see why I have been an attractive “friend” for people like my former best friend - I love to “help” and crave approval, so I’m an easy target for people who are more interested in just using others. I’m benefitting enormously from her advice, and have gotten involved in a few women’s groups through church and my local community just so I can get to know other women in my stage of life and who have similar values to me. But how does a person jump from those casual acquaintances to more meaningful relationships? Everything I come across seems to suggest that friendships just kind of naturally form themselves and it should be “easy” - but that’s not been the case with me at all.

Any advice?

Hi, pensmama. No advice here. But I just wanted to say that I could have written this post. It felt like I was reading a story about me. I am having much more success after walking away from friendships where people just wanted to use me. There are some really great women out there, and the effort it takes to find them and form friendships with them is so worth it. It is weird as I witness the indignation and drama coming from my frenemy, as she sees me having fun without her. I am learning how to be myself, as well as how to be on the lookout for users and manipulators in the future. I hope for all the same for you. Everyone needs good friends. God bless.

 

[mommamaree]

I guess I do have some advice. Don’t be afraid to do all the inviting and hosting. A few months ago, when I was feeling especially low because of the treatment by my frenemy, I decided to get out there MORE. I got more active on Facebook. I started inviting people to do things, to come over for play dates with their kids, to meet me for a girls night out, to come over for a party. These social interactions resulted in even more social events being planned. Also, I am quick to volunteer to bring meals to anyone who needs help during a difficult time. I private message people on Facebook, or email or text them. I have found it is exhilarating to experience growing friendships without the drama or shadow hanging over me from the influence of that old frenemy. Now I am sad for her and happy for me. Try these types of things and I bet you will experience the same thing I have.

 

[Allegra]

I really relate to your post. I don’t have very many strong friendships with other women. Frankly, other women can be flippin obnoxious. I do have one really close female friend and she is considered by many to be remarkably unfeminine. (My mother thought she was a lesbian until she got engaged.)

My other female friends are really more like aquaintances who show up when they need something or when they’ve really exhausted all of their other social options. One thing I can recommend is getting involved at Church. I did a CRHP retreat and I met some other women with whom I can guarentee I would never have gone beyond “Peace be with you” if left to my own devices. While I don’t share much in common with most of these women socially (We probably won’t ever go roller skating together) they are a really good group for genuine, caring discussion about life’s joys and woes as well as a source of prayer and non-judgemental female interaction. It might be that because of our age differences and totally seperate social lives, we feel more comfortable opening up about these issues then around the “circle of friends” who all know each other and talk behind each other’s back. Anyway, that’s been my experience.

 

[pensmama87]

I guess I do have some advice. Don’t be afraid to do all the inviting and hosting. A few months ago, when I was feeling especially low because of the treatment by my frenemy, I decided to get out there MORE. I got more active on Facebook. I started inviting people to do things, to come over for play dates with their kids, to meet me for a girls night out, to come over for a party. These social interactions resulted in even more social events being planned. Also, I am quick to volunteer to bring meals to anyone who needs help during a difficult time. I private message people on Facebook, or email or text them. I have found it is exhilarating to experience growing friendships without the drama or shadow hanging over me from the influence of that old frenemy. Now I am sad for her and happy for me. Try these types of things and I bet you will experience the same thing I have.

Thanks! I really appreciate it.

You know, it’s funny, I was really tempted to go into “hiding” so to speak when all this went down, because I was so afraid of what our mutual friends might think. I have no idea what, if anything, she said to other people, but my other friendships are much the same that they always were, and I haven’t said anything because I don’t wish to gossip. Last weekend was the first time I’d seen her since before my son was born - we were at a party hosted by a mutual friend, and I had no problem going around from room to room, saying hi, catching up with folks. She ran from me every time I entered a room. I got a huge confidence boost after that. She knew that I felt like I depended on her for social interaction, even though I got her into that group of friends, into our sorority before that, introduced her to her husband, and so on and so forth. Maybe I’m not as socially inept as I think.

If I weren’t so embarrassed by the state of our house (it’s a real fixer-upper) I would invite people over. I always feel so awkward asking to hang out. In college it was easy because you just ran into people you knew all of the time. Making specific arrangements has always felt awkward to me. But I think I will go for it! Thanks for the confidence booster.

 

[pensmama87]

Which study is it? Do you know?

I don’t. There was an announcement about it in our parish bulletin this past week as well as a posting on the website for my local Catholic moms group, but all it said was ENDOW. I went to the website for more information and it sounds really interesting.

 

[pensmama87]

I really relate to your post. I don’t have very many strong friendships with other women. Frankly, other women can be flippin obnoxious. I do have one really close female friend and she is considered by many to be remarkably unfeminine. (My mother thought she was a lesbian until she got engaged.)

My other female friends are really more like aquaintances who show up when they need something or when they’ve really exhausted all of their other social options. One thing I can recommend is getting involved at Church. I did a CRHP retreat and I met some other women with whom I can guarentee I would never have gone beyond “Peace be with you” if left to my own devices. While I don’t share much in common with most of these women socially (We probably won’t ever go roller skating together) they are a really good group for genuine, caring discussion about life’s joys and woes as well as a source of prayer and non-judgemental female interaction. It might be that because of our age differences and totally seperate social lives, we feel more comfortable opening up about these issues then around the “circle of friends” who all know each other and talk behind each other’s back. Anyway, that’s been my experience.

Thanks! That is actually more of what I need. I don’t feel like I have other women who I can rely on to be genuine and caring about me. I have offered that to people before, like my former friend, and been burned, because it wasn’t reciprocated. I am introverted and enjoy having time to myself; I don’t wish to constantly be busy socially, but it would be nice to spend time with women who aren’t going to judge me because being a faithful Catholic suddenly makes me a wacko.

I remember sharing more at my Catholic moms book group than I ever did with the women I’ve considered friends for years. I was worried afterward that I overshared, but the other women shared just as much and we all expressed relief that we had someone to say this stuff to who “got it” (things as simple as, “we don’t use contraception.”)

 

[Phil_Marinus]

Making friends weather male or female can be tough for some ,and just so easy for others, I guess you just need to be , Out there,
I still am friends with only one other couple, known them for over 20 years, through my first and second marriage … Still the best friends ever, but wish we knew others but to no avail… Others just come and pass by… So does make one wish to have self reflection,
And ask what is wrong, I have no idea… Just be yourself…
Also… When the boys were little we had no friends at all… But once school starts you begin to meet other people… One thing
That helped, was adult school camps… They were for the adults and the kids tag along,
They were fantastic ,that how I met Steve and Elaine… Friends ever since…

 

[Aggies08]

If I weren’t so embarrassed by the state of our house (it’s a real fixer-upper) I would invite people over. I always feel so awkward asking to hang out.

Invite them to meet you at the park, or the library for story time ("We were thinking of going to blahblah, have you been? what did you think of it/well, if you want to try it too, we’ll be there! etc). Meet up to take the kids for ice cream (.50c at mc donalds, here, if you are broke!).